For those of you who love the idea of bursting in on a wedding ceremony before the to-be-sadly-married couple seal their vows, let me give you ample warning. As someone with first-hand experience, I will have you know that Murphy’s law always applies. The key word here being “always”.

I will list all the things that went wrong on my very own adventure to stop a wedding and let you decide whether it’s worth the trouble.

1. My car broke down when I put the key into the ignition. 

I had no time to fix it. I took the next best vehicle - my bicycle.

2. I got stuck in traffic.

Even bikes are useless when it comes to animal traffic. A cackle of geese decided to waddle across the very bridge that I had to cross to get to the wedding venue.

3. Return of the animals.

I backtracked to another bridge when I got fed up with the procession of geese. Only to find a family of warthogs crossing that bridge. (Yes, the wedding venue is in the countryside.)

4. The road was muddy.

Who decided it would be quaint and cosy to have the wedding in the countryside?? More like muddy and bumpy! So yes, my clothes got splattered with mud. So much for the good impression I was supposed to make on the wedding crowd.

5. I got lost.

Then, some vandal decided it would be fun to exchange two different road signs and lead me down the opposite road. Luckily I still had a good sense of direction (and a functioning phone with GPS).

6. I fell into a newly dug grave.

The route I took led me to the back of the church, rather than the front. So instead of running down a straight path, I had to dodge the haphazard arrangement of gravesticks. Needless to say, I didn’t see the hole in front of me.

7. The wedding card I received was smudged.

Then I was at the church door. I flung it open. I bellowed “Stop!”. And there was no one there to hear me. Why? Because I was way too early for the wedding. See, I thought it was at noon. Turns out it was at 2pm because I mistook a smudge on the wedding invitation for a 1.

8. A bar fight broke out.

With too much time on my hand and a wailing stomach to feed, I weaved my way to a bar for lunch. To my surprise, the food was good. My stomach had no complaints. It was the people I had problems with. Or rather the people had problems with each other. Needless to say, I got caught in the midst of flung glass bottles and flying fists. So my clothes were caked with mud and blood.

9. The church door is heavy as hell.

Running late to the wedding, I slammed my hands on the doors, expecting it to burst open. It barely budged. I had to lean on it with my whole body to open that blasted thing. And so with a loud creak - not a bam - I was inside the church. Ready to wreak havoc.

10. The aisle is a long, slippery walk down to my demise.

This time when I bellowed “Stop!”, I had an actual audience. But my beloved is a bit hard of hearing. So if I wanted to deliver my speech, there was no way I was going to shout it out to her, especially given how far away she was. I strode confidently down the glazed tiled floor which had been wiped down just before the ceremony, leaving it shiny and… slippery. For the second time in the day, I found myself on my bum. Only this time I had a live audience.

11. I lost my brain.

After I composed myself amidst peals of laughter, I brazenly ignored my rival and launched into a speech filled with “umm”, “err”, and “so”. It was gruelling. People fidgeted, complained, and boo-ed. My rival glared daggers at me. My beloved grew antsy and nervous with every passing second, torn between wanting me to stop and wanting me to get to the point.

12. I lost my money.

When I finally bored my beloved to tears, she took off her new wedding ring - yes, by that time, my rival had already claimed her ring finger - and gave it back to her soon-to-be-separated partner. At this point, I’m sure a lot of you are saying that’s the perfect ending to a fairytale story but hear me out till the end. 

When my beloved performed such a daring and romantic act, half the audience got up in arms - obviously, the half belonging to my rival. Everyone was yelling, pointing fingers, and spitting. My rival refused to take back the ring but when it was obvious that my beloved was adamant about cancelling the wedding, the fight was over.

That would have been the end of it all if it were not for half the audience screaming for compensation of their time and money (my rival paid for the wedding and honeymoon expenses). It was only after much “discussion” that we settled on peaceful terms. Or rather, a blank cheque that I passed to my rival.

And now, you’re going to ask, is there a 13th thing that went wrong?

Yes. I lost my heart. To my beloved. Cheesy, I know, but so true. That’s probably the only good thing that came out of it. Take my word though - never stop a wedding. Stop your beloved’s relationship before the wedding!