Apr 2015.

Sophomore, University.

I slid down against the wall, struggling to catch my breath. My chest rose and fell in frantic bursts as I placed a shaky hand over my heart, desperate to calm the rapid beating. "Ugh... huff..." I gasped; my attempts to control the panic failed.

"Myung!" Taemin rushed into the restroom, a small paper bag in his hand. Without a word, he kneeled in front of me, holding the bag up. "Breathe into this—it'll help."

I took the bag, pressing it into my mouth as I breathed into it, feeling the warmth of my own breath against my face. Gradually, as the paper filled and emptied with each exhale, my breathing steadied. My heart's pounding softened, and I finally lowered the bag, muttering, "Thanks..."

Taemin ran a hand through his hair, letting out a sigh. "Your condition is getting worse. Maybe it's time to see a psychiatrist, Myung."

I averted my gaze, hesitating. "I'm... thinking about dropping out."

Taemin's eyes widened, his expression one of shock. "What!? You want to quit?"

"I can't do it anymore," I murmured, my voice barely a whisper. "Not after what happened." My gaze remained fixed on the floor, too ashamed to meet his eyes.

"I... I don't know what to say..." Taemin mumbled as he sat still, his expression showing his conflict.

After witnessing Shian's death, I found myself unable to bear the hospital atmosphere anymore. Every time I stepped inside, the walls seemed to close in, the sterile smell and fluorescent lights tightening around me like a vice. I couldn't shake the feeling of suffocation, as though the memory of his final moments was embedded in every corner of the place.

At night, sleep had become a battle. The nightmares were relentless, filling the dark hours with scenes I couldn't escape from. And so, I started to dread sleep itself, fearing images that would return as soon as I closed my eyes.

~

As I left the hospital building and made my way to the bus stop, the sun began to sink below the horizon, painting the sky with vivid shades of orange, purple, and red. A light spring breeze swept across my skin, carrying with it the scent of fresh air that seemed to clear away some of the weight pressing on my chest. I slid my hands into the pockets of my white cotton jacket and sat down at the bus stop, taking a moment to breathe.

A familiar ringtone broke the quiet, and I pulled my phone from my pocket, answering with a simple, "Hey..." as I swung my legs absently, waiting for Haru's voice.

"Where are you?" he asked, his tone quieter than usual, and it held a trace of something I couldn't quite place.

I hesitated for a moment, feeling a twinge of concern. "At the bus stop, heading home," I replied.

"You don't have work tonight?" he asked, his voice still low.

"No, my shift is tomorrow."

"Then let's meet. I'll send you the address."

"Huh? I need to be h—" Before I could finish, the line went dead, and within seconds, a notification appeared. I opened his message, staring at the address with growing unease. A bar...

A flicker of anxiety twisted in my stomach. What's going on with him? I wondered, my mind racing. The feeling was oddly familiar, almost like déjà vu, and it carried a sense of foreboding I couldn't shake. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself, but my thoughts were already spiraling. Please, let this not be more bad news.

~

The bar was dimly lit, with shadows flickering on the walls from candlelight that danced atop each table. The air carried the scent of aged wood, mingling with hints of whiskey and lingering traces of tobacco. Soft jazz hummed in the background, the bassline a subtle vibration underfoot, blending with the low murmur of patrons and clinking glasses. I stepped further inside, scanning the room for Haru amidst the crowd.

Finally, I spotted him slouched at the bar counter, a half-empty glass of whiskey in his hand. I slid onto the stool beside him, my eyes tracing his face as he downed the remainder of his drink. "Haru," I said, concern heavy in my voice. "What's going on with you?" I placed a hand gently on his lap, and he turned his head; his cheeks flushed as he smiled, sheepish and slightly unfocused.

"Hehe... my MiuMiu is here," he slurred, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me close, his grip tighter than usual.

"Y-You're suffocating me!" I protested, pressing my palms against his chest, trying to create some space, but he only tightened his embrace, holding me closer.

"Ugh! Let go, you drunkard!" I muttered, wriggling slightly, though his desperation started to sink in. Just then, his voice dropped to a raw whisper, barely audible.

"She cheated on me," he murmured, his breath warm against my neck as he buried his face there, hiding from the world.

I flinched, caught off guard. My hands fell from his chest to my sides, uncertain how to respond. "What a b*tch," I muttered; the first wave of emotion hit me as irritation.

Haru laughed, pulling back from the hug, his eyes sparkling despite the hurt lingering there. "Hahaha... That's your first reaction, seriously? Haha..."

I rubbed the back of my head awkwardly. "I mean... sorry to hear that!" I managed, the words coming out as a muddled attempt at comfort.

Still chuckling, Haru held his stomach in one hand and waved the other at me, trying to steady himself. "Gosh, stop! You're making it worse! Hahaha..."

"Don't laugh!" I hissed, giving him a half-hearted glare. He's drunk.

Sliding off the stool, I moved beside him. "Let's go home. You've had enough," I said, looping my arm under his and dragging his arm around my neck for support.

He staggered a little, still laughing, his face flushed. "Why are you so cute?" he murmured, his finger pointing at me for emphasis before dropping it clumsily to his side. "Huh?"

I sighed, shifting my weight as we started toward the door. I hope he won't remember half of this by morning...

~

With my dad's help, I managed to lay Haru down on my bed as he mumbled gibberish under his breath. "MiuMi... marry... me... all I need... huff... is you." He rolled onto his side, hugging my pillow like a lifeline.

"What's wrong with him? And who's Mium?" My dad arched an eyebrow, his eyes narrowing slightly as he stood in the middle of the room.

I grinned awkwardly as I pulled the blanket over Haru. "He means his ex. They broke up, so... yeah," I muttered, hoping that was enough explanation.

Dad shook his head, sighing as he made his way to the door. "No wonder he's wasted." He grabbed the door handle and pulled it shut behind him, leaving us alone.

I let out a heavy sigh, sitting on the edge of the bed and watching Haru's sleeping face. "You wanted to marry her just a while ago, and now you wanna marry me?" I scoffed, flicking his forehead with my finger. "You jerk."

Just as I was about to get up to change my clothes, I felt a sudden tug as Haru's hand closed around my wrist, pulling me back toward the bed. "What the heck?" I muttered, startled.

Haru's eyes cracked open just a little, glazed and unfocused, but his voice was a low mumble. "They say the fake one can never replace the original..."

"Huh?" I furrowed my eyebrows, more confused and annoyed by his drunken nonsense. "Just go back to sleep before I beat the sh*t out of you!"

But before I could pull away, Haru raised his hands to cup my face. In an instant, he yanked me down with unexpected force, and my lips collided with his. I froze, my eyes wide open as his lips pressed against mine. My hands instinctively pushed against his chest, and I quickly pulled back, my heart pounding erratically.

Haru grinned, his eyes already closing, as he sank back into the pillow and drifted off almost immediately, leaving me staring in disbelief.

You've got to be kidding me!

I sprang up from the bed, grabbed my pajamas, and rushed into the bathroom. Slamming the door shut behind me, I leaned against it, trying to catch my breath. "I can't believe he pulled that sh*t again..." I muttered, clenching my teeth as I stared at my reflection in the mirror. My face was flushed, crimson creeping all the way to my ears.

"Just wait till you wake up, Kim Haru!" I mumbled under my breath.

*****

We sat around the dining table as my mom set out the last few dishes for breakfast. Haru picked up his bowl of rice, a cheerful smile spreading across his face. "Thank you, Auntie!" he said, sliding his chopsticks into the bowl with familiar ease.

"Enjoy your meal!" My mom replied, smiling back at him as she settled down next to Dad, both seated across from us.

I stole a glance at Haru, chewing slowly as I watched him. Is he really not remembering last night? Or is he pretending? My brow furrowed as I tried to gauge his expression, but his face gave away nothing beyond his usual cheer.

"Myung," my dad's voice broke through my thoughts, bringing my gaze up to him. "Didn't you say you had something important to tell us yesterday?"

I did, but not now... not in front of Haru. The chopsticks hovered above my bowl as I met my dad's expectant eyes. "Let's talk about it another time," I said finally, hoping to delay the conversation a little longer.

"Just say it, son," my mom urged, leaning forward with her elbows on the table, a hint of curiosity in her gaze. "You're making us worried."

To my side, Haru's look mirrored his interest, his brows drawn in mild confusion.

"Fine," I sighed, setting my chopsticks down on the table. I felt my heart begin to race; the words suddenly felt heavy in my mouth. "The thing is..." I paused, swallowing hard. "I'm going to... to drop out..."

All three of them stared at me, their expressions frozen in shock. An awkward silence engulfed the room until my dad finally spoke, his voice sharp. "Drop out? Why? What's the matter?"

My gaze fell to the table as I mumbled, "I'm not made for this path. I just... can't do it anymore."

"But Myung, you worked so hard to get into this university! You can't just give up because of a few negative thoughts!" My mom's voice grew tense, frustration lacing her words.

I could feel Haru's concerned gaze on me from across the table, though he remained silent, his expression unreadable.

I took a breath, clenching my fists as I tried to steady myself. "I'm having a hard time, Mom. I'm throwing up almost every day, seeing nightmares every night, and..." My voice wavered as a lump formed in my throat. "I can't stop seeing... Shian's face every time I see a patient in bad condition."

"Is that all?" My dad scoffed, crossing his arms as he shook his head, his disappointment obvious. "When will you stop being such a weakling?"

"I'm not a weakling!" I shot back, my voice rising. "I just don't want to work in a f*cking hospital! I hate it! Every single thing about it!"

"Watch your tone with your father!" My mom snapped, her expression hardening. "You're the one who chose to be a nurse! If you didn't want it, then you should have—"

"Have I ever had a choice?!" My voice cracked as I stood, anger bubbling up from every corner of my mind. "You both pushed me into this! I never wanted it!"

"Myung! How dare you—"

"I'm done!" Before they could say another word, I bolted out the front door, the weight in my chest building with each step. I didn't know where I was going; I only knew I needed to escape that suffocating space. I ran, feeling the sharp bite of the cold air, my heart pounding in my ears.

Suddenly, my body jerked back as someone grabbed my wrist firmly, spinning me around. I stumbled, colliding with a familiar chest. The comforting scent told me everything before I looked up and met Haru's steady gaze; his face was a mixture of concern and calm.

His hands moved up to my shoulders, and before I could say anything, he pulled me into a tight embrace, his fingers tangling gently in my hair as he held me close.

No words were spoken. As I felt his steady heartbeat and his warmth around me, the tension in my chest began to ease, giving way to a strange, almost desperate calm.

...

Little did I know that this embrace that soothed me would one day become the source of my deepest despair.

*****

CONTINUE IN PART TWO...