Finally a change in expression on Jack’s face, when he desperately raised his eyebrows “Are you out of your mind?” he muttered. Their faces were still very close despite the now obvious struggle in the other’s eyes.

“Maybe I am, but still my offer stays, what do you say? Should we fuck?” he asked once more. After all, wasn’t that what Jack had asked of him? Or a couple of days made him change his mind? He had touched him, and not in a chaste way, so now why did he look that surprised?

“This is ridiculous, Alan get off of me,” he said trying to push him away, but his hands only landed on Alan’s firm pectorals. This time he wasn’t going to give up, maybe if he pushed it to the limit they would have talked for real. He wasn’t ready to walk away, he wasn’t ready to lose him.

Right, he wasn’t. He had never thought about that before, but somehow now he knew, he hated not being able to see him. “I miss you,” he whispered, finally letting go of the other’s jacket, freeing him but only partially, as he didn’t move one single step away, trapping him between his body and the table. He was looking down, his cheeks getting slightly red as he realized what he had just said. After being so fierce and asking the other to sleep with him, he was there, opening his heart a tiny bit, hoping the other wasn’t going to crash it into pieces. He felt it again that fear creeping through his spine. The only thing that brought him back to reality was his friend’s voice.

“Al…Alan please don’t say stupid things,” Jack replied, but he was way calmer than he had been before.

“Why? Don’t you miss me too? Was I the only one thinking we were friends… really?” he looked up, defeated and the other could only stare back at him. He breathed deeply and shook his head while he shrugged. Jack looked surprised and confused, he never saw his eyes like that.

“I don’t know really… “ he bit his lower lip and sighed. Gosh, how was even possible for him to look that cute?

 It did really look lost, their friendship, it was…gone.

He leaned forward and kissed his lips, just a peck “You seemed to really want this that night,” he whispered before kissing him again “Let me at least give it to you before I go,” he said, reaching out subconsciously to caress the other’s side. He kept leaving butterfly kisses on his soft lips. Jack’s lips tasted like chocolate, he probably have had his favorite coffee before getting off of work. One shot of espresso, caramel, hot chocolate and whipped cream, all of it iced ad with cocoa powder on top. He basically liked to drink something that tasted like tiramisù and Alan always made fun of him, because it was a kid’s drink in his eyes. Only that now that he was tasting it on his lips, he realized it was definitely not for kids. He wanted to taste him more so he started to softly suck those plump lips, supressing a very embarrassing moan. 

Jack never got away from his kisses, nor he responded.

At first at least, because when he cupped his face and their kisses got deeper the other definitely responded to them. Well, one thing was sure, Jack was a good kisser, a very good one. And it was almost impossible not to end up falling on his bed as they moved in each other’s arms taking off pieces of clothing that didn’t need them to break their kiss.

Their kisses tasted like something he wasn’t able to grasp. It was something desperate almost. Alan was feeling definitely different than usual, even with those slim hands tracing paths on his back, even the little moans escaping his special partner’s lips when he moved to kiss his neck.

And it was exactly one of those cute little moans that made him suddenly stop, he felt breathless, his heart was beating like crazy, and he wasn’t able to focus on anything at all. So he laid there, half naked on Jack’s chest, breathing heavily as he tried to get back to normal. From his privileged spot, he could clearly hear the other’s heartbeat, not one bit different from his crazy one. Jack was breathing heavily too, almost gasping “damn it!” he heard him whisper.

Alan looked up, when did he ever had such a good look at a flushed Jack? The answer was simple, never before, and he looked so pretty. He reached up and caressed his face “I’ve missed you so much,” he said, and he was sincere, he couldn’t believe his words himself, but he hated to come back to an empty apartment, no smell of delicious food, no one to sit next to him while watching silly tv series, no one to tell stories to.

Why was that the only thing he recalled about their friendship were all the thing he gained? He could only think of how Jack made him feel, made him food, gave him support, kept him company. Him, him, him…it was always just him. But how did he make Jack feel? When did he ever give anything instead of taking?

Fuck what a shitty friend he had been. Jack was right, he sucked.

“You did?” Jack asked before looking away “I doubt it,” he then added. His voice was trembling a little and he looked like he wanted to push him away, again.

“Jack please, why don’t we talk about this? Like for real,” he said. The other’s eyes looked like two dark pools and he felt like drowning willingly in them. There was something at the of them, something he didn’t understand, was he willing to dive into those eyes and retrieve whatever that feeling was?

“Do you…” he was about to ask something that he had tried to push away, out of his mind the whole time.

“Don’t!” the other said covering his mouth with his hand “Just don’t ask that,” he then added, pouting. He looked like he was about to cry and Alan only was able to hug him, caressing his head. Ok, he wasn’t going to ask about that. It was fine with him because he wasn’t ready to hear the answer either way.

“I don’t want to lose you as a friend tho,” Alan confessed “I know you say we weren’t friends but… to me you were, you are. I just want to know how to keep this between us, seeing you, talking to you. Did you really hate me that much?” he asked, he was still laying on top of the other, hugging him while hiding his face in the crook of the other’s neck. He didn’t want to see his face when he confessed he actually hate him all the time.

The brunette sighed and kept quiet. Was that a yes? This time Alan really moved away to look at him with wide-opened eyes, and when he was about to ask further his friend replied “Of course not…” he pouted, and right then he discover he had been holding his breath, because when his friend spoke he finally breathed again.

“So did I do something to hurt you? Why stopping it all like that? Not a reason, not a text…nothing,” he had sat up on the other’s body while he asked that, because he wanted to really look at him, but all he saw was a very fragile looking man who tried to cover his face in embarrassment. He had never seen Jack so vulnerable, and yet instead of feeling scared, Alan found himself wanting to protect him, to hold him and comfort him. He thought he was the one hurt by the situation, but seeing Jack like that made his heart ache.

“You know why…” Jack replied, he was hiding under his hands. His long fingers looked so elegant and pretty, he was now noticing so many things he had never seen on the other. Jack spoke again, his voice shaky “Plus after what happened I couldn’t even face you” he added, still covering his face. Right, what happened that night, him being inappropriate… it was normal for him to feel embarrassed.

“Were you serious that night? I mean if I had said yes…” Alan was genuinely curious. That question had popped up in his mind many times the past week or so.

“Yes. I was!” still not a sign of his eyes as those almost shivering hands were covering his face. He pouted.

“You could have convinced me…you know,” he barely whispered and this time it was Alan that had to look away, because as he spoke Jack immediately looked at him “just …just few more minutes and I was definitely going to give in. But then what?” He looked back at hi friend’s face, finally meeting his eyes. They stared at each other for long seconds before he was able to speak again. None of them had an answer apparently.

“In my personal understanding of the world, Jack, I divide relationships into three categories. The first is just good friends, the second is just good fucks, and then there is a third one which is good sex and intimate relationship. Let’s say everyone knows about these, right?” he had talked slowly, just because he wanted the other to understand exactly what he meant.

“Yeah, I guess…”

“Ok fine, where exactly do you think you are, among these three categories?” he asked, he did, it was time to be sincere and fair, it was time to put their cards on the table.

“Friends, I guess?” Jack replied frowning and then shrugging “I get it, you don’t have sex with friends. You told me already,” he then added, but he did look sad. Alan felt a weird tickle at the base of his abdomen, he kept repeating that word, friends, he kept calling Jack his friend, but the moment the other said it his stomach sunk down to his groin.

“If you don’t want to be friends with me… we can have sex. Do you prefer that?” Alan asked. he obviously wasn’t thinking straight, because no one would have spat such nonsense in such a situation. To be honest, he was kinda aroused, and he would have definitely gone back to their previous activity, especially because he was sitting on the other and it didn’t seem like he was the only one still aroused.

Jack looked at him for probably a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity, was he really thinking about it? He didn’t have an answer to that.

“Would you have sex with me more than once if I said yes?” were the first words he spoke, and something tickled Alan’s stomach. But he couldn’t fail to notice the part of himself that felt incredibly sad when he realized the other would have rather stopped having a relationship with him in favour to have his body a couple of times. Again, another man who wanted his body more than his company. See? That was the reason why he couldn’t let his guard down and find love. Even with someone that looked like a genuinely good guy, everything circled back to sex.

“Sorry if I ask, but am I that attractive? I mean I’m good in bed, but is it worth this?” was it worth losing him and his friendship? He was somehow incredulous, a guy he had lived with for years, a guy that made him feel so cozy and relaxed, someone he lo… “Jack, do you love me?” he asked abruptly. He heard a buzz in his ears, where did that question come from? It was like someone else possessed him and made him speak words he had hidden for such a long time. 

Jack gaped, looking like a fish out of water, in his eyes pure terror, as if he would have rather disappeared in thin air than replied to such a direct question. “Wha… I…” were the only sounds he was able to produce.

“What, I, just say something that makes sense, are you a man or a freaking kid?” again with words that didn’t sound like his own. Who was he? Alan was on the verge of going crazy, he didn’t want to ask such a thing, he didn’t know what to do with a reply to such a question, and yet there he was, demanding it, dying to know if the reply was what he thought.

“What would it change? Alan really, get off of me and go home, let’s end this whole thing before embarrassing each other any further!” the usually very weak arms of the other became strong as he pushed him away and sat on the bed, giving him his back. His back which usually looked so weak yet warm was now looking like it was made of stone. He hated it, he hated seeing his back.

“Why aren’t you facing me? Jack… please, don’t send me away I just want to talk more, to understand” he said, he was feeling powerless and he just wanted to touch the other but he didn’t dare. Touching him meant admitting he was just that, his body, and nothing else.

“How can I Al? After what I did to you? I was so out of line with my behaviour. I really wanted you that night. I was so annoyed by how you brought home the nth man, and then when I saw how he just left like every other one… I,” he stopped and breathed heavily, while Alan was almost unable to breathe. “I almost thought I had a chance too…” Jack chuckled but he sounded hurt and embarrassed. 

Alan was completely silent, stubbornly silent, he was still waiting for the answer to his question, and it was driving him completely insane. He had started playing nervously with his hands. He went back to that night, he remembered entering the apartment with his hookup and looking quickly at Jack on the sofa, he remembered how their eyes met briefly right when the stranger had kissed him. Fuck.

~