Asa's View of Joseph and herself (Sneak Peak into the future -- Events are not chronological)

The first time I met Joseph, I couldn't look away. He was attractive. His brooding attitude added to his charm and his quiet demeanor added to the mystery. When he decided to join our team, I was instantly pleased without knowing what he could offer. Which said a lot about me - not good things. 

He was tall and a bit on the skinnier side. His deep brown skin was accentuated by the dark circles under his eyes. His face was littered with very light patches of discoloration on his cheeks, forehead, and neck that looked like birthmarks. The dark locs of his hair appeared quite straight with small waves that highlighted his face. Joseph was beautiful without even trying.

"My name is Asa. My pronouns are she/her. Nice to meet you!" I greeted with enthusiasm. First impressions were important. I had to play it cool though. I couldn't blow this.

"I am Joseph Park. My pronouns are he/him." 

He stayed standing as he watched the seat that faced my desk. "I'm so sorry. You can take a seat."

"Thank you for giving me the chance to meet with you, Asa."

"Well, I'll cut to the chase. You are aware that we are a small nonprofit located in an extremely homophobic country right? And that your salary is not going to be great because we are broke? I know I shouldn't be telling you this, but I thought it was important for you to know what you're getting yourself into," I stated. 

Joseph's face didn't show much emotion, but he nodded. "I understand, but I didn't come here for the money.  I already have a job. I think that this foundation is very important and I'd like to help it in any way that I can. I am willing to lend my expertise to elevate what you guys have going on here. I-- I just want the youngsters to get the best out of what I can give."

Does love at first sight still exist? 

"We will accept whatever you're offering. I'll be honest. We are lacking funds. We desperately need to fix the center that was recently vandalized. We're also struggling to get donations from the usual donors. With an influx of teens that are publicly coming out, we are struggling to keep our doors open - which defeats our purpose. How can you help us?" 

"While abroad I worked at one of the local LGBT foundations in Holland. I learned a lot about how they gathered international funds through campaigns that catered to specific issues. We're located in the Caribbean. Our population is quite small and many people do not believe in our cause. We have to start making international connections to ensure that we are making enough money to take care of our kids and keep this place running. I already have a few contacts that are willing to network with us. I would obviously need you to agree to the terms but logistics are the lowest priority at the moment since you are in dire need."

"I think logistics are quite important actually. Nobody wants to sell their soul for money," I stated. It's been hard, but I wasn't desperate enough to accept money with terms and agreements that could not be met. 

Joseph looked confused by my statement. The birthmarks (?) on his face added to his charm. He really was attractive. I needed to be a professional, but I keep pausing to swoon. 

"You will not have to do no such thing. All they would like to see is the audit to make sure that the money is being used as intended. That is fair right?"

We were desperate. This foundation saved my life. Money that they raised helped me transition - since my health care refused to pay for it. I would love to be in a position where we raised enough funds to assist anyone that needed to transition but could not afford it. 

"It is. Thank you. You came out of nowhere and we really appreciate what you're doing for us."

Joseph nodded once more. "This foundation is important to me. The moment I knew it existed, I knew I had to be a part of it. This place can't ever close. It's too important... to me."

"Why is it important to you?"

For the first time since we've spoken, he seemed to put down his guard. The business Joseph evaporated and I was finally faced with maybe - the real Joseph. 

"There are many young kids, who are growing up how I did. They want their parents or families to be a part of their self-discovery. However, that will never be the case.  All of this can lead to resentment and unhappiness. I know how it feels to be alone. I want them to know that there are people - young adults who understand them and who are living their truths and are happy. The ideas and life that they imagined for themselves aren't just fantasies, they can be a reality. Their identities and sexualities do not determine the future that they deserve. This place is just the beginning of so many amazing things that can be done to make our society a nicer place. Even if I have blind faith, I'll still keep believing. If I can change, I believe others can as well." 

His conviction touched my heart. It's been so long since I've heard anyone speak like that. "You speak beautifully. Thank you for wanting to be a part of this. I already know that you will become a major team player."

"Thank you for having me, Asa."

I mentally fell to my knees as he said my name. Who would have thought that I would be feeling this way for a man that I did not know? 

It didn't help that he was so kind. He actually kept every promise that he made. He brought in a contractor who thoroughly looked over the center and within a month, the place was painted and renovated and we had another grand opening. 

Without fear, he spoke to government officials to request that we visit schools and advertise events at other community centers. His drive made my crush on him increase and within a few months, I couldn't stop thinking about him. 

Donovan said that I should just tell him how I feel, but it wasn't that easy. Joseph seemed to have a very difficult past and he didn't like opening up. The only times that I've seen him really smile was at the kids that visited the center. He would be casual with Jeremy, Donovan, and the others, but everything stayed at surface level. All I knew about him was that he was filled with passion.

Passion that made him so attractive. 

This attraction increased when I saw him interact with kids. We had teamed up with a local orphanage to host a fun day of activities for the kids. Joseph had pulled many strings to make the events memorable and worthwhile. There were unlimited snacks, a bouncy castle and he even brought in a float. The kids played nonstop all day long until it got late and they had to go back. 

A few of them held unto Joseph and didn't want to let go of him. Apparently, they all knew him because he regularly visited them. After giving individual hugs and promising to visit soon, they hopped unto the bus. 

I stood from afar, watching him do all of this and feeling so content knowing that we had someone like him on the team-- not that the other team members didn't do their part. It's just that Joseph had a charm about him that I could not overlook, even if I wanted to. 

I could guarantee that I wasn't the only person that saw his charm. Many people that have passed through the foundation have shown their interest and each time he would kindly shy away from their advances. This made me hopeful, but I still felt nervous about ever confessing to him. 

As a transwoman, I always felt like I had to tiptoe around men. Especially where I lived. Since I've moved back, I didn't once think of pursuing anyone besides Joseph. The first time he heard that I was trans, he told me that he appreciated that I was comfortable enough to tell him and that telling him was not a requirement. The information only made him appreciate me more for living in a way that made me happy.

Maybe I cried. Maybe I didn't.

What I do know is that every time Joseph decided to say more than his typical two words - I fell for him even more.

I had always felt insecure when it came to dating. The thought of dating used to creep me out and choosing to live here was a blessing and a curse. It's my home, I love the constant sunshine, but the people - they were the worst. They knew how to make people feel worthless. It didn't matter how great you did or all that you accomplished. The moment they know that you are associated with the "LGBT" community you become a pest. Men that didn't know I was trans would be interested, but the moment they found out where I worked, they'd spew hateful words and just run away. 

Even outside of dating, the people were ruthless. We had raised so much money to provide scholarships to teenagers who were not eligible only for parents to say that they don't want our money. I remember breaking down as a father tore a cheque in front of my face and threw the remnants at me. He found out that I was trans because of the pin I wore. He yelled at me and appeared to want to attack me due to his perception of who he thought I was. 

My team had protected me the best way that they could, but I was scared. I was fearful. I always got reminded of the teenagers that would call me at late hours in the night afraid of tomorrow -- while I consoled them behind a mask of my fear.

When this situation cooled down and I felt more comfortable at work, I returned with a heavy heart. I was defeated. As I walked in, I noticed a  worn journal on my desk. The pages were frayed and torn as they peaked out and the cover was beautifully decorated with glitter, paint, and markers. I slightly noticed my name drawn faintly in the color black. 

I carefully opened the book and read the first page:

This is a reminder of what you mean to us. Every person whose heart you touched contributed to this disastrous masterpiece. Stories, illustrations, and affirmations are all for you and about you. 

You are loved. - Joseph

If I didn't think that I loved him before then -- I loved him now.