There was a joke about novus being like a sapien’s shadow, always having to touch them in some way, staying close enough to meet their steps one for one, but in regards to Gideon and myself, it was Gideon that always needing to be touching me and be close.

Not that I minded, but I found it interesting how little personal space he wanted. He was always pressed against me, usually from behind, and when he wasn’t pressed against me with his entire body he had both his hands on me, either holding onto one of my arms or gripping the back of my jacket or shirt.

And then there was the sexual aspect of his touches, the sucking on my neck, licking and nibbling at my ear, reaching under my cloth to feel my skin or even reaching down to squeeze or grope my ass or cock through my pants– he didn’t care where we were or what we were doing. We could be in the middle of the grocery store talking about the difference between a premade cake and a box of freshly made ones from the bakery section and he’d shove his hands down the back of my pants and grope at my ass, telling me to go on.

There was a few times I had to redirect his hands to hold them in my own, like when were we in line at a store and drew the attention of a pair of children that were trying to muscle their way ahead of us in line. They ask what Gideon was doing with both his hands on my ass and before I had a chance to tell them that he was being silly, Gideon blew a long, loud and purposeful raspberry at them and all I could do was laugh and insist that they go ahead of us in line.

Gideon was...immature, and clingy, and loud, and entirely inappropriate, and wild, but I found that I very, very much enjoyed being with him.

And I suppose our compatibility had something to do with that, yes, but I also found him strangely refreshing.

He brought out a very different side of me, and I liked it.

It almost felt dangerous, how deeply protective I felt over him, how badly I wanted to spoil him and let him be goofy and childish. It could easily overwhelm people around him, and at first I tried to curb it a little, but I much prefer him being loud and hyper than the alternative.

I caught him having a moment of stillness once when he thought I wasn’t watching – when I was dressed in full protective gear, obscuring any recognizable features with a head covering. I had to go out around noon to drop something off at school, and afterward I went to the grocery store to see if they had the fruit Gideon had been asking about, and I saw him in the tea aisle.

He looked….very lost, and so small.

And frightened.

He visibly recoiled when someone asked if he needed something and ran off, rushing past me with a panicked look. I tried to pursue him, but he visibly deteriorated when he saw I – a masked novus - was following him down the street, and so I pulled back enough so that he didn’t know I was trailing him. He went back to his hotel, and I called him from the lobby, but he didn’t respond for a full hour.

When he did, he said he had been napping in a strained, high pitched tone with that forced laugh he’d use sometimes, and I didn’t say I knew otherwise.

I went home, changed, and then went and spent the rest of the day with him in his hotel. We had spent a lot of time around the city, spending a couple days at the love hotel in the courting district, but on days like that, it was nice to have his hotel to just relax and cuddle in. We had spent a few days at my apartment, but Roy and his children all had my codes to get into my apartment and bedroom and had on multiple occasions just let themselves in – which I normally didn’t mind – but Roy had an aggressive personality, and Gideon had an abrasive personality, and so…

Well.

I didn’t want to Gideon to be overwhelmed or distressed, especially not after he look so frightened in the grocery store.

I never wanted to see him so upset again.

I much rather have him too loud, to excited, and to badly behaved then to upset - it broke my heart, seeing him like that, and I’d do whatever I could to prevent that. Sometimes he could get overwhelmed and retreat to bed, sleeping for a while or playing on the games I put on my comm for him.

Those days we took it easy, usually by staying in his hotel and fooling around, distracting Gideon with interesting things to watch or things to play. When I knew Roy was busy, I’d watch Little Lawrence and he would come over and play video games with Gideon. The last time we did that, Roy came over and watched them play, choosing to sit out instead of playing with them because he could get highly competitive, which Gideon was as well.

After the initial tense meeting where nothing seemed to go right, Roy and Gideon were slowly warming up to each other, I think (I hoped). They didn’t exactly get along, but they seemed to tolerate each other – both had such huge personalities, but they seemed to trying to learn how to play nice for my sake, even if Roy would pull faces when I talked to Mabel about something I did with Gideon.

That was Roy’s way of expressing anxiety – being a bit of a brat. Or shouting. He was convinced that Gideon was just using me for ‘a vacation and sex’ and that I needed to stop bonding with him in case he went and disappeared, something he was stressing more and more often now...pretty much every time I saw him, really.

But part of being in civilized society was accepting that some courtships could go really well, and then the sapien could drop you and move on to someone else. That was just the risk you took. I tried to focus on the positive and hopeful side of things, but Roy got anxiety really bad the worse my symptoms became, and now that Little Lawrence was starting to scratch, Roy had to start anxiety medication or else he’d be vomiting from panic attacks. He had developed a bit of an obsessive tendency of checking the matchmaking app to see if Little Lawrence had gotten a match, since our sisters had matched and gone on cute little kid dates with their parents (and Roy…) tagging along when they were Little Lawrence’s age…

But no one had matched with Little Lawrence.

I knew this because Roy checked every day, almost every hour, and whenever I’d call or see him he’d mention it. Never in front of Little Lawrence, but…

Well.

Mabel had to block the app on his phone, and now her Dad was in charge of it.

So Roy was hyper fixated on my and my relationship with Gideon instead.

But I was sure that once Gideon and I made it official – and I really did think we were on that path – then he would calm down. Roy was an amazing brother, and father, and part of enjoying all the good things about having him around was bearing the bad. He’d learn to love Gideon though, I was sure of that, even if it took take some time.

Roy was just stubborn, and I think Gideon was the same way. Once they connected over something though, they’d get along very well. They were both sapien males, I’m sure there was something they could connect with.

Most of the past two weeks I had been courting Gideon, we were either at Gideon’s hotel room or at my apartment. Gideon kept trying to leave things at my apartment and insisting he didn’t mind people coming and going, but I continued to bring them back to his hotel as I didn’t want him to feel obligated to stay in contact with me if he decided he was done with this courtship.

And there was always that chance.

Roy tried to remind me of that everyday, and my Dad did so as well, though he was a lot more tactful than my brother was. Dad, having been my advocate, took classes and was trained to be the one to prepare me in the event that a courtship failed in any stage, but I was prepared.

With all the sexual contact and cuddling Gideon and I had been having and how much time we had been spent in each other’s company, I felt like we were approaching the point of no return, when I would start to bond with Gideon in a way that would make it difficult and not long after impossible for me to bond with anyone else.

And I was okay with that – with mating with Gideon, with him being the one I stayed with for the rest of my life.

It would be interesting, to say the least. He was all consuming and filled every corner and crack of my life with his energy, but I don’t think that would be any different if he had a calmer personality. My thoughts were always drifting back to him, I was changing plans so they suited his tastes better.

And I wasn’t at all unhappy with the changes.

In fact, I was very excited for them, because I felt hopeful – hopeful for my future, but also hopeful and happy to get to share it with Gideon. I wanted to make him happy, and see him excited about things. Luckily that wasn’t to hard to pull off – he liked things simple, and fun. No fancy restaurants or complicated dates. His favorite place to go (outside of the love hotel) was the zoo or anything that had to do with animals, and he liked to fast food and go with me for runs to explore the city.

And he was having a good time.

I knew he was having a good time, because he was pretty obvious when he was faking it, even strangers could see that.

But the logical side of me worried if Gideon was in the right head space to be making such a big decision. He wasn’t long out of the colony and he was completely lost in the excitement of being able to have something he thought he would never have – relations with a man. We talked a lot, and Gideon had told me a lot about his constant struggle with his sexuality. He always knew he was attracted to men, but knew that if anyone found out he’d be kicked out and never see his father again.

And he loved his father. He described his father as being as difficult as himself, and depressive, and withdrawn, but he was his favorite person and he knew that his father didn’t have anyone else than him.

And still, knowing that, he fucked up and got kicked out.

He cried about that. Sometimes he’d say he was missing his dad and cry, and on those days we spent in bed cuddling.

There was a lot of broken pieces of Gideon that were held together by will and a taste for chaos, but I knew he dealt with a lot of his pains by just ignoring them, which I completely got because I did the same from time to time when it came to things that were out of my control.

But I was worried that once the dust settled, he would want something more exciting then me. I think I was pretty good at sex, I always got him off and he always seemed to enjoy himself and be eager for more, but I couldn’t help but worry that...while I adored him, I wasn’t good enough for him and he would be better with someone else.

Someone a little bit more exciting, I guess. Someone willing to be a bit more wild for him.

More adventurous.

When we had sex I tried to match his energy, but I was afraid of hurting him and I knew I was being more gentle then he liked because he was always begging for it harder and faster, rougher, meaner.

When we borrowed my brother’s bike, he was always telling me to go faster, egging me on even though I stayed just below the speed limit.

He had always been really touchy and clingy, but after he saw a couple having sex in the restaurant bathroom at the zoo, he had been desperately trying to get me to get him off in new places while I insisted on only doing it in my apartment or in one of the hotel rooms we stayed at.

And I don’t think he was disappointed, but…

I felt guilty.

He was the right one for me, but I don’t know if I was the right one for him.

So I was conflicted.