As I predicted, my diligence and careful control over myself led to me reaching my goal in about a month. On the cold November morning, I flew out of bed, excited by the thought of weighing myself. I weighed myself last night and saw that I was so close to my goal, so I launched myself into the washroom and threw up my hair so I could hop on the scale.

My smile crept wide as I gasped at the scale. I had actually landed a tad under my goal, and I nearly squealed from excitement. Sometimes things like that happened, where I’d plateau for a few days, then lose a couple pounds or so in one go. Excitedly, I hopped off the scale and started getting ready. It was only 7am, and my day was already perfect from achieving my goal! Seeing those double-digits made me feel a new level of happiness, and now all I had to do was maintain it. Should be a piece of cake! Well, without eating cake, that is.

“You know, dropping another five pounds or so would feel so nice.”

A chilling voice scraped the back of my mind. I’d heard it cheer me on when I had been dropping the pounds before, but this was the first time it had been so clear… The most unsettling part was that it didn’t even sound like me.

“Do you think those girls could make fun of us at 95 pounds? You’ll feel so light, so thin, those beauty school dropouts will eat their hearts out!”

I thought about how enticing 95 lbs sounded, like I could survive off the thought alone. I definitely shouldn’t go any further than that. Robin would freak out so bad, and I noticed that I was definitely changing. I was just… bonier than usual. Not really gaunty or anything, but just noticeable.

“Bony?! Please, it’s all in your head. Just keep doing what you’re doing and you’ll be healthy, that’s what.”

I rolled my eyes. I wasn’t going to let the nasty voice ruin my day like that. With newfound energy from the weigh-in, I breezed through my morning routine whilst pondering my 95lbs goal. It seemed like a bad idea on one hand, but also like such a joy, like reaching for a forbidden fruit. As I made my way to school I decided on it though. 95 lbs and not a gram lower. I wasn’t going to put my health at risk because of some stupid bullies.

I tried to put the goal out of my head for the rest of the day, but failed. How could I? It was so satisfying to plan out my day! Every meal, every bite, every calorie, all under my control! I’ll admit that I’d become a bit obsessed with food, but the planning made me keep control and achieve my goals. After all, this new Diane is going to have to be an organized one to get what she wants.

*   *   *   *   *

The day was almost over and Robin and I were in Biology class. We just had some busy work, so we were filling out a lab sheet that had to do with our frog dissection last week. When I took a second to look up from my lab report, I saw Robin giving me this really concerned stare.

“Is uh, something up?” I asked, worried she might be stressed from them not having enough money. When her dad was stressed, she also did.

“Uh, yeah.” she replied like it was obvious.

“What’s wrong? Is it about money or your dad?”

“Huh? No, no… everything’s fine at home… Really good, actually, Dad got a promotion. I’m just worried… about you.”

“What? What’s wrong with me?” I asked, worried that I might’ve had something on my face or in my hair.

“It’s just that um… Are you feeling alright?”

“Yeah, never better. Why?”

“It’s just… are you sure?” she asked again. The way she looked super worried freaked me out. “It’s just… have you lost weight?”

“Um, yeah, maybe a bit.” I admitted.

“Define… a bit,” she said with an even more worried expression.

“Well ah, about 10 pounds maybe? It’s not that much, I promise.”

“Diane, that’s not just a little!” she exclaimed as quietly as she could. I could tell she was trying to keep it quiet, but was massively worried. I regret saying anything, because now she’d just be stressed out over me. “You’re already underweight! Do you know what that means?!”

“Listen, Robin, don’t worry. The healthy eating just made my body have a new set weight. Over time I’ll probably even gain some from it.”

That wasn’t a whole lie, but it was only a half truth. I only kept my old weight because I ate a lotta junk, and I was definitely getting a calorie deficit from only eating the healthy stuff. Not that I counted calories or wanted to. We had all heard about the dangerous and obsessive paths some people went down and would develop things like anorexia or bulimia. Had a whole Health class unit, and it scared the shit out of me. I didn’t want to become that.

“Just please don’t let yourself fall further under,” begged Robin. “I don't have a problem with a healthy lifestyle, but you’ve got to eat more.”

I reluctantly sighed, having to admit she was right in a way. When I hit my new goal, I’d definitely eat more to maintain. I wasn’t intentionally eating less, it’s just that I don’t normally eat much anyway. 

“I guess you’re right,” I sighed into a nervous laugh. “Maybe I am getting a bit too bony for my tastes.”

“Hey, let’s go out to this new vegan restaurant for supper.” Robin offered with a small smile. “It’s supposed to be nice, healthy, and tasty. I just want to make sure you get a good meal in.”

“I thought I was supposed to be the friend who takes care of you.” I said, rolling my eyes.

“We take care of each other,” she giggled. “Now come on, are you in or not?”

“Yeah,” I nodded. “Sounds nice.”

“Thanks. Just please, don’t let your weight drop any more, alright? You’re perfect the way you are already.”

“I’m not planning on going any lower.” I said. You know, like a bold-faced liar. I was getting to 95lbs no matter what; it was just a couple pounds away after all. Nobody would notice.

*   *   *   *   *

Two weeks later, I was standing on the scale frustrated out of my mind. I had lost the previous weight so fast, but now I could hardly lose half a pound in a couple weeks! I didn’t know what I was doing wrong and I was getting desperate.

“Maybe if you counted those calories you’d know exactly what to do! Should be easy for someone so damn amazing at math!”

The voice in my mind had been telling me that my solution was to keep track of my calories and monitor myself closer, and I think it had a point. I knew weight loss was just burning more calories than you were taking in, and I burned about 1600 calories a day, so I just had to make sure I was eating less than that. Simple math. Out of dangerous curiosity, I downloaded a calorie counting app and put in everything I ate that day.

After putting everything in the calorie counter, I found out that I had eaten about 1500 calories that day. Well no wonder I wasn’t losing anything! My calorie deficit was practically nothing! Maybe tracking them was the best option. It couldn’t be too dangerous; athletes do it all the time, right? It’s not like I’ll let it get out of hand anyway. I promised to stop at 95 lbs.

“I think, let’s see… 1200 calories a day? You’ll get to 95 lbs in no time!”

Yeah, it had a good point. 1200 was still a reasonable amount, especially with eating all the healthy fruits and vegetables. All I had to do was keep a tight rein on myself and count my calories, and I’d be at my goal in no time at all!

“Yes! Let’s get you slim and beautiful! You’ll be the healthiest girl in the whole town!”

And so I found my new method to get myself down to 95 lbs. I couldn’t wait for the morning I would weigh myself and meet the goal. Between rapidly achieving my goals and the voice giving me insight, things were looking up for the new and improved Diane.