Don’t Love Me

You got me chasing hope out on the Horizon for you.

Eden Project (Ghost)

When Ezekiel woke up he was laying in Brandon’s lap. Soft fingertips danced across Ezekiel’s scalp, eliciting small pleasured shivers. Brandon’s fingertips were cool signaling that the fever that had once gripped him was long gone.

It was also easily apparent from their surroundings that only a small amount of time had passed in the woods, seeing as the dimmed sunlight from above still streamed down from the canopy and touched the pine needles all over the area.

Once more Ezekiel was assaulted by a sharp and unpleasant feeling of throbbing hollowness in his core. It was not painful beyond bearing, but it still sapped his initial strength upon his awakening.

So for a long moment Ezekiel soaked back into himself and he just let a few peaceful moments roll over him. For a long time it seemed that Brandon didn’t know he was awake, but suddenly Brandon was speaking, shattering the pleasurable peace between them.

“I keep going over it in my head Ezekiel...and I’ve decided that you must have a death wish...” Brandon softly spoke his fingers still tracing across Ezekiel’s scalp.

Ezekiel didn’t reply. He sensed that Brandon had something he had to get off of his chest...and after finally seeing Erin and Drin and regain some of his strength he was prepared to have a talk that had been put on hold only a few hours ago.

“This is the second time you’ve willing allowed me to hurt you.” Brandon said next, then he sighed deeply and his hand stopped stroking Ezekiel’s hair. “I don’t understand....Your care for me seems so unesscesary. I’ve given you nothing but trouble.”

Ezekiel chuckled softly, still laying in Brandon’s lap and replied. “Is it that much of a mystery? You know why I feed you. Why I care about you. Are you afraid to acknowledge what I’ve said to you just this morning?”

With a slightly frustrated sigh Brandon asked back. “”Ezekiel what do you want me to say?”

With a small hiss and a grunt Ezekiel pushed himself up from the conferrable confines of Brandon’s embrace, to turn to him and softly reply. “I want you to tell me that you feel something back.” Ezekiel shook his head and gestured out to him. “I would like to know where you stand. I mean do you feel anything for me at all?”

As if the question was a filthy turd, Brandon’s face scrunched up in utter disbelief. “Of course I feel something for you Ezekiel! I..I am so..!”

I’m in love with you!

Brandon started to confess, then he stopped, but the words sat heavy on his heart even as he strangled then in his throat.

“Im the worst...” Brandon scoffed at himself in utter disgust and without another word he twisted up onto his feet and started walking away.

But if Brandon thought he was leaving this conversation Ezekiel’s stopped him in his tracks, as the Guardian shot to his feet and easily captured Brandon’s arm. Brandon turned on him with curses and screams hanging on his tongue, but Ezekiel over rode the anger in his face and stance as he barked his own question.

“You what?” Ezekiel hissed, jerking on Brandon’s arm, bringing him to an unwilling halt a few feet away. “Do you love me?”

A painful lurch in his heart made Brandon flinch away from the dead center words of the Guardian, but in the next moment Brandon spat at him vehemently. “I didn’t say that!

Ezekiel shook his head and growled back just as passionately “But you were about to! So why stop?”

Because you don’t deserve to fall in love with somebody like me....

Brandon thought to himself.

Out loud he replied with a bitter condescension. “Ezekiel this is crazy! It’s fucking moronic do you hear me!? Why would you fall in love with a man like me!? I leave mass graves behind me! We cant kiss or make love!”

Suddenly Ezekiel seemed to calm, his blue eyes, began to glow and he took a small step forwards that brought him close, so close that Brandon had to look up into his eyes. Even if Brandon wanted to he couldn’t step away, seeing as Ezekiel still had him by his eft arm. So he was left staring up into the eyes of his beloved beast.

Without hesitation Ezekiel reached up and touch Brandon’s cheek and as slightly sharp fingertips glanced over his chin, Ezekiel hissed. “Then I’ll ask you the same thing....Why would YOU fall in love with a man like ME?” Ezekiel softly inquired. “Why would you love a Reaver? Broken and diseased?”

“I don’t...!”

Brandon started to object then he stopped.

I don’t love you....!

Is what he wanted to shout back in Ezekiel’s face....but he couldn’t spit those venomous words. He hated to hear the Shifter speak about himself so harshly as well.

He would rather rip out his tongue then say something so painful and untruthful to Ezekiels face. So instead of outright lying or denial, Brandon simply replied. “Don’t compare us right now! You know I am much worse then you Blue Boy. What I have to do, the things I have to do to function are more sinful then having the blood of a Reaver.”

Ezekiel rumbled in obvious frustration and softly rolled his blue eyes. “Brandon I can’t say it more clearly. I don’t care what you are or what you can do!” Ezekiel smirked sadly, flashing a four set of sharp top fangs. “I myself will probably go insane because of what I am. I could go crazy today, tomorrow, eighty years from now or in the next five seconds. It doesn’t make sense for you to care for me at all....In fact you should be screaming and scratching to run away from the sight of me, from the pain I will one day cause you because I am very sick but you aren’t running.” Ezekiel danced his sharp fingertips down Brandon’s nape and the scrape of his talons made him shiver.

Ezekiel rounded his caress so that he was suddenly clasping Brandon’s cheek. “I love you and I know you love me, even if you don’t want to acknowledge it. Your eyes, your body. I can see it in your actions.” Ezekiel took a small breath and asked. “Can’t you answer me truthfully...tell me how you feel?”

The beauty of the man was nearly his undoing. The heat of his touch and the beauty of his words were like arrows to the soul. They garnered so much happiness inside of him that the pain in that moment was only more crippling.

“No....I can’t answer you....” Brandon whispered and flinched as the tears in his eyes blinked warm trails down his cheeks. “I wish you didn’t love me...”

Brandon closed his eyes and it was only at this point that he realized that he was shaking a little. He was terrified. He was so torn. He was so happy. It hurt. Love hurt. Denying it hurt so badly.

“But I do love you Brandon.” Suddenly there was a knuckle under Brandon’s chin, tiling his head back, before soft warm lips pressed to Brandon’s. The kiss was chaste, but sweet, a brush of soft skin and warm breath. A promise. A truth to book end his confession.

When Ezekiel pulled back, Brandon opened his eyes and felt his heart skip a beat. Ezekiel’s gaze was burring bright blue, but in the depths Brandon didn’t see desire or anger. He saw fresh pain and resignation.

Suddenly Ezekiel smoothed his thumbs across Brandon’s cheeks, dashing away the moisture under his eyes. “And I can wait....Until you are ready to give a true answer. I can wait.” Ezekiel murmured, then Ezekiel pulled back.

 “You should stay out here for a lil longer. Get some more fresh air, work your joints. I’ve got to get out and do my Patrols. I think I’ve been neglecting my responsibilities. Lazlo and the rest of the Band need my attention.” Ezekiel smiled, reached down, took Brandon’s hand and kissed the back of it. “I’ll see you later.” He said softly, then he turned and walked away.

Brandon could have stopped him. He could have spit out the words that he should have said that morning....but the truth in his heart refused to break past the darkness of his circumstances. The darkness of what he was. The darkness of the future.

So much pain. So many unanswered questions. So much guilt. So much hatred.

Why love something like him?

What the hell was he anyway?

With a small swirl in his stomach that had nothing to do with the Flame Brandon soon fled away from the sunlight and the beautiful fields, back into the mansion.

Knowing that he didn’t dare return to Ezekiel’s bedroom Brandon went looking for a new guest room to sleep in. He soon discovered that his old room was still sporting a broken window.

So Brandon quickly collected his clothes and other items, including the pack that Glen had created for him, and he selected a new room, at random, from the other eight fully furnished bedrooms that inhabited the second floor of the Mansion.

Packing away the few possessions that he had in the bed side dresser in his new room, Brandon slowly came to realize that the swirl in his stomach had turned into a soft chill. HE felt sick, and shaky and anxious. Butterflies kissed his throat. He felt cold.

And none of it had anything to do with the Flame.

Feeling worse as the moments passed Brandon slowly crawled into the bed, got under the covers and tried to rub some sensation back into his body. Soon enough Brandon realized that he knew exactly what was wrong.

His heart....was broken. Once more Brandon had hurt Ezekiel. He had put that hurt expression on his face. He had inflicted pain on a man that had never so much as cast him a truly critical word.

Brandon had lied to him repeatedly. Brought danger into his life. Even when Ezekiel tried to help him

Hurting him....turning from his affection over and over was becoming as painful as the Flames hunger and just as inescapable. And yet.....Brandon didn’t know what else he was supposed to do.

He couldn’t accept Ezekiel.

Ezekiel should never accept him. They could never be made one. Never know peace.

Unbidden the beautiful face of Nora flashed in his heart. Her calm smile and her big open gaze. He remembered her so clearly. He remembered her council. Her love.

Love that had killed her.

Loving him had killed her.

Brandon could admit only in his heart to how deeply he loved Ezekiel and that he would do anything to protect him, but Brandon had learned that love was painfully cruel...and full of betrayals and death.

Love was a force that felt good, but ultimately ended in tragedy for those that loved a monster like him. If he truly loved his Guardian...he would turn him away.

“I’m....sorry...so sorry..” Brandon wept into his hands as he curled up one a small cramp of pain in his heart. Brandon knew that his words would do the Guardian no good, because the words did nothing to stop the cold ache in his soul.