A few days later

The street was empty and poorly illuminated, in an area of Rainhill in which he never hanged out. Asa parked his car on the side of the street, in front of a couple of closed shops. He quickly checked his phone, looking for any text from the man he was supposed to meet up with.

Ben: On my way :), the notification said.

He was about to take his pack of cigarettes out of the pocket, to smoke one while waiting, when he saw a figure on the sidewalk heading in his direction. The man stopped a few feet from the car and after a few seconds, raised his arm in a hesitant greeting.

Revie didn’t make the effort to get out of the car and rolled down the window halfway. He watched the man take two steps forward, under the yellowish light of a street lamp. Taller than him, hidden in a dark blue coat, he had ginger short hair and a neat beard on his face, which he seemed to have well trimmed for the occasion.

“Are you Asa?”

He nodded, releasing a disappointed sigh. Once again, the pictures that had been sent to him in the chat were false. He was the same person, but at least ten years older.

"You are not thirty-two years old", he commented in a gentle tone.

"You're right...", the man smiles in response, as he did nothing bad, and rested his arms against the door. "I didn't think it was a problem for you to date an older man - does a few more years make such a difference?"

“Makes no difference.” He closed the window, inviting the man to join him in the car with a casual hand movement. It wouldn’t have been be the first time he had slept with a man of his father's age and probably not the last either. Ben, or at least that's what he had said his name was, opened the door and took a seat next to Revie.

As the guy reached for the car keys to start the car, he felt the man placing a hand on his forearm. He looked at him, almost petrified by that contact. Under the sleeve of his own jacket, he felt the cuts pulsing.

"But you are nineteen, right?" he asked. "I mean, you're not underage."

Revie strained a smile, nodding in response. "Sure. You seem nervous, Ben."

Ben almost laughed, lowering his gaze to his own nervous hands resting on the tights. "I've never done it this way. Meeting up with a guy after a few texts on a dating app. It seems too easy."

"There's no catch. I want what you want," and leaned close to the man's ear to whisper into his hair. "Having some fun."

Ben stared at him for a few seconds, as he was enchanted, and Revie compose himself back on the seat.

"You're really pretty," he commented.

Asa smiled, but he didn't actually care about the compliment. It was late in the evening, almost eleven o'clock. He had run away from an night out with friends with the excuse he had to study, in order to be there. He had tried to ignore the voices in his head, the impatient thoughts, but they were so insistent and loud that he could no longer follow any conversation. All he could think about was that he felt broken and needed to have sex to push the thoughts out of his head.

You need it, you need it, you need it, youneedit.

It always worked and his head was silent right after his encounters. For a short time, sometimes too short, but he craved those brief hours or minutes of relief like the richest of treasures.

"Hotel or parkin?" Asa asked, in a calm, composed tone. Actually, his legs were shaking and his heart was racing in his throat, as every time he allowed a stranger into his life for a couple of hours, a stranger he would have show himself naked and fragile to, a stranger who could be a good guy, but also a person who would hurt him permanently.

"Excuse me?"

"Do you want to get a hotel room or do you want to fuck in the car?" he asked, almost irritated by having to repeat himself.

"We could have a drink and get to know each other a little bit and then think about where we could-"

The guy interrupted him abruptly. "Do you think this is a romantic date? Maybe you don’t understand. We go somewhere private and you fuck me. The end. No flirting, no getting to know each other, none of that shit."

Ben was silent for a few seconds, watching him.

"I can see you’re a mature guy that knows what he wants," he said.

 "Yeah," Asa smiled. "I know what I want." He wasn't sure that was meant to be a positive comment.

The idea of having a forty-year-old man next to him, aroused about the idea of sleeping with a twenty-year-old disgusted him. Yet he was going to be the 20-year-old protagonist of the man's fantasies, and he wasn't going to back out. You need it!, the voices in his head were still screaming.

"We could find a parking space and stay in the car," the man finally said, breaking the silence.

"Great," he replied, and without any hesitation he started the car.

***

The parking was empty, next to an abandoned building in the Rainhill industrial area. No one was going to drive in that place, especially late at night. He often ended up there for his secret meetings, or to a motel just outside of town. Although he lived alone, he had never intended to invite anyone to his house for occasional sex. He could imagine some obsessed men showing up at his place to see him one more time. There was hardly ever a second time with him, rarely a third, never a fourth.

In the backseat, the man started kissing him on the neck and caressing his legs, with a gentleness he was not used to, as if he was afraid of breaking him. Within seconds, Revie could already see the boner growing through his pants. He couldn't tell if the attention made him feel important or if he was just disgusted with himself. He leaned toward the man to unzip his pants, but was interrupted quickly.

 "What?"

"Let's take it easy, okay?" Revie rolled his eyes and let go a sigh, then nodded. "Is this your first time?"

Asa chuckled. "If the idea of being my first time turns you on, pretend it is."

Ben smiled with a gentleness he did not understand. Did he feel pity for him? "Can I kiss you?"

Revie stared at him for a couple of seconds before answering. "Okay." Gross.

He leaned to rest his lips against the man's and went along with his kiss for a few seconds. The feeling of the beard against his chin made him upset.

"I like you a lot. You're almost feminine - I like guys like you."

"Can we undress now?", he asked, pretending he didn’t hear that.

"Are you always this impatient?"

"Fucking strip now", he insisted, and Ben seemed to find it arousing. He kissed him again roughly and Revie found his head pressed against the window. The clothes slipped off one by one, thrown under the seats, until they were both left with only their underwear and a T-shirt on. Ben removed that off, too, but Revie, as always, kept it on to hide the cuts and scars.

 "Do you want me to do something with my mouth or we just fuck?", he asked, directly.

"Are you passive?" the man asked hesitantly, as he found asking that question embarrassing.

"I am whatever turns you on the most," he smiled and pretended he didn’t feel like he wanted to burst into tears after those words.

He just needed to have sex. He really needed it.