Read Writing My Own Love Story :: Past my Stability Point

(TW: Abuse// Self-Harm// Mental Health)

“Isaac? What happened?” I started to panic.

“I came back to the apartment after work and Will was… he was… there was another man in our apartment. I… I know I took him from you but I didn’t expect him to cheat on me like that and when I caught him he shoved me to the ground. Broke my nose with one punch, pulled my arm behind my back, and shattered it at the elbow. It’s useless now. Shiloh, you can hate me for the rest of our lives but I need you right now. You’re all I have.”

“I don’t hate you, Isaac. You’re my brother. Even if what you did to me was beyond fucked, it brought me to Kai and his sister. We’ve made a family out here. I’m home. I have the life I wanted with William in Kai. But they’re entirely different people and I’m grateful for the pain. I’m here. Okay? Kai will be too. Connor fucking hates you for what happened but he’ll get past it. So what do you need from me right now?”

“Can you convince Ma and Pa to let me come home? I miss them and I never wanted to leave. I had no choice when they threw me out.”

“I can try. We’ll be there for Christmas, and Juni and Connor are getting married on the farm.”

“Who is Juni?”

“My baby sister,” Kai called softly, “Isaac. I’m so sorry this happened. I don’t particularly like you for what you did. But I can learn to forgive it if you promise to never do something like this again. To anyone.”

“I promise. It was a stupid mistake. I can’t blame my age for it, but I… I was just…”

“I know,” I whispered, “I know that Jana broke you, but stealing my boyfriend away wasn’t the way to go about it, Isaac. We could have gotten you help, could have found you someone else. Will was… um…” I stuttered and covered my face with my free hand, “I should have warned you and I was so angry I didn’t.”

“What are you talking about?” Isaac hissed, clearly in pain.

“Will used to smack me. Never hard enough to leave any evidence behind but enough to get my attention if I was doing something he wasn’t happy with. I had no idea that wasn’t normal until I met Kai.”

“Shiloh…” Kai looked at me in shock, “baby why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t think it was a big deal until now. I’m not dealing with that anymore, you’d never put your hands on me. I know that. I’m not foolish. I was just naive as hell.”

“Shiloh… I have to give my statement to the police now. But will you text me when you talk to Ma and Pa?” Isaac cleared his throat.

“Yes. I will. I will do my best to convince them. I’ll start with Pa. He’s going to be easier than Ma.”

“Thank you. I… I love you Shi.”

“I love you too, Iz.”

We hung up and I stared at my phone, unsure how to process what Isaac had told me. Kai slowly took my phone from my hand and went through my contacts, dialing Thatcher as I stared blankly at the floor.

“Hello? Shiloh?” Thatcher answered confused.

“Hi, Mr. Hartley. This is Kai. Shiloh is here too.”

“Oh! Hi Kai. What’s up, kid?”

“We just got off the phone with Isaac. It’s bad, sir,” Kai took my hand and I began to cry quietly.

“What happened to my son?” Thatcher’s tone deepened, taking on a protective tone.

“William hurt him. Broke his nose and shattered his elbow. He’s at the police station right now giving a statement. He doesn’t have anywhere to go and is too scared to reach out to you and Joanna. He wants to come home. He’s intensely sorry for what happened, knows he made a mistake and Shiloh will work on forgiving him. We all are. Well… maybe not Connor but the rest of us will. Connor is unforgiving. Anyway, he wanted us to ask you and Joanna to allow him to come home. He misses you and never wanted to leave.”

Thatcher cleared his throat, clearly crying on the other end before I could hear him gasp softly, “oh. Jo, you’re home.”

“Yeah,” Joanna called, her voice muffled by the distance, “what’s up, honey?”

“Shiloh and Kai are on the phone. It’s… one of us needs to go to Vermont and bring Isaac home.”

“Why?” Joanna’s voice grew louder as she got closer, “hi Shi.”

“He’s not in a place to talk, Joanna. This is Kai. Isaac is hurt. Severely. William hurt him. He wants to come home.”

“W… wait. I don’t understand. We thought… we thought he was safe with him,” Joanna started to cry and I gripped Kai’s hand tightly, my heart clenching.

“Shiloh shared that Will had been hurting him as well. Never as severely as this, Shiloh just didn’t know that small smacks to get his attention wasn’t normal.”

“Shiloh…”

“Sorry, Ma,” I hiccuped, “I didn’t think to tell Iz. I just… I let my anger blind me.”

“It’s not your fault. Not at all,” Kai kissed the side of my head, “you couldn’t have realized that Will would do this to him. What they did to you wasn’t okay, but it wasn’t your job to keep Isaac safe. Your only job is to protect yourself. No matter what.”

“Right… I know,” I nodded.

“I’m booking a ticket out there right now,” Joanna called softly, “I’ll go help Isaac. He can come home. No matter what happened, you are our children, and other than murder there’s not much you could do that would make me disown either of you. We’ll see you before Christmas. Tell Juni that I ordered a ton of things for the wedding.”

“I will,” Kai sniffled.

“She’s filled my house with ribbons and fake flowers,” Thatcher huffed, “it’s ridiculous. But worth it. We’ll see you soon.”

“We’ll see you soon. I’ll tell Isaac. I love you, Ma. Love you, Pa,” wiping my nose, I leaned further into Kai, my heart lighter.

“We love you,” Thatcher hung up and Kai tossed my phone onto the table.

“What in the world is going on lately?” he sighed softly, “I hate this.”

“It’s just another small bump. Can we just get dinner and sleep? I’m worn out. Today has been so much for me and…” I lay down, resting my head on his lap.

“Anything for you,” he bent down and kissed my forehead before taking out his own phone and ordering what he knew I’d want from our favorite Italian restaurant.

After dinner, I took a quick shower and changed into the one pair of pajamas I had managed to save from the pipe damage. I was braiding my hair in the mirror as I started to cry and punch the countertop, my heart breaking as I thought of what I had just done to myself in the shower.

Everything is all over the place.

I can’t keep up anymore.

It’s too much for me.

I can’t believe I’m doing this to myself again.

“Shiloh?” Kai called from outside the bathroom door.

“D… don’t…”

“Shiloh please,” he started knocking and I unlocked the door, moving away to sit on the toilet, “honey…”

“Don’t… just… do something for me.”

“What do you need?” he squatted down, rubbing my leg softly.

“Go into my shoulder bag. There’s a small mint tin in there. Throw it away. Please. I also… I also need some kind of bandage okay?”

“For what?”

“I…” taking a shuddering breath, I lifted the right side of my shirt to show him that I had hurt myself again, “I’m sorry.”

“Shiloh…” he lightly touched around the small cuts I had made into my side, “oh baby.”

“I’m all over the place and overwhelmed. I have to stop… I know. So, please. Throw away the tin. I also need my medication. I left it out there.”

“Okay,” Kai nodded and grabbed the spare razors he had in the top drawer along with the ones from the shower.

I could hear him moving around in the living room as I sat there ashamed of myself, my side stinging. I had managed to go 2 years without devolving back to this behavior, proud of myself for it, and threw it away because of how up and down my emotions had been today.

Kai returned and had me take my shirt off before cleaning my side and taking gauze and medical tape to cover the wound. He carefully put my shirt back on me before picking me up and carrying me to the couch, his silence crushing me as I buried my head into his chest. He laid me on the couch before climbing behind me and pulling the blanket over us, holding me tightly.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“I know. But it’s okay. We all take steps backward when we’re healing from pain. Today was too much for you. I know that now. I didn’t help any. Actually, I didn’t help at all and I’m sorry. I pushed you a lot today. Emotionally, physically. I was so happy, I lost sight of how you would be feeling. Today was one of the best days of my life, and I wanted you to feel that way too. Instead, I scared you, Isaac is hurt. We did very little to manage your emotions and then I left you alone in the bathroom. I can’t blame you for what you did, but I can’t support it either. Honey,” he turned my head and kissed my cheek, “I think… I think it’ll be good for you to start seeing someone again. Not just for your medications. I think you could use someone to talk to. Someone that isn’t directly involved in our lives. I can’t expect you to be whole all the time, even if you act like you are. You still get that look in your eyes and I’ve never worked out why. It worries me.”

“I know. I’ll call someone tomorrow. I promise. Um,” rolling over, I laid my hands on his chest, “promise me something as well.”

“Okay.”

“No matter what I tell you, you won’t leave me…”

“Never. Unless you hurt someone,” he kissed my forehead softly.

“What if I was going to die tomorrow?” I whispered, making Kai jump.

“What do you mean?”

“I… I have hemophilia. You had to have noticed that when I bleed… I don’t stop. For a long time. My side is still bleeding, I can feel it and my palm from earlier,” rolling on my back, I pulled the bandage the nurse had given me and flexed my palm, showing him how easily I bled, “the reason losing my leg was so terrifying wasn’t the fact it was shattered. It wasn’t the pain. It was the sheer amount of blood I was losing. I died, Kai. I actually did. Lying on the pavement while we waited for the paramedics. They were able to save me thanks to a blood transfusion from Isaac. But I died for about 3 minutes and there was nothing. No bright light. No one waiting on the other side for me. It was darkness. Then I woke up and my leg was gone and I was lying in a hospital bed with my parents sitting next to me, Isaac cuddled into my side. That far-off look I get? The one you worry about? It’s the fear. The fear that there was nothing there waiting for me. The fear that if I have children… they’ll have the same issue as me. I’m terrified, Kai. Yeah, I made it through that one traumatic event. But what if something else happens? A car accident? A robbery? Some kind of damage to me and no one is there to save me. Hurting myself helped me have some control over that. It’s stupid… I know. It’s how I coped. But it’s also really fucking dumb of me because if it’s too deep, it won’t stop bleeding. I get weak, shaky. I give myself injections in secret of a medication that forces my blood to clot. But it only works to a point. My biggest fear is passing this on to someone else. To my children.”

Kai was silent, softly rubbing my back before he pressed his lips to my forehead, “Shiloh. Is it well managed?”

“When I remember to give myself the injections.”

“Start doing them when I give myself insulin. How often?”

“I only need to once a week unless I’ve been severely hurt. Then I have to go back to 4 times a week. Then two. Then back to one.”

“Alright,” he sighed, “I’m wrapping you in bubble wrap. No getting hurt.”

“I also have a smaller lifespan. I probably won’t live past 85.”

“That means I get 63 years by your side. That’s plenty,” he kissed my jawline, “I’m also older than you. So I’ll probably pass before you. But I don’t want to think about that. I want to think about our future.”

“We just got together,” I laughed sadly.

“So? We’ve been practically dating for 3 months. Come on. Talk about the future with me.”

“Fine. Go ahead. Share your ideas.”

“I want to get married in a year or two. On your parent’s farm. Use a surrogate to have a baby. Or two. One from each of us.”

“No.”

“Shiloh…”

“Kai. I’m not having biological children. I can’t. I’m too afraid for that. I don’t want to pass the gene on. We can use a surrogate but I want it to be from you. Not from me.”

“Will you think about it?”

“I… I suppose but I really don’t think I’ll change my mind.”

“I just think it’d be cute to have a little me and a little you running around. I want a daughter.”

“I want a son but gender is a construct so I guess we’ll just wait and see.”

“I won’t care as long as I get to raise a bunch of babies with you.”

“Kai,” I snorted, turning my head to look at him, “the house in Idaho only has 5 bedrooms. We could have 4.”

“Yeah, my plan of 12 might be a bit too much.”

“Jesus! How would we even take care of 12 kids? How would we take care of one! We own a cafe.”

“A cafe that does very well thanks to my amazing boyfriend,” he gently rubbed my stomach with his fingers.

“You realize that when we move back to Idaho, we won’t make as much as we do now.”

“I disagree. We can open one in Boise. How far away from the house would that be?”

“About twenty minutes.”

“So I get morning commutes with you?”

“I suppose,” I nodded, studying his face, “Kai… are you sure being with me is what you want? You can change your mind. I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve never been in a proper, loving relationship. I don’t know what to do by you.”

“Just keep being you,” he ran his fingers through my hair and I closed my eyes, “you treat me so well. You don’t even notice yet. It’ll be easier now that we’re living together.”

“I forgot that happened today. You’re good at distracting me.”

“I know. I want you to take your mind off what happened and focus on the good things. We’re a couple finally. Juniper is going to be fine. We have a wedding to plan for my lovely little sister. Annoyed she’s getting married before me.”

“You’re the one who waited for me. But fuck,” I kissed him deeply and smiled as I pulled away, “I am so happy you did.”

“Me too,” he laughed.

Kai’s phone started to vibrate on the table and I reached back to grab it, quickly handing it to him.

“Connor?” he answered on speaker.

“No it’s Juni,” Juniper laughed, “Are you alone?”

“Yes,” he gestured at me to stay quiet, “Shiloh is cleaning my room for me.”

“Good. Okay. Connor and I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“What is it?”

“At what point are you finally leaving Oregon? You hate it here.”

“I know. I’m waiting until you’re able to work and take care of yourself. I still pay all your bills, Juni. I can’t pay for you and my own expenses if we aren’t living together.”

“Is Shiloh planning to go with you?”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Excuse me?” Kai looked at me confused.

“Don’t drag him into any more of your bullshit, Kai. He’s too good for you. Too pure.”

“Juni,” Kai whispered, his heart clearly falling apart, “why are you saying this? This doesn’t sound like you.”

“Have you told him the truth? The big secret? Hm? Have you, Kai?”

“W… well no but it doesn’t matter right now.”

“It does when you’re going to lose the house!” she yelled at him.

“J… Juniper I’m not… I…”

“Who are you lying to? Me? Or Shiloh? I know he’s there.”

“We… we have a year.”