Every night was agony, torn between the desperate need to say whatever it took to convince him I was perfect for him and the knowledge that we would both be miserable if we weren’t completely honest with ourselves.

I had an important test today in the only day class I had, and when I was done I wanted to go spend the rest of the day with Gideon in the love hotel – I had purposefully not taken my medicine yesterday so I could get hard for him after I hadn’t been able to do that in a few days.

Little Lawrence figured out that I wasn’t taking my medicine and without knowing my specific reasoning for it – to get hard for Gideon so he could enjoy that – and so Little Lawrence decided he didn’t need to take his either, something he told my Dad when Dad was watching him for the weekend and Little Lawrence refused to take his medicine.

My Dad had left Little Lawrence with my mom, dropped everything, and immediately had taken the train down to see me. After a semi tense talk with him, I promised to not skip a dosage.

And I never broke my promise before.

Never, especially not to my Dad.

But even though I was still getting Gideon off, I knew he wanted more and after seeing him really leaning into exploring his options, I wanted to remind him what I could offer...so I was skipping today’s dosage.

I got Gideon a comm to use and though he still hadn’t quite figured out how to use it, I had walked him through how to make calls very slowly and now he was able to call me and pick up when I called him. When I got out of class I gave him a quick call and said I really wanted to take him to the love hotel to play around, try out a new sensory feature, and he said he was up for it and that I could pick him up at the boutique near his hotel.

When I pulled up in the van, I saw Gideon outside on the sidewalk, chatting with a man that was very clearly and opening leering at him and my stomach dropped.

He was pretty much everything I was terrified that Gideon wanted in a partner. He was handsome and had an aggressive sort of energy about him, the other sapien dressed in provocative clothing – an emerald green leather jacket with what looked like fish scale design on the shoulders that was popular here in Liliport, tight leather pants that left absolutely nothing to the imagination and a thin white T-shirt with a v neck so deep it went down to the middle of his rib cage.

He had an easy smile and said something about fabric that made Gideon grin and big, wide smile. Gideon touched one of several piercings on the other man’s ear. The other man told him he did all his piercings himself. Gideon told him he looked stupid, and I couldn’t tell if he was doing so playfully or not, but it didn’t matter because they were both laughing.

Gideon seemed to me like he was doing the forced smile thing he would do, but I couldn’t be sure.

Lately, I wasn’t really sure of anything.

And today I just felt...terribly tired and guilty. Guilty about breaking a promise to my Dad, but also guilty I pushed Gideon to do this to see if I was the best out there for him.

Because I knew I wasn’t.

I quickly pulled on my face covering, double checked to make sure I was fully covered, and then I got out of the van, standing there for a minute in the dull Fall sunlight as I listened to Gideon’s very loud laughter before I came around the front. Gideon touched the other sapien’s arm, squeezing his bicep before they agreed how nice it was meeting each other, the other sapien going to where a motorcycle was parked a little bit further down the street.

Gideon grinned as he turned and met my gaze, coming over with a little hop in his step. “Liliport guys are friendly as FUCK,” Gideon said around his cigarette, taking a short puff before he said “I can not tell you how many of them tried to grab my ass today.”

I tilted my head a little as we met. “They can be very forward here, yes.”

“But your not forward?” He asked curiously around his cigarette, the paper bright yellow and the smoke smelling sweet like candy. “Aren’t you Liliport stalk?”

“I was raised in a small town, actually.” I led him back to my van as he nodded.

“That’s right – you said that in your video.” He said dully.

The knot that had been sitting in my stomach for the past couple night grew heavier. “Yes…”

“Yeah-” He said with a big stretch, “This guy at this store I went to totally complimented me on my ass. Said it looked real tight.” He said as I opened his door for him.

“Well-” I struggled, my lips twitching as I dropped my gaze briefly to watch his as as he climbed up into my van, “It is a very nice ass.”

He laughed a little, his gaze twinkling. “Thanks!”

He pulled the door closed and I quickly went around the front to join him in the vehicle, the two of us sitting there for a brief moment as he finished his cigarette, half hanging out the window, pulled all the way down, since Roy didn’t like Gideon smoking in the van.

“So what room do you want to try at the love hotel? You liked the rain forest room last time-”

“You know what – I don’t want to have sex.” He said then, and I felt tears well up in my eyes behind my mask, because sex was the one thing I currently had over everyone else, and now he just...he didn’t want it. He didn’t want it because it wasn’t good enough for him to want, I suppose. “Let’s do something else. Liiiiike – let’s go back to that place we went on our first date. That restaurant. You liked that place, right?”

I cleared my throat to try and sound normal. “I did, yes. But you didn’t like it there, so we can go-”

“No, no – I want to give it another try.” He crossed his arms over his chest as he leaned his head back against his chair to smile big at me. “Let’s just spend the day in the courting district.”

I nodded. “That would be nice.” I felt my tears soak into the fabric over my face, and when Gideon asked why I was still wearing my face covering even though we were in the van, I quietly told him that it was because the windows were rolled down. He seemed genuinely caught off guard by that, the color draining from his face.

“Holy shit, I completely-” He said quickly, flicking his cigarette out the window. “Fuck,” He hissed, “Laurie, I can’t believe I did that – I’m so sorry!” He said, frantically waving his hands around to try and get any lingering smoke out of the car.

I laughed a little, rolling down my own window to let the breeze in. “Why are you apologizing?” I asked gently.

“Because – fuck,” He exhaled hard, “I don’t want you being uncomfortable!” He said with an anxious laugh. “I want you to be able to take your fucking covering off so you can breath!” He looked around frantically, “What do I push to roll up the windows?!”

“Gideon, it’s okay,” I said, reaching over to take his hand as he stabbed a finger on the center console to try and figure out how to bring up the windows, instead rolling the ones in the back down as well. He cursed and stomped a foot, giving me a stressed look as I brought his hand to my lap to hold it that as I drove, my gaze on there road. “I’m not uncomfortable at all – coverings are made with breathable fabric, and to be honest, sometimes I feel much better in my coverings because the fabric is cooling and I can overheat, so it’s okay!”

“You sound upset.” He said quietly.

I stilled. He made a noise then and I pressed on. “I’m...not upset about my coverings – I just had a long day at school. Some times it can be overwhelming.”

He stared at me in silence, his gaze burning into the side of my head. “Are you sure it’s not about me...keeping the windows rolled down?”

“Absolutely not.” I stressed. “It’s not. I promise.” I squeezed his hand a little. “If I needed to take it off, I would have told you.”

He huffed at that, but didn’t say anything else, instead quietly looking out at the city as he held my hand. I wouldn’t say the silence was comfortable, not with Gideon so deep in his thoughts and my own head completely and deeply consumed by what he might be thinking, but the ride was short so it was a bearable silence.

The courting district, or the matchmakers district, wasn’t as busy during the day time, so we were able to walk around and take our time looking at the shops as we waited for an opening at the restaurant where he had out first date. It was a very popular restaurant so the best way to get a room was by appointment, but as it was day time, we only needed to wait about an hour before there was an opening.

Gideon kept my gloved hand firmly in his naked one as we walked, his other hand tucked into the pocket of his jeans as he asked questions about the different things we saw.

When we came up to a men’s clothing store, I could tell Gideon was very interested in the jacket on display by the way his face lit up.

Gideon was one of those sapiens that liked to have lots of nice, fashionable things, and I wanted to give him everything he wanted. He was always so grateful and excited, and the rush of pleasing him always carried me through whatever lows I might have that night when I was away from him.

It was an expensive jacket though, as some of the things in this district were so novus could prove to their sapiens what they were capable of affording, but I knew that Gideon was very excited about seeing it so I wanted to buy him it.

Even if I wasn’t around in his future, I knew he’d want to keep a jacket like that, and I so badly wanted him to have a piece of me with him, no matter where he ended up.

But to my utter devastation, he refused when I told him I would get it for him. When I tried to insist, he stopped me.

“No, no – I told you yesterday that I had a budget for myself now and I can stick to it!” He said with a waggle of his finger, grabbing my arm to drag me away from the store window, “Walk with me this way!” He insisted, fully dragging me toward the fountain. “There’s a guy there taking pictures for people, and they’re ready right away – let’s take a couple!”

It was early night now, and though lied I told him just a few minutes ago it was still to early to take off my covering, someone took off theirs right in front of the fountain and so the time for me to hide behind my covering was over.

I steeled myself before I unzipped my covering, pulling it down to let it rest loosely around my neck like a scarf. I sat on the fountain wall and watched as Gideon ran over to the photographer and pulled out his wallet, taking out a few notes to hand to the man.

Even though I bought Gideon whatever he needed when we were together, each week I gave Gideon some spending cash to get anything he would need while I was at school or dropping by my apartment to check on Roy and his family. Yesterday he told me while I was giving him this weeks cash that he had set a budget for himself, and he wasn’t going to ‘blow through my money’ anymore. He had said it in a joking way, but I assured him that I had plenty of money to take care of him since I had a stable and decent paying job, but he was insistent...and seemed stressed about it.

It was honestly what made me skip my medicine for today.

It felt like he was pulling away, somehow, and the fact that he didn’t even want to have sex just made it far more apparent that my worries weren’t completely unreasonable.

After Gideon paid for the photographer, he hurried back to me, smiling brightly. “It’s a really good deal, I think!” He laughed as I stood, Gideon taking hold of the front of my jacket to pull me forward for a kiss, soft and sweet. When I tried to deepen it, he snapped back, grinning at me and stroking a thumb over my bottom lip. “You look sad, Laurie,” He whispered, his breath fanning across my face. “Are you okay?”

I hesitated before I nodded, admitting “I want to make you feel good, Gideon.” I said very quietly, taking the hand he held on my face into my own to hold it in the sliver of space between our hearts. “After we eat, can I?”

The photographer asked if we were ready and Gideon licked his lips before he grinned at the other man, nodding.

Gideon was smiling big at the man, but I stared at Gideon for a long moment.

His silence was...deafening.

I smiled a little before I looked to the photographer, dropping his hand to reach around his back and hold lightly onto his shoulder, Gideon tilting his head a little towards mine as I smiled for the camera, my entire body tightening.

The man took a few pictures, which developed right away and were printed out of a small machine he had on a little table next to him.

Gideon took one of the pictures and tucked it into his jeans, and I took the other two.

The discussion of sex didn’t come up again while we ate.

I didn’t want to push him when he made it clear that he didn’t want it.

He didn’t want me.

And it was my fault.