After cleaning up from dessert, Juniper and Connor went off to her room, wanting to spend time together after being apart for a long time. Kai and I headed onto the small cement deck he had in the backyard, his yard small but beautiful. Along the fence line were lavender and rosemary bushes, large bushes with flowers I couldn’t recognize at either corner of the fence.

“What are those?” I pointed to the strange bushes as we sat on the outdoor couch.

“Witch hazel,” Kai smiled, “they’re strange looking, that's why I like them.”

“They’re definitely unique. You have so much lavender and rosemary. I could make infused honey and butter. I’m jealous.”

“I’ll cut you whatever you want for that,” he patted my arm, “I was curious about something. Do you only have one brother?”

“Ah. Technically yes. But we did have a little sister. Her name was Penny. She was stillborn. It broke my mom's heart. After that, my parents never tried again.”

“Oh, I… I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I shook my head, “she’d be the same age as Juniper actually. I was 2.”

“I have an older brother,” Kai whispered, looking tense.

“You don’t have to tell me.”

“I know. I want to.”

“If you’re sure.”

“Haru is 10 years older than me. My father was married when he met our mother. Juni and I are a product of that affair. The payments I get for insulin? Hush money. So I don’t ruin my father's reputation by showing up. He was important to the political landscape in Niigata. That’s all I know. He never once cared about us, simply paid my mom to keep me a secret. But he couldn’t stay away. So 5 years later, Juni was born. He refused to leave his wife so my mom left Japan and came back to Boston.”

“That… what the hell? That’s horrible! He should have to own up to what he did. Care for his children…”

“Some men are incapable of that. Juni doesn’t know. My mother told her that our father died when we were little and I just… didn’t have the heart to change that. It’s not her burden to bear.”

“But it’s not yours either, Kai. You didn’t ask to be born that way. The choices of our parents aren’t our burden to bear. Your mother did the best she could. I understand protecting your sister, but Juniper isn’t stupid. I’m not telling you to tell her, that would be shocking. But you shouldn’t bear the pain alone.”

“I know,” he sniffled, “sorry. I’m ruining your birthday party. I just want you to know me more. To understand me. The reason I’m shutting down the shop for a weekend to go to Corvallis is to see Haru. Our father died. A few months ago. I have to sign paperwork agreeing that Juni and I won’t go for any of the estate that was left behind as long as Haru continues to pay for my insulin. He agreed to my terms. I want nothing from my father or anything to do with that part of my family. They don’t know I exist. Only Haru does and that’s because he had to find us to settle the estate for his mother. She had no idea. Or maybe she does and doesn’t care. I don’t know.”

“Does your mom know?” I whispered, squeezing my leg.

“She couldn’t. She’s dead,” his tone was harsh and I looked at him, my eyes growing wide.

“W… what?”

“You wanted to know why I had custody of Juni until she was 18. Our mom…” he sighed, closing his eyes, “I loved her and there is nothing wrong with this in the slightest. It’s valid but she was a sex worker. That’s how she met my dad. That’s how she cared for me and Juni. Worked at a restaurant during the day though. I adored her, she was a fantastic mom and I don't blame her. She did what she had to do. But losing her, suddenly just alone with Juniper… it was hard. But I place no blame on her.”

“Can I… ask? How did she pass?”

“I have no idea. The police came to the door and said she was found dead. I was given no information. That was it. So I did what I had to do for Juni. I wasn’t a good person, Shi. I stole food. Hell, I should have a record for robbing a store just to get her socks and shirts. They decided not to prosecute me when I told them why I was doing it. She had to stay at the after-school program until the very last minute just so I could work to make sure we didn’t lose the house. But I never stopped going to school. Never stopped pushing to make a good life for her. The world crashed in on us and I had to shield her from that. She’d gone through so much at that point and I couldn’t let anything else hurt her. Even at the expense of myself. I made a lot of mistakes, did so much bad stuff just to keep her happy and fed. I did it all without complaint. I sold drugs for a while, but I had to get us out of Boston. So I sold that house and with a little bit of blackmail against my dad, I bought this one. Changed everything for us. Once she was in high school, I was able to work constantly. I’d go to my classes, then work at a coffee shop before spending the evenings working at a grocery store as a stocker. I barely saw her. But I would go to every event, every little thing she needed me for. My old boss gave me the van so I could get her around easier. I wasn’t a good person for so long, Shiloh. But I’m doing my best to fix that now. To own up to my mistakes.”

“You did what you had to do,” I stared at the lavender bushes, “I won’t judge you for that. You don’t deserve judgment. Yes, stealing is wrong. So is drug dealing. But you weren’t doing it for selfish reasons. You were trying to take care of your sister. You did what you thought was necessary. I can’t say I relate, the worst I’ve done is kick the shit out of my brother. But I have enough empathy to understand. You’re gentle, Kai. You’re a good man even if you made mistakes, they weren’t selfish. I'm sorry you had to do so much, go through so much, but I'm happy you’re through that. I'm also sorry you have to see Haru. That can’t be easy on you.”

“It’s not,” he wiped his eyes and laid his head on my shoulder, “I wish he could just send me the paperwork so I can sign it.”

“Why can’t he?” I slowly started rubbing his arm, trying to comfort him.

“Because he has something he needs from me in person for whatever reason. Promised me it’s nothing bad so I’ll deal with it and come home. Finally, wipe my hands of all that.”

“Something’s been bothering me. You own a business. I’m guessing you have health insurance. You’d have to. Why do you have to take the payments for insulin? Shouldn’t that cover it?”

“To a point,” he nodded, “I use 3 vials a month to stay stable. That’s over 500 dollars every month for the rest of my life. Insurance covers one. They pay 187. I have to make up the rest.”

“I… suppose I can understand. I have to replace my leg every 5 years. At least 4 thousand every time. I’ve spent 8 thousand dollars at this point. I could get a cheaper one, cheaper mechanics, and I know that. But I won’t. I need something that won’t cause me pain, that allows me to feel the ground so I know if it’s unstable. But I also use the wheelchair specifically so I don’t wear it down.”

“That’s so much money… we’re expensive. All of us,” he laughed sadly.

“We live in a country that isn’t prepared to help us. That just wants our money. That’s what the issue is.”

“I’d leave Oregon if I didn’t have Juni. I lied before. I only stay here for her,” he whispered.

“Yeah? Where would you go?”

“I’ve been researching a lot. The best place for insurance and care for my health. Funny enough, I already know someone from there.”

“Yeah? Who?”

“You,” he smiled up at me, “Idaho is one of the few states that I can get Medicare that will cover everything. I’d pay very little.”

“Oh how funny… that does make sense. My parents never struggled with my prosthetic needs because of state insurance.”

“But I can’t leave Juniper… not yet. I have to make sure she’ll be cared for, that she’ll be okay without me.”

“You should have a talk with her. Figure out what you want from life. She’s an adult now. A wonderful woman. I know how much she loves you, but I don’t think she’s going to want to live with you forever.”

“I know. She tells me all the time.”

“When you’re ready, have a sit down with your sister, figure out what you both want. You’re allowed to live your life, Kai. Always. That doesn’t mean you have to stop caring for Juni. Who knows? Maybe when she graduates she’ll follow you wherever you want to go. She could also marry Connor and stay with him. You don’t know. You can’t know because it hasn’t happened yet. But that doesn’t mean you have to freeze in time. I know you sacrificed everything all alone for her. But you don’t have to do that anymore. Watch. She’ll graduate, get a great job, and start truly living her life. Why can’t you?”

“Because I’ve never been allowed to try and live my life,” he whispered, “I barely know who I am as a person, Shiloh.”

“Wanna find out?” I smiled at him, “you’re 25, Kai! You’re barely an adult yourself and look at what you’ve accomplished. You raised a teenager into a fucking incredible human being. You own a house and a coffee shop. You did that. It wasn’t handed to you. You’ve done so well. But you’re frozen. I see it in the way you smile. They aren’t always real. I’ve seen you smile truly 3 times in the small amount of time I’ve known you. The rest are simply to put up a wall between you and everyone around you. And guess what? There’s nothing wrong with that. You’re a little broken right now that’s all. But it’s time to start living for you. Not for Juniper. You’ve only lived for her since you were a kid. I’m not saying drastic changes, but what’s something you’ve always wanted to do and never got the chance to?”

“Camping.”

“That’s easy! I used to go all the time in Idaho. I even have all my gear back at my apartment. I can take you when the weather warms up a bit. We only have to go for one night and we won't go too far. Connor can stay with Juni so you don’t have to worry.”

“You’d do that for me?” He looked at me surprised.

“Duh. It’s so much simpler than what you’re doing for me. So one of these Saturdays, maybe 2 months from now, we head out immediately after work, have a nice camping trip, and come back Sunday afternoon or evening. I promise it’ll be fun!”

“I’d like that,” Kai smiled finally, a true, welcoming smile, “I can’t hike very far though. Not with my back.”

“We won’t have to. We’ll go to Belknap Springs. It’s only an hour away, we can make sure we camp somewhere easy. I have to think about those kinds of things with my leg. It seems like we need similar accommodations, that's all.”

“Right. I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry by the way. I didn’t mean for things to get so heavy today.”

“I appreciate you being comfortable enough to share something like that with me, that’s all,” I smiled at him.

“You’re the first person I’ve shared that with. You’re trustworthy and I had… a feeling you wouldn’t judge me.”

“Of course not. I’m also not disappointed in you. I know things were rough, but they won’t be anymore. Just one more thing to deal with and everything will be okay.”

“Everything will be okay,” he whispered softly.

We fell into a comfortable silence, watching the stars come out, simply enjoying sitting together. Kai kept looking at me, clearly wanting to say something but stopping and I finally poked his arm.

“What is it?”

“I… wanted to surprise you. The paperwork all came through. Juni has been working so hard. We found everything we need for the bakery and your licenses. They’re so easy. We can handle it all tomorrow morning. You should be able to figure it out on your own, you’re smart, but Juniper is going to come in tomorrow to help you figure everything out. It only takes a week or so to process once you’re done. We also… have everything prepared for you to be co-owner. We both have to agree that if we go our separate ways, I won’t take any of your recipes for my own, and you won’t take more than you’re owed from me. Does that sound good?”

“Yes. Oh, that sounds amazing! Thank you, Kai,” I threw my arms around him, hugging him tightly, “you’re the best!”

Kai stuttered for a moment before hugging me back, “I’m just trying to make things easier for all of us…”

“That doesn’t mean it isn’t sweet.”

“Well… it’s all I can do for your birthday this year. I hope that’s okay.”

“You didn’t have to do anything for me. But thank you,” I laid my head on his shoulder.

“You’re welcome.”

Kai rested his head on top of mine and I sat there smiling, grateful to have a wonderful friend like Kai.

“Hey, Shi?”

“Hm?”

“Can I… um… no. Not yet,” Kai cleared his throat.

“What is it?”

“Let me handle things with Haru then I’ll ask okay? I want to know you better too. Why you get that sad look in your eyes when you’re alone. You seem like the happiest person in the world and then I’ll peek my head in and find you staring at the computer, your eyes full of tears as you zone out. You hide it so fast. I attribute it to Will but… I’m wondering if there’s something else. But just like you won’t push me, I won’t push you.”

“Give me some time. I’m… I’ll share when I’m ready,” I sighed softly.

“Whenever that is, I’ll be here.”

“I know.”

We sat there for a bit longer before Connor poked his head out of the back door.

“Kai. Favorite big brother. Only big brother.”

“Yes, you can stay over. Yes, you can take the vodka in the freezer. Just make sure Juni does everything she needs before bed,” Kai smiled, tilting his head back to look at Connor, “you literally don’t have to ask to stay. Just the vodka. You’re both nearly 21 just don’t leave the house okay?”

“Thanks bro!” Connor laughed and ran back inside.

“He drives me crazy but he loves Juni so purely I can’t take that from her,” Kai whispered in my ear.

“You’re such a good brother I swear,” I laughed.

“I appreciate the thought,” he laughed again before yawning.

“Sleepy Kai has made his daily appearance,” I gently poked him in the side before I yawned as well.

“As has sleepy Shi. Are you going to be able to get to your apartment okay?”

“I hope so.”

“You… you could stay here. In that apartment downstairs…”

“It’s not a good idea,” I shook my head, sitting up, “I didn’t bring my medication or anything and I have to take it before bed or I’m up all hours of the night.”

“Right. Sorry, I just…”

“I like spending time with you too. But I’ll see you tomorrow. We can have another dinner next weekend or something. It’s okay.”

“You’re right. You’re so smart I swear.”

“So are you, stop doubting yourself,” I got to my feet carefully, stretching and holding my hand out, “come on. Walk me to the door.”

Kai blushed and took my hand and we headed inside. He refused to let go as I grabbed my backpack and walked me to the door, rubbing my hand gently with his thumb.

“Let me know when you’re home,” he smiled, studying my face.

“I always do,” I squeezed his hand softly.

“I know,” he took a small breath and hugged me tightly before pressing a gentle kiss to the top of my head, “goodnight, Shiloh,” he whispered softly.

“Goodnight, Kai,” my cheeks were warm as I pulled away from him and I headed to my car, looking at him over my shoulder a few times before I climbed in and left.

He kissed me.

Wow.

I wonder why?