Pushing forward with the courtship at the rate we were going meant we would likely be completely bonded in...a month, maybe less. That was how intense we were. Something that would normally take a civilized novus six months was being forced forward in just under two months, which at near uncivilized speeds. And I could do that – I could push it, and become mated with him, because it really wouldn’t take much at all to guide him into keeping it up because he was so eager and hungry for affection.

Or I could put a pause on it and see if I could ask Gideon the harder questions to make sure that he knew what this meant for me, what continuing to mess around would mean. This wouldn’t be a temporary relationship. If we bonded, he would be all that I would ever have, and I really wouldn’t be okay with him having anyone else but me. Some novus would be fine sharing their sapien with another sapien, but that just wasn’t me and it never would be. I wouldn’t be okay with Gideon looking for someone more exciting on the side, even though I was anxious that was what would be best for him.

Logically I knew I needed to pause things. I needed to make sure Gideon understood fully what this meant.

I knew that.

But the emotional and primal side of me...wanted to push through, and push faster, and sink my teeth into Gideon in ways that would render him unable to get away.

I had been getting hard lately with him. Gideon liked it when I could and begged me to try, and I tried to put off my medication so I could for him, and for the last couple days, we had actually been having penetrative sex (sometimes I’d top, mostly he did). I always got him going and excited, but I knew that hew as so much more excited and when he was going, he was going so much more intensely when I was hard as well, so I wanted that for him and figured it was worth being late on taking my medication for him.

And I was getting so close to cumming now, and I knew once I could orgasm, we were at that point where I had to either cut it off completely with Gideon to recover, or let it be and mate with him.

And I very intensely felt guilt over that -

Over possibly taking advantage of Gideon for my own benefit.

He was an adult man, yes, but he was clearly going through a very ugly, scary time in his life. His entire world ended less than two months ago. His family, his support system, was completely gone and I was all he had. His life was over outside of the one I was building for him.

I was showing him the nicer side of our world, but I wasn’t entirely sure the reality of it all had sunk in. He was so hyper focused on sex, and the glitter of technology, and fun and games, and all the choices he suddenly had – and he was so easily overwhelmed. I knew him well enough now to see the signs of it, the light leaving his eyes, the hollowness in his laugh or the shifting in his posture when he felt lost and small. I stopped whatever we were doing and distracted him with a kiss or a touch, usually we’d hold each other, no matter where we were, until he bounced back, but it still happened.

And it was be so easy for me to take advantage of him, because under all that energy and sharp grins he was so vulnerable, and I truly from the bottom of my heart didn’t want him to regret this. I wanted to give him everything I had and was, but I never wanted him to feel obligated to stay with me if that wasn’t what he wanted.

But I didn’t know if that was due to my mind being self destructive, or if it was a logical feeling, so I called Willow over to discuss things.

Because Gideon insisted on napping at my place and didn’t like it when we were apart for longer than a few hours now, I met with Willow at Roy’s house so I could show him the fish tank Mabel and Roy had started up for there kids, Willow having suggested it himself.

Of course when he came, I choose to talk about the weather instead of my predicament. My family – save for Roy – were like that. Whenever there was a tough topic that needed to be talked about, we’d spend a few hours talking about anything but until we all accepted it was time to address the elephant in the room.

Roy, however, was like a bull and would just charge face first into it to get it over with.

Willow and I talked in length about the coming storm, how they were predicting it would be a hurricane, one that would likely fall on or around the day of the female world championship match. Victoria didn’t have a horse in the race this time around – it was between a female from a southern country and one from Africa this year, but still everyone was talking about it because we tended to place in most high ranking championships, no matter what they were.

Mabel herself was second in tracking in the Americas, and her eldest sister place third in archery.

I didn’t follow sports much unless it was one I knew someone personally was in, neither did Willow, but Roy heard us mention the coming fight from across the apartment and he came over with Joy in his arms and Little Lawrence trailing behind with her baby blanket to sit down with us as the dinning room table.

“So what do we think about Gideon?” Willow finally asked after we talked for a few minutes about the upcoming match.

I was caught off guard, though I knew I shouldn’t be. Suddenly I didn’t know what to say, or what to ask. “Uh, well - he’s-”

“Don’t sugar coat it. He’s fucking nuts.” Roy scowled, Joy turning to go to sleep against his shoulder. “All he wants to do is fuck and sleep. He’ll grope Laurie in front of everyone if he get the chance to, including family, and then he has the fucking nerve to to pout when Laurie redirects his hands. He’s needy and clingy and fucking deranged.”

Willow frowned. “How is he deranged-”

‘Have you met him?” Roy asked sharply. Willow gave a little shake of his head. “If you actually had to meet him, you’d know. The lights are on with that guy, but there is nothing there.” He said, waving a hand in front of his face, Little Lawrence squeaking Joy’s toy for her when she made an upset noise.

Willow frowned and looked to me, but I shook my head a little in disagreement with Roy’s statement. “I’d like to continue seeing him. I think this has very good potential.” I said in a flat tone, giving Roy a look. Roy sighed hard and stood with a ‘just don’t seat me next to him at the table’, storming off with Little Lawrence right behind him when his son said Joy smelt like she needed to be changed. I looked back to Willow. “I think he’s still depressed about being taken away from his family. It sounds like he was very close to his father.”

Willow nodded slowly. “How are your moods?”

I hummed with a little nod, “Well, they’re still there, but I’m very much enjoying my time with Gideon and I’m very, very happy that I was matched with him. He’s wild, but there’s a sweetness to him.” I cleared my throat. “And I don’t mind how affectionate he is. It’s...refreshing.” I blinked. “As long as it’s not making anyone uncomfortable.”

“I’M UNCOMFORTABLE.” I heard Roy shout from deeper in the house, “I’M VERY UNCOMFORTABLE!”

Mabel came out of the master bedroom then with a concerned look, going toward the sound of Roy’s voice. “What are you wearing, babe? That new pair of underwear? I told you they wouldn’t fit you right.”

I snorted and Willow ducked his head, snickering as Roy screamed that is was Gideon that made him uncomfortable.

When Roy stormed back in and flopped down into the chair next to me, Willow frowned at him. “Is there any specific complain you have about Gideon, Roy?” Willow asked carefully.

“Yeah, sure! Tons. But I’m mainly fucking stressed out that this guy just wants to fuck around, and once the novelty of it wears off, he might want to fuck other guys, you know?” Roy gave me a stressed look “You remember what happened to that girl you were lab partners with in the first year of your primary program?” My heart sunk and I nodded a little. Roy looked to Willow. “Mated. Two months later her mate wants to be able to fuck other people because he’s got tastes he insists she can’t fulfill.” Roy whipped his head back to look at me. “Talk to him about how concerned you are about not being his type.”

I laughed dryly, unable to say anything as I looked around, trying to find some other subject to tackle.

Like -

Like f-fishing.

“Tell him about the fact that you are purposefully missing your medication so you can get hard.” Roy said loudly.

Willow tensed with a shocked looked. “Laurie?” He demanded. “You didn’t.” He squirmed, sitting up straighter as I tightened my lips.

I felt anxious then, Mabel wandering into the room with a concerned look while Roy put his free hand on his hip, Joy resting on his other. “Gideon keeps begging and pleading for his dick to get hard, so Laurie has been skipping dosages so he can do that for him – the guy is insatiable!” Roy barked, Joy’s face scrunching up.

“You can’t miss your medication, Laurie,” Willow said in a gentle but firm tone as I held my face in my hands, rubbing my cheeks. “You two aren’t mated and you can still spiral.”

“I know.” I said quietly. “I just – I want him to be happy.” I croaked.

“If all he wants is your dick, then that’s not a good foundation to build on!” Roy said as he handed Joy off to Mabel when she tried to tug on his sleeve to pull him away from the table with a ‘how about we let him breath, Roy’. “You needs to reel it back a little – I know that you’re getting real sick now, and we’re fucking close to the edge here, but Laurie, I don’t want you to be trapped with a guy that will down the line decide he needs a little bit more excitement, you know? I know you, and I know that would kill you.”

I frowned, “No, I- I understand what you are saying, and that is a concern for me as well, but...I think…” I hesitated, staying quite for a minute before I forced out “I think he loves me. We have a good time outside of sex.”

“But are you sure?” Roy said with a sigh, chewing on his bottom lip as Willow looked between us.

I hesitated before I decided to stay silent.

Roy rolled his shoulders, squirming with an uncomfortable look. “Just be certain, Laurie, because it’s a special kind of hell, being mated to a sapien that decides you aren’t enough. Remember that movie? A Special Kind of Hell?” I looked away, my gaze jumping back to Roy when he put a hand on my shoulder. “And you ARE enough, Laurie. You are enough and more, and you would be such a good mate, I just...don’t know if Gideon is sharp enough to see that. I’m just...I’m scared.” He stressed, Mabel reached up to pat his chest as he huffed hard. “I’m so scared that he’s just being horny and once you guys are settled, he’ll get bored because the dude just -” He looked to Willow, “The dude loves to stir the shit. He likes the chaos.”

Willow nodded a little with a tight look. “I read his file. He’s a wild child, that’s for sure.” He frowned, his gaze cutting from Roy to me to give me a sly look. “But as a matchmaker who has closely worked with you and knows how difficult you are to match, I think you should just push forward. You don’t have a lot of time, Laurie. This...could be it for you.”

I nodded a little, my gaze dropping to my hands. “And if he decides that I’m not who he wants?”

“Then you deal with it then.” Willow said quickly, softly. I lifted my gaze to look at him, Roy crossing his arms over his chest. “You do what you need to for survival.” He lifted his chin a little. “Sometimes that means going on a little trip to Trinity for a couple years until your mate settles in and….just feels more comfortable in the relationship.” He said very carefully.

Trinity, where sapiens had no rights, were property of their mate or family, and rarely went outside their family district.

Trinity, where clans would send couples that had a sapien with a wandering eye so they could ‘reconnect’, or rather, learn their place and be broken until they are settled in their marriage.

Trinity, who our clan called Children of Cain because they were considered to be the civilized uncivilized...but we were also willing to exploit to force our mates into behaving, since doing such things here, in what we all called The Most Civilized Clan, was just not done and so we had to travel to the shadows of Trinity to do it.

Trinity, where I would never, ever take my mate.

Roy grunted, looking uncomfortable but didn’t voice any disagreement. He knew just as well as I did what Willow was saying. After a minute, he nodded at Willow, then at me. “I agree with Willy.” He said, Willow giving a short nod. “Do what you need to do.”

And I knew exactly what I had to do.

I nodded then, smiling between them. “Okay then.”