TW: Mild Anxiety Attack

Summer comes and the team excitedly plans a trip to the beach. When Gerald says, “you’re going, aren’t you?” Ray can’t decide on what he wants. 

He settles for saying, “I’ll think about it.” Gerald looks disappointed but accepts the answer. 

Ray wants to go. He likes the feel of sand between his toes and the smell of saltwater in the wind. The accident had taken many things from him—one of which was his self-confidence. Keeping entirely covered up at the beach is a harder feat than people think.

Ultimately, it’s Evans who unknowingly convinces him to go. They’re having one of the weekly study sessions—sans Gerald who had a lab session to make up—when Evans asks, “Are you going for summer break?” He’s not working on anything, just lazing on the couch, and fiddling with his phone. Ray isn’t clear on why he’s here, but he appreciates the company.

Ray looks up from the physics calculations he had been half-heartedly working on. “Um,” he says eloquently. He had not yet thought up a suitable answer since Gerald first asked.

“Everyone’s confirmed except you, I think. Even I’m going. You should come, it’ll be fun!” Evans watches him hopefully. 

“Okay,” Ray says dumbly. It’s only after he speaks that he realises what he’s agreed to: a bunch of fit and shirtless young men living it up at the beach…including Evans. Granted, he’s seen all his teammates naked at some point on account of the whole swimming thing. But Evans is the one he likes, dare he say ‘crush’ on and the one whose shirtless body will probably also be parading around the shore dripping with seawater. Ray swallows. Sex…has always been a thing that other people did. Not him. Of course, Ray had watched porn and read erotica. He found himself gravitating towards men more than women, but sex was just a concept for someone like him, a person who could not take off his shirt without having a panic attack. And now, he’s agreed to go to the beach in the summer where people are practically naked all the time. “I don’t think—” he starts.

Evans smiles brightly at him. “It’ll be good to hang out when we aren’t studying! See what you’re like when you’re having fun.”

“Right.” What if Evans finds out he isn’t fun? This is a terrible mistake, but wild horses couldn’t get him to retract his participation anymore. Damn Evans and his green, green eyes.

~

They charter a bus to take them to the coast. Up until the beginning of their trip, Ray packs and unpacks and packs his bag again. It’s what makes him last to the bus. When he climbs on, Evans is already there, seated at the back with Gerald and Zane; they are talking excitedly. Evans waves as Ray takes the empty seat at the front; when he turns back, Evans is already looking away. He squashes the discomfiting disappointment in his chest and takes his seat.

It’s a noisy ride. No one can contain their excitement; no one except Ray, whose thoughts spiral the closer they get to their destination. He can’t help it. The bus ride is at least two hours long and while sitting in the front leaves him in the most peaceful section of the vehicle, it also leaves him no distraction from overthinking. He’s mildly nauseous from the anxiety of having to show skin—accidentally if not on purpose. 

Ray is first out the bus when it stops. He finds a trashcan on the other side of the parking lot to dry heave into and gives himself a few moments to calm down before he goes back. His bag is waiting at Evans’ feet. 

“Hey,” Evans calls out. “Your bag’s here.” He gestures at his feet from afar. Ray wipes his mouth with the back of his hand to clear any trace of spit left. 

“Thanks,” he says. 

Evans squints at him. “Are you okay? You look pale.”

“I’m fine,” Ray says. Evans looks doubtful. “Motion sickness,” he lies.

The expression on Evans’ face clears. “Oh,” he digs out a water bottle from his bag. “Here, water might help.” Ray takes it. 

As expected, everyone except him is half-naked as soon as they drop their stuff at the chalet they rented and headed straight for the beach. No one mentions Ray’s long sleeves or invites him into the water. He sits alone on the blanket and watches half his friends split off to start a game of volleyball while the rest jump into the water. Everyone is having fun and he wonders why he thought he could do this.

Gerald, who had been complaining endlessly about the heat since they arrived, is happily splashing around in the ocean, heckling at the guys to do a race. Evans is with them. Ray is too far away to hear them speak, but he can see when Evans says something to Gerald that makes the rest of the guys line themselves up. He shouts and they dive in. Evans stands at the edge of the water. 

“Ray, come on,” he shouts. “The water’s perfect!” 

It’s hot and Ray wants to go into the water. He really does. At the same time, he doesn’t feel brave enough to do so without his shirt. But Evans is shirtless and beckoning, and Ray has begun to find it distressingly difficult to deny this man lately. He walks towards Evans. 

“Are you coming into the water all dressed?” Evans asks confusedly. “Come on, the water will feel good.” He knew Ray was pretty shy, but he’d had no idea Ray was this shy. The poor man looked terrified. Evans wonders why; whatever it is, he intends to show Ray that it doesn’t matter. Ray is already cute. And kinda sexy in a shy way. Evans is hopeful that this trip will be the one where he works up the courage to ask Ray out. 

“R-right,” says Ray. He fumbles with the buttons of his shirt. The sweat dripping down his back isn’t from the heat. Ray is only halfway across the sand, and he doesn’t know what he would do if Evans reacted badly to the scarring. It’s ugly. But he lets the fabric slip off his shoulders anyway, fingers clenched as it hangs from his fist. He takes a few steps closer to Ray, trying to keep his head up and not cross his arms in front. Evans is still waiting expectantly, no disgust in his eyes. It’s what keeps Ray moving forward. 

“What happened to him, mummy?” The curious voice of a child. 

“Don’t point. It’s rude,” answers his mother as she pulls the boy away. 

Ray’s spine stiffens painfully. It’s an innocent interaction that happened behind him and lasted all of five seconds, but the two hours of “motion sickness” comes rushing back in an instant. He steps back. Vaguely, he can hear Evans calling his name, but all Ray can think of is hiding. The shirt in his hand is clumsily pulled on and buttoned. Ray’s neck feels warm. Right now, he needs to put an appropriate amount of distance between Evans and himself or he’s going to have a full-blown anxiety attack again. 

~

As soon as Ray had taken off his clothing, it became obvious what was bothering him. It was shocking to see and certainly unexpected, but Evans knew it was a matter of getting used to the reality instead of the smooth skin he had fantasised about. Evans had been prepared to smile anyway. But then it was equally obvious what made Ray run away yet again—even though he couldn’t hear, he could guess what the gossipy pair had talked about behind Ray’s back. 

He tries to give Ray a few minutes to himself and manages about half of that before he’s brisk walking in the direction he had left. Evans keeps an eye out for Ray’s specific shade of dirty blonde and eventually finds him sitting alone on a bench. He’s got his head in his hands and Evans hesitates to approach. There’s a vending machine just to the side, so he buys two bottles of something cold and isotonic.

“You keep running away from me,” he says casually as he approaches. The drinks are held out in offering when Ray looks up. His eyes are slightly glazed, and Evans can see that Ray is on the verge of an anxiety attack. “Drink this,” he says, and cracks open a bottle. Ray drinks, slow sips turning to steady gulping. “Are you alright?” Evans asks. 

Ray nods.

Evans huffs in amusement. “You’re a bad liar. You wanna talk about it?”

Ray shakes his head. 

“Okay. How about a hug?” Evans offers. 

There’s a pause as Ray looks at him with wide, surprised eyes. Evans will take that over fear any day. He gets a slow nod from Ray and obligingly opens his arms, waiting for Ray to decide when he’s ready for that hug. He’s like a skittish animal, thinks Evans. And everyone knew that the best way to earn trust was to be patient, so he waited. Ray shifted across the bench until he was somewhat surrounded by Evans’ outstretched arms, but not yet touching. He hovered there timidly. Evans figured he’d have to close the final gap. Gently, he closed one arm over Ray’s shoulders, pulling him in. Ray tensed. He held them there, the other arm a loose band over the middle of Ray’s back. 

“It’s okay,” he murmurs. Ray’s forehead rests on Evans’ shoulder while Evans’ chin is tucked over Ray’s shoulder. “Whatever it is, it’s okay.”

He keeps them there until Ray relaxes in his hold. Evans tightens his arms then, holding Ray flush against his chest. 

It’s nice. Ray is warm and mostly pliant even with the odd seating position. His hands have come up behind Evans’ back and Evans is quite enjoying one of the best hugs he’s given.

When Ray pulls away, Evans lets go reluctantly. 

“You don’t even know what’s wrong with me,” Ray looks away. 

Evans tips his chin up so he can look into Ray’s dark eyes. “It doesn’t matter what you think is wrong with you. You’re my friend, that means I care about you, and I want you to be comfortable.” 

“Can I have another hug?” Ray says in a small voice. 

This time, Evans pulls him into his lap. Ray fits perfectly. “Of course,” he answers. “Always.” Ray is completely relaxed in his arms. “I need to tell you something,” Evans clears his throat. “I like you. I know it’s weird that I’m saying this while we’re embracing, but I couldn’t not say anything since we’re hugging. I was going to tell you at a more appropriate time?”

Ray leans back to see Evans’ face. His arms are still around Evans’ neck. “You like me, like how?”

“Like take you out to dinner and kiss you under the moonlight like you.” Evans can feel his cheeks turn pink. “No pressure though. Only if you also want that too. You can say no, it won’t change our friendship.”

“I—”

“Whatever it is that you’re worried about, you don’t have to tell me or show me unless you’re ready. And if you’re never ready, then that’s okay too,” he adds in a rush. 

“Okay,” says Ray. “Let’s do it.”