*Mature for mentions of suicide, forced drug use, swearing, mentions of sex*

When The Idol Falls

I made a lot of mistakes when I started in this business. I had everything, and having everything made me feel invincible.  Untouchable.  We all felt that way, but not in the very beginning.  In the beginning, we worked hard, through the pain and hunger and being told we were the D group.  The 4th back-up group if the other three happened to fail.  We all knew they wouldn't fail, not of their own actions anyway.

After a few years of sub-par treatment and pay, we disbanded.  Not that it mattered because, as a group, we never released any music with our names on it.  Oh sure, we did perform, as back up dancers and extras in MVs for the other three groups, but never as ourselves for ourselves.

Naka, Troy and Sosaki joined another label,  New Beginnings (NB), and started to have moderate success but the news and internet found out about their origins, as the back-up to the back-up from our old label, Performance Masters (PM).  That started the negative news spiral and the internet bullying until, they said, Naka committed suicide. 

Music and performing were his world and two failures and humiliations was all he could handle.  He was from a very traditional family that had shunned him when he decided to forgo university and training to take over the family business after high school to pursue a career in the entertainment industry.  Falling and going home wasn't an option.

No one from his family came to his funeral but the members from the bands at PM and NB did attend.  As one can imagine, this caused quite the media storm and when one of the members of PM was backed into a corner while trying to leave the funeral home, he blasted the media, their fans and social media around the world for pushing Naka to his death.  I was stunned that Tachi would have such deep feelings about the circumstances that supposedly caused Naka to take his own life.

Later that afternoon, a the wake, Tachi found me and asked to speak privately.  I was surprised that he even knew who I was but glad to have the opportunity to thank him for speaking out the way he did.

What he told me stunned me into silence.  I could only stare at him with his face flushed and contorted in pain and anguish.

"Sobatatsu, I miss him so much.  I don't  know how to go on.  What do I do?  How do I continue to do this, this job, this career knowing it was his dream.  We were going to live this dream together.  I had gotten them a contract with my PM.  It was going to be presented to NB the next day.  If he could have only waited, waited for me, answered my call, called me back!"  Tachi falls to the floor, taking me with him.  He crawls into my lap and grips onto my suit jacket, sobbing uncontrollably.

"Tachi.  I'm not sure I understand.  You and Naka stayed in touch after we disbanded, after he signed with  a new label?  He never said anything.  I knew you were close, all those hours working on the choreography together, but he never mentioned that you guys were still speaking."  I try to be comforting to him but my confusion had my body stiff and uncomfortable.

"Sobatatsu."  Tachi barely whispers.  "We were together, boyfriends, lovers, soul mates.  I can't keep doing this, dancing and singing.  Making money for the label, being the smiling dream boy of this group.  I just can't."  He sighs and begins to compose himself, sitting up and wiping his face with the handkerchief he pulled from his suit pocket.

I continue to stare at the floor between us, my eyes wide, stinging with unshed tears and a certain realization from Tachi's confession.  I raise my head and meet his gaze.  "You're gay?  I mean, you're gay, if you were with Naka. I mean, I knew he was gay.  It's kind of how we met."  I stop talking, waving my hands in from of my face, shaking my head.  "Not important.  Does your label know?  I mean, they didn't know when Naka and I were signed with them, but I don't know. "  I continue to look Tachi in the eyes.

He laughs, tossing his head back, covering his face with his hands again.  "Oh Naka, you were right.  He is as oblivious as he is cute and endearing."  He lowers his head again and drops his hands into his lap.  "Sobata, Naka and I have been together since the day all of the group members met at the PM launch party."  He smiles and pats my hands.

My head spins as I think back to all of the events, performances, rehearsals and meetings that all of the groups would attend and yes, Naka and Tachi seemed to gravitate towards one another but it just seemed like a dancer thing because eventually, the other group's members that were responsible for the choreography, would end up in their little circle which would normally end in some sort of drunken dance off.

Then I gasp as it finally hits me, "So all of those extra training sessions, the weekend dancing boot camps…..were all of those so you an Naka could be together?" Tachi smiles softly and drops his head.

"Not specifically.  They were the label's functions and required training but, everyone that attended knew of our relationship and since no media was allowed to attend and they were always held at some secure unannounced location, Naka and I could be ourselves with each other."  He sighs again and I notice he is fidgeting with a black band around his left hand middle finger.

He follows my gaze and removes the ring and holds it out for me to take.  I slowly take the ring and he nods, "Look at the inscription on the inside."  He says as a blush starts to dust his cheeks.

I turn the band around in my fingers and angle it so the light catches the kanji etched inside the band.  It's in gold and faint from years of wear on Tachi's finger.  I can barely make out the meaning, 'My heart, my love, my soul'. 

Tears flow from my eyes and down my cheeks as I gasp for air and look at Tachi who is now also crying.  Those words, they were the title of the only song that Naka wrote lyrics for.  I composed the music with him, after a night of drinking and talking about our futures, love, life and trying to remain happy through the hard times we were in.  I now realize that the song was for Tachi, to confess his love and commitment to his soul.  I had always thought that Naka's heart belonged to someone but he never gave any hints so I thought it must be someone from his home town that he had to leave behind when he made his choice to follow his dreams.

So much starts to make sense now.  How Naka would never engage in fan service unless it was with me.  We had been paired up since auditions and because my dancing was so terrible, he was allowed to choregraph most of our routines it so I could at least look descent.  And the fan service bits were always a face to face thing, never bodies touching or hands traveling. 

As I get myself under control and clean my face with my own handkerchief, I smile and look at Tachi again.  "I wish he had trusted me enough tell me about you two.  I would have been there for him.  Someone to talk to when he couldn't trust anyone else.  I'm so sorry, Tachi."  I sigh and lay my hand over his clasped ones in his lap.

Tachi grabs my hands between his and shakes his head.  "It's not your fault, Sobata.  I didn't want anyone outside of our group to know.  He insisted that he had your loyalty and you would never let it out but, I just couldn't let him tell you.  You were outside of my control and I just couldn't." 

I nod in understanding but something occurs to me.  "Tachi, did you know Naka was depressed?  That he was suicidal?  You were obviously closer to him than anyone else, how could you not notice he was struggling?  I don't understand the circumstances surrounding his death either.  I have only been told that he had been out of contact with everyone for a few days and NB sent out a welfare check and that's when he was found, dead."

Again, Tachi begins to tear up and shake his head.  "I had gotten a text from Naka saying he was upset at a certain internet blog site that had revealed his origins with his original label.  He was being contacted by several entertainment media outlets for comment.  This was right after his new label put out a teaser MV for the new group Naka, Troy and Sosaki were a part of.  I tried to call him right afterward but it went straight to voicemail.  I was on my way to a onsite shoot so I wasn't able to check on him but I did send a text to a Troy and Sosaki to check on him."  Tachi pauses as he pushes off the floor and stands up. 

He reaches out a hand to me and pulls me to my feet.  We start walking down the corridor towards the exit that leads outside to an enclosed garden.  "I was onsite for 7 hours." He sighs heavily.  "When I was given back my phone, there were several messages from Troy and Sosaki saying they had gone to Naka's apartment but it seemed like he hadn't been there in days.  No food in the fridge or cabinets but all of his clothes, keys, computers and phone were stacked up on the coffee table.  They checked with the manager and he said that Naka had come to him the day before and paid the lease for the next year but he wouldn't be coming back and to give the keys and a letter to me."

Tachi stopped walking and sits down on a bench under a large flowering cherry tree.  He looks up into the branches and sighs, closing his eyes as he continues.  "The letter to me said that he needed time to clear his head, to find that spark he had when he started his journey.  He said he was tired, bone tired, all the time and just couldn't stay in the city any longer.  He said he was 'going to the place I have felt most at home.'"  He drops his head and stops talking, just gazing across the garden, the light breeze tossing his hair around.

I slowly shake my head.  "Do you know what place he was talking about?"  I ask quietly trying to coax the rest of the story out of Tachi's mind.

He hums and nods.  "Yes.  It was the place we had our first date.  A little patch of heaven outside the city.  We camped out for a weekend.  We had to hike half the day to reach it.  There was no cell service or any services for that matter.  It was roughing it out in the wilderness.  During the time we spent there, he said he felt like he had come home.  Like that place was where he was meant to be born, meant to live a full long life with me and then, eventually, to die there."  Tachi sighs and shakes his head again.

"As soon as I read that, in the letter, I knew exactly where he had gone.  I chartered a helicopter to get me as close as possible and ran the last mile to the campsite."  Tachi looks at me, tears falling again as he tilts his head to the side.  "He was still alive, Sobata. I could tell something was wrong by the way he was acting.  He said he had been waiting for me, out in the wilderness, in 'our' place."  Tachi then shrugs and looks away.

I am livid! "If he was alive when you got there, why is he dead now!  Tachi!  What the hell happened?" I yell and grab Tachi by the shoulders, turning him so he has to face me.  He only shakes his head and sobs, falling against my shoulder.  I didn't want him that close, didn't want to console him if he didn't do anything to save Naka.  I was ready shove him away when I hear someone approaching.

Looking over my shoulder I see Troy and Sosaki along with the rest of the members of Tachi's group.  Troy walks forward and places one hand on my shoulder and the other on Tachi's sagging head. "It's okay, Tachi, I can tell him the rest." At the sound of Troy's voice, Tachi falls back and collapses as his groupmates caught him and enveloped him in a hug. 

I stand and turn towards Troy with my hands stretched out in front of me.  "Tell me what happened.  Why is Naka dead!  Why is he ashes in an urn?  What the fuck happened?"  I fall into Troy, my hands balled into his shirt.  He covers my hands with his and rests his forehead against mine.

"Let's take a walk, Sobata.  Tachi has told this story too many times to hear it again."  I nod and release Troy's shirt and fall into step beside him as we walk further into the garden.

Sighing, Troy recounts the story. "Yes, Naka was alive when Tachi found him.  He had been camping in their special spot and everything seemed fine when Tachi got there.  But then Naka started to drift off into tangents and got violent, screaming that it was Tachi's fault that he was failing at everything.  Tachi was so hurt and confused but he stayed and tried to calm Naka down.  After a few hours, Naka just passed out."  Troy pauses to take a few deep breaths.

I just couldn't wrap my head around why Naka would kill himself or why he didn't reach out.  He was always the one that made sure we were always mentally and emotionally safe and balanced.  I guess it's true that some of the happiest people on the outside are struggling the most on the inside.

"So, he passes out and Tachi did, what?  I never got a the full story, just that Naka was found dead at his apartment.  He somehow passed out in his tub and drowned?  I know they say it was a drug overdose but I just can't believe that."  I stammer out while looking at the ground.

Troy sighs again and places his hands on my shoulders. "Tachi thought that Naka was just exhausted and passed out and would stay that way long enough for him to run back to the helicopter and have the pilot either land closer or get a land crew to come in and get them out.  But when Tachi and the pilot returned, Naka was gone.  They could see a trail of trampled grass leading to the lake so they followed it and found Naka on the shore." He shakes his head as if to remove the thoughts he has of that moment.

I shift so that Troy's hand fall from my shoulder and I place my own on his. "Listen, if it's too much, you don't have to continue.  It really doesn't make a difference now, does it?"  I lean down so my face is in his view.

He smiles and takes a deep breath.  "Oh, but you should know this.  Naka appeared to have vomited, like he was trying to puke up something he knew was hurting him.  The toxicology report showed a drug cocktail that is usually given to terminally ill cancer patients but this is usually given intravenously and they still haven't figured out how Naka got it into his system.  They think it's possible that one of his online bullies somehow got into his home and….. They just don't know."  Troy seems to be reaching his limit as I look around for Sosaki to take him home.