If this were a video game…
Propose to Shen Dan: [ MISSION FAILED ]
Would you like to reload a previous save? [ Y / N ]
Error! Error! Previous save corrupted—
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On the morning of December 12th, Mikhail awoke with a heavy heart.
His plan to propose to Shen Dan had failed miserably. He was afraid of being deleted from the environment if he failed to get a bingo by Christmas, but this fear was being canceled out by a smaller, but no less imposing auxiliary fear—the fear of looking like a total dummy in front of someone so cool, competent, and composed.
Shen Dan is quality ML-material, griped Mikhail. Does that make me just some mob character from a forgettable side plot?
While he quietly nursed his wounded ego, Mikhail began filling up a blender with whatever he could scrounge from the fridge: kale, apple, orange, lettuce, broccoli, coconut water, avocado, tomato, chives, and chicken broth to taste.
His Super Ultimate Health Nut Smoothie was in the works.
Catching his reflection in the blender, Mikhail then struck a smiling pose. “No way. I’m totally a catch. If I propose and he says no, it’s his loss, right?”
He turned on the blender.
Five minutes later, the sound of Shen Dan retching into a toilet was his answer.
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At 7:10 AM, Manager Wei arrived in the black van. Holland, who was tagging along for shadowing purposes, sat in the back seat this time.
Once the van’s door slid open, the first words out of Holland’s mouth were a chipper, “Shen-ge, you look hideous. Is your stomach upsetting you?”
Shen Dan, still green in the face from Mikhail’s crap smoothie, grunted and slid into the front passenger seat.
Holland then turned his attention to Mikhail, who was fumbling with his seatbelt. Like a snake, Holland slithered an arm around Mikhail’s waist, nuzzling his face in the crook of Mikhail’s neck. “Mikki, you smell really nice~”
Mikhail gave his armpit a sniff. “Really? I haven’t showered yet.”
“Ah, then it must be your pheromones! Do you know how pheromones work? Depending on certain secret chemicals, you might find yourself attracted to some people more than others. What do you think of mine?~”
Holland tugged the collar of his sweater down invitingly.
Mikhail shrugged, then leaned in for a well-meaning sniff. He was too preoccupied giving an honest review to notice that Manager Wei and Shen Dan were shooting death glares at Holland through the rearview mirror.
Both of them had the same thought at the same time:
Self-important bastard! How dare you fool the innocent! I know your true nature!
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With all that talk of pheromones, Holland was apparently immune to the smell of “beef” simmering in the air. Manager Wei could only pray that a fight wouldn’t break out as he drove the smiling instigator, the stiff and silent Shen Dan, and the oblivious Mikhail to the next filming site for It’s a Wunderbar Life.
In order to introduce Holland to the director and assistant director, Manager Wei practically had to surgically remove Holland from Mikhail’s side. Mikhail, who had begun to feel a bit suffocated, found a spot to watch from the back of the studio.
The scene being shot today appeared to be the end of the movie. Shen Dan was dressed in his trench coat and old-timey hat again. His shoulders were dusted in fake snow as he burst into the living room of a “house,” a set of really only three walls. Compared to his usual restrained behavior, his frenetic energy on set caused Mikhail’s skin to crawl.
“Isn’t it wonderful? I'm going to jail! Happy Valentine’s Day!”
Mikhail tormented a small pebble under his shoe, thinking to himself, You’re going to jail? Good for you! I’m going to be deleted! You tell me who got the short end of the stick!
His heart had just about turned to ashes when the System tossed a green notification box into his field of vision:
【CUSTOM REMINDER TO DELIVER (large black coffee, no room—hold on, does that mean drip or Americano, fuck, fuck, fuck) TO PAIRED—】
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard you.”
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On his walk back to the studio, Starbjörks coffee in hand, Mikhail decided to stop moping around.
After all, how could this be called “the end?” A proposal attempt could always be done a second, third, or even fourth time if needed. He pulled out the bingo sheet from his pocket and briefly scanned it. Other than “propose marriage,” he could at least perform a “random act of kindness” as a quick win to boost his spirits.
Bending down, Mikhail picked up a plastic cup off the sidewalk and dropped it into a trash can.
The System didn’t respond. The bingo sheet didn’t change.
After a moment of deliberation, Mikhail fished the plastic cup out of the trash can and dropped it into the recycling side.
The System didn’t respond. The bingo sheet didn’t change.
Isn’t caring for the environment an act of kindness? Maybe it needs to involve a living animal.
Mikhail retraced his steps back to the coffee shop. He came out with a cup of water, then poured out the contents over the base of a large oak tree.
The System didn’t respond. The bingo sheet didn’t change.
“Hello? System?”
There came the sound of a protracted beep, then:
【THE GUARDIAN ANGEL SYSTEM FREE 25-DAY TRIAL IS UNDERGOING SCHEDULED MAINTENANCE - PLEASE RETRY YOUR CALL WITHIN THE HOUR - THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING】
Of course…
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When Mikhail got back to the studio, the time was 13:00:27. Unsurprisingly, Shen Dan was hovering outside the back entrance, checking his watch. Due to the winter chill in the air, his chin was tucked into the scarf wrapped twice around his neck. When Mikhail handed over the cup of hot coffee, Shen Dan received it with both hands.
The tips of the man’s fingers were red from the cold.
Mikhail: “!!!”
Seeing this gave Mikhail a so-called lightbulb moment.
Every fiber of his being—every nerve-ending, cell, and hair on his body—began chanting with fervor:
Ran-dom act of kind-ness!
Ran-dom act of kind-ness!
Ran-dom act of kind-ness!
Ran-dom act of kind-ness!
Mikhail rubbed his palms together as if trying to spark a small fire between them. Then, before either of them could blink twice, he carefully overlapped the backs of Shen Dan’s hands with his own.
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Shen Dan: “…”
Mikhail: “…”
Cold. Cold. Cold. Ice-cold…
From this single point of contact with Shen Dan, all the heat in Mikhail’s body felt like it was being sucked away. His teeth began to chatter.
Is this guy’s skin made of dry ice?! Abort! Abort! I’m going to die!
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At that precise moment, the System came online again.
【SCHEDULED MAINTENANCE COMPLETE - ATTEMPTING TO CONFIRM TARGET GOAL (random act of kindness) - EVALUATING… EVALUATING…1%—2%】
Just like that, the progress bar got stuck!
Whenever his laptop froze, Mikhail’s solution was usually to click his mouse over and over again and press random keys. This habit could be traced back to his childhood days of playing Bokémon on his handheld Game Guy—whenever he tried to catch a new Bokémon with a Bokéball, he would mash the “A” button as if his life depended on it.
Hence, with the System lagging in the background, Mikhail’s solution was to overload it with further acts of kindness.
He tightened his grip on the back of Shen Dan’s hands, looked up into the man’s face, and said:
“Shen Dan, you, ahem, look good.”
“Your acting is very good today, too.”
“Ah, your shoelace, it looks… a little loose.”
“Let me, let me.”
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…
…
…
Tying a shoelace is surprisingly hard from this angle…
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Truth be told, Mikhail was actually just creating one giant, ugly knot in his hands. As the knot got bigger and uglier, Shen Dan continued staring down at Mikhail with a complicated expression. He cradled his cup of coffee, but didn’t take a sip. His Adam’s apple bobbed, but he didn’t say anything.
A minute passed.
Mikhail was just putting the finishing touches on the “bunny ears” of Shen Dan’s black Boxford shoes when a different, more expensive shoe got shoved in his face, practically entering his mouth. Holland’s bright voice pierced the air like a needle popping a balloon:
“Mikki, tie mine, too~”
This person… was getting rather annoying…
Smiling fakely, Mikhail replied, “Excuse me, Mr. Holland, but this is actually a paid service—I am Shen Dan’s PA, not yours.”
Holland’s lips curved in a smile. He lowered his foot and used the tip of his shoe to tilt Mikhail’s chin upwards. Then, he flashed Shen Dan a fawning look and said, “Shen-ge, why don’t we share him? Everything is more fun with three people, don’t you think?”
Shen Dan immediately averted his gaze. Although the coffee in his hands was piping hot, he began chugging it like ice water.
Mikhail: “…”
“Share me?” Am I an egg sandwich to you?!
However, the sassy reply Mikhail was gearing up to dish out didn’t end up getting used. The reason being, he was momentarily distracted by the System finally finishing its computing. In a robotic voice, it declared in his head:
【EVALUATING… 2%—100% - ATTEMPT FAILED - DIAGNOSTIC RESULT: BY DEFINITION, A “RANDOM” ACT OF KINDNESS CANNOT BE PREMEDITATED AND MUST HAPPEN SPONTANEOUSLY - TO REPEAT THIS MESSAGE, PRESS 2】
But that… that’s impossible to control!
Without a word of explanation, Mikhail stormed off, leaving Shen Dan and Holland in the dust. In an alley, he ripped the bingo sheet out of his pocket, his bloodshot eyes bulging.
This middle row! Is! A! Fucking! Dud!
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