Friday: December 3rd, 2015

On the third day of Christmas, I woke to a quiet house. Glancing at the clock, I noticed it was 8am, meaning everyone had left for work and daycare. After a slow start of showering, having some breakfast, and a cup of coffee, I ticked off my first task of the day by calling my mum.

"Zara?" was the first thing she said, voice ecstatic.

"Hi mum," I replied.

"Oh honey! Tell me everything so far. How was your flight? What was it like meeting them? How is your heart? Did London change much?"

"Whoa, whoa... one question at a time mum!"

"You're right... how was the flight?"

And so I began answering one question at a time, all pretty uneventful until we got to her final one.

"Are you getting along with them okay?"

Heaving a sigh, I said, "Who knows. They kind of all just went to bed last night after dinner so the interaction was brief." I didn't want to tell her that Amelia was warming on me and that Clare had given me no reason to hate her.

Mum and I had both been furious the moment dad told us he was seeing someone—someone with a kid at that. Mum and dad had separated as a result of me. Because I no longer relied on them as much for attention as Jasper and I hung out all the time instead, the final two years of us living together saw them unable to navigate a relationship without kids involved. So what does dad do? First relationship afterwards, he finds someone with a child... and now has another of his own.

So telling mum that I might like Clare... it felt like the ultimate betrayal. Because no matter how kind she was, I was still furious that this family was our replacement. 

Thankfully, mum accepted my brief response. Though I knew I'd have to dig deep over the coming days for reasons to dislike Clare... ones that would be enough to tell mum so that she knows I miss her and that she'd always be the number one in my heart.

After hanging up my call with mum, I ran up to my room and opened my laptop, ready for the video call that was bound to be painful.

I had mostly been avoiding Jojo and Ria's messages that had come through while I had been on the plane. Apparently Rowan had already changed his relationship status to dating Sarah, and considering I was in a state of denial for most of my final hours in Australia... well... I didn't let my best friends know.

But when Ria sent me a message last night that Jojo had gone to Rowan's house...

Ria was already waiting in the chatroom when I called, filling me in on as much as she could. But the moment Jojo's face popped up on my screen, I interrupted Ria mid-speech to say, "Did you seriously threaten to throw your rocks at Rowan?"

"Of course I did," Jojo replied proudly, lifting her chin defensively. "He hurt my friend and for a second I was convinced he didn't even have the decency to break up with you. Because I was sure you would tell us if that happened." Her eyes narrowed at me and I could feel the scrutiny in her glare even through the screen.

I turned my gaze downwards. "Sorry... I was mostly in shock and then I was on a plane..."

"It's okay, Zar," Ria said softly. "Jojo isn't the one who gets to be upset here."

"So what exactly did you do to him, Jojo?" I asked, cocking my head to the side.

"Well... the idiot didn't even unfriend us or anything. So I saw the relationship status change and I marched straight over to his house. Knocked on his door, then said 'Rowan, it's time you meet George and Joaquin.'"

I couldn't help the giggle escaping my mouth. "And what did he say?"

"He went all wide-eyed and backed away from me while asking why I wanted to throw rocks at him. And then we ended up talking it out and he said you two had broken up before he got with Sarah."

Biting my lip, I prepared for those words to bring on the water works. But thankfully my eyes didn't sting and my heart barely throbbed this time. Maybe it was because of Jojo's ridiculous story still warming me through. Or maybe I was already processing my grief.

As if reading my thoughts, Ria said, "How are you fairing, Zar?"

"I'm... okay. I mean, I was a wreck the whole flight. The other passengers couldn't stand my sobbing. At one point, I just picked a random romance movie to pretend I was crying over it but..." I sighed and shook my head. "Being here is a distraction. Being so far away from him and all the places that could spark memories kind of makes it a little easier. That plus my new family I'm dealing with... it's easy to find ways to not think about him."

"That's good," she said softly in response, a warm smile slipping onto her face.

But then I turned on Jojo. "You know, you can't be threatening minors with violence. You're almost an adult."

"I have two more months until I turn eighteen. So until then, I will abuse every single child privilege I have, thank you very much. Anyway, what are you doing today?"

"First, I need to dye my hair. It's time the pink goes."

"Agreed," Jojo replied, knowing that I had kept the colour so long for him. Normally, I dyed my hair once a month. But considering the pink hair was what had Rowan notice me, I didn't change it at all, only refreshing the pink instead when it began to fade.

"And then... Well... Dad suggested I should visit my old high school. I was kind of against it at first. I left a lot of bad memories behind there. But I'm curious to see if I'm stronger now to let them go. And also to see if anything seems to have changed in my old neighbourhood."

"That could be fun," Ria said. "Take a photo for us. We'd love to see some of the places you used to hang out."

We then changed the topic from me to them. Jojo discussed her holiday plans with her brother, her mother, and the twins. Ria talked about the TAFE course she had decided to enrol in next year. Jojo complained about all the textbooks she was going to have to buy for her engineering classes.

∘◦ ❈ ◦∘ 

Looking up at the brick structure, a place that used to seem so daunting now just looked like any building in the vicinity. With its red masonry and tall windows, only the signage that labeled it a school set it apart from the other office buildings down the street.

The front steps that used to harbour an equal amount of painful and promising memories now were now just steps. They were no longer the place that Penny pushed me down as she barged past me after dubbing me a 'dork' and a 'teacher's pet'. They were no longer the place I sat every morning waiting for Jasper to turn up so I didn't have to go inside alone.

This street where I used to walk alone to school, biting my nails and on the verge of puking from anxiety, was just a collection of asphalt. It was no longer the street where Jasper and I used to sprint down after he had seen Penny push me into a wall in hallways, grabbing my hand and whispering in my ear to run with him.

Jasper Sun. I wonder if he still went to this school. If he ever passed by it and wondered how I was. If he ever thought about me.

After looking over the building and knowing that even the memories I thought would haunt me forever were shoved away in a drawer, replaced by the other traumatising events that unfolded in my final weeks at home, I turned away from my old school and began to make my trek back to dad's.

The power of past pain no longer affected me, and for that I was grateful. Because it meant what I felt with Rowan, how I felt about dad, would maybe pass too. But for now, I just had to deal with it.

As I placed one foot in front of the other, in no rush to get home, I wondered what Penny was like these days. Did she still pick on those who did better than her in school just because she struggled with her spelling? Or did she finally get help for her dyslexia? Would she even recognise me if I ran into her in the streets? Would she remember the things she used to do to me?

A part of me regretted that I hadn't kept in touch with everyone. Because maybe now I could show them what they had done to me made me stronger. That now I had two amazing friends and a loving mother. That I had dated one of the most liked guys in the school (leaving out the part that I was just the last on his list). That I could try hard at my school work and still have fun.

But the moment that last thought popped into my head, his words rang right afterwards.

We never go anywhere, Zar.

I want something new.

Maybe if you had a car and we could go places...

Who was I kidding that I could show off to someone like Penny now. I may have attracted Rowan in the first place, but I had no hope in keeping him. I was too boring to get a guy like him to stay. Penny would have just laughed at me and called me a fool for thinking I stood a chance.

I sat down on the bench as I waited for my tube to arrive, looking over at the people on the other side of the platform, searching for some form of amusement or distraction.

My eyes landed on a boy. His uniform peeked out from underneath his jacket. His jet black hair ran a little long—seemingly in need of a trim as it poked into his eyes. His obsidian gaze curiously met mine across the way, head cocking to the side.

I should have looked away. Normally when you stare at a stranger and they catch you, you're supposed to do your best to pretend you weren't gawking.

But something about the handsome school boy kept my eyes fixated on him, my own head tilting as I looked at him.

Something about him seemed... familiar.

And as my eyes looked over the length of his body and I slowly leaned in my seat as though it would help me see his face better, I finally saw what I was looking for in a glimmer of his eyes. Aged down, puffy cheeks, chubby stomach... It was Jasper.

The tube on the other side of the platform rushed passed as I got to my feet, blocking my view of him.

Frantically, I waited as I watched the tube, hoping I'd see him get on. That I could glimpse him again and give him a brief wave.

But I couldn't see him in the masses that swarmed the tube. And as it lurched to a move again, whizzing away from the platform, where he stood was now empty.

Deflated, I backed away slowly towards my bench, knees bending to sit down. Yet before my bottom could collide with the cold metal, a voice to my right caught my attention.

"Zara? Zara Fischer?" he asked.

Straightening up, I turned to face him, jaw going slack.

Jasper Sun stood a couple of metres from me, the same shock I had before flickering in his eyes. He too couldn't believe he was looking at me. He too was surprised how much I had changed over the past four years.

Unable to help myself, my legs began carrying me toward him at a brisk pace until I was throwing my arms around him, burying my head against his shoulder.

"Jas!" I said softly. "It's so great to see you."

But he didn't hug me back. He stayed rigid under my hold, causing me to shift back to look at him.

The distant look in his eye and awkward posture had me dropping him instantly.

I could feel the heat overtaking my cheeks.

Oh my gosh, Zara... did you seriously just hug a guy you haven't seen in four years? Let alone one that looks like—

"You aged well," I couldn't help blurting out as I took a better look at him. He was no longer the boy who reminded me of dumplings. Instead, his jaw and cheekbones had chiseled out. He was a head taller than me and lanky. He had almost become a man. And he was most definitely the type of guy who would have girls crushing on him these days.

As his gaze trickled down over me, as if to assess whether I had aged well, I suddenly felt self-conscious of the hand-me-down padded parka of mum's I was wearing. And also wary of whether the red hair suited me.

"You look... You know the emo trend ended a few years ago, right?"

I couldn't help the laugh that escaped my mouth. "It's not quite emo..." But I did still sport the thick winged eyeliner, the choker, and the black hoop that pierced my nose.

He smirked, then shook his head. "What school do you go to now?"

"You wouldn't have heard of it..."

"Why? Is it out in the sticks?"

"No. It's in Australia."

Brows coming together, he replied, "Australia? What the bloody hell are you doing over there for?"

"Did you not read any of the letters I sent you?"

"Letters?"

Biting my lip, I wondered if they ever actually delivered to him, or if I had gotten his address wrong somehow. Or maybe if his mother, who never quite liked me, had hidden them from him. But surely she wouldn't do something like that. "I moved there four years ago with mum when my parents separated."

"Separated?"

"Surely you've run into my dad and his new family before."

"New family?"

"C'mon, Jas. Do you think I just cut you off for no reason? Did you not try to figure out where your best friend had disappeared to?"

His eyes turned cold and he took a step back from me. Arms crossing over his chest, he said, "Based on our last conversation... yes, I would believe you cut me off for no reason."

"Our last conversation?" I queried.

"You don't remember?"

Shrugging, I said, "Back then is all really a blur at this point. I had a lot going on..."

But then he scoffed. "Of course you're going to pretend you don't remember."

"Did I say something bad?"

Rolling his eyes, he just shook his head, refusing to enlighten me.

"Well... I'm sorry, if I did."

The silence ensued between us, neither of us making eye contact or conversation for a while. But he didn't turn to leave. And my train had come and gone without me getting on it.

"Do you think... maybe we could catch up while I'm here for my summer holidays?"

"Summer?" His brow shot up as he glanced around at all the people huddled into their jackets.

I couldn't help but laugh at his reaction. "I'm used to saying that. It's summer back home." A part of me winced that I was now calling Australia home, but, at the same time, it made sense. Because this place just felt so foreign. And I didn't feel I belonged in dad's new family, even if the house had a room made up with my favourite colour and pictures. "What do you say?"

"I don't know... I've still got school for next week and some exams the week following..."

"Oh... okay." And because there was nothing more to say after that, dejectedly I turned to face towards the tracks, as though all I could do now was wait to make an awkward exit.

But then he sighed and I noticed him holding something out to me from the corner of my eye. Glancing his way once more, he had his phone unlocked, a new contact waiting to be added. "Give me your number. And if I have time, we can maybe do something."

A small smile spreading across my face, I eagerly grabbed his phone and punched my new number into it. "Thanks Jas. And, I don't remember what I did back then, but I hope you'll let me make it up to you. Whatever it was."

That familiar pain flicked through his eyes once more, but then he gave me a curt nod. With that, he turned on his heel and didn't say anything else, leaving me there to curiously gaze after him, wondering what that look could have meant.