The next couple days were relatively uneventful and passed without incident. I tried to keep my promise to Robin. I really did. But I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t say yes whenever people offered food, and I couldn’t keep three meals a day. Diana wouldn’t let me, no matter how hard I tried. I didn’t want to go lower than 75 pounds, and I knew with the way I was going, I’d be even more sick, but I didn’t care. Well, I did care actually. A part of me was really scared inside because of it. Diana didn’t care though…

Dad could see I was fighting it and trying, which was probably the only reason he hadn’t thrown me in the hospital again yet. But we’d had conversations about it though, so that means he was considering it. Unless I got my act together, I’d be forced into treatment. The knowledge of that only made me more bitter and hostile towards everyone, which made me in turn feel even worse. I was already a shit friend and daughter, but now I was becoming a horrible sibling too. Jack would try to cheer me up and talk about it all gently, but I would just hiss at him to go away and that I didn’t want to see him. Bella and I would get into full on shouting matches that ended with me saying things to her that I always regretted.

Dad was probably at least a bit relieved to know he wouldn’t have to worry about me exercising again. I couldn’t even get out of bed anymore. For the first couple days, I could walk around mostly without problem for about 10 minutes without anything happening. It let me go and watch TV, play guitar, talk with my family, and other stuff. Soon though, 10 minutes became 7, then 5, then 3, then I couldn’t get up without the world going black. Then eventually making myself sit up was beginning to be hard.

Most of the days I just tried to sleep though, and prayed I would pass in the night. I knew my time was coming. Diana kept reminding me. Even if Dad put me into treatment now, it was too late for me. I was beyond help, and I’d die soon. It was no secret, and everyone knew it. I was willing to accept it with open arms though. At least if I moved on to the next life, I wouldn’t just be everyone’s problem anymore.

*   *   *   *   *

After I’d been home for about a week, I decided it was time to apologize to Robin. I had a lot of time to think about how I treated her, and I owed her a better apology for being such a bitch when she tried to help. I know I didn’t have long, so I decided it was time to do it now. She’d been visiting every day, but had stopped recently, and that worried me. Robin had always been there for me, and said she would. Maybe she sniffed out I wasn’t holding up our promise and I had really pushed her away?!

I grabbed my phone and dialed Robin’s home phone number. I would’ve dialed her cell phone, but I know she didn’t have many minutes. I didn’t wanna waste them.

“Hello?” asked Robin’s dad, John.

“Oh, John! Is Robin there?”

“Yeah, she is. I’m sure she’ll be glad to talk to you! She misses you a lot.”

“I bet…” John tried to make everything sound like it was fine, but it wasn’t. I was on my deathbed and Robin was suffering for it too. I could hear John knock on Robin’s door. “I miss her too, you know.”

“Well, she’s been really down lately and I’m sure seeing you would-”

The next thing I heard was John slowly opening a squeaky door and telling Robin I wanted to talk. Then I heard the phone drop to the ground and rushed footsteps.

“ROBIN, NO!! BLOODY HELL, STAY WITH ME!!!”

My blood curdled and turned to ice while my mind started racing. I could only hear choppy bits and pieces of what he was saying, but I couldn’t sit in bed anymore. Robin had a history of severe depression and self harm, and when times got too hard she got suicidal and- Oh no… Did I make her…

I felt a rush of adrenaline through my veins and I jumped out of bed with more vigor than ever before. I needed to get to Robin. Right now. When I took more than a few steps, my vision went black and I fell to the ground. I clung onto consciousness though.

“Get up…” I whispered, tears in my eyes as I struggled to haul myself up. “GET UP!” I said, shouting now. I had to go.

By a miracle, I pulled myself up and shot down the hallway. I was clumsy and unsteady though, and I banged into the doors and walls, and almost fell headfirst down the stairs. I was almost to the door when Dad caught up and tried wrapping his arms around me.

“Diane?!?” he cried. “What in the world are you doing?! Are you seriously trying to exercise-”

“LET ME GO!!” I shrieked, pulling away and sprinting for the door. “I need to get to Robin RIGHT NOW! I think she tried to kill herself!!!”

I swung open the door and sprinted across Robin’s lawn in my bare feet. As I hear ambulance sirens in the distance, I could feel my vision start to fade again. I knew I didn’t have much time, and I had to get to her faster. I steeled my resolve one last time and ran to her room as fast as my weakened frame could carry me.

“Diane!!” John cried in shock when he saw me. He was holding Robin in his arms, crying while keeping her close. I was shaking and holding onto the doorframe to try and keep steady and not pass out. I was crying and panting.

“Is she- *huff* Is she going to be ok?!” John was blocking my view, but he shifted so I could see her, and if I had anything in my stomach, I’m sure I would’ve been sick. 

She was completely unconscious, and her hoodie sleeves were damp, with stains on them. I started sobbing harder as I moved her sleeves to see her whole arm. Her upper arm had older scars, and down the middle there were the scars that I’d seen on my way to the hospital. Then near her wrists were the most recent ones, bleeding out a bit. One stuck out though. One near the base of her wrist was a deep gash, bleeding a profuse amount of blood.

“She- She- She attempted… Because of…”

I felt my head go light as my vision completely blacked out and I fell to the ground. Everything around me was so dulled. The cries from John. The ambulance siren outside the house. The distant shouts from my dad that I could barely hear now.

Maybe this was my time. I’d pushed my body too far. Maybe this was both of our times. I was such a bitch to Robin in our final days. I never even got to truly say how sorry I was for it all. I’d take it all back if I could. I would’ve eaten everything Robin gave me. I would’ve been there for her instead of her only being there for me. Instead, I’d never get to tell her any of that. Surely I was going to Hell for all I’ve done…

*   *   *   *   *

Hours later, I woke up in my bed, gasping and looking around wildly. My eyesight was still blurry, and I reached over to grab my glasses off my nightstand. My brain was a bit hazy, but as I could see again, the memories began flooding back. Images of Robin laying on the ground with bloody slashed wrists. I needed to see her!! I was lucky enough to be alive, but was she?! Was she already at the hospital?! Was she dead?!?! If only I was strong enough to stay awake for it!!

“Pathetic bitch. Can’t even stay up long enough to see if the person you call a friend is still alive? You know she’s dead. You made her kill herself. You should be dead, not her. You deserve to starve for-”

“Oh! You’re awake!” Bella said, walking into my room with a frown. “Are you… ok…?”

“Is… Is… Is Robin ok…?” I asked desperately, fearing the answer.

“She will be,” sighed Bella. I felt my chest get lighter. I could cry because of how happy I felt at that moment. “She’s at the hospital now. Under suicide watch.”

“Oh thank god…” I cried, falling back into my pillow. I had to keep telling myself she’d be ok. I had to. Obviously she’d be struggling mentally, but she was alive. That’s the only thing I cared about.

“Can… we talk?” Bella asked. My mood swings were so sporadic that people had to ask these things, or I might just flip out at them. 

I nodded, and she sat down next to me. Bella was someone you wanted around in times like these. She was calm, collected, and was good at listening. 

“So, how are you doing?” she asked. “Especially after all of this.”

“Ugh… I don’t know…” I mumbled. “I can’t help but feel like it’s all my fault. I’ve been such a bitch to everyone, but never thought of the consequences…”

“Don’t blame yourself, Diane. We all know you don’t mean to be a bitch, and things happen. We know it’s not you. It’s that damn anorexia of yours. It’s controlling your every move.”

“Yeah, but I’m the one who lets her. I don’t bother fighting.”

“Her…?” Bella asked, furrowing her brow. “Who’re you talking about?” I had never brought up Diana to anyone. Heck, I never even talk about having anorexia about this. She made me keep it a secret.

“Hey! This is your fault, not mine!! Don’t drag me into this!”

“It’s… uh, the anorexia,” I quietly explained. “I see it kinda like a person.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah,” I nodded. “She goes by Diana. You see, it’s a mix of words. My name’s Diana, and a lot of people refer to anorexia as Ana. So when you combine them together, you get the name Diana.” I think Bella was concerned at how eager and happy I was to explain that.

“I have to admit, that’s… interesting,” said Bella. “You’re not like… worshiping Diana or anything… right…?”

“What?! No, no, I don’t! I’m not into that.”

“Good, good,” she said, sighing in relief. “I take it Diana isn’t usually nice though, huh?”

“Well… sometimes she is. Sometimes she cheers me on and tells me I can do it, and motivates me out of bed in the morning.”

“And what about most of the time?”

“Most of the time… she’s really mean.”

“What’s she telling you now?”

“I- She…” I felt myself shaking. Diana was blowing up at me for saying anything about her. I felt Bella put her hands on mine.

“Diane, you can tell me,” she said softly.

“She… She’s saying I’m a bitch for telling you about her and making you worry. And all I do is hurt everyone around me.”

“Diane!” she exclaimed in surprise. “You know that’s all bullshit! You’re not a bitch! And you make us so happy! Don’t let that bitch force-feed you lies!”

“I know…” I muttered. Diana was always throwing shit at me that I knew wasn’t true, but I just chose to believe her.

“Oh Diane,” Bella sighed sympathetically, petting the back of my head and calming me down. “What are we going to do with you?”

I shrugged. Honestly, I didn’t know what would make me actually get better. I already tried promising Robin, but that didn’t even last a day. Hell if I know what could actually change my attitude around.

“That reminds me, actually,” Bella said, looking out the window. “Dad booked you an appointment a couple days ago. Pretty sure she’s coming today.”

“Appointment? For what?!”

“A dietician. She specializes in eating disorders too.”

I groaned and pulled a pillow over my face. Of course Dad would try to get me to talk to someone again. Of course he’d try now when I was stuck in bed and couldn’t dodge it. Didn’t take a genius to see I wasn’t recovering, so he probably figured getting a dietician would change things. And of course she was coming on the day my friend attempted suicide and was recovering in the hospital.

“Diane, you know you need this,” Bella stated firmly. “Come on, at least give it a chance, and I mean a real chance. Not some fake effort you like to give.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” I said dismissively. Bella got a clearly ticked-off look on her face.

“You obviously don’t know, because you refuse to do even the most simple treatments! You think you’re being smart, but you’re not! We all know the ‘I’m going to recover from home’ thing is just a trick. This is your life you’re letting go to waste! You’re just letting us watch you die in our house, and even you have you know you don’t have much longer to live!!”

I kept my mouth shut. I knew my time was almost up, but recovering wasn’t worth it. I was too far in to ever be normal again. There wasn’t any doctor that could help me now. Bella looked down, realizing she went really far and made me feel bad.

“Listen Diane, we just-”

“Bella, we’re leaving!” Dad shouted from downstairs. “Hurry up!”

“One second!” Bella shouted back before turning to me. “Look, we’re all going to the hospital to see Robin and John. Is there anything you want us to tell her?”

“Tell her?” I asked, almost offended. “No, I’m going to see her!” I said, sitting up.

“Diane, you can’t get out of bed. How are you getting to the hospital? Besides in an ambulance… again.”

“Please?!” I begged. “I have to see her as soon as possible!”

“I’ll… I’ll go ask Dad.” She went downstairs, and a couple minutes later Dad came up to my room.

“You want to come?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “I don’t know… you’ve gotten really bad, and just sitting up makes you dizzy.”

“I need to see her!” I cried. “She’s still my best friend, and I have to be there especially… especially after how she was there for me…”

“Well… if you can make it… I guess you can…” Dad looked pretty pained saying it, and I could tell he definitely regretted it. “But you can’t stay long. You’ve got someone coming to see you today, so I’ll take you home early.”

“Fine,” I sighed. Wish I could stay longer, but I was lucky he was letting me go at all.

“If you feel like passing out, tell someone. Ok?”

I nodded, and both Dad and Bella helped me up and let me lean on them while I walked. My first and biggest obstacle came in the form of the stairs. My archenemy.

“Oh man…” I said, catching my breath. “This is going to be a challenge.”

“You want a piggyback ride?” asked Dad. “You’ve pushed yourself a lot for one day. We don’t need you going to the hospital the hard way from falling down the stairs.”

“Let me try at least.” My pride was getting the better of me. I refused to actually for real admit that I was that weak. “I can make it to at least the platform.”

The platform split the staircase in two, and was only a few steps down. If I could make it there, there’s no reason why I couldn’t make it the rest of the way too. Before Dad or Bella could be rational human beings and stop me, I took a step forward. A heard Bella cry out.

“Wait! Diane-”

I took my step forward. Then it was a step down. And I was falling face-first down the stairs before I fully processed it all. I had a bad habit of fully committing to my foot and leaning forward whenever I stepped down the stairs, and it made me fall down the stairs a lot. And guess what was about to happen again? Dad and Bella caught me before I could fall down though, and the scare made my heart pound in my chest. The pain was so bad.

“Argh!!” I gasped. I collapsed backwards onto Dad, and I rubbed the center of my chest, trying to ease the pain.

“Are you ok?!” Bella asked, kneeling down next to me. She looked ready to both cradle and slap me at the same time.

“I’m… I’m fine…” I coughed. “Sorry… I thought I could make it…”

Everyone sighed, and Dad put me on his back and carried me to the car. On our way to the hospital, he lectured me about my actions and being careful, and this is why I had to make an effort to recover. Meanwhile, Diana was giving me a lecture of her own about how much of a weak, lazy, attention-seeking bitch I was…