The next couple months were pretty uneventful. I was able to get up a bit more well, but I still couldn’t do much, and didn’t really want to do much. I didn’t see the point anymore. I had completely forgotten about school despite exams coming up in like a month. Who cares about what happened to me anymore? My life was just being forced to eat, meltdown, sleep, and repeat. I spent quite a bit of time worrying about Robin though. She was supposed to be out of the hospital, but she hadn’t reached out whatsoever.

One afternoon, I was about to take a nap when I heard someone knock on the front door. Jack and Bella were at school, and Dad was working, so I had to get the door. I grabbed the stupid walking stick that I had by my bed and started walking out of my room and down the stairs. I hated the dumb thing, but it helped me get around. When I got to the door, I was severely out of breath and shaky as hell. When I opened the door though, my eyes lit up.

“Robin!” I cried, so happy that I fell into her arms, sobbing. “Oh my god! You’re ok!”

“Blimey Diane,” she laughed. “Chill it. I’m a bit worse for wear, but I’m ok!”

“I-I was so s-scared you were d-d-d-” I was sobbing so hard into her shoulder, and Robin held me in a hug.

“Don’t worry,” she softly said, running her fingers through my hair. “I’m here. I’m ok… How about we go sit down, yeah?”

“Y-yeah…” I laughed weakly. Robin let me lean on her as she walked me to the couch. As the so-called blanket queen, I spotted the nearest blanket and swiped it for myself.

“I was wondering when I’d see you again,” I said, wrapping myself up. “I was getting worried.”

“I would’ve dropped by earlier, but Dad made me take a break at home after I got out of the hospital.”

“When did you get out?”

“A couple days ago,” she sighed. “I’m happy to be out of there. And back to my normal antidepressant dosage.”

“Oh yeah,” I giggled. “Heard from John that you were pretty spaced out.”

“That’s one way to put it,” Robin said, rolling her eyes. “So… how are things on your end?” she asked hesitantly.

“How about you go first,” I said. Robin had a tendency of hiding things, so I wanted to know how she really was. “You really worried me! I ran over as fast as I could!”

“You ran?!” she asked in disbelief. “Bloody hell, Diane! How did you manage that? You didn’t hurt yourself, did you?!”

“Adrenaline carried me,” I shrugged. “I’m fine. I had chest pains and passed out, but those are normal. But that’s besides the point.”

“Bloody hell Daine…” she sighed. “Learn to watch yourself…”

“You’re one to talk. What’s going on? I’m here to listen if you have to vent.”

“That’s fair,” laughed Robin nervously. “But I’m really ok. Won’t be pulling another attempt anytime soon.”

“You’d better not,” I said seriously.

“I won’t,” she promised. “Besides, things are looking up. When your dad came by, he told us you were eating a bit more. I was relieved to hear that. I can even move my wrist again. And we’re not fighting. So yeah, sounds pretty good to me.”

“Just… listen,” I sighed. “If you get to a dark place again, call me. Text me. Do whatever, I don’t care. Just talk to me. Don’t do something like that again.”

“I think I’ve vented enough to the therapists at the hospital for a while.”

“Fair point,” I laughed. We sat there silently as one question bounced around my head. The one I had been asking for days and days. “So… why did you do it…?” I asked quietly.

“I… figured you’d ask that…” she sighed. “Just… don’t blame yourself, ok?”

“I won’t. No more than I already do.”

“I just… didn’t want to see you die… Seeing you suffer was bad enough, but… watching you die? I-I wouldn’t know what to do with myself-”

“And killing yourself before I died would solve that?” I asked. 

“I wouldn’t be able to live with myself…” she mumbled.

“Did you ever think how I’d be the one seeing you die?!”

“I mean, you hardly get around anymore. Wouldn’t exactly be seeing it, would you?”

“I-” Wow, that left me speechless. “Fair, I guess…”

“Enough of me. What about you?”

“Well, you’ll be happy to hear I’ve been working on recovering,” I said with a small smile. “Or something like that.”

“Oh my god, that’s great!” Robin cried, giving me a big hug. “I’m so proud!”

“Haha, it’s about time I went through with that promise I made anyway.”

“About time? So you’ve been able to eat those three meals a day with a snack? You do look… Well, a bit worse. No offense.”

“Well, I’ve been trying to… but finishing more than one meal is a struggle,” I nervously laughed. “And yeah… I know I’ve looked better…”

“So,” Robin whispered with a sad look. “You’ve lost more weight?”

I gave her a guilty look and my face fell. I know I had to have lost weight despite Diana insisting I had gained dozens.

“You’re still not eating enough,” she sighed. “You know that, right?”

“I know…” I admitted. “I’m trying, I swear.”

“Diane, you’ve tried for a long time,” Robin said painfully. “If you’re trying so hard, when are we going to start seeing results?”

I stayed silent. She got me good. I wasn’t trying as hard as I said I was. At best, I was just doing what Dad told me to do. I was never truly trying to get better. My family was just too insistent to let me die in bed.

“So… I know you and your dad made a deal on treatment a while ago. How’s that been?”

“Everyone knows I’m not going to make it with how I’m going… so I’m starting outpatient on Monday. I’ll be there until they can get me a bed in inpatient.”

“Ah, I’m guessing you’re not happy about that?” she asked.

“Not really,” I said honestly. “I don’t really want to be forced to eat a ton and gain weight…”

“Well, it’ll be better when you’re supervised. You’re sick and need the help.”

“Fair enough,” I sighed.

“You need someone to push you to eat, I gotcha,” joked Robin. “Maybe I can rub my love for food on you. And if you get that bed in inpatient, I’ll make sure to visit you.”

Oh thanks, that means a lot,” I smirked. “And sorry if I start being a bitch again. I’m going to be under a lot of pressure.”

“Oh I’m used to it,” she laughed. “I know it’s not something you mean to do. I don’t take it personally.”

After Robin asked a few more treatment questions, we switched the subject to school. I hadn’t been to school since I was taken out in an ambulance, so it was nice to know what was happening. Because of my condition, I was technically temporarily pulled out of school and didn’t have to worry about keeping up with work or classes. 

*   *   *   *   *

Eventually, Robin had to head home. John came home early, and he wanted to spend some time with her. After she left, I decided to take my previously scheduled nap until everyone got home. I woke up right as Dad was about to grab me dinner.

“Oh, you’re awake,” Dad smiled. “Dinner time!”

“Ugh, yay,” I mumbled, half-asleep.

I pulled myself off the couch and dragged my body to the kitchen. I hated how tired I felt after naps. Dad made cheese casserole tonight for a quick dinner. It smelled divine, but shot my anxiety through the roof.

“You know he’s just making this so he can shove as many calories as he can into those legs of yours. You’re gonna have hips wider than the Titanic!”

Diana’s comments were really wild tonight. Dad had been at work, so he couldn’t have verified that I ate lunch, which I didn’t, so he was probably making this to compensate. He usually did this on days he couldn’t be there to see me eat breakfast or lunch.

I grabbed a plate and scooped some food into my plate with the others. I wasn’t really hungry, so I didn’t take a lot. I quickly escaped to the table before Dad could see me. I almost got away with taking such a blatantly small amount too.

Um, Diane,” Bella said nervously. Immediately, everyone’s eyes darted towards me, and a chorus of frowns appeared. “You know that’s not a proper dinner.”

I silently cursed while putting on a nervous smile. I hadn’t finished breakfast, so I knew Dad would push for a full dinner. He always made me finish at least one meal, especially if I skipped one. I just hoped nobody was going to call me out on it.

“Give me your plate,” demanded Dad. Shamefully, I gave him my plate and watched him scoop food onto it. Maybe other people saw food; all I saw was numbers piling on numbers in front of me.

“They’re trying to make you mammoth sized! You’re getting fat just looking at it!”

“Here you go,” Dad said, handing my plate back to me with a smile. I gulped at the amount of food on it. I should’ve finished breakfast. Oatmeal was so much safer. “Eat it.”

“No,” I hissed, swatting the plate away. It hit the ground and shattered, spilling food and porcelain shards everywhere. Everyone just looked at me. “So… I may have overreacted-”

“Yeah,” Dad grumbled, grabbing another plate and scooping more casserole before shoving it in front of me again. “I reiterate, eat it.”

“Do I have to finish it all?” I asked quietly.

“Yes, I’d rather you did,” he said, grabbing some things to clean up the mess I had made. “Just do your best.”

I slowly, and anxiously, started eating with the others. Part of me knew I was probably going to purge afterwards, which only made it a little easier to eat. Even with that, I couldn’t finish it. It was just too much.

“You done?” asked Dad as he picked up everyone’s plates.

“Yea,” I nodded.

“One more bite?” he sighed. “Just one? You didn’t eat much.”

I took one more bite and headed upstairs when Dad gave me the thumbs up. I wanted to take a nap without being bothered. But as I was heading to my room, Diana had other plans.

“Purge. Now. No arguments, bitch. Get it out.”

I headed right to the washroom, being too tired to ignore her. It was a risk heading there right after a meal, but I thought I wouldn’t get caught. Or so I thought. I was about halfway through burning my throat with stomach acid when I heard a knock at the door.

“Shit! Hit the breaks on the purging!”

“Diane?” Bella said, knocking on the door. “You’re just using the bathroom, right?”

“Uh huh,” I said. Or, I tried to say. Now, my mistake was talking with my fingers still crammed down my throat. Turns out my gag reflex didn’t get the memo to be quiet, and my response was mostly masked by my puking, which was the wrong answer to Bella’s question.

“DIANE OPEN THE DOOR!! NOW!” Bella shouted. It’s a shame my response was just more puking. I was already this far in, might as well go all the way. I shoved my fingers all the way down my throat. “IF THERE’S ANYTHING LEFT OF YOU, I’M GOING TO GIVE IT WHAT FOR!” she shouted, trying desperately to open the locked door.

Suddenly, the door flew open and my Dad pulled me away from the toilet. My vision was swimming and blurry, but I could see Jack and Bella in the doorway. They were all trying to get some kind of confirmation I was conscious. Through the confusion, I heard Bella.

“Diane, do you need to go to the hospital?” she asked firmly. “You look pale and weak.”

“T-Then I look n-normal…” I muttered, shaking my head. I knew how I was feeling was just from puking. I had some deficiencies, especially potassium, and purging didn’t help.

“Do you need to go?” she asked again, more urgently.

I shook my head, and everyone made a group effort to drag me into bed. Afterwards, I heard them talking outside my room, and could just barely make them out.

“Sorry Jack,” Dad said, turning to my brother. “I cleaned the toilet last time.”

“Ughhh,” he groaned. “Why can’t Bella do it?”

“Because I did it the time before that,” she said, folding her arms.

“Fine,” he mumbled, taking the toilet wand from Dad and marching into the bathroom gagging.

I know why they really sent Jack to clean the bathroom. He hated being around during serious talks, and they were definitely about to have one with me. Dad and Bella came into my room and took the opportunity to lecture me. They established that for my (apparent) own good, I’d be watched by someone an hour after eating from now on. No negotiations or arguments.

After getting lectured, I decided my day had been exciting enough to call it done. I decided to curl up in a ball and pulled some blankets over my head. Almost instantly, I fell asleep into a dream. I noticed my dreams were getting bizarre lately, but this one really took the cake for one of the oddest.