(TW: Self Harm// Blood// Mental Health Concerns)

The next month passed in a blur as I worked in the coffee shop with Kai. I had passed everything I needed to be licensed as a baker, started working with Kai to create a menu, and tested what I made to ensure it matched the cafe. We made new signs, sent out advertisements, and gathered everything I needed to run the bakery itself. Juniper and Connor worked as my taste testers, Kai was unable to eat a majority of what I made, but I would always take the time to make him a special treat so he didn’t feel left out.

We had dinners together as the 4 of us every Sunday, spending time together and growing closer. It was lovely, always surrounded by warmth and laughter. William finally stopped harassing me after my father had a talk with him, and my life was finally exactly what I wanted.

It was the weekend that Kai was going to see Haru, and I had stopped by the cafe to deep clean. Kai had made me keys so that I was able to come and go as I pleased, knowing I would need to be there before him to start baking.

After unlocking the door, I made my way to the back and froze when I found Kai sitting at his desk, crying gently as he stared at the computer.

“Hey,” I squatted down, “hey what are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in Corvallis already.”

“Shi?” He hiccuped, not looking at me, “Shiloh…”

“I’m right here.”

“Oh Shiloh I… I made a mistake. I… what did I do to myself?”

“What do you-“ was all I managed to croak out before my eyes fell on his wrist and I realized he was pouring blood, “oh… oh Kai, why?” I quickly pulled my shirt off and wrapped it around his arm, grabbing my phone to call 911.

“Everything… just crashed in and…”

“It happens. It’s okay. I’m here,” the call connected finally and I breathed a small sigh of relief.

“911 what’s the location of your emergency?”

“Daily Grind Cafe. I need an ambulance.”

“Is it for you sir?”

“No. For a friend. It seems to be a self-harm injury. He’s conscious but slightly catatonic. He’ll answer questions and then slip back to sitting here. Please hurry.”

“Paramedics are around the corner. Will you be going with the patient?”

“Yes,” I answered immediately and Kai turned to look at me finally.

“Shiloh? What are you? When did you get here?” He whispered, staring at me wide-eyed.

“I’ve been here. I called an ambulance. I’m the only thing stopping you from bleeding out right now. Look only at me okay?” I could feel a tear roll down my cheek and I cleared my throat, “we’re going to get help. They should be here right now.”

“Okay,” he nodded, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I'm not upset with you. Just scared.”

The paramedics came in and took over and I grabbed a small sweater I kept behind the door, pulling it on as they put Kai onto a stretcher, properly securing his wrist. I grabbed everything he’d need as well as my bag and locked the cafe, following them to the ambulance.

We reached the hospital a few minutes later and they had me wait in a small room as they took Kai back to be examined. I kept staring at my blood-stained hands, my heart dropping as I realized that if I hadn’t been there when I was, Kai may not have been with us anymore.

“Sir?” A small voice called from behind me and I looked over my shoulder to find a doctor.

“Yes,” I jumped up and went over.

“My name is Dr. Mills. Can I ask you a few questions?”

“Of course. I’m Shiloh.”

“I know,” she laughed softly, leading me to a different private room, “Kai keeps talking about you. What exactly happened?”

“I’m not sure. He was supposed to be in Corvallis so I came to the cafe we own together to begin cleaning and preparing for the week. I found him sitting at his desk, staring blankly at the computer. I hadn’t noticed his wrist until I realized how out of it he was. He didn’t even notice I was there, even though he had talked to me. I almost wonder if he thought I was a figment of his imagination.”

“He not only got his arm, but his legs were also severely cut. There are quite a few that are old. But I’d say that the newer ones were simply to release how he’s feeling. I don’t think he was trying to kill himself, I think he’s unstable and believed this was the only way to release his pain.”

“He’s had a rough life, but it seems better now. On the upswing. But he is depressed. I’ve noticed it. Massively depressed. I am as well so I know the signs. I just don’t know how to help. I’ve only known him for a month and a half or so.”

“You don’t help. You support. That’s what you have to do. Listen when he needs it, don’t push how you think he’s feeling onto him. Simply ask how he feels. Invite him to one on one activities. Don’t take it personally if he rejects it. But getting him out, distracting him for a moment, it’ll help. We’re going to give him antidepressants and have him meet with a counselor. We don’t feel he needs to be on suicide watch, however. But he needs friends. He needs support.”

“He has me. His sister and her partner. That’s all. But it should be enough.”

“Validate how he feels without making it about you. Encourage him to stay on his medication. Positive reinforcement is key right now. Reminding him of the good things about him will help.”

“I’ll do my best,” I wiped a tear away with my sweater, “oh. I have blood on me.”

“There’s a small restroom next door. Go ahead and wash up and I’ll take you to him.”

“Thank you, Dr. Mills,” with a nod, I left the office and went to wash my hands, deciding to cry here rather than when I was in front of Kai.

He scared me half to death.

Why?

I just want him to be happy.

I met Dr. Mills outside of her office and she led me to a private hospital room where I found Kai laying in the bed, staring at his arm that was wrapped from his hand to his elbow. Dr. Mills let me in and quietly closed the door behind me and I slowly walked over, taking a seat in the chair next to the bed.

“Shiloh,” Kai hiccuped as he looked at me, his eyes welling with tears, “I am so sorry.”

“I’m not upset with you. Not in the slightest. I’m simply concerned. I knew,” getting to my feet, I pushed his hair from his forehead, tucking it gently behind his ear, “I knew you were struggling. That you are. It’s okay, ya know? I understand.”

“How can you?”

Sighing softly, I pulled my sweater up and showed him my right side. From my armpit to my hip I was entirely covered in self-harm scars, “I understand.”

“Shiloh…”

“It’s not about me,” putting my shirt down, I sat on the side of his bed, “I’m here for you. To support you. I just don’t understand, Kai. You weren’t even supposed to be at the cafe.”

“Haru called me. Told me he’ll mail the paperwork instead. That… that what I was needed for won’t matter because I’m not… fully Japanese. He wanted me to marry some woman and bring her into the family. That I would be able to access all of the funds that were left to me if I married her and moved to Niigata. Leaving Juniper behind. I was going to reject it, tell him I don’t want his money. Until he told me I wasn’t necessary. I’m a mistake, a fuck up, a disgrace. He’s embarrassed to share blood with a criminal. It… killed me. I don’t care about Haru, but I worked so hard to change Shiloh. And it felt like he was spitting on all the work I did. I lost sight of… everything. How hard I’ve worked for the life I have now. How much I’ve done for Juniper. I just… I’m no one. I have no identity. I can’t escape my past. It keeps coming back to me. Choking me, pulling me down until… until I can’t breathe. Trying to pull myself out of it feels like swimming through peanut butter. No matter how much I fight, I can’t escape. I can’t breathe. Haru is sending me what we originally agreed on, as well as the part of the estate I’m owed legally. He can’t get around it. But he had to throw a few more digs in about how disgusting I am. How filthy. It… I already know. I don’t need him to remind me.”

My throat clenched as I listened to him being truly and honestly open with me about how life felt for him. Kai was drowning, searching for a lifeline and never finding one, slipping further into his pain as the days went by.

“Shiloh,” he whispered, “Shiloh how do I figure out who I am? I don’t fit in here. It’s so loud. Crashingly loud. Overwhelming. I have very little peace. I love my cafe, but it’s so busy, so difficult. I’m so lost. I don’t… want to be in Oregon anymore. I don’t know what to do. Save me.”

“I can’t save you,” I wiped a tear from his cheek, ignoring my own, “but I’ll be here as you save yourself. Every step of the way. I won’t abandon you, Kai. I’m here. We can figure it out together okay? Me and you. We have to find some way for you to channel your feelings that isn’t this. Hurting yourself. We have all the time in the world to figure that out. Our first step, getting you whole again. Then, we figure out the cafe and what you want to do. I support whatever choice you make, okay? I’m not going to abandon you. We will figure it out together. I swear it. In a way that doesn’t leave you dependent on me. But that doesn’t mean I’m not here. You’ve been alone so long. Even with Juniper, I understand still feeling alone. I see you, Kai. I see you.”

He started to cry and buried his face in my chest and I nuzzled the top of his head softly, wrapping him in a tight hug, “tell me again.”

“I see you. For who you are. Not who you want everyone to think you are. I see you, Kai,” I whispered softly, “so fragile but beautiful. You have an amazing, gentle heart. You’re such a wonderful person. Everyone is flawed. No one is perfect. Perfection is boring. Embrace your quirks, your flaws. Stop shoving them down. Hiding them. You’re so silly. Caring. But you want to appear as this mature adult because you’ve never had the chance to be childish. You can still be an adult and collect your stuffed animals. I’ve seen them. You hide them in the hall closet because you don’t want anyone to know that big, tough Kai has a love of tiny plush cows. It’s cute. You love to color but you don’t let anyone see the coloring books you hide in the desk at the cafe. But I’ve seen them. You leave things in places you know I’ll find because you want me to know you even if you don’t realize that yet. You’re so scared I won’t like what I see. But do you want to know something?”

“Yes,” he sniffled.

“I like what I see. Even the Kai sitting in a hospital bed right now, broken and confused, I like him too. You don’t have to hide from me. I have my own quirks too. I knit. Collect small stuffed farm animals or make them myself. I sing terribly to my favorite songs. We’re both a bit off and that’s fine. That makes us interesting. You do know who you are but you’ve shoved the real you so far down that he doesn’t know how to come out anymore. So let’s figure that out together,” I pressed my forehead to his and closed my eyes, “let’s bring Kai back.”

He placed his hand on the back of my head and kept crying softly, wrapping his fingers in my hair, “I don’t deserve a friend like you.”

“Yes you do,” I laughed softly, holding his other hand, “you are worth so much more than you can see right now. But the rest of us see it. Juniper and Connor see it as well as I do. You’re worth so much, Kai, and if I could give you the ability to see that, I would. But you have to find it yourself. But that doesn’t mean you have to do it alone okay? I promise.”

“I didn’t… think about how Juniper will react. I should hide it…”

“No,” I opened my eyes and leaned back quickly, “no you shouldn’t. She needs to know that you’re struggling this much. She told me, ya know? The day we met. That you’re doing worse than you let on. She sees it, Kai. She’s 20. Not a child. You can depend on her as the adult she is now. You need to be open and honest and I will sit right there, holding your hand as you do. I’m never going to make you face this alone unless you ask me to go away.”

“I couldn’t do that,” he whispered softly, touching my jawline, “I’d be a shadow if you disappeared. You’re the only one who sees my heart. The first person who has managed to. I’m trying to break down the walls between us. It’s hard. So hard to be open anymore. Terrifying.”

“We take it day by day. One step at a time. Until you show me all those beautiful, jagged pieces of you. Nothing will scare me away. I’m your best friend and you’re mine. I swear.”

“Hey… can I ask a favor?”

“Anything.”

“When it’s the holidays… can we go to your hometown? I want to meet the people who could have raised such a wonderful person.”

“Sure. You, me, Juni, and Connor can all go. But my brother will probably be there with William.”

“I’ll protect you,” he softly rubbed my arm, “just as you protected me from making the biggest mistake of my life.”

“That’s what friends do,” I smiled, “I’m here. I promise.”

“I know.”

Kai and I sat in silence, holding hands as he played with my hair. The doctor released him an hour later, making him sign an agreement to meet with a counselor and begin SSRIs. He was hesitant until I pulled my own bottle of antidepressants from my bag and showed him that I meant what I said. He wasn’t alone. I called a ride to the cafe and we picked up my car so that I could take us to Kai’s house. I realized then that the reason I had failed to notice him being at the shop was due to his van being parked in the driveway.

“Kai… did you walk across town?”

“I couldn’t tell you. I was in a fugue state. I don’t remember leaving the house. The first thing I remember from today was you squatting down next to me shirtless,” he sighed, chewing his lip, “I have no idea where my phone is, my wallet, any of it.”

“I have all of it. You seemed to have grabbed it. Are you ready to go in?”

“No.”

“Okay. Then we will sit here until you are.”

“Really?” he looked at me surprised.

“I told you,” reaching over, I took his hand, carefully tracing the lines of his palm, “I won’t push you to do anything, Kai. I am simply here as support.”

“I’m probably going to cry,” he whispered, watching my fingers.

“I know. I think you need to. It’s all built up. Time to let it go.”

“Will… um… will you stay here tonight? In the apartment. I… I know that… I’m just scared and need…”

“I will go home and grab what I need after we get you inside with Juniper and Connor. I will stay as many days as you need. My apartment sucks anyway. You have a nice house.”

“You could live here. Rent the apartment from me,” he tilted his head to smile at me.

“I’ll think about it. For now… we need to find Kai, remember? We promised.”

“I know. Thank you, Shiloh. For being here. I will never do this again.”

“I believe you.”