See, after I moved out and left the last of my abusive/neglectful family members, I felt motivated to write or draw some kind of series about it. I was thinking about making a daily or weekly comic or panel art about some little things that happened during the first year after I moved out. However, as the days came by, my mind kept revisiting the past. I know from other experiences what was happening. Now that I finally got away from those assholes, I felt psychologically free enough that my mind was now processing all the things that happened, especially within the last year of me living at the family home.
At first I wrote in a prive journal and shared with a few friends, but that still didn't feel like enough. Then I remembered Jennette McCurdy's "I'm Glad My Mom Died". She published her book about her abusive mother and how terrible the entertainment industry can still treat kids.
I remember publishing the first chapter and feeling conflicted. I was publishing this personal piece of written stuff under Udern Stroud, my fandom/comic art name. I try to value my privacy and be careful posting too much of that online.
At first, I bargained with myself. I told myself that I would publish it, but not allow comments... and then I allowed comments. I promised myself that I would try to be straightforward and blunt my spite... and then I finished the first post with a "no more treats for you, Bitch". I promised myself that I'd just do it once and keep it to certain incidents... and then I kept returning more to vent.
Yeah, I think the only things I kept was to change the names and make sure to list it as Mature.
That brings the question: Why did I post this?
Red: I wanted to post this for rebellion! That wasn't a family, just a pack of liars! Both our parents made us lie for their own selfish sakes, so I'm gonna share my side and they can eat shit!
Blue: I wanted to post it because the rumination is a problem. When I can lay out a problem and take a step back, I can better see the solution. I'm also open to feedback to better find a solution.
Purple: I thought that maybe it could help with the healing. Confront these miserable things, do my best to deal with them, and then try to continue with life. Shadow Work them if necessary.
Survivor: Revel in finally getting to express myself and talk about how those shitfuckers had it coming. I left them for being assholes and that's justified.
Indigo: I suggested writing and posting this because it's therapeutic. Every story deserves to be told, inclding our own. No one should stifle a good story.
Grey: Because I wasn't the best at being there for the other alters. I took in the abuser's mindset and acted terribly. I want to be more supportive and if this is what they want to do, I want to be there for them.
Yellow: I just wanna let my headmates do what they need to do. I also hate those so-called family members, too. I took over sometimes to help with the leaving, so now they can do what they want to heal.
I think ultimately I need to get my feelings in order to finally cut things off. I had my last argument with Lindsay, told her that I can't be around her because she refused to get counciling, walked out the door... I even blocked her on the phone after sending a text telling her I was blocking her because I was still angry at her. But I never officially ended things. I have yet to tell her that I'm taking back that second chance at a connection I gave her. I want to tell her we're done.
I've already written at least two drafts, but they don't feel right.
Going back the "I'm glad My Mom Died", I was thinking of writing this as a collection of cautionary tales to any future parents about what to expect and what can happen. I didn't quite stick to that plan, but maybe I could do some chapters that focus on that. I also want to use this to sort out my feelings, find my words, and write that final Goodbye.
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