(TW: Mention of Su*c*de Attempt)

We sat in the car for a few more minutes before Kai was ready to go into the house. There was giggling coming from Juniper’s room and after ensuring Kai was comfortable on the couch, I went over and knocked on the door.

“Juniper? I don’t mean to shock you. It’s Shi.”

“Is everything okay?” She called back, “when did you get keys?”

“Things are bad, Juni. It’s not just me. Kai is here too.”

“He’s supposed to be in Corvallis! Okay, give Connor and me a minute we’ll be right there.”

I returned to the living room and sat next to Kai, taking his hand slowly.

“I’m scared,” he whispered.

“You’re going to be okay. Everything is scary right now. Kai… it’s time to depend on your sister. Not be her guide. Let her be yours as well.”

“I’m getting better at seeing her as an adult and not a child. You’re helping with that.”

“I’m glad.”

Kai cuddled closer to me, entirely different than he normally was. I was used to the Kai who took control of every situation, the one who seemed wise beyond his years. The man sitting next to me was completely docile, needing to be held.

“Oh Kai,” I rubbed the top of his head with my cheek, “you’ve been hiding from me. Such a sweet, gentle person aren’t you?”

“Yes,” he whispered, “I crave touch. Being held. I’ve never had that before. My whole life is cold. I’m good at faking it.”

“Not as good as you think you are,” Juniper called from behind the couch, coming from her room with Connor, “you’re not a very good-” her words died as she came around the couch and got her first true look at Kai, “oh… Oh Kai, no…”

“I…” he started to cry and I wrapped him tightly in my arms as Connor sat on the other side of him, copying me.

Juniper stopped in front of him, her eyes welling with tears and she carefully took his hand, running her fingers along the bandage, “Kai… Kai, are you trying to leave me again?”

“Again?” I looked at her and she nodded.

“When I was 12 I found Kai in the garage. He was supposed to take me to the zoo. It was the day after my birthday and we had saved up enough money for us to go. We even borrowed a car from a family friend. I was so excited. Instead… I found him trying to hang himself from the rafters. I called for our mom and she came running, stopping him. Kai was in the hospital for 3 months after that. I had to take care of myself. But I never blamed him. I knew how much he was hurting. Then mom died and I was so scared I’d lose him. But he worked so hard. I thought… Oh, Kai, I thought you were doing better.”

“I… Juni, there’s so much you don’t know,” he hiccuped softly, “you’re going to hate me when you find out.”

“Did you kill someone?”

“No.”

“Rape someone?”

“Never.”

“Hurt a baby?”

“Of course not you know I love babies and want my own.”

“Then there’s nothing you can tell me right now that will make me hate you. I just want honesty.”

Kai nodded slowly, clutching me around the waist and I slowly started rubbing his back.

“I found him,” I whispered, “in the office at the cafe. Nearly catatonic. He talked to me but didn’t realize I was there. Not truly.”

“Thank you. For saving my brother,” Juniper rubbed my cheek and I nodded.

“I will always protect him.”

Kai took another shaky breath and closed his eyes before he slowly began to tell Juniper everything he had kept from her. The truth about their father, the fact that they had a half-brother who had wanted to use Kai for a scheme before breaking him again. He told her everything about the crimes he had committed to keep them in their home, how hard all of that had been on him, and finally the truth about their mother.

“It was just too much, Juniper, and I… I needed to release how I was feeling. I knew as soon as I was done I made a mistake. I’m sorry. For never telling you any of this. I just wanted to protect you,” Kai hiccuped, his eyes still closed as he rubbed my stomach gently.

“Kai,” Juniper whispered and I reached over, taking her hand, “I already knew all that but I’m glad you finally told me in your own words.”

“Y… you knew?” he opened his eyes, a tear escaping, “how?”

“You keep journals of everything you do. I’m your little sister. I read them. Even now. Because I get worried about you. So I read to see where your headspace is. Then I change things around you to make sure that it will help. I have been protecting you for years without you realizing it. Haru reached out to me too. Telling me that it was shameful to be related to someone like me. As if there was anything wrong with me. I’m great so fuck him. Fuck that entire side. We aren’t associated with them. This is our family, Kai. You, me, Connor, and Shiloh. This is it. It’s a little small, and we’re all a little damaged, but we have each other. That’s what matters.”

“It’s not just us 4,” I ran my fingers through Kai’s hair, “my parents will love all 3 of you. Bring you into our family. Kai wants to go to Idaho at Christmas,” I smiled at Juniper, “meet my family. See where I grew up. I want you two to come as well.”

“I can stay for 2 days before I head to Florida,” Connor wiped a few tears away, “I’d love that.”

“Me too,” Juniper nodded excitedly.

“Then we’ll go. But we need to help Kai find himself before we do. I’m going to stay here for a while I think. I think it’s best for everyone if we’re all together. I’ll go to and from work with you, help around the house, and we’ll find activities for you to do. Really work on finding yourself. I can run the cafe alone if you simply want to sit in the back. We’ve got you, Kai. You’re not alone. Do you remember what I told you?”

“You see me,” he whispered, tilting his head to look up at me, his emerald eyes sparkling in the light.

“I see you,” I whispered back, gently rubbing his jawline and he quickly kissed my palm.

“What do you need right now, Kai?” Juniper squeezed his knee.

“Food. My monitor. I have no idea what my sugar levels are right now. I have no idea if I’ve eaten today. I need water. I don’t feel well and that’s not good.”

“We got it,” Connor jumped up and ran into the kitchen, first returning with the monitor before running back and grabbing snacks and water, “here. I’ll cook something but eat this for now.”

“Thank you,” Kai nodded, hissing as he tried to unzip the case for his monitor and I slowly took it from him, opening it myself.

“How do I do this?”

“Take a test strip, put it in at the end of the machine, prick the tip of my finger, and press it to that. It’ll give us a quick reading.”

“Got it.”

I did as he asked and we sat for a moment before the monitor began beeping rapidly.

“That’s not good,” he sighed and popped a pistachio in his mouth, “I need my insulin.”

“Connor,” Juniper yelled and he nodded, grabbing it from the fridge as well as the other supplies Kai needed and handed it to her, “thank you. Take your pants off,” she started getting things ready and Kai shook his head.

“No. My thighs are cut too. Do my stomach.”

“Fine. Lift your shirt.”

He did as she asked and laid back and she quickly gave him the injection before placing a small round bandage over it.

“He needs to eat and lay here for about an hour, then he’ll be okay,” Juniper nodded at me, cleaning things up.

“Thanks, Juni. I had no idea what to do as far as that went.”

“I’ve done it so many times. He normally does it in his leg but the stomach is the best, he just hates it.”

“Shi,” Kai looked up at me, “are you still staying?”

“I promised you I would.”

“Okay,” he nodded, closing his eyes, “can you help me take the wrap off my arm tomorrow? I have to keep the stitches covered with a big bandaid and I can’t do that myself.”

“Anything for you.”

We sat there for a long time in silence as Connor cooked for Kai. Kai threw his legs into my lap and I softly rubbed his shins, closing my eyes. My phone began to ring in my pocket and I pulled it out, finding the caller to be my mother.

“Hey Ma,” I smiled as I answered on speaker.

“Shiloh! You haven’t called me in so long I was worried.”

“Sorry. Things have been interesting. I made a few wonderful friends, I told you about them.”

“Oh right! Connor, Kai, and Juniper right?”

“Mhm. Um… I dropped out of college but it’s only because I finally opened the bakery. Kai owns the coffee shop I work at and he helped me open it.”

“You… you did? Oh, baby! That’s amazing. I'm so happy for you. Tell him thank you for me.”

“He can hear you. I’m with them right now.”

“Oh! Hi Shiloh’s friends,” she called, making us laugh.

“Hi Ma’am,” Kai sat up on his elbows, “it’s nice to talk to you. I’m Kai.”

“I’m Juni!” Juniper jumped in, “Connor is cooking right now but he waved.”

“Thank you, all of you, for taking care of my baby,” my mother laughed.

“He takes care of us,” Kai smiled at me, “he’s wonderful.”

“Oh, aren’t you so sweet? I like you already.”

“Thank you,” Kai laughed, his cheeks pink.

“It’s been a rough day, Ma. It’s not my place to go into details but I wanted to ask something of you.”

“What’s up, babe?”

“Can I bring the three of them for the holidays? I think… they could all use some time away from their lives.”

“Absolutely. I’ll tell Pa.”

“Make sure that the downstairs bedroom is set up for Juniper and Connor, please. Juni is in a wheelchair.”

“That’s your room though, Shi. Where will you sleep?”

“Is Isaac going to be there?” I clenched my jaw and Kai squeezed my hand.

“You don’t know? He’s in Vermont with Will now.”

“Of course I don’t know. I don’t talk to them.”

“They live there now. Don’t plan to come back.”

“Good. I’ll steal his room then. It’s bigger than mine anyway.”

“We’ll make sure everything is nice for you and I’ll box up the rest of the stuff you left here and put it in the shed. Oh, I am so excited. So much to do!”

“Christmas isn’t for 5 months, Ma calm down.”

“I can’t you know I love Christmas, it’s my birthday after all!”

“I know I know,” I laughed and looked at Kai who was smiling gently as he ate pistachios, “ah I hadn’t thought about that part. Kai is diabetic and Connor is allergic to pecans. So…”

“So I’ll make Kai’s food the same way I make Pa’s and we won’t make a pecan pie this year. Can you make that dutch apple you’re so good at?”

“Absolutely. I’ll start looking into flights.”

“Thank you. Okay! I have news to share and things to do so I’ll talk to you later. It was nice to talk to you, Juni, Kai, and Connor! I’ll see you at Christmas!”

“Bye, Mrs. Hartley!” Juniper called.

“Bye. I love you, Shi.”

“Love you too, Ma,” I smiled as I hung up.

“I’ve never felt such motherly love in my life,” Connor laughed from the kitchen, “and all we did was hear her on the phone.”

“She’s a fantastic woman,” I smiled at him over my shoulder.

“Does she work?” Kai closed his eyes, taking deep breaths.

“Never needed to. My Pa is a biology professor at Boise State. Their house belonged to my grandpa. He gave it to Pa when he passed. They simply saved up money for me and Isaac. Barely pay anything in bills. It’s nice. They own another house as well that’s sitting, waiting for me if I ever choose to move home.”

“Would you?”

“Not anytime soon.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want to leave you three behind.”

“I know. I just wanted to hear it. It feels nice.”

“You’re a dork,” I laughed, rubbing Kai’s side softly.

“You love it."

“Shut up… yes. I do.”

Connor brought Kai’s food over and I waited until he was done eating to head back to my apartment and gather things that I’d need, overpacking but wanting to be prepared. After taking my leg off and loading it into its bag, I grabbed my crutches and headed back to Kai’s house.

He was asleep on the couch when I got there, Juniper and Connor at the table eating and I set my things next to the stairs to the apartment before going over and lifting Kai’s head, laying it gently in my lap. He fidgeted a bit in his sleep before rolling and wrapping his arms around my waist.

“Shiloh,” he whispered before snoring, “so pretty.”

I snorted quietly and began to run my fingers through his hair.

“He’s been muttering in his sleep,” Juniper called quietly, “just your name. Over and over. Since the day we met you. I hear him in his room. He dreams about you. He’s always talked in his sleep.”

“It’s cute,” I smiled at her before looking back down at Kai, “he’s cute.”

“Thank you. I truly mean that. For coming into his life. He needed someone like you. We did our best but… god he needs you.”

“I know,” I rubbed Kai’s cheek softly, “I need him too.”

Connor and Juniper finished eating and after giving me hugs they headed back into her room. Grabbing the blanket from the back of the couch, I tucked Kai in and slowly slid out from under him, heading into the kitchen to raid his fridge for food. I had just made a sandwich and was eating on the deck in the back when he came walking out, wrapped in the blanket.

“You’re actually here,” he smiled, sitting next to me.

“I told you I’d come back,” I set my plate down and leaned against him, “did you sleep well?”

“Mhm. Do SSRIs make you that tired?”

“They can but you also had a traumatic day. Your brain needed the rest.”

“Shiloh… do I disgust you for… for what I’ve been doing to myself?”

“Of course not,” I answered immediately, “absolutely not.”

“That’s good to know. When’s the last time that you… that you did it?”

“Hm… 2 years ago now. When I realized that Will was cheating on me and everything came crashing down.”

“See… there’s something about that I don’t understand. Why would anyone give you up? Do anything that would make you leave? You’re incredible, Shi.”

“Because… because after 5 years I was never comfortable enough to touch him…” I whispered.

“Like hugs and stuff?”

“No. No… um…”

“Huh?” he looked at me confused before his eyes grew wide, “oh! Oh, gotcha. That’s dumb. He should have accepted that and waited until you were ready. You shouldn’t rush intimacy.”

“It’s not that I… didn’t want to. I just… I wasn’t attracted to him anymore.”

“That happens,” he rubbed the nape of my neck gently, “I had one girlfriend. Isla. She was sweet. We… fooled around a lot and it was nice but… but the longer it went on, the more I realized that I… was bisexual. So I told her and she left. I met a guy, messed around and that was nice. It was nice either way. But I didn’t enjoy the quickness of it all. I like connection. To feel something for the other person and I’ve never had that.”

“Me either,” I sighed.

“Shiloh. I don’t know what else to say after today but… thank you. For saving me. I’m going to do everything I can to heal. I might need your help for that though.”

“You don’t have to ask,” I smiled at him, “I was already going to be here and help.”

“Thank you,” he whispered, studying my face, “oh…”

“What is it?”

“I’m not in a good space to tell you right now,” he pressed our foreheads together, “it’s another thing that I’ll have to ask you to wait for.”

“I’m patient. I will wait as long as needed.”

“I know. But not forever. I promise.”

“Okay,” I placed a hand on the back of his head and gently ran my fingers down the nape of his neck, “I’ll be right here when you’re ready to share.”

“Thank you.”