Jem’s POV

I forced myself to hide the smile that threatened to cover my face with a scowl. My shirt was soaked with lake water, my hair plastered to my face as Andrew tried and failed to hide his laughter while Patrick allowed a proud smile to cover his face. He was just as wet as I was at this point; his plan of getting me wet already backfiring seeing as he soaked himself trying to cup the water used to splash me.

It was one of those so rare days that Andrew and Patrick had off and demanded I not work either. I hated not working but the two of them were too convincing when they wanted to be. It had been a nice day out and my whole reason for being out here was to let the dogs out real quick but when the two of them followed me out and began walking to the lake I didn’t have the heart to let them go alone.

As to how I got wet because of this I’m still not sure. All I know is one second Patrick is flinging himself into the water, I call him a child, and then water is dripping down my face.

“I’m not a child,” he scoffed, still looking far too proud at his actions. “Children wouldn’t have done that.”

“You’re right,” I sighed as I peel my soaking wet shirt over my head and throw it on the bank before letting my phones join it. “A child wouldn’t have been that stupid.”

The proud look fades almost instantly when I follow him into the warm water. 

“Jem don’t,” he says, trying to sound firm but the laughter in his voice betrays him so I don’t stop as he tries to run away into deep water. “It was a joke. Just a joke. Don’t do something you’ll regret!”

“Oh I won’t regret a damn thing,” I tell him as I catch his wrist and pull him back. My lips press against his neck as I wrap my arms around his waist. For a few seconds I allow myself to just hold him, to imagine myself being able to do this every day, to be carefree with the two of them like nothing else mattered. I don’t let myself imagine it for long.

Patrick fights every move I make as I pick him up above my head before launching him into even deeper water than where we were standing. He comes back up to the surface laughing, having to swim back up to me trying to get even more payback but when he’s unable to pick me up the same way he gives up just as Andrew begins to laugh at him for the lack of strength he possess.

He knows he’s made the wrong move when Patrick begins marching in his direction. To his credit, Andrew manages to keep a straight face as Patrick comes closer and closer until he’s forced to begin running away from the cop.

Patrick lets him win for a while, letting him dodge outstretched hands, keeping him just out of arms reach on purpose, until Andrew gets a bit too cocky and teases a bit too much.

Patrick puts an end to it then and in a matter of second Andrew is over his shoulder, his own phone being thrown out on the grass somewhere, before they are both on their way to me where the water barely comes up to my waist. 

Andrew gets the same treatment I had given Patrick but there is no laughter to his voice when he breaches the surface.

“Both of you are dicks,” he scoffs as he begins to march back to the bank. He doesn’t get far before my arm wraps around his waist and pulls him close to my chest.

“Oh come on Andrew, it was fun,” I teased, as I held him impossibly close. “You swim like a rat dog, it’s cute.” He squawks at the compliment, trying to break out of my grip but Patrick stands in front of him, forcing him to calm down unless he wants to hit him. 

My arms refuse to move from his middle as Patrick cups his face and closes the distance between their lips. Andrew moans in surprise but kisses back regardless. I don’t bother watching as I press my face into his back.

I loved days like this as much as I wished I didn’t. I didn’t have to be ‘Jem’ around them; hell, they didn’t even want me to. I could just be some guy they liked and I could entertain the idea of liking them more than just random hook ups. 

Days like these were a blessing. 

Eventually the water turned cold and the dogs begged to be let back in the house so we joined them. The three of us showered together, letting it be an unspoken rule that sex was not the intention. The careful strokes and gentle scratches were enough for once, the feeling of closeness being exactly what the three of us wanted anyway.

Dinner passed as normal and after we watched TV. Soon it was nearly one in the morning and both of them excused themselves to bed- my bed but I didn’t join them yet, I wasn’t tired.

I stayed up for a while, the anxiety refusing to let me sleep. The realization that they were being more than just hookups hit me like a truck and now only the worst things imaginable crossed my mind.

They’d leave when they realize I can’t be fixed. They’ll get themselves killed because of me. Patrick will lose his job. Andrew will lose his clients’ trust. I’ll corrupt them.

 Worse than that, I’d break them. I wouldn’t mean to do it, it would just happen. I’d push, they’d push just as hard, before I can stop myself something will slip and they’d break.

The thought made my heart clench. I couldn’t do that to them, I needed to be more careful.

“You’re a sick man Jem. That’s a good thing. It’ll make you a good man in this business but that’s all you’ll be good for. You’re a monster Jem. No one loves monsters. Keep love out of head and you’ll go far; much farther than I ever did, and you’ll take the gang with you. You’ll be so much better than me and they need that. So you remember these words Jem. No one loves monster. No one loves you.”

Days like these were a blessing. A light shining through the darkness in my head.

But these nights. These nights would be the death of me one day. They were hell that only made the everlasting war in head worse.

I was at the warehouse before either of them woke up the next morning and the hurt look on their faces when they realized I had done it on purpose managed to calm the storm in my head just enough to get me through the next night though my heart hated everything I was putting them through.

When I woke up my whole body was tingling as a smile covered my face. I’d never been that cold in my life but that didn’t matter because liquid pain killer was being pushed into my body at a steady rate. 

“Oh shit,” I sighed as I leaned further into my pillow. “They gave me the good shit. It must have been worse than I thought.”

“Yea well they said you didn’t have a lot of your own blood left in your body when we got you here and had to stitch up your stomach so yea, they gave you the ‘good stuff’.” I hummed as I tried to place the familiar voice. It sounded a lot like Patrick when he was unhappy with me but it couldn’t be him.

Patrick left months ago. He wasn’t coming back and I knew that so this couldn’t be Patrick. 

“Well that’s deeply unfortunate,” I said, letting my body fully relax.  After the first few times I woke up in a hospital bed for minor injuries I let it slip to one of the nurses that waking up in a hospital put me on edge. Ever since then if I woke up from minor injuries in my hospital wing I woke up without a care in the world. She claimed it was a mix of two medication and I said I didn’t care as long as it kept happening.

You wouldn’t believe it but waking up in a hospital quickly became the most relaxed I’d been in months.  

“Where’s Dev,” I asked with a frown, still not bothering to open my eyes. There wasn’t a need to, the darkness behind my eyelids felt too nice.

“He called a meeting after they declared you stable. He’s not back yet.” That one sounded like Andrew and I swear my breath caught in my chest for a split second before I realized it couldn’t be him here either. They left together. They left me behind. I was the odd one out and it was my own fault but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

“Why would he do that?”

“Jem how much do you remember,” imaginary Andrew asked, imaginary concern slipping through his voice.

“He’s not going to remember much until these meds work their way through his system,” a new voice says as she closes the door behind her. I know this voice all too well. Tracy was a saint of a med student who needed somewhere to do her residence at but because of her college reputation of having too much fun everywhere turned her down and she ended up here. “How are you feeling honey?”

“Like I could stay hooked up to this thing forever,” I said as a new smile slipped onto my face. 

“Oh honey you know I can’t let you do that,” she sighed as she came closer, no doubt to turn the IV off. “It’s time to go back to work. Dev’s going to need you to fill him in on how this happened. Im sure he’s got people to murder because of it.”

“We’re not telling Dev anything. He needs to calm down as it is.”

“I think he already knows.” Dev. My Dev. My smile widens and I wish even more that these drugs could stay with me forever.

“Hey babe, we were just talking about you,” I said as I opened my arms to invite him closer. 

“Oh I heard you, little brat. You might consider whispering if you’re going to insist on keeping your eyes closed, you never know who is listening.” I could hear him coming closer until he was sitting on the bed beside me. “Come on babe, open your eyes and come back to me. It’s time to go to work.” His voice is so gentle and it makes him sound young. We’re almost kids again; almost dating again; almost perfect again. I couldn’t leave.

“I don’t want to.”

“I know you don’t but I need you Jem. Can’t do it without you.”

“James,” I say the name barely above a whisper and I’m sure no one else in the crowded room can hear. “Say it.” He sucks in a deep breath like he knows exactly where my head is. His hand finds mine before squeezing it tightly. 

“James,” he says, matching my volume. “James it’s time to come back to me. I know the drugs already working their way out of you. James you know I love you but its time to be Jem again.”

My eyes finally open as the peace that once filled my body began to leave. Dev is sitting so close to me with that shy, sad smile that he saves just for me. 

“Oh god,” Barrett complains loudly as he steps through the doorway, his eyes barely landing on us before the complaint is out of his mouth. “Guys that’s gross. People are present here. You can’t just get all googoo eyes at each other every time Jem gets hurt. It’s disturbing. God. People have been waiting for you, you know. I sent you in here to get him not sext him up!”

“I wasn’t sexting him up,” Dev groans as he gets off the bed, letting my hand drop to the bed in the process.

“Looked like it,” Andrew said with a small glare that Dev met head on like it was a challenge of some sort. 

“Why are you two still here,” I asked, finally starting to remember the past several hours a lot more clearly. 

“We just wanted to make sure you were okay before we left,” Andrew said with a cute smile that felt like an attack to Dev who just rolled his eyes. 

“Well I’m awake so I guess that’s about as good as it gets,” I teased as I forced myself to sit up straight. “I appreciate you staying,” I say just to be an adult, I wished they would be gone when I woke up but Andrew beamed at the words. “But I’m fine, you can leave. I’m sorry to have burdened you with that; I wasn’t thinking straight. It won’t happen again.” His face fell just as quickly as it brightened and I have to hide my own hurt.

“We were actually hoping to talk before we left,” Patrick rushed out as I let my legs swing over the side of the bed. He stepped forward as if to catch me if I were to fall but Dev beat him to it; I still waved him off.

“About what? There’s nothing to talk about. You have the same amount of information that I do about the drug. Figure out the rest by yourself like everyone else will.”

“I meant talk about us,” he said a bit harsher. “We kind of left things abruptly the last time. I’d rather not do that again.”

“You mean when you left?” My feet it the floor and before I was given permission I began walking to the door. I walked through the halls without a care in the world as the four of them followed me.

“No we mean when you pushed us away,” Andrew corrected. 

“I don’t remember it happening that way.”

“Were you hit in the head shortly after,” Patrick asked sarcastically with the roll of his eyes but I didn’t bother answering. 

“I have work to do,” I say as I stop at the door of the war room, knowing that’s the only place that would fit as many people as we needed to brief. “Stay or don’t, I don’t care but that doesn’t mean we’ll speak when I’m done and that doesn’t mean I’ll speed things up for you. We could be there for hours.” We wouldn’t but they didn’t need to know that.

Andrew’s face hardened as settled himself against the wall before sliding down to his ass and pulling out his phone, seemingly ready to be there a while. Patrick followed with a lot less enthusiasm but I didn’t care.

“Barrett stay with them. Send them home if they get annoying.”

“Why do I have to do it,” he groaned, staring at Andrew with nothing but hate in his eyes.

“Because I said so.” I don’t bother waiting for him to complain more as I walk into the room and take a deep breath; praying to any god left that would still serve me to make those two leave before I got done.