August 1^st – 7:15 P.M.

Today I had a coffee, I don’t even like coffee – but at the time it felt appropriate I suppose. I don’t interact with my coworkers much, but when I do … well, when in Rome, I guess.

I should back up a bit. I work in the Water Management Department for Redspring as a water quality field tester. Normally it’s a fairly solitary job; we’re assigned several sites around the city and surrounding watersheds to maintain record of and since there aren’t many of us, we’re usually on our own. I don’t mind it, honestly. I prefer the solitude, most of my spots are further from the city to keep track of runoff from the surrounding sand and iron mines and the open air and space are a nice break from the claustrophobic grey of the city. I could do without the green though, I used to love the color growing up – supposedly it’s the most relaxing on your eyes and do I have weak eyes. But guess things change.

As such, I don’t see my work associates much beyond submitting reports to my supervisor. As much as I might like this setup, my supervisor has different ideas and insists that every now and then we all participate in a team building social activity. Thankfully, they’re not nearly as elaborate as some of the other departments’ activities. I have heard for that the accounting group loves to do karaoke parties.

I suppose that’s as good as any reason not to be in that department.

Anyway, today was one of those days and it was decided that we’d just do a simple get together at a local coffee shop. Thankfully, the designated coffee shop was located on the outskirts of the city – due to a request I had put in a few years back and now have come to regret. Pulling up to the shop the others were already gathered and chatting around the entrance. Seeing me, my supervisor Andy waves me over and gives me a wink. I know what’s coming.

“Isn’t this a nice view?”

Its what she asks me every time.

As usual, I simply gave her a polite smile and thanked her for accommodating me. I know the others have a pet-theory that the whole fuss is about the white ivory tower of our city. Which is bogus, that tower stands so far above the rest of the skyline I think the only place where you could get away from it would be at its base. While not prominent, the ivory tower was still arrogantly peering over the surrounding high-rises its gaze still keeping watch over us as we entered the shop.

The real reason for the request was that the shops on the outskirts of the city tend to be less crowded – a bit smaller sure, but the lack of people usually makes up for it. Today was not my day, there was enough of a line that Breonna started to engage me in small talk. I don’t mind talking with Breonna, it’s not as exhausting as it is with most others but after going through the standard questions and answers of how we were doing and how our assigned water was doing things fell silent. Eventually the silence ended with her turning away and joining in with the conversation the others were having. I simply gazed at the ivory tower as it stared back. The others weren’t talking about anything real special, just more bad news about sand mining: islands reportedly disappearing on the other side of the world, the ‘real’ scientists of the ivory tower dismissing the validity of the ‘Sand Crunch’, and that poor journalist that was found dead in a creek southeast of the city.

I know this already; I had found that journalist. A real shame too – it ruined one of my favorite testing spots.

There’s a site down the Fiddlehead Creek where the water gently bubbles over a small cropping of rocks forming a miniature waterfall. A fallen ash tree makes for a good bench. Sometimes I simply like to sit on that log, gaze into the distance and listen to the water. I’ve been dreaming a bit about a story. That was taken from me for a good month while police investigations took place.

I’m not sure why I ordered the coffee. Normally, I go with a chai tea. I grew up drinking barley tea like water and I’m not fond of the bitter taste of coffee. Also, it’s not like I’m the only person who doesn’t drink coffee out of our group, Breonna is ride or die for hot chocolate. I ended up ordering one of those fancy coffees too, an iced apple caramel something or the other. I guess I kinda knew I didn’t want the coffee and was hoping the other flavors would cover up the coffee flavor. Perhaps it was that listening to the others talk always puts me in a weird mood, I always feel like it’s as if I’m peering through a window watching a family just live their private lives. It feels scummy somehow. Perhaps ordering the coffee made it feel like I could be invited in.

Sure, they noticed. Douglas slapped me on the shoulder saying that I was one of them now – I guess it made me happy. He did ask me why I went for the iced apple, and I just replied something along the lines of ‘I don’t know, it just came out’. He replied with ‘Yep, that’s our B.’ I’m not sure what that meant, especially since the conversation ended there…

Kristen and Breonna started digging at each other as Kristen tried to convince Breonna of the many marvels of coffee, especially if I had fallen to the sway of coffee. Breonna shot me a glance as we sat down and asked me ‘how’s that peer pressure taste?”

Then it ended and things went to normal. Andy left to take care of some things at the office, the others chatted, and I politely choked on my coffee.

I’m not sure I understand how they do it. Watching them makes it seem so easy to be friends, maybe there’s something about me that’s just off putting. Sure, I liked the validation I was ‘one of them’ from Douglas, but if I have to constantly be someone else to get it, I don’t know …

Besides, looking back I wonder if he really meant it, or if making that statement was just the ‘thing to do’. Akhu was entertaining the others with stories of his recent spelunking adventures while they joked that his stories were just exaggerations of his sewer water testing expeditions when Kristen started talking something about a tabletop RPG game and caves when Breonna quickly shushed her. I could feel their eyes on me and the heat off Kristen’s blush as I pretended not to have noticed their slip up. Still, that feeling of being the scummy voyeur getting caught.

It's fine, I don’t need to be part of everything they do, and they’re not obligated to include me if they don’t want to.

They switched conversation to planning a movie night later at Breonna’s apartment, with Kristen interjecting to make sure I knew I was invited too. In her words: ‘Oh, and you’re invited of course, B.’

 I know what that implies, a statement like that is only necessary if I wasn’t by default. The movie night was at 6:00 p.m.

Maybe I’m just scared and overthinking things, but I can’t shake the feeling that they’re relieved I didn’t show.