It has been a few days since that incident in the break room. Things at work—thankfully—haven’t gotten awkward as I worried previously. Since Kayden and I are busy working on our own project, we don’t have any chances to stop and chat with each other (Not like we have had casual conversation before). Other than that, work has been surprisingly peaceful and it’s a relief for me.

I’m currently working on another book cover design. I have been getting a lot of these projects as of lately. The client has approved my initial sketch this morning (after many trials and errors), so I can finally proceed to the next step. I begin to do some light stretching on my desk before wearing my wrist guard. Unfortunately, I’ve forgotten to bring my headphones with me. I usually work better if I can block the sound of my surroundings, but it’s not like I can do anything about it now. I might need to set a reminder on my phone next time so I don’t forget again.

I turn on my tablet monitor, open Adobe Photoshop and create a new file. I take my tablet pen and start to sketch on the blank canvas. It doesn’t take long for me to be immersed in my work. The squiggly lines I made are beginning to form a shape, then…

“Have you heard? There’s a new hire joining our team today!”

My hand comes to a halt. After hearing those words, I can’t seem to focus anymore due to curiosity. I don’t want to make it obvious that I’m eavesdropping, so I pretend to be focusing on my canvas as I sneak a glance over my monitor. The conversation seems to be coming from a few desks away from me—which is around Kayden’s desk.

“I wonder what they look like. I hope they’re nice!” Nadine Rosario says in a chipper voice.

Nadine, one of the junior graphic designers of our team. We rarely work on projects together, but we’re at least civil with each other. She’s a bit shorter than me with golden beige skin, her muscles abound, her biceps and thigh muscles are visible through her usual attire of hoodie and jeans.

“I’m not aware of it. Where did you hear it from?” Amani Shelton asks, his eyes are still focused on his tablet monitor.

Amani is a senior graphic designer, just like me, with a few more years of experience under his belt. He’s tall and skinny with rich brown melanin skin. His jet-black hair is styled in a fade buzz-cut and his face adorns with a short boxed beard. He often wears a flannel shirt on top of a white T-shirt along with jeans and a beanie.

“Dolores told me a few days ago,” Nadine answers, sweeping her black red ombre straight hair into a ponytail. “She’s planning a welcome party for the new hire, so she asked me for restaurant recommendations to host the party.”

Amani places down his tablet pen on the table as he turns to face Nadine. “I guess it has been two months since Safiya left the team. As long as they’re responsible and do their work, I won’t have any complaints.”

Safiya…

I glance at the empty desk beside me where Safiya used to sit. Two months… has it been that long already?

Safiya Anand was a co-worker who entered the company at the same time as me. Because we were both new hires and close in age, we naturally became close and I considered her a friend—although I don’t know if she thinks the same. She decided to leave the company to pursue her dream of becoming a children books author.

We still chat through social media, but not often. I don’t think it will take long before we lose contact completely, and maybe that’s a good thing. After all, who wants to stay friends with someone like me?

“So, which restaurant do you recommend to hold the party?” Amani asks, curious.

“A Korean BBQ restaurant a few blocks from here,” Nadine answers.  “I was going to recommend this Filipino restaurant I used to frequent, but they’re fully booked on that day.”

“Then, let’s hang out this weekend!” Kayden suddenly chimes into their conversation from his desk. His blue eyes gleam in excitement. “A new movie from my fave director just came out this week. We could go watch that, then have dinner at the Filipino restaurant. What do you guys think?”

Nadine smiles widely. “That’s a good idea! It has been a while since we last hung out on the weekend because of the busy season. I’m in!” She turns to Amani. “What about you? You in?”

Amani strokes his beard, thinking. “Hmmm… I’m planning to just stay home during the weekend, but I’m in the mood to try Filipino cuisine. So, I’m in!”

“Alright!” Kayden throws a fist to the air. “We’ll talk about the details later. I have to prepare my best suit to wear for the movies.”

Nadine snorts, holding in her laughter. “Are you trying to impress the movie or something? I’m sure your current outfit is good enough for it.” She points at Kayden’s clothes, which are a black graphic tee and brown chino pants. 

“Hey! I need to show my respect and love to my favorite director’s work, you know. That’s just how I am,” Kayden says with confidence.

“That’s a bit over the top, but you do you I guess,” Amani chuckles.

Their friendly chatters continue even when they’re focusing back on their work. This scene is a pretty normal thing between them. Amani and Nadine have always been good friends both on and off work, then Kayden joins in and the three of them become a tight-knit friend group. Whenever I see them having their usual banter, I can’t help but feel a bit envious of their friendship and I’m aware I don’t have the right to feel that way.

I have never put any effort to befriend anyone at the office and always keep them at arm's length. I plan to keep it that way. That’s probably selfishness on my part. I’m afraid for them to learn my ugly side which I have kept hidden all my life. A part of me that even myself finds it vile, yet I’m still here. Alive. I have no doubt the office morals would turn for the better once they can get rid of my gloomy self.

That’s just a fact.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

A familiar knock on my desk breaks me from my intrusive thoughts. I quickly turn my attention towards Dolores who’s standing beside my desk, her expression is stoic as usual.

“Soren, can you meet me at my office right now? I have something I would like to discuss with you.” Dolores makes a gesture to follow her and I immediately comply. I make sure to save my work file first before leaving my desk.

Dolores opens the door as she enters her private office and I follow suit. I promptly close the door behind me. She arranges her desk a little before turning to face me and sits on top of it. For a while, there is a deafening silence in the room as our eyes meet each other. Dolores’s expression is hard to read and I try my best not to look away—even though I want to. I fidget nervously on my spot, waiting patiently for Dolores to break the ice.

“I’m sure you’re aware that a new hire is coming today,” she finally speaks. I breathe a sigh of relief before nodding my head. "I have been discussing it with the other creative directors and we've finally come to a decision. The reason I brought you here is to tell you about it.”

“Okay…?” I reply, not sure where this conversation is going.

“Starting today, you will be in charge of training the new hire."

Silence.

My eyes widen in shock. I’m almost going to blurt ‘Are you kidding me?!’ out loud, but I bite my tongue. I stare at Dolores’s unchanging demeanor. She’s not the type to joke around, so I know she’s serious about every word and it’s devastating.

“...Why me?”

“Well, you’re one of our senior designers with almost a decade of experience and we think you’re ready to train the new hire.” Dolores continues. “Amani has many things on his plate right now since he’s in charge of an important client’s work.”

That makes sense. Other than Amani, I’m the second senior graphic designer with the longest working experience while others are just about to enter their fifth or sixth year. However, does it really have to be me? I’ve never taught anyone in my life. I don’t even talk much with my co-workers, how are they expecting me to talk to a total stranger without humiliating myself? Just thinking about it, I already feel my heart beat faster than normal and my palms begin to damp with sweat.

What should I do? There’s no way I can refuse an order from my superior. What if they think I’m being selfish and incompetent? Will they dismiss me because of this? Dolores is going to be disappointed in me. I really do bring only trouble to this team.

“Soren, you don’t need to take this task if you don’t want to.”

Dolores’s words snap me out of my thoughts. I look at her, a bit taken aback when I see a genuine concern in her usual stoic expression.

Dolores clears her throat. “Please don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not doubting your skills and I do believe you’re fit for the task. At the same time, I don’t want to pressure you to do something you’re uncomfortable with.” She pauses for a moment. I can feel the sincerity in her voice. “I am your superior, but it’s also my duty to look after my employees as well. I hope you’ll remember that.”

Again, even in a situation like this, Dolores is prioritizing the comfort and well being of her workers. I have always respected her way before she got promoted to creative director. She was also the one in charge of my training when I first joined the company. She’s kind, patient, and compassionate; I admit that she’s my role model of a person that I want to be one day. That’s probably why the thought of disappointing her frightens me.

I need to say something. Anything. Now.

“Don’t worry about it too much. I’ll make sure to explain to them that you’re not ready yet and to recommend someone else instead—”

“I’ll do it!” I accidentally raise my voice, surprising both Dolores and myself. After taking a few seconds to compose myself, I continue. “I will train the new hire. It’s a bit out of my comfort zone, but I want to try!”

She doesn’t directly say it, but there’s doubtfulness in her gaze.

“Are you sure?” she asks.

I give her a slow nod.

Dolores lets out a long sigh, standing up from her desk, then approaches me. She puts one hand on my shoulder and pats it. “If that’s your decision, I won’t stop you. Just remember, if you need any help, you can always find me in my office.”

I give her an appreciative smile before nodding my head again. “I’ll do my best.”

Even though it is a hasty choice in the heat of the moment, it’s not entirely a lie. I want to be better, so I don’t become a nuisance to the people around me and maybe… just maybe…

My coworkers might change their opinion about me if I prove my worth—even if it’s just a little.

It's wishful thinking, but one can hope, right?