In another couple of weeks I finally hit my goal! The number 95 on the scale made me so happy beyond explanation. Now I could just chill out and maintain my weight. I kinda hadn’t had my period in a while and I wasn’t sure if it was because of being underweight or not, but it worried me. But either way, I needed to chill out.

“You’re really satisfied with 95? That’s still such a high number; you know the girls will still make fun of you with a weight like that. I’d go 85 just to be safe.”

The voice still had an eerie point. Lucille and her friends could still easily make fun of me with all this fat I’m packing on! And they told me things now like how I didn’t deserve to eat. But 85lbs was just too low! I wouldn’t be able to reach it no matter how hard I tried.

“Just cut back more calories, idiot. 900 should do the job.”

Wait, 900 isn’t a lot of calories at all!

“Hey, I’m being generous with that estimate. I’d say lower if you were really serious, but I can just tell you’re not committed.”

How would I even eat only 900 calories? 

“Duh, just skip meals. Easy solution.”

There’s no way Robin wouldn’t notice. She would be furious with me for lying to her!

“Well it’s your body, not hers. She can do whatever to hers and you can do whatever to yours. At least you’re helping yourself with it.”

I’ll go to 90, but 85 is just too low. It’s probably dangerous for me, if I can even get that low.

“We’ll see how serious you really are about the new Diane then.”

Later that morning I went to get my usual fruit breakfast. But when I sat down with the food, something weird happened. I started shaking, and my heart beat faster. My eyes darted between the fruit, and it was like I was terrified of it! I knew I had to eat, and I wanted to, but I just couldn’t physically bring myself to do it.

“85lbs girls don’t need breakfast, sweetie. And they don’t do lunch either. You get 900 calories a day, so spend them well. You can spend 200 on a snack and save 700 in case Dad makes some high calorie dinner. 900 is your allowance, so don’t spend it all in one place.”

I felt terrified to eat now; it’s like my body wasn’t even my own. Every time I tried to touch my breakfast, I could only think about my new goal. Feeling like it was going to jump at me, I threw my breakfast in the trash; I just couldn’t do it. I did grab a quick something for lunch though. I had a problem with blood sugars dropping and I wanted to have something on hand just in case.

Unfortunately though, when lunch came and it was time for me to eat, I felt something grip my heart, like it was trying to pull me away from the food. I was shaking in my seat trying to take a bite of my wrap. I noticed it was getting slightly harder and harder to eat lately, but I hadn’t progressed anywhere dangerous, right?

“Diane?” Robin said, snapping me out of it. She had been staring at me really concerningly and I had tried my best to ignore it. “Are you okay?”

“Y-yeah,” I stammered. “W-why? What’s up?”

“It’s just that uh, you’re not eating your food. You’re just tearing it into smaller pieces.”

I didn’t even realize I had been ripping apart my lunch wrap. I sighed and put the pieces into the bag it came out of. No way I could eat that; it was trash now.

“What do you think you’re doing?!” Robin cried out. “You can’t just throw that out. You gotta eat something!”

“I-I… I can’t…” I sighed.

“What do you mean you can’t?”

“I just can’t make myself do it, alright? I don’t know why, but I just can’t do it!”

“Diane, what’s going on?” she asked, giving me an uncomfortably worried look. “I’m worried, like really worried.”

“Robin, it’s not that ba-”

“Diane, first it was losing a bunch of weight, and now you just can’t eat! I’m worried that you’re just going to drop next!”

I groaned and didn’t say anything. I was already tired from arguing with myself and not eating anything. I wrapped my arms around my grumbling stomach and put my head on the table. I felt sick to my stomach despite nothing being in there.

“Diane, talk to me.”

I let out another muffled groan.

“Come on Diane. You really look sick, which I know is from the lack of food, but talk to me here. You’re scaring me.”

I turned my head and looked her in the eyes. Her face shone clearly with massive amounts of worry, and it just made me feel worse. I felt so guilty that I began tearing up.

“I don’t know what’s wrong!” I sobbed. Robin, being the great friend she was, listened to me calmly and patiently. “I just wanted to be healthy, and now I can’t control myself! I can’t even make myself eat now!”

“Maybe it’s something to do with this ‘New Diane’ you talk about?” Robin sighed. “It’s obvious you’re scared of gaining any weight.”

“I know… but I can’t maintain myself anymore, I… I just need to go lower…”

“Diane, you need to talk to someone about this.” Robin said, holding my hand “I don’t think you know how bad it’s hurting you. I don’t like saying it, but therapy wouldn’t be a bad option…”

I nodded slowly, seeing that she logically had a point. Not that the voice in my head gave a damn about her logic. It was determined to see me drop lower, and I just couldn’t fight it, or tell anyone else about the plans. They might try to stop me or something, and I couldn’t handle that. I just had to go a bit lower to keep it happy…

“Are you going to be alright for today?” she asked. “I know you haven’t had much today.”

“Can’t, Robin,” I groaned. “I gotta go to Bio and Pre-Calc… gotta get good marks.”

“Look at the state you’re in,” Robin said, motioning to my body. “You’d be there, but hardly present. I’d just call your dad and go home.”

Well, I guess she was right. I wasn’t exactly going to remember anything if I had to learn something like this, and I did just want to go home. My exhaustion made me cave in.

“Alright, I’ll call home, but you don’t tell anyone about this, alright?”

“I won’t. Just eat something when you get home, ok? I don’t care what it is as long as it’s something.”

I agreed and called my dad. His workplace was really picky on when people could just take time off or leave, but I was lucky and he was on his way to come get me. Robin waited with me in the office until my dad picked me up.

“Are you feeling ok?” he asked on the way home. “You look a bit tired.”

“It’s just a few nights of bad sleep,” I lied.

“Well that sucks… Maybe we should get you some melatonin tablets.”

“No, no, don't worry. It’s fine,” I sighed. “Staying up doing schoolwork too much just makes me sleep bad. I’ll be better about that for the next few days.”

“If you say so. Just make sure to take care of yourself.”

When we got home, Dad dropped me off and got ready to go back out. He needed to go back to work, so he couldn’t just stick around.

“Go get some rest, alright?” Dad said, kissing my forehead. “And get something to eat too. You’re a bit cold and bony.”

As my dad left, I flopped myself into bed before remembering what I promised Robin. I really didn’t want to go get something, but I wasn’t a fan of breaking promises. So I hauled myself out of bed and to the kitchen, looking for something healthy and low-calorie. Even though I knew it was a bad idea, I find myself eyeing the junk food. Out of impulse, I grabbed a small fistful of gummy worms and ate them, which just made me crave more after my day of nothing. In no time, I found myself running between the kitchen and my room, each time with another handful of sweet, sugary, junk-food goodness. After about the sixth time, I froze in horror at the realization of what I was doing. I was binging. No, no, no!

“You pig! Look at yourself! This is why you don’t eat anything with sugar in it! Turns you into a disgusting animal!”

I broke down and started sobbing in the middle of the hallway. I messed up bad, and didn’t know what to do to get it out of my system. I figured exercise was my best bet, but even after eating so much pure sugar, I didn’t have any energy! I clawed my way up and migrated to the bathroom. I wanted to see how much damage I’d done in a day.

“Look at that damn gut you have now!” the voice sharply hissed. “After eating all that candy, you look like you could be pregnant!”

I started sobbing harder at the sight of my reflection; I was an eyesore. I hated myself and my body so much. It wasn’t slim or built how I wanted, my hair was thrown in a mess, and my eyes had enough bags to start a grocery store. My stomach was bloated from the binge, and it made me look deformed and wrong. Like a complete freak in my eyes.

“Purge it! Get rid of that shit you practically funneled down your throat!”

But… that’s not right! I can’t just throw it back up!

“Oh, and those girls won’t definitely call you fat when you go to school like that?! Get rid of it, or face the consequences. Your choice.”

I caved in. Hard. My gaze switched from the mirror to the toilet, and I knelt down in front of it. I closed my eyes and shoved my fingers down my throat, not caring how bad the stomach acid stung coming up. All I cared about was keeping myself how I wanted. I wanted to keep the new Diane.