When I go out, I feel fine. I'm happy and engaged with the world around me. But when I come back home, the rumination and flashbacks return. It's like the second I walk back in, my mood just dips and I'm wondering why that is.

A part of me thinks that it's because my current place is a small studio apartment, about the size of a small hotel room. I also got boxes of my stuff in here, so... I wouldn't call it cramped, but not particularily roomy. I'm planning to find somewhere a little bigger when I get my life more in order.

Another part of me wonders if that won't solve it, though. I wonder if it's just the whole part of having a house. I need a roof over my head, but I somehow don't think I like houses, either, because of the past. It's hard to explain.

I also think I might be on my own here. It's been a few weeks since I went to the mental health place. They put me on a wait list and said they'd call me, but I haven't heard back. I know that there's been a healthcare crisis in the province as they sort everything out, but they haven't always been reliable. I guess that's why I'm not so disappointed.

Sometimes I wonder if the computer/tech is triggering me. Now that I'm free from my family, there's the only way they can contact me - and as we know from previous entries, they have tried to contact me. I think I feel that, everytime I open up the computer, I'm afraid that I'll get some message from them somewhere, despite blocking them.

I wonder if it's sleep problems, too. I wish I had a real bed, but it wouldn't fit. I'd need one of those expensive folding beds, prolly.

I wonder if it's because it feels lonely, or not like a home. I like having my space and I know a few people here, but maybe it's an adjustment. I guess that's another reason why I'm making this. When I make these posts or my creative stuff, I feel like I'm finally able to express myself to other people, so I don't feel like I'm going through it alone.

Now that I think about, I used to ruminate and stuff when I was out, too, but that's been less of an issue, so maybe my mind just taking it's time adjusting to the fact that we're not in danger anymore. Maybe by Halloween, it'll be fine. I've already been thinking up ideas for it. I want to leave out candy for other people in the apartment, make my yearly treatbags, and scope out possible routes to give out candy since people don't trick-or-treat in apartment buildings.

Well, I guess that's enough pondering. I'm tired because of sleep stuff and Lazy Sundays are the best days to get some extra shut eye. I think it's only been a few days where I look in the mirror and not see my eyes bloodshot or with dark rings around them.