For 1-4 weeks, I'm going to set aside at least one hour (or however long I can manage) where I stop thinking about the past and feeling sorry for myself. Making journal entries helps me focus.
Rules:
- If I catch my thoughts going to the past, I'll change my activity.
- Focus on doing things that are nice or important.
- I can be sad or angry. I just need to focus on being in a Present Mindset.
- I stay away from my usual destructive habits/quick fixes, like stuffing myself with junk food or binging an entire show.
- If the hour's up and I wanna continue, then I'll do that. If my energy is getting low, then I'll stop.
23-02-18
Felt too warm, so I turned off the heater. Then my feet were too cold, so I put on some socks.
Decided to blast some music and danced around a bit. Then I played around with one of my creative projects and made some progress. I did catch myself going back to a past memory once, so I changed my activity.
I made it over an hour without thinking about the past. Yay!
23-02-19
This day is harder. I struggled to keep myself present and got a mild headache. I managed to get more progress done, on a project, but it was hard to feel good about it because of today's mindset.
A part of it is boredom. Even though I'm employed, I haven't gotten much work so money is still tight for now. I gotta be careful of how much I spend.
So I slow-cooked and chowed down on some maple-flavoured asperagus while watching a game demo.
23-02-20
Well, I decided to give myself an easier task today and did the challange in the afternoon while napping. It worked! : D
23-02-21
I struggled a little bit today, but I was able to spend the hour mostly focusing on a mini project since I had no work today.
23-02-22
I spent the hour preparing and eating lunch and researching for a creaive project.
23-02-24
Took a break yesterday due to it being busy and shitty.
As for today, I tried to use work to help me focus.
~~~
So, that was one week of the challenge. I've also noticed something else and that's that the days where I struggled were the days I woke up in the middle of the night yelling/reliving the past and tossing around. I've only remembered bits of the dreams, which is troubling because I usually have a better awareness or memories of dreaming. When I do, it's one of the older family members.
Yeeaaaaah, I've always thought I had some variant of PTSD from this stuff. I raised the topic when I was looking into councilling and mental health. I was told that I would only get tested and a diagnosis if I was seeking treatment, such as drugs. Since I didn't know the ways it was affecting me, I didn't go further. Now, I think I can consceptualize how I'm acting that doesn't fit into my other diagnosises, it's hurting me, so I'm going to put it on my to-do list to seek out more help. New Brunswick has had problems in the healthcare industry as of late, so I don't know how or when I could get it, but it's worth looking into.
And if that doesn't work, well, there's always some spiritual people I know to do astral projection on.
Fuck feeling sorry for myself, I'm getting out of this pit.
I needed somewhere to write this and here I shall put it!
I can't exactly put it in my Shadow Work journal because I think this aligns more with Light Work.
So, I finally tried leaving my abusive family members, again. I lost count of how many other attempts. Maybe recording my thoughts in a memoir will help. There's always so much that's left unsaid.
Names and places have been changed. Discretion is advised.
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