The little vein on the side of Mikhail’s temple had begun to pulse. Mikhail looked down at the bingo sheet in his hands. For each of the twenty-four squares, a photoshopped still-image of himself posing with the actor popped into his head. 

Drink eggnog together with Shen Dan? 

Wear ugly sweaters together with Shen Dan?

Have a snowball fight together with Shen Dan?

Sit on Santa’s lap together with Shen Dan?

Mikhail: “…”

It would be more accurate to say that in order to win this game of bingo and return to the world alive, Mikhail would have to star in a Christmas Hallmerk film with the man. As the male lead, no less!

Or, wait, that’s not exactly right. A person with a cool, competent, and composed aura like Shen Dan is better suited to play the male lead. I’ll have to be the doe-eyed virginal MC which every viewer gleefully self-projects onto—  

Hold the fucking phone!

This bizarre train of thought screeched to a halt. Shooting off sparks everywhere, it flew off the rails and slammed into the small but well-populated town square of Mikhail’s dignity, hitting a line of propane tanks and causing a mushroom explosion to nearly blow off the top of his head. 

“System, you sneaky fucker! You think you can mess with my brains? I’m just as much ML material as he is! Haha! Hahahahahahaha!”

The System, feeling unjustly attacked, bit back tears. 

With that, Mikhail stormed out of the Starbjörks, his reddened face venting steam. 

₊˚｡⋆❆⋆｡˚₊

Conveniently, it turned out the System had a GPS that could track its Host’s paired human from any distance. Mikhail spent the next hour stalking—ahem, tracking Shen Dan’s every movement in downtown P— City. He worked hard to set up a “coincidental” meeting, positioning himself to bump into the man at every street corner. Due to Shen Dan’s celebrity status, however, there was constantly a crowd of fans hovering around him at any given moment, making any actual physical contact with Shen Dan virtually impossible. 

By the time the sun was setting, Mikhail remained unsuccessful. He could only peer out from behind a large black van, watching Shen Dan signing a few autographs. 

The man had ditched the trench coat and was wearing a dark turtleneck and chinos. Thanks to his thick-rimmed glasses and lips being curved in a sweet smile, he looked shy and approachable. His eyes shimmered like two stars, making one’s heart instantly flutter. 

“Of course my life is important. Don’t you know who I am?”

These coolly-said words bounced around in Mikhail’s head as he seethed, Self-important bastard! How dare you fool the innocent! I know your true nature! 

As for that third-rate actor scum’s innocent fans, the wool had been completely pulled over their eyes.  

“Eeeeee, Dandan, please accept these home-baked cookies!”

“Wuwuwuwu, Dandan, I grew these flowers specially for you…”

“Kyaaaaa, Dandan, will you please sing for us?”

The fourth or fifth time this request came up, Mikhail had the routine committed to memory. Cornered by those sign-holding, plushie-wielding groupies, Shen Dan would first smile bashfully. Then, after receiving some more girlish coaxing, his shoulders would relax. Clearing his throat, he would part his lips and, in a heart-melting, infuriatingly-in-tune voice, begin, “Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday♪~”

From behind the black van, Mikhail rolled his eyes. Are you a weekly calendar? What kind of AI-generated lyrics are these…

“Thursday, Friday, Saturday, tell me, baby, do you remember♪~”

As Shen Dan continued to sing, Mikhail’s ears pricked up at the sound of a soft tap-tap-tapping. He looked left. He looked right. Finally, his eyes fell to the floor where his own foot was tapping to the beat. 

Goddamn it! It’s too catchy! 

₊˚｡⋆❆⋆｡˚₊

The grim situation was bound to get worse. Beneath his hands, Mikhail felt the black van rev. He heard a voice from the driver’s seat call, “Shen Dan! Let’s head out. You have another early morning shoot tomorrow, you must get some rest!”

Shen Dan smiled. “Of course, Manager Wei. I’ll be there in a moment.”

Hearing this, Mikhail began to panic. He’s heading back! He’s heading back! I’m going to lose my chance to drink hot cocoa with him! Shit! If this keeps up, I’m really going to be ‘deleted from the environment!’

The van’s radio started blaring a chipper pop song. The crowd of fans bid the actor goodbye with teary eyes. Just as Shen Dan opened the car door, Mikhail had a flash of insight and sprang into action.

He opened the trunk of the black van and climbed inside. 

₊˚｡⋆❆⋆｡˚₊

Of course, as the van bumpily peeled away into the road and a conversation between Manager Wei and Shen Dan started up, he immediately regretted it…

Useless fucking System! Why didn’t you stop me! Mikhail wailed in his heart. 

The System replied: 【SEARCHING UNIVERSAL STORE - “MAKE GOOD DECISIONS ADVICE PLUGIN” COSTS: 20KP - BZZT! - INSUFFICIENT FUNDS】 

Mikhail: 囧

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“Aiyo! Shen Dan, you know, yesterday, our talent agency went through another organizational restructuring. What a pain. Maybe you heard already, there is a junior actor I’ll be taking care of who wants to come watch you act. His name is—”

“Do not mention him,” came the cold reply. 

Manager Wei sweatdropped. “Emm… you two already know each other?” 

Eavesdropping from the van’s trunk, Mikhail could feel the temperature in the van plummeting. In less than a minute, the van had practically turned into a fridge on wheels. 

“Dislike.”

“Don’t tell me, Shen Dan. Do you two have b-b-b-beef?”

What a 360-degree personality change, Mikhail, who had flunked geometry in high school, thought to himself. 

On the awkward drive home, Manager Wei continued to chat one-sidedly about the filming schedule for It’s a Wunderbar Life while Shen Dan stared silently out the window. It turned out, Mikhail wasn’t the only person in P— City with atrocious driving skills. 

As the van blazed around a corner, Mikhail slammed into the side of the trunk. 

As the van jolted to an abrupt halt, Mikhail slammed into the back of the trunk. 

As the van blew through a speed bump, Mikhail slammed into the bottom of the trunk. 

He was rolled, jostled, and battered senseless for about fifteen minutes. 

₊˚｡⋆❆⋆｡˚₊

Finally, around the time Mikhail’s eyes were beginning to swell, the van slowed. There came the sound of tires pulling up to a curb as Manager Wei said, “Here we are, Shen Dan. Let me, let me.” Mikhail heard the car door open—did that third-rate actor scum really wait for the poor guy to open the door for him?!—and then Manager Wei continued, “I’ll come by tomorrow to pick you up at 7am.”

Oh, thank god, Mikhail thought. If the van is parked somewhere else, then I can just climb out in the middle of the night and—

Shen Dan said, “Manager Wei, I left a bag in the trunk. Let me fetch it quickly.”

Mikhail: “…”

₊˚｡⋆❆⋆｡˚₊

Mikhail looked to his left, then his right, seeing nothing. Then, he checked under his butt. There was a small paper bag from a chocolatier which had been crushed to death. 

At that moment, the trunk opened.

Shen Dan’s figure, his pristine face in particular, was framed by the pink sunset. Compared to the pitch-black trunk of the van, it was like looking directly into the sun. Shen Dan’s lips parted in surprise, his glasses slipping half an inch down his nose, making him look adorably bookish. His eyes still twinkled like stars. Blinded by the sight, Mikhail blinked away tears. 

The embarrassment twisting up his heart seemed ready to burst out like a fully-gestated baby alien.

System! Do something! My 6KP, spend it on anything! Please, save me! 

【SEARCHING… SEARCHING…】

Shen Dan opened his mouth to speak.

【PLUGIN (Low-paying Entry-level Contract Job_Personal_Assistant 3.0.12) ACQUIRED FOR 6KP - DOWNLOAD COMPLETE - TO INSERT INTO REALITY, PRESS 5】

Mikhail’s hand flew towards the keyboard faster than a .22mm bullet. 

A buzzing sensation caused Mikhail’s teeth to rattle. He only caught the tail end of the words Shen Dan was saying:

“—must be the personal assistant Manager Wei hired. Don’t hang out in the trunk next time, it’s dangerous. Tomorrow, I’ll have a person move that junk out of the backseat for you.”

Mikhail felt like he had swallowed a mouthful of sand. He wrung his hands. “Y-y-yes. Personal assistant. That’s me.” 

“Come out.”

Shen Dan extended an open hand.

After a moment of hesitation, Mikhail reached out and took it. 

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The feeling was warm.

A thumb carefully stroked the scar on his wrist, causing his scalp to tingle.

₊˚｡⋆❆⋆｡˚₊

Unfortunately, in the midst of being helped to his feet, Mikhail felt the accumulation of head trauma from tumbling around in the trunk suddenly take effect. He stumbled forward, a headache brewing, and nearly fell directly into Shen Dan’s arms—

Only for Shen Dan to sidestep, causing Mikhail to crumple onto the pavement. 

Casting a glance down at Mikhail’s sprawled body, Shen Dan gently coughed. “As my personal assistant, it’s a bit inappropriate for you to swoon immediately after seeing me. I hope you can keep it together for the duration of our relationship.”

Having said so, he picked up the chocolatier bag out of the trunk and strode off. 

Mikhail: “…”

Swooning? Who the fuck is swooning? A concussion is medically serious!!