14
December
Perhaps this is the day I realized
How much image mattered to my mother
My Silence in that home was too loud
It wasn’t even Christmas yet
They through a party because we would be with my mother's family for Christmas that year
They spoke while I held my head down
They spoke to me and I didn’t attempt to build a conversation
Perhaps I was still shaken
Perhaps it was still too soon
My step-father's lies still rung in my ears
And the door was only now being closed
Still, I stared at it praying it wouldn’t open
I only slept facing that door
Only after exhaustion swept me into its arms
Could I sleep
I still felt the lump in my throat
even after I swallowed
I felt my eyes burn anytime I spoke
On my drive home, my mother stopped the car in the driveway
“Do you hate him, do you hate me?”
“No ama”
“Then why do you embarrass me so”
“…”
Tears dropped down my eyes but not a sob
I inhaled and exhaled
Deep enough so a sob couldn’t escape
My silence became my asylum
It prevented more tears and anger
Or maybe it caused anger
My aloofness allowed me to sit in that dark cold kitchen corner and cry
Until I forced myself up and into the bathroom
In fear that my brother would get home from work and see me cry
What would I say
What could I say
So I washed my face
Smiled in the mirror
Practice I thought
15
I’m sorry I wasn’t looking like a victim
Did I need to cry every day for you to see
Did you want to see me in fear of him
Is that what you wanted
Because whenever he walked past me
And his hand landed on my waist
I tensed up
Like when his hand landed on my breast
But somehow at 13, I called out his name
Hoping he’d stop and he did
He’d go back to his bed
Why me
But now I couldn’t say a thing
What do I do when silence is my asylum
Silence keeps me safe
And fear keeps me silent
How could you tell your daughter you don’t believe her
After you sat next to her on her bed
In front of her two siblings
Whom she never wished would find out about their father
Whom she loved and wanted to protect
While she cried and trembled before you
And fidgeted her fingers in fear
So much you couldn’t understand her
And ask her
“Did he make you touch him”
And then make him apologize the next day
With her in the room
Make her go to him
While he lied saying he didn’t do anything
But he was sorry if he offended her
But his phone was so full of greed lust and lies
How could he lie so well two feet away from the one thing that could convict him
15
“Are you doing it to break us up do you hate me?”
You told me you’d protect me
You told me it was ok
That it’s good I told you
I wanted to trust you
And I did
The one woman I could trust…
I was wrong
12
“Don’t tell your mom”
Funny, how could one phrase would hold so much power
While the words are so insignificant
Was I afraid of him or that
You wouldn’t believe me
That he’d still do it again
That there was no proof
That he could easily deny it
That I was making it up for attention
Why didn’t I say anything
Was I scared you’d think I wanted it
Did I want it?
Did I
Comments (0)
See all