“Diane?” Dad asked, peeking into my room later when everyone was up. I was laying in my bed, wondering if what I had said earlier was a good idea. “I made pancakes for breakfast. You want some?”

“Yeah, I guess,” I sighed. It was hard to say yes, but he was going to make me eat something anyway. And honestly, after the night I’ve had, I didn’t feel like restricting like usual. I was too tired and drained for it.

“Sounds good,” he said with a smile. “I’ll bring you some in a bit.”

My head dropped. I secretly felt awful for how I couldn’t join everyone at the table like a normal person. I couldn’t even remember the last time I enjoyed a meal with my family. I missed it so much deep down.

“Hey,” Dad said, noticing my mood. “You ok?”

“Um… Is it alright if I… ate with you guys?” I asked quietly. “At the table…?” I felt so stupid for asking. Dad sighed.

“If you come down for breakfast, you’ll have to stay down there all day. I don’t want you going up and down the stairs.”

“I think I could do that,” I said. “Maybe Bella and I can watch some TV again.”

“I’m sure she’d love that,” he said with a smile.

He came over to me and sat down. He didn’t want a repeat of last time, and to be fair, neither did I. He made me climb onto his back so he could carry me downstairs. I felt so bad for being such a weakling, but I didn’t have a choice. He brought me down to the bottom of the stairs, then let me walk the rest of the way with his help.

Bella and Jack were in the kitchen waiting for the pancakes to be done. They looked shocked to see me. Bella pulled out a chair for me and got me a glass of water.

“Morning!” Jack smiled. “What brings the blanket queen down from her palace in the sky today, hm?”

I snorted in laughter. He liked to tease me and call me the blanket queen now because I was almost always wrapped in blankets whenever anyone saw me now. And admittedly, this time wasn’t any different. I had a blanket that Bella and I had made wrapped around me like a cape for royalty.

“May I interest Your Majesty in some pancakes on this fine morrow?” Jack asked with an accent to add a royal-y tone to it. “The finest food in the lands, given life by none other than Dad with the golden miracle of butter and divine syrup of Canada.”

Everyone laughed at his performance. He was fooling around and making a fool of himself like usual. He was good at it, I’ll give him that. He spent a lot of time in drama club, so he only got more exaggerated and dramatic by the day.

“Why yes, Sir Jack,” I replied in a British accent. “The blanket queen desires a pancake, and if thou knowest thine place, thou shalt not tarry in giving me one.”

Jack looked at me, shocked and almost falling over. 

“What hath the kingdom come to?! The blanket queen desiring pancakes?! I was not informed of such news! I lament to say word travels not as fast as it once did, I do say myself.”

I giggled. This was definitely the most fun I’d had in a while. A much better time than sitting by myself in my room all day.

“Oh Sir Jack, you jest like that of a fool! Did the news not carry on my sweet quiet sobs of the early morning? The blanket queen has had a change of heart.”

“I’ve heard not!” Jack said, keeping in character but not covering up his legitimate surprise. Bella handed me my water and I could see Dad smile as he made some more pancakes.

“The blanket queen’s eating habits of old are no more,” I said, my accent wavering slightly. The nervousness was getting to me, and I started getting quiet too. I knew once I said anything about recovering, there was no going back.

“You’re recovering?!” Bella asked, leaning forward, almost out of her chair. “For real?!”

I nervously nodded, and there was a deafening silence in the room before Jack took a glass of orange juice, jumped up on a chair, and held his cup in the air.

“Let us merrily raise a glass!” he shouted in glee. “To the health and prosperity of the blanket queen!”

Everyone busted into wide smiles, and Bella pulled me into a hug. I guess they were happier about me saying that than I thought they’d be. I had no idea how much they wanted to hear me say that I would change for the apparent better. I wasn’t too sure how I felt about it myself. I just knew Diana hated it.

“Aaaaaa! I’m so proud of you for deciding this!” Bella squealed after she released me from her tight hug. It left me a bit dizzy; the girl was strong. I gave her a lightheaded grin.

“Alrighy!” Dad smiled. “There’s a pancake for everyone!” In record time, he slid a pancake onto everyone’s plates. “If anyone wants more, there’s plenty of batter leftover.”

Everyone was happy to finally have breakfast, and as a family again too. Everyone went to grab maple syrup for their pancakes but me. I just stared at mine. My anxiety shot through the roof and questioned why I ever asked for this arrangement. I didn’t want to eat this. It was way too many calories. Suddenly, Bella pushed the maple syrup my way.

“You should put a bit of syrup on,” she suggested. “Just a bit at least.”

“Um… sure, yeah. Why not?”

I took the bottle and slowly tilted it, letting just a small stream of syrup dribble out on the side of my plate. My hands were shaking like crazy, and I almost dropped the bottle. Now I just had to eat the thing.

“No you don’t. You don’t have to eat anything.”

No Diana… I have to eat. I have to survive.

“You’ll survive. Just stop being a bitch about it.”

I’m underweight and can’t walk across the room without someone helping me. I was supposed to stop a long time ago.

“Honey, if you stopped then, you'd still be miserable and bullied. I’m making you better.”

Thinner isn’t better.

“You only say that because you’re still fat.”

I’m so weak now.

“Because you’re fucking lazy.”

My friends are almost all gone.

“Because you’re a bitch. Who wouldn’t want to leave you? You don’t even have redeemable looks.”

I’m dying.

“You’re getting healthier.”

Fuck off, I don’t need you!

“Don’t you fucking dare tell me to fuck off!! You don’t deserve that fucking pancake, bitch! You know what you deserve, you pig? To starve, that’s what! You make everyone’s life worse and drove your only friend to-”

“Diane?” Bella said, snapping me out of it. “Are you ok…?

I shook my head and was trying not to cry. My anxiety had skyrocketed, and I couldn’t take it anymore.

“I… I- I can’t do it-”

“Yes you can!” Jack and Bella said in unison, and Dad nodded in agreement. I looked down at my plate and shakily took a hold of my fork. I tore off a corner of the pancake with it and prepared for Diana’s screaming. I just closed my eyes and shoved it in my mouth.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?”

Please, go away just this once! I can’t restrict constantly!

“If you eat that, it’s AT LEAST an hour of exercise, hear me?!?”

I can’t! Have you seen me?! I almost died walking down the stairs!

“What’s that got to do with me, bitch? Your clumsy ass did that, not me!”

What… What if I don’t eat lunch? Does that make up for it?

“Hm… maybe. No lunch, and a small dinner. Still over what you should be having, but I’ll give you this ONE day.”

Alright, it’s a deal then.

“Yeah, and you’d better keep your word, fucking pig bitch.”

I did my best to keep my word about recovery, and I went to take a second piece of pancake off my plate. My family talked me through the whole meal, and was supportive the entire way. I surprised everyone I think when I actually finished breakfast! I didn’t think I could do that anymore! I didn’t have time to be proud though. Eating made my stomach hurt like hell and gave me terrible acid reflux. Dad helped me over to the couch so I could lay down.

“Purge it all!!! Now!! It’s all going straight to your thighs as we speak and you know it!!!”

I didn’t want to purge though, and I was too tired to do it as well. I don’t know why food was making me so tired every time! I thought food was supposed to give energy, but it made me fall asleep in just a few minutes, putting me out cold for the rest of the morning.

*   *   *   *   *

When I woke up, the first thing Dad mentioned to me was lunch. He didn’t even give me a choice! He’d gone out for groceries earlier and got me an old favorite: instant ramen. I know it’s something most people can have no problem with, but I’d purged my diet of junk like that since it all started. I missed it so much, but didn’t think I’d taste them ever again. But there I was, sitting with a cup of instant noodles that Dad had placed in my lap.

“You doing alright?” he asked. “I imagine fighting the eating disorder is hard. I want to make sure you’re not overwhelmed.”

“Well… I can’t say I’m perfectly whelmed,” I said, looking fearfully down at the noodles. “I wasn’t planning on having lunch, but I’m still sitting here with noodles. Things could be better.”

“You deserve lunch,” said Dad softly. “I don’t see why you wouldn’t be allowed to eat.”

I quietly stirred my noodles around with the fork. They looked amazing and smelled like the stuff of gods, but I knew they were super calorific. I would’ve checked the label and done some math to make sure it’s within my limit, but Dad had blacked out any nutritional information in permanent marker. He was a step ahead.

“I don’t care what it is! I said NO LUNCH, so hands off!!”

I slowly handed the cup of noodles to Dad. He refused to take the noodles though, and gave me a saddened and concerned look. Realizing he wasn’t going to take it, I put the noodles back in my lap and started sobbing. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t hold it all in anymore-

“Oh Diane… What’s wrong?” he asked, taking the noodles, putting them on a side table, and pulling me into a hug. He ran his fingers through my hair to calm me down.

“I can’t do it!” I cried. “Every meal gets harder, and I can’t take the stress! I’m so scared of gaining weight, and not being in control, and-”

“Shh…” Dad interrupted. “Calm down, Diane. First off, you can do it. It’ll get easier as you fight it, and breakfast is proof. As for the weight gain, it’s so you can live and be with us. Don’t you want to go out into the world? Meet new people? See new places? Do new things?”

“Yeah…” I sobbed. “I- I want to be normal again…”

“And this, Diane, do you feel in control of yourself? Do you feel like you have executive authority over how you eat?”

“...Did Sheryl call about the treatment center yet?”

“Well…” sighed Dad. “I was going to tell you after lunch, but I’m guessing you want to know what’s happening now?”

“Please…” I whispered, drying my tears.

“She got you into the outpatient program, so you’ll be at the hospital most of the day, but spend the rest of the time at home. She tried to get you to inpatient, but the best she could do right now is get you on the waiting list. Once you get a spot, you’ll spend time there.”

“When am I going?” I question like I was asking when my funeral was.

“Next Monday,” he said quietly.

Those were the only words I needed to start sobbing again on Dad’s shoulder, and he held me close the entire time. It was officially happening, and I was terrified. Dad tried to talk to me, but all I could hear was Diana screaming in my ears. By the time I had calmed down my noodles were cold. I thought that’d get me out of having to eat them, but Dad just reheated them and sat with me as I ate half the cup. He could only watch in sadness as his daughter had another meltdown over her instant ramen.

After lunch, he let me just sleep on the couch all afternoon. Sleep was my one escape from the life I didn’t want to live anymore. No decisions to face. No consequences to feel. It was always how I wanted…

*   *   *   *   *

“Oi, Diane!”

Jack was trying to gently shake me awake. I tried to hiss at him to let me sleep, but apparently it was Dad’s orders that I had to get dinner. Why couldn’t it just wait?! I wasn’t even hungry. Despite that, Jack got me up and helped me to the table. I couldn’t help but notice he didn’t look as happy as usual. He looked… guilty? Sad? It was hard to make out because I hardly ever saw him like that.

When we got to the table, I could see that Dad made steamed veggies and chicken. He had already prepped my plate, and slid it over to me when I sat down. The veggies were safe, and chicken was pretty safe too, so dinner wasn’t really that bad. It was definitely better than the previous meals. 

“I hope that’s a good amount for you,” said Dad. “If you need anything, let me know.”

We all ate around the table again, feeling relatively like a normal family dinner. Telling jokes, talking about recent news, recounting stories from previous days… I could tell something was wrong though. They were eating and laughing, but I could feel their eyes on me with every bite I took, like they were on edge if I was going to eat or not.

“Because they are, you attention whore,” spat Diana. “You made them like this. You made them stressed. Don’t forget bitch, this is why you deserve to starve.”

Later after dinner, I was laying on the couch, ready to go to sleep, when Jack and Bella approached me gently.

“You up for a movie?” Bella asked me.

“Sure,” I yawned. I went to sit up to make space for them, but Jack stopped me.

“Chill out sis,” he said. “There’s plenty of chairs. Don’t worry about moving for us.”

The living room had a couch right in front of the TV and two chairs. One next to the couch, and one next to the window to the side of the room. Normally when we watched movies, it was a fight for the couch, then we’d usually end up jamming all three of us in there, plus Robin sometimes. 

“Alright… Fine,” I sighed, settling back and getting relaxed again.