As told by Nathan Dillon

He chose me.

Eli chose me.

I was sitting in a crowded diner, so noisy I could hardly hear myself think, and the waiter was asking for my order again. My girlfriend looked deadly pissed and more than ready to rip me a new one, and my best friend had just fled a tense exchange with her to go hide in some dude’s apartment.

There were so many things that direly required my immediate attention, and I couldn’t devote a single brain cell to any of them. Eli chose me. That was the mantra that absorbed every inch of my mind. It was stuck in my head like a catchy song, with the persistence of a string of invasive thoughts in the dead of a bad night.

I was no stranger to that outcome, to be honest. That was not the first time that a boyfriend had gotten jealous of me and presented Eli with an ultimatum, and every single time, Eli had chosen me.

I had prevailed over each and every single one of them, but the list of defeated rivals was nothing to write home about. If anything, it confused me to no end. On one hand, I was obviously happy and proud of being his priority when shit went down, but on the other hand, I kept wondering why on Earth he would go out with them instead of giving me a chance in the first place. Was I less desirable as a partner than those scumbags? That dreadful question had been eroding my weak self-esteem for years.

I know I sound biased. I probably am, and I would have been the first to doubt my judgment if other people hadn’t felt the same way I did. Eli's grandparents, his coworkers, and even Lex shared the same opinion: his taste in men was pathologically bad. Man, he had the most unfortunate dating history.

I remember all of them distinctly, because of the deep-rooted urge to punch them in the face that wouldn’t go away even after Eli was done with them.

Martin was the first. Martin would cheat and then come up with the most insane excuses. He claimed a very visible hickey after a night out was authored by his best friend as a prank. He showed up ridiculously late to a breakfast date claiming he had gone to buy his mother a new washing machine, hours before the opening time of the department store he supposedly visited. He swore that a string of d-picks from random unidentified numbers belonged to his little cousins, who were trying to mess with him “as kids do.” His bullshit was so blatant that I’m surprised Eli didn’t kick his ass after the second date. Despite his actions, the guy surprisingly lost it when he came over to pick Eli up for a date, and I opened the door. It was early; I had stayed over for Game Night. Nothing happened, but the dude saw my bedhead and threw a tantrum right there on the porch. Eli got to the front door just in time to hear Martin demanding him to kick me out of the house immediately. I had never seen a door slammed so hard before in my life. We heard a crack and more screaming. We didn’t stay to check if the door had smashed his nose; it was time for breakfast.

Angelo followed. He seemed to be a pretty decent fellow until Eli discovered that he had a girlfriend on the side. As if that wasn’t bad enough, we also found out that the girl knew Angelo’s parents and friends, she had been his date to weddings and office parties, and was to be the godmother of his newborn nephew. Finding out you’re being cheated on is nothing compared to realizing you were the side piece all along. The cute thing about Angelo is that when faced with the incriminating evidence, he tried to justify himself by stating that Eli shouldn’t complain, as he himself had someone on the side all along, and Angelo claimed to believe that their relationship was based on the unspoken agreement that each of them was simultaneously dating other people. Apparently, the dynamics between Eli and me had convinced him of this weak-ass statement, and he of course declared that if Eli wanted to have him exclusively, he should first let me go. Needless to say, he declined the offer.

David was next. Ah, what a fine specimen of a pure-bred douchebag. He was ill-tempered and rude, the kind of turd who mistreats servers and parks in handicap spots. However, he was at least honest; he never made the slightest effort to hide his dislike of me. He would complain when I tagged along with them, or if Eli made plans with me, and when he found out about our Game Night sleepovers, he explicitly forbade Eli to let me stay the night. It was a very, very short relationship, but the guy couldn’t let go. He would go to Eli’s office, follow him home, show up at his door at odd hours. It got to the point where Eli’s grandparents were pushing him to get a restraining order. It didn’t go as far as that, fortunately. David made the huge mistake of stalking Eli after one of his ballet classes. When Lex spotted him, he chased him down for twenty blocks. The guy had to jump into a cab to escape the ass-beating of a lifetime, and we never saw him again.

I used to blame Eli’s youth and inexperience for those assholes, but his choices didn’t improve as the years went by and we grew older and supposedly wiser.

I had to politely smile my way through James, who would cry on Eli's voicemail for hours every time we spent time together. Albert, who went behind Eli’s back to have a heart-to-heart with me in an effort to convince me to stop talking to him. Jake, the gym freak obsessed with working out, who could never stomach the idea of Eli hanging out with Lex and me because we were “bigger” than him and it made him feel insecure. Jonathan, who didn’t believe in platonic friendships and was absolutely convinced that Eli and I were doing it behind his back. Sam, who was unusually friendly to me and later on got obsessed with the idea of us all having a threesome. Peter, who was grossed out by the age difference between Eli and me and accused him of grooming me, even though we met in elementary school and are only three years apart. Ron, who loudly accused me of trying to sabotage their relationship while we were having brunch at Darcy’s. For my birthday.

And then Alec came along.

Nice, kind, sweet, annoyingly flawless Alec. I perceived his arrival into our lives as a sign from the Universe.

It happened two years ago. Eli was back in town from college for the holidays. After a lifetime of playing chicken, I had finally gathered enough courage to tell him how I felt and ask him out. I called him on my way to his place, but I was two minutes too late. Alec had called first, and Eli was on his way to what would turn out to be a perfect first date with a perfect guy on a lovely Christmas morning.

Two minutes. If only I hadn’t stopped to tie my shoelaces.

Alec took full advantage of the sharp contrast with his crappy predecessors. He was genuinely interested in Eli, and it was easy to tell he was making his best efforts to break down his many walls. He earned the approval of Eli’s grandparents. He met and bonded with his coworkers. He was patient with Eli’s abundant relationship baggage and took his time to prove himself.

He tried to befriend me. Like, he truly, really tried. It was commendable, really, because he was as wary of me as all the others had been. When we met over the compulsory meet-and-greet brunch at Darcy’s, I could tell he was carefully assessing my place and role in Eli’s life. He was friendly and absolutely charming, but observant. He ate his waffles with a smile and clearly decided that no matter how you looked at it, any successful strategy required having me as an ally. From that day on, he made sure to reach out to me and make clear that he acknowledged my seniority in Eli’s life and that I was always welcome in their relationship.

I wish he hadn’t. Poor guy.

Eli was thrilled by his welcoming stance toward me and made the most of it. I was formally invited to most of their dates. Whenever they went on a trip or a couple’s getaway, I would tag along. Alec’s “guy night” with his friends was permanently rescheduled to Friday nights, so Eli and I could keep on enjoying our usual Game Nights undisturbed. To this day, I’m pretty certain that “guy night” didn’t exist, and that Alec simply sucked it up for our sake. I was always a priority in Eli’s schedule. I was always there.

Alec was a saint about it. I did my best to be friends with him, to show him that I was not a threat. I admit that in the past I had my petty asshole moments. I would flaunt my closeness with Eli in front of the dirtbags. But I didn’t have it in me when it came to Alec. The guy was too good. Sincerely good.

But even the sweetest honey bee stings when it’s cornered, and Alec eventually started marking his territory. He was kind about it, though. He wouldn’t antagonize me nor badmouth me. He simply took every chance to subtly categorize me as what I, unfortunately, was: Eli’s “adoptive” little brother.

He’d highlight our age difference with college talk, which would naturally deviate into questions about my plans for the future once I was up for higher education. He’d made us talk about our childhood together, and fixate on the anecdotes where Eli played a big brother role in my life. He even mentioned how their kids would be lucky to have me as a cool, young uncle someday.

And Eli bought it. Enthusiastically. If anything, Alec’s strategy threw the true nature of our relationship into our faces. Even if we maybe had been on the verge of changing that nature here and there, recalling how Eli taught me how to read in English using cute sticker books was enough to kill anyone’s emotional boner. I felt gross for harboring the feelings I had. And Eli made a sort of regression to the past and became more protective and tender towards me.

I conceded my defeat. They were well into their second year together and showed no signs of breaking up.  I was certain they’d get married. I gave up, swallowed my heartache, got myself a girlfriend, and began thinking about how to properly utter my best man's toast at my big bro's wedding without tearing up.

And then, the unthinkable happened.

I couldn’t for the life of me imagine what on Earth could have possessed Alec to throw the classic ultimatum at Eli. It was grossly out of character. There wasn’t any kind of competition anymore. Once I noticed that he was gently trying to establish boundaries without pushing me away, I myself put some distance between myself and them. I stopped joining them on their dates; I excused myself when they invited me on their monthly trips. I even canceled Game Night a couple of times to give them the chance to spend the entire weekend together.

So why had he done that?

I’m certain that if he had presented the ultimatum differently, there was a very good chance that Eli might have agreed to it. Not cutting me off entirely, of course, but maybe setting whatever boundaries Alec needed to be comfortable. They had a strong, healthy relationship after all. They communicated well.

That was what got to me. Eli loved him enough to actually make the effort. He would have tried at least to make it work.

But he had been forced to choose. And this time it was not an easy choice; it was not dearest friend versus scumbag. This time it was childhood friend versus happily ever after with the perfect soulmate. Stagnant relationship with little brother figure versus the one person who could give him everything he ever wanted. A future. Marriage. Children. The kind of love he always sighed about.

And even before Alec– nice, kind, sweet, flawless Alec, he had chosen me.

“Nathan, are you listening? Come back to Earth, for God’s sake!”

I flinched.

I suddenly remembered where I was. My immediate context slapped me in the face. I shook my head and made an effort to smile.

“Sorry, Mandy. I spaced out. What were you saying?”