The thing about skipping meals for weeks is that it only gets easier! I never felt nearly as hungry, and restricting back to 900 calories was just second nature now. It almost felt too easy, riding off the high of getting lighter and lighter. There was so just starving itself, which I thrived off of! Some days I didn’t eat at all, and I absolutely loved the feeling, the rush, the high! It kept the voice in my head quiet and cheered me on. I even gave it a name of her own: Diana.

Of course, on the days my body fought back, I binged. On the days that happened I purged by vomiting and/or exercising to make sure it didn’t put a dent in me. With the way I was going though, weight just melted off of me! In about a month I was down to 85 lbs! People gave me weird looks in the hallway, but Diana told me they were just jealous, and they probably were. If they didn’t like how it looked, they didn’t say anything. Robin was the only one against it.

“Diane, you have to stop this!” she cried when she caught me pacing the hallways during lunch. “I don’t want to watch you kill yourself!”

“I’m not! I’ve never felt healthier; I feel amazing!” I said, trying to walk past her. She grabbed my arm and held on tight though.

“Yeah, you feel good now, but what about when the starvation catches up with you?” she argued. “The effects of it all are probably going to kill you!”

“Stop being such a drama queen. I’m not dying, and even on the off chance I did get anything bad from it, I’d can and would drop it all in a heartbeat.”

“Then drop it now! Right now Diane, drop it!”

“What is your problem?!” I spat, trying to free my arm again. “I thought friends were supposed to be supportive when they were trying to change!”

“Diane, you’re insane if you think I’m going to watch you die in front of me,” she growled. “I haven’t even asked you to eat anything. Just sit down!”

“Just let me go and leave me the fuck alone already!” I snapped, freeing my arm at last.

Robin looked at me in complete disbelief, like she didn’t think I was Diane. I didn’t really snap often at all, and for me to full-on yell at her like that was unprecedented. I was too upset to care though. It wouldn’t have happened if she had known her place. I walked away, vowing to not take her bullshit about her trying to control my body anymore.

We started fighting way more than usual, and even had to be separated in our classes. Well, all of them but Biology, where Mrs. Smith just refused to let us split up for some reason. It pissed me off to no end that she just watched us argue and only intervened when she thought it was necessary. 

Eventually our fighting got so bad that we stopped hanging out entirely. I felt partially bad because she was always asking and I always said no, but she only wants to hang out with me to pester me about weight and calories. She wouldn’t drop that subject, so I dropped her as a friend. Maybe if she didn’t incessantly gaslight me about my body I would hang out with her more, but for now Robin would be just a neighbor until she learned to not piss me off at every turn.

*   *   *   *   *

Eventually the holidays rolled around, which I was excited for despite the loads of food that came with it. Even if I thought I looked massive most days, I wanted to proudly show off my body and progress. Since it was a special occasion, and I was around 80lbs at the time, I thought I could let myself have an extra hundred calories or so to start maintaining or losing slower. Even I knew going lower than 80 could end badly.

Diana was actually surprisingly chill about the holidays. We both knew there was an oncoming binge soon, and hoped the little extra food might stave it off and satisfy cravings. See? She wasn’t all that bad.

The extra food put me in such a good mood that Robin and I began to hang out a bit actually. Robin was so happy to finally hang out again, but I could tell she still had problems with my body. She never brought it up though, so I’m guessing she learned her lesson from last time. There were a couple times she tried to urge some more calories onto my plate, but I silenced her in one glare. She was perfectly wrapped around my skinny, bony, beautiful finger.

My newest problem was my family getting on my back about it all actually. I normally wore baggy clothes and that covered up the bones just fine, but the lower I went the harder it was to hide, even with all the coverage. Dad tried to push some extra food outside of what I planned, but even he backed away when I shot a glare. Even my siblings were concerned. Bella actually caught me mid-purge once, but I faked being sick and she bought it. Jack was making jokes about it all, which was his way of showing he cared. They can worry all they want though, because the new Diane’s not getting off this beauty train.

*   *   *   *   *

For Christmas dinner we went to our grandparents in Quebec, which was a couple hours from where we lived in the outskirts of Toronto. I was actually excited to eat, because Grammy was only the best cook in the world. I had actually skipped breakfast and lunch to save the calorie allowance for dinner. Most regular food had started to lose its taste and was kind of bland to me, so her food was the flavor explosion I needed.

My grandparents were ecstatic to see my siblings and I because of how long it had been, rushing out the door to meet us in the driveway. They lived in a small but friendly neighborhood just outside the city. Grammy was about my height, but overweight, which disgusted Diana to no end, and had short gray hair that completed her gentle grandma look. Grampy was taller, thinner, and kept his hair neat, which had a few streaks of gray through it.

When we met up, they did the traditional grandparent welcome, which was pulling us all into hugs one at a time. The order was Bella, Jack, Dad, then finally me. I didn’t usually let people in my general personal space, but I let Grammy get away with it. It was Christmas after all. I could withstand the slight awkwardness.

“Oh I love seeing you all! It’s been too long since-” Grammy paused abruptly when she let me go, staring like she had seen a ghost. It only took me a second to process why. “Diane, look at you! You’re… you’re all bones!” she gasped.

“Merry Christmas…” I nervously laughed. I regret hugging her. She grabbed my sleeve and pulled it up to reveal the fatty arm that she apparently thought was skeletal. Oh, I was in for it now.

“Where’s the rest of you?!” she exclaimed, looking down my sleeve as if to find where the rest was. “Have you even eaten since I last saw you?! Grandchildren are supposed to grow, not wilt!”

“Mum, I think that’s enough,” Dad said, stopping her before an argument possibly broke out between us. “Diane’s been working on getting better. Right, honey?”

“Y-yeah,” I said, lying between my teeth.

“David! Look at your daughter, my granddaughter! Her bones are so prominent she could be a skeleton model! Just compare her to Bella and tell me she’s healthy!” She really wasn’t going to let it go.

Bella was a lot curvier than me, and carried a lot more fat too. Mind you, it was all in the right places and gave her basically a perfect hourglass figure. Not me though, I was flat all around. I wished I could carry any fat and not look ugly.

Dad tried to look over to Grampy for help, but he wouldn’t have any part of it. Grampy was a retired doctor, so he knew better than to say I was healthy.

“Sorry David, this is between you and your mother,” he sighed. “And what she said was true.”

“Guys,” I butted in. “I’m really fine-“

“I’m not hearing it,” Grammy said, eyes fiery. “Supper is ready, and someone here is getting well fed!”

Grammy put her arm around me and led me to my dinner seat before letting me go. My chair was right next to hers; probably so she could make sure I got what I apparently needed. She brought out food and before I could serve myself, began dumping food onto my plate. My wide eyes started down the mountain of food that was on mine, and everyone else’s plates. Why did people just gorge themselves on food during the holidays?!

“That should be enough to start, dear.” Grammy said. She really didn’t hold back. Potatoes, gravy, peas, carrots, turkey, ham, so much that I didn’t know where to start. 

I stared at my plate, shaking my head off. This was undoubtedly way over my calorie limit for the day. Maybe even two or three days! Gramma nudged me to try and make me eat, and I gave her a panicked look. The stares I could feel from Dad and Grampy weren’t helping either.

“Diane, eat.” Gramma said in a deathly serious tone.

I whimpered, and she rolled her eyes. The anger I could see in her from me not taking care of myself was the same one I had seen in Robin when we fought about it. Only she took it to the next level and grabbed my fork, scooped mashed potatoes onto it, and shoved it into my mouth.

“Mum!” Dad cried, jumping up from the table. Everyone was speechless. “What do you think you’re doing?!”

“Feeding my grandchild!” she said with burning zeal. “You all let her get away with starving herself, and I’m not standing for it here!”

She shoved a couple more bites of mashed potatoes forcefully into my mouth. This wasn’t the calm, sweet Grammy I had known!

“S-stop! Stop!” I cried with a mouthful of food. “I’ll eat, Grammy, just stop!”

“Good,” she said, apparently satisfied when I started hacking away at my plate on my own. I couldn’t get out of it.

“Who the hell does this woman think she is?! She shoved food right down your piehole! Absolute psychopath!”

For once I agreed with Diana without question. I knew I couldn’t keep this down, so I chewed everything well and kept track of the order. It was all coming back up later.

When I was about ¾ done with my plate, I groaned and pushed it away. I really couldn’t eat any more. I gave a sigh of relief that the nightmare was over. 

“You didn’t finish,” Grammy said, raising a brow.

“I’m full,” I replied, this time truthfully.

“No, no, no, I said you’d be well fed. You’re not well fed yet, so eat up.”

I gave a pleading face to my dad, who gave me a helpless one in return. I held back tears and kept eating. I wanted to pick what I wanted and have a reasonable amount, not eat the whole feast and have to purge it all up!

I was so glad to finish my meal when it was gone. But before I got up, Grammy set down a large slice of pie in front of me. I nearly cried, but had to keep it in and just eat, lest I make her have to shove pie down my throat.

“Pig!!! Pig!!! Pig!!! First you eat enough for supper to feed a whale and now you’re having dessert?! My god, you’re such a fucking fatty like those girls said!!!”

I held back tears and made it through the whole thing. When I was done I put my head down and felt my stomach, which I felt was grotesquely bloated and rock hard. I tuned out the talk of everyone else talking about how full they were. They didn’t have it as hard as me.

I was waiting for the table to be empty so I could make a break for the washroom and purge. I had to do it soon or else I risked calories getting absorbed. Minutes later, I felt an arm on my shoulder, and I lifted my head to see that only Grammy and I were left.

“How are you?” she asked softly.

I groaned.

“I’m sorry about earlier, sweetie, but your dad talked to your Grampy and I. I want to make sure you’re getting enough to eat.”

I groaned again.

“Are you just going to speak in moans now?” she chuckled.

“It hurts… so bad…”

“I know honey, but your stomach is probably smaller than it’s supposed to be. You have to eat more and stretch it a bit.”

I just groaned again. I really didn’t need another lecture about how I need to eat more and gain weight right now. It was making me feel too dizzy and queasy… Wait no, it wasn’t from nerves, just the massive avalanche of food I forced into my body. Oh well, I guess it saves me the trouble of purging myself.