My head felt as if it was about to explode at any moment. I couldn’t help but moan while crumpling paper sheets and tossing them in the trash can next to my desk. “Shit!” Over the last four days, I’ve been canceling my bandmates’ calls. I let out a frustrated groan. “What am I doing?”

God, it has never been this difficult to write a song, though the rough draft of the entire song won’t even take an hour to produce. Though it sounded easy to me it didn’t resonate with me, even if it already sounds fantastic.

So, I sat in my swivel chair every day to work on beats, rhythm, and voice. Something is lacking. While trying to figure it out, I went to the drum set, attempting to make drum beats for hours on end.

Then I hurled the drumsticks against the wall feeling irritated. Then, they brushed up against my cheek, bouncing and flicking.

“Goddamnit.” I placed my hand against my swollen face. 

My stomach churned and continued to do so while I stood in the kitchen taking out the cabinets and opening them. Empty. The refrigerator. Empty. This mundane part of life has always been irritating to me.

To calm my nerves, I decided to go for a quick errand. So, I ran to my bedroom, snatched up my wallet, and dashed out the front door. 

Then, my phone vibrated and I saw Henry’s name appear on the screen. I’m not sure how I’m going to respond to him or what I should say to him.

Henry is someone I’ve known for a long time. Since middle school, he has been one of my closest friends. When he nags, he does sound like a woman, but his intentions have always been pleasant. It’s his way of showing care and motherly, yet, brotherly, affection. 

Back then, he was the one who approached me and made friends with me until now. Although we have always been classmates from high school to college, we still need each other’s company because of one thing we have in common. 

Henry and I share a passion for the same thing. Music.

Not only were we classmates, but we were also bandmates. 

Henry was the band’s lead guitarist and his extroverted energy made him enjoy working as our band manager. When a new agent comes in, he would be the first one to talk to. 

Even though I am the lead singer of our band, I was the exact opposite. Like many band drummers, I was that person who will always be at the back. 

In real life, I was the type who can’t stand meeting new people and engaging in pointless negotiations.

Whenever I found myself in this situation, all I could do was exhale an exasperated sigh as if I was getting ready for battle. 

I pressed my finger on the screen to answer the call. “Hello.”

“Have you made any progress, Alex?”

“Nope, I’m still working on it.” 

I scratched my head, pressed my lips together, raised my face, and closed my eyes.

“Not yet? You know we’re going to need that item by the end of the month, right? At the very least, we’ll be able to begin rehearsals by then.” 

As he continued nagging in the background, I let out a long sigh, put my palm on my waist, and took a few steps back and forth going wild.

“Sure.” 

“Alex, just don’t take yourself too seriously with this endeavor, okay? It’s only for a university function. It is not for a deal with a record label.” 

Though he was clear on that, I was uncertain whether I should be relieved or concerned about Henry’s remark, especially given his frightening pause. 

That’s the kind of emotion I despise.

His sigh was audible, seemingly concerned about something. “However, make certain that it is completed by the end of the week. At the very least, the members will be aware of the situation and will be able to plan accordingly. It would be great if you can finish it as fast as possible. But don’t put too much strain on yourself.”

“Okay.” I nodded in agreement as if Henry was standing in front of me.

“By the way, Justin has informed me that you’ve begun to accumulate absences in class this month. Is that correct?”

I nodded. “Yep.”

“Why are you doing this, Alex?” 

I declined to respond. 

Could I blame myself?

University has become a routine for me. There was nothing notable that happened during that time. My everyday persona of being a tough guy wears me down to the point where coming home is sheer bliss. It has been the only location where I feel comfortable being myself.

I sat down on the carpeted floor and winced as I looked up at the light shining down on me from the ceiling. After a while, I shifted my weight to the side and faced my bedroom wall. My attention was drawn to a swarm of ants. My pointer finger traced their course and I smiled as I observed their jumbled line.

“Alex, how long do you think you should keep this life going?” Henry inquired once again, but I refused to respond. His next inquiry, though, caught me off guard. “When will you have full control of something? Why? Is it a result of this? Or is there something on your mind?” 

This time, he sounded more concerned, as he mumbled something in response, disputing the claim. 

“Not at all. I’m just not in the mood to do anything at the moment. Like usual, I’m having a creativity block.” 

It’s been like that for some reason. However, something—or rather, someone—has been bugging me these days.

Then, Henry made a chuckling sound. “Woah, that’s terrible. I’ll drop by tonight. And… and… You have no right to tell me not to! I’ll show up, and we’ll have a drink together. Besides, I’ve got to get out of here!”

Before I could even say a word, he abruptly ended the call without allowing me to say anything. When I saw the confirmation, I moved the device away from my ear and rolled my eyes. This is the last call.

To say I was frustrated was an understatement. If there was a word to describe my day that was more acute than tiredness, I wish I knew, so I can describe how I was feeling, draining me these days. 

Everyone seemed to have power over my life, leaving me with little choice but to say “yes” to their demands more than me. Except for that bastard. 

Chen. The band’s frontman and the lead singer of DBXQ. In my eyes, the majority of people only see a singer with an angelic visage. 

But as far as his aura felt, the bastard’s dark soul has been lurking beneath his warm smiles, which caused me to dislike him, although he didn’t do anything to me. Just thinking about him and seeing him at school was enough to turn me off and to cringe, though there was some kind of familiarity to it. I remembered how his baritone made the girls screech.

To answer my stupid thoughts, I opened my mouth. “I was uncertain why I despised him. There was something about him that bothered me greatly,” I said to myself while slowly closing my eyes and drifting off to sleep.

***

Ding dong ding dong!

As the knocking noises became irritating, someone screamed my name repeatedly. While pulling my body up and stretching my arms and yawning, I dragged my feet to the door and opened it, feeling lethargic.

“Man, I thought you were dead,” Henry exclaimed.

As usual, Henry enjoys sarcasm and black humor. It does not sit well with everyone, though this genre has become usual for me. A black plastic bag was presented to me when he arrived. 

“I brought some food for you.”

I placed the cup of noodles he brought on my dining table, along with the hot chicken soup straight from the pot. He got up and walked over to the kitchen, where he grabbed a few spoons and handed one to me. 

“Thanks.” I dug in without saying anything else; just to get a taste of it. I saw he was staring at me when I raised my head. He returned his spoon to the soup and leaned in closer to me. “What?” I cocked my head upwards.

“Alex, you have a poor appearance.”

I leaned against the back of the chair, puzzled, and let out a frustrated groan. “Thanks…I know I am not as good-looking as that pretty boy. So, you don't need to point that out.” 

I dragged the spoon around the bowl’s ridges.

“No, that's not what I mean. I suppose you need a love life.”

Lately, I noticed that he has been more preoccupied with trivial matters. 

Love? What a pathetic situation. It isn’t there. 

To respond sarcastically to his serious request, I snorted. 

“I was expecting you to recommend a long nap and possibly a vacation, but what about that? What made you think of such a blunder? That’s a load of crap. I don’t need anyone. You’re aware of that, Henry.”

“Beautiful songs were written as a result of the experience. You can’t come up with a better song if you’re as dull as you are now buddy.”

With a shake of my head, I expressed my dissatisfaction with the situation. “It’s not possible. I don’t have time to sit in a bathtub and fantasize about anything beautiful. Now you’re implying that I should have a romantic life.”

“Well, you can’t say you can’t judge. You never know who is out there looking for you. Haha!” Henry gave a warm grin. What the fuck are you doing, Henry? Now I’m not hungry to finish my only meal for the day. I got up and walked over to the sink, where I tossed the food into the environment bin.

“Hey! Are you finished?”  

I gave a nod while I walked out of the kitchen and sat in my swivel chair, moving my feet from left to right. He ran toward me after swiftly placing the bowls in the sink. He drew his torso close to the large screen. 

“Would you mind if I listened to it, ‘Lex?” 

I handed him the headphones without saying anything. To concentrate on listening to the music that was playing in his ears, he raised his head and knitted his brows together. 

“Man, it was good. The set-up is already fantastic. Why don’t we utilize this for the party?” Henry clapped his hands, impressed by my work.

With a shake of my head, I expressed my dissatisfaction with the situation. “No, I’m not fond of it either. Something is missing. I can’t figure it out.”

“You’re aware that we don’t have a lot of time. We need to practice with the members and complete it.”

“I understand.”

He swiveled the chair around to force me to look him in the eyes. “So, when do you think it’ll be finished?” 

I tried to turn away, but he shook the chair when I didn’t return his stare.

“Soon.” 

Henry smiled and nodded. His phone rang just as he was about to say anything. 

“Excuse me, but I need to get this.”

I turned my chair back to face the computer screen and altered the music Henry had just heard as he walked away and stood in the kitchen to talk.

I felt the tip of his fingers on my shoulders a few minutes later. I gazed at him as I pushed my headphones away from my ears and placed them on my neck. 

“Will you return to the university next week?” 

“I’ll do it, don’t worry,” I assured him, even though I didn’t feel like it.

He rubbed his hands on my shoulders and squeezed them. 

“Don’t worry man. It will be fine. There’s no need to rush. I have to leave now. At home, I still have work to do.” Is there no pressure? He has been putting pressure on me to finish the music right now.

“Alex, pay attention. I have no idea what you’re up to. But man, I’m serious about this. You need someone to love and—”

Henry was interrupted by another phone call. “Please excuse me.” He took his phone out of his pocket. “Hello, Jun.”

“Sure, I’ll take care of it. Alright. Bye.” He slid his phone into his pocket and gave me a suspicious look. His brow furrowed. “Can you tell me what you’re staring at?”

“I had no idea you were friends with Jun.” 

My arms were crossed and I leaned my torso on the table, but my face was turned toward him.

He was startled. “Oh…yeah, we are,” he said in a jerky tone, as though he was upset by my question. Was there something I’m overlooking? He inhaled deeply.

“He’s been calling you a lot more nowadays. Are you two friends?” 

To continue editing, I glanced at the monitor while I hovered the mouse over the commands. 

“Not at all. However,” he hesitated, crossing his arms and averting his gaze, “there’s something we need to accomplish together.”

“Alone?” 

Henry felt seemingly taken aback by my unexpected question. His face flushed, and he squeezed his lips together. With a shake of my head, I expressed my dissatisfaction with the situation. 

“Henry, I didn’t mean to pry. I’m not interested in what’s going on between you two. It’s fine if you’re in a relationship with him. It’s your life after all. Both of you are free guys. You have the right to love whoever you want, regardless of gender.”

He whacked the back of my head with his hand and shook his head. 

Because of the pain, I moaned moving my head towards him. 

“What the hell is going on, Henry?” 

“I’m not in love with Jun. All we’re doing is—” He took a breath and stopped.

“We’re simply friends, we’re not getting intimate like other gays,” I interrupted by completing his statement. 

However, his expression suggested that I had misunderstood something in the middle. 

I snorted and returned my gaze to the computer screen. “Well, our band and his band are still rivals. Quote and quote.” I tried to ease the awkward situation I was in with a nod and a smile.

He swallowed his saliva and cleared his throat to change the subject. 

“Anyway, back to our subject. Find someone with whom you can share a bed. We’re worried about you being alone in that room because you look horrible. You may like watching porn when alone, but it’s a very different experience when you have a hot-blooded human at your side. So, at the very least, promise me that you’ll find someone to introduce to the band before the semester finishes. Okay?” 

“But—” I tried to oppose his plan, but with his palm up, he interjected. His powerful gazes were enough to bring a locomotive to a halt. 

His unpleasant habit has been being stubborn with me. I may want Henry to change, but his stubborn attitude will only add to the drama. It doesn’t matter if it’s a large or small issue. I know he doesn’t want any debate as long as he says that stupid term. He gets exactly what he desires.