Chapter Eighteen 

A Rift 

Arthur hadn’t spoken to Merlin since they left the monastery once again. Gawain was leaving them for the battlefront to relay what they learned of this war to the knights. They would fall back and regroup shortly back in Camelot. This left Arthur and Merlin alone on the journey back to Camelot. 

Merlin watched Arthur put together his own tent. “I can help you, if you’d like.” Merlin offered.

Arthur glanced towards him before shaking his head. “I grew up in the same squalor you did, I can put together my own tent.” 

Merlin sighed and refrained from rolling his eyes. He kept his composure. “You’re angry with me.” 

“No, of course not.” Arthur said, the sarcasm dripping out of him. “You only spout how we’re partners and how we need to trust each other with our lives and to have faith in you and to become one with you, but keep a very important detail from me!” Arthur threw the stick he was holding. 

“It is more complicated than that.” Merlin said.

“It’s not!” Arthur rounded on him. “You like to think that our lives are intertwined in complicated webs because you make it as such. You keep things from me, forcing me to learn about it the hard way. You allow me to be reckless knowing your life also hangs in the balance if I die! You place far too much responsibility on me without even keeping me privy to the consequences if we may fail. You think you are better than me!”

“I don’t.” Merlin said. 

“Yes you do! You have since returning from the monastery. If you truly felt that we were on the same level, you would have been honest with me from jump. Instead you’ve kept things hidden until I am forced to have a larger realization. You choose to keep me in the dark.” 

“I do not choose to keep you in the dark. There are pieces of the prophecy that I too am learning as things happen.” 

“And when did you realize that our survival was dependent on the others?” Arthur demanded. 

Merlin shook his head. “It is not my fault that I figured this out before you. You from the start of this have only been concerned about yourself.”

“When did you realize?” Arthur demanded again. “Answer me.” 

They met eyes again. “When you almost died from that ice demon. And if you were observant at all, you would have realized it then too. So perhaps do not find the fault in me when you have been just as privy as I have.” 

“That is not true.” Arthur said. “You were trained by the one who made the prophecy, you were given the gift of sight. You should have told me.” 

“I did tell you! It is not my responsibility to ensure you understand. Sometimes you are required to figure things out for yourself!” 

“I figure things out for myself.” Arthur said. 

“You do not. Not when it comes to me. Not when it comes to us.” Merlin said. “You have never seen me the way I see you. You have never looked at me the way I look at you.” 

“That is not true.” Arthur said stepping closer. 

“Isn’t it?” Merlin said looking down at Arthur, their eyes boring into one another. “When we were children, I was just an experiment to you. Just something to do to pass the time.” 

“I was a child!” Arthur threw his hands up. “I was a child and you were my best friend. I will not apologize for not knowing that your feelings ran deeper than mine.” 

“And now?” Merlin said. 

Arthur rolled his head and turned away. “How is this relevant to what we are speaking of. This has nothing to do with you not telling me the importance of both of us staying alive.” 

“It is relevant to me.” Merlin said. 

Arthur turned and watched Merlin for a long while. “Merlin, you are asking me for something I am unsure I can give.” 

Merlin felt the words like iron through him. 

“Merlin,” Arthur stepped closer, only for Merlin to step back. “I have a kingdom I need to think of. It… it is unfair to expect anything more of me.” 

“Is it?” Merlin asked. “I’ve loved you since before I understood what love is and you’ve known. You’ve always known— do not deny it.” Merlin said quickly at Arthur’s attempt to shake his head. “And you’ve always given me just enough to keep me right where you want me.”

“That’s unfair. I desired to keep our past behind us. You were the one who kissed me.” Arthur said. 

“You wanted me to!” Merlin yelled. “I… I could feel that you wanted me to.” 

“I cannot control what my body may desire of you. But I had chosen not to act on it. You were the one that pushed us over that edge.” 

“And the other night. Did I push you over the edge then as well?” Merlin asked. 

Arthur hesitated and looked down at his feet. “The other night was a moment of weakness. Clearly it should not have happened.”

Merlin felt the tears pricking at his eyes and turned away quickly. 

He heard foot steps before a hand was on his shoulder. “I wish it didn’t have to be this way, Merlin. But I am the King of Camelot, at some point I will have to settle down and… make heirs.” 

“And that is the most important thing?” Merlin whispered. 

There was no answer, but he figured he had already received his answer. 

“We can create a partnership still, I want to be capable of fulfilling our destiny just as much as you do.” 

“But we cannot be together?” Merlin whispered. 

It was another long silence before Arthur finally dropped his hand. “I… I…” he sighed. “Not in the way you want of me, no.” 

Merlin nodded his head and took a slow breath in. “Well, I suppose that will have to do for me, won’t it.” Merlin turned away and climbed into his own small tent. 

They did not speak as they continued their journey back to Camelot, they were both angry and hurt. Merlin shouldn’t have kissed him again. He should have just continued acting under the ruse that they felt nothing for each other. It would have been easier, and far less painful. 

They rode in silence until reaching Camelot. 

“The King has returned!” Merlin heard the knights yelling and scrambling to get the gates opened for them. 

Arthur rode through the town quickly as his subject all flooded out of their houses. Merlin watched, something he feared would be his life. Watching Arthur, never actually getting to be a part of his world. Would Merlin watch the man he loved get married and produce heirs. Would he watch him grow old from the sidelines. Their horses were taken to the stables and Merlin followed Arthur into the castle. 

“Your majesty, we weren’t expecting you back from the battlefront this early.  Is everything alright?” 

“I require a meeting, send for my confidants. There have been new installments come to life in this war. We must prepare.” Arthur began climbing the steps towards his war room. “Merlin, come on.” 

Merlin took a breath and followed him up. The room was colder than it usually was as servants scrambled to start a fire. Merlin aimed trinity for the hearth and the logs immediately erupted into a lovely orange flame. 

“So, we know that the Thebes have most certainly been making deals with the lord of the underworld.” Arthur said, pacing. “And now that Ezorread has died, the war will take a turn. They do not know the power they’ve released.” 

The door opened and a handful of older men walked in. “What is the meaning of this emergency meeting, Sire? You were not due back for a second fortnight.” 

“It has been confirmed that the Thebes have made a deal with the devil himself in attempts to win this war and overtake Camelot.” Arthur began. 

The men all sat and looked amongst themselves. “How can we stop them if they have the force of the underworld behind them?” 

“The King of the Thebes does not know what he’s done.” Merlin said. “He is  dancing with a power he is quickly losing control over. When he truly loses control it will not just be Camelot in danger, but everywhere.” 

“Merlin and I traveled to his monastery in an attempt to protect them from the attacks of a rogue mage. He has released many monsters into our realm, all getting more and more fearsome and dangerous. On the battlefield, thebean men fell to their death as the Earth split open. Soon there will be no war lines, just humans against the monsters of the underworld.” 

“How can we save any of us if it comes to that, your highness? We are not privy to the magic of the gods, nor to the raw power these creatures from the underworld possess.” 

Arthur sighed and glanced towards Merlin. “I believe it is our destiny to stop this Great Evil.” 

“Two men cannot do anything the these creatures.” One man said glancing between the pair of them. 

“We are not ordinary men.” Merlin said. “The knights need to be pulled back. Soon the Thebes will retreat permanently, they will have no other choice. When that happens, many will die on all sides. Our best option is to somehow join forces with the knights of Thebes to strengthen our numbers.”

“What?” One man stood.

Arthur’s eyes were wide with fury. 

“Their army is far greater than ours. We must strengthen our numbers, and when this evil comes to Earth, it will not matter who they are or where they came from. Just that they are man.” 

Arthur and Merlin met eyes once again. Merlin wondered if Arthur could feel all of the pain he was feeling himself. 

“Merlin is right,” Arthur said. “I do not know how we can get them to side with us, but their can be no enemy lines in this battle.” 

Merlin began making his way towards his chambers, now directly beside Arthur’s own chambers.

“Merlin,” Arthur said. 

Merlin turned and looked at the young man who he had always wanted to love. 

“I am sorry. For all of it.” Arthur whispered. 

Merlin nodded. “I am too.”