Six a.m. That’s when I had my alarm set for. I knew it was early, but I had to do something. I slept for an hour again, maybe a little more, but it wasn’t much more than that. I felt numb around others, and I was ok with that, but being in the space alone gave me too much time to think about how this had happened and how I had been so damn blind to it. I didn’t even linger in the bed longer than I had to. It was too much for me.

Sadness welled up inside of me, and it was painful. I felt trapped by the pain, and it hadn’t really even started yet. I knew this. 

Once I finally let go of his body, that was it. There was nothing left. Just thinking about it brought me deep pain. Tucking my knees up to my chest, I trembled as tears streaked down my cheeks and I sobbed deeply. I never felt this unstable in my life as I did right here. I heard my phone go off, and I checked the message through the heavy tears. It was Lukas. He was asking me to come over. I didn’t know why, but it was better than being here. Alone.

Pulling myself away from the couch, I didn’t bother with shoes or keys. Just me. That was all I needed. I knew for a fact that my dad was not up. He didn’t get up until seven at the earliest unless he had to. I knew Lukas had lost his mother, and that was painful for him; he knew what I was feeling, and he probably knew I couldn’t be alone to handle that.

Walking down the hall, I texted him to let him know I was a mess and on my way. I didn’t even get to use my phone to unlock the door. He was waiting there with the door open. He was in lounge clothing and his hair was all over. But he was awake. 

“Come inside. I have tea on and you look like you could use a glass.”

“Alright.”

“Your dad’s not up, but he should be soon.”

“No worries. I don’t need him to see me like this. I’ve just spent a minute sobbing.”

“Your dad is worried about you. I’m worried about you, too.”

“I will be ok.”

“I know the pain of loss and I know what it does.”

“I appreciate this. I didn’t want to sit alone there right now.”

“You look rough.”

“I feel rough. I know we are going to deal with Caleb today and his wishes. That is where this is all rough for me. Once his body is gone, I have nothing left of him.”

I sat down and Lukas brought me a cup of tea. A coffee in front of himself. He looked good, and I was happy for him and dad. They were honestly perfect for each other. The cup of tea warmed my hands, and Lukas clicked his tongue at me. He stood up and closed the space between us. He used his sweater sleeves to wipe the tears from my eyes. 

“Damn kid. You’re not even my kid, but I hate to see you hurt like this.”

“It’s because I look like my dad.”

“While that is scarily the truth, that’s not why I care about you.”

“I know.”

He hugged me. I hated how gentle he was with me. No one, not even my mother, was like this with me. While everyone cared and showed me love, it wasn’t at all like this. 

“Well, this is cute.” I heard my father say as he walked out of the bedroom.

“Oh shush. I need to make sure for my ‌sake that he is ok.” Lukas grumbled about it. 

“I’m alive, so I must be ok.”

“You want to go get some help with that?”

“Right now, no. I need to deal with this on my own. Even if it scares me to be alone in that space. At least when I’m around others, I’m more than numb. Alone though, that’s when everything comes bubbling in.”

Dad sat across the table from me and looked at me. He was analyzing me in a way that I wasn’t sure if I was ok with it. He knew I was in pain and you could see it in his eyes, but he didn’t address it. At least not to me. I understood having a kid of his own that wasn’t Alexi was new to him, even now. 

“Don’t have kids. I don’t know what to do for you and I don’t like it. You’re in pain and there’s nothing I can do for you.”

“I know this is going to be really awkward for us both. But can I have a hug?”

He stood up, not even answering me. He walked over and hugged me tighter than he ever had. It was kind of strange, but it was comforting. He let me go and checked the clock, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“Your damn cousin should be here shortly. Couple of the others too. We have a shipment of stuff to go through and log with Jackson, but I promised them breakfast if they all helped.”

“Sasha coming?”

“I think so. I know Ryer is.”

“I need to check out his hand. I said I would. I need to get to work.” Taking a sip of my tea, standing up, I was going to head for the medic wing, But Dad spoke. 

“Sit the hell back down and relax. You look like you haven’t slept yet and you have an emotionally draining day. Remember, you need to send Caleb off today the way he wants.”

“I know. Trust me, I know.”

I was sure I would hear from Maddox shortly, and that weighed heavily on me. Every second that ticked by, I was losing more and more of Caleb. Sure, I had some of his possessions, but that was meaningless to me. They weren’t as good as having him here, and that was all I wanted. 

“He left me everything, but I only want him. I don’t care that we had bad days, hell I don’t even care that he had a drinking problem in the beginning. I would take that, then this.”

“I know. But he didn’t want to see you suffer watching him go. He knew you would devote all your time and energy to make him better and it was too late for that.”

“He pushed for me to go and I should have damn well known something was wrong, but god I had been so blind to it all and it’s my own damn fault.”

“Alessio, it’s not your fault. That is purely guilt for your prior actions, and you know it.”

“I said shit. I wish I could take it all back and it kills me.”

“I doubt Caleb took it to heart. The fact that he sent you away tells me he cared too much for you. Even after the words you said that you regret.”

Dad was right, and I knew it, but it didn’t help the pain that blossomed inside of me. Standing up after finishing my tea, I took the cup to the sink. Turning around, I spoke. 

“I have some stuff to do. I need to head down to the medic wing. There is some cleaning to be done. If Maddox or anyone needs me, I’ll be there.”

“Alright.” 

“Thank you for the tea. I appreciate the company, Lukas.”

“You know our wing is always open to you.”

“I know.”

Leaving, I took the less traveled hallways. I didn’t want to bump into Sasha and Ryer or Alexi and Creed. I didn’t want to watch them flirt and the love between them. I was bitter. It wasn’t their fault, though. God, I knew that more than anything. But I was still bitter about it. 

The medic wing was cold and sterile like it always had been, but it felt void of the life that had been here for so damn long. Behind the locked silver doors sat my lover, taunting me. As a doctor, there was nothing I could have done, and I knew it. But it was like the biggest fuck you to me possible. Slowly, I cleaned up everything that I destroyed and flung around in my moment of pure weakness and distress. 

I had some things I needed to say to Caleb, even if he wasn’t here in spirit. Telling it to his body would make me feel less crazy.

Fixing the chair, the space was back to pretty much normal. I hated it. 

Snatching the keys off the wall, I walked to the freezer, my bare feet again, making very little noise on the floor even as I walked with a purpose. Unlocking the door, I opened it and stepped inside. Caleb was still the only one here. 

“God, this is so damn weird.” I muttered, shaking my head. 

Unzipping the bag again, I rolled it back and there he was. Almost peacefully asleep. Tears welled up again, and I wiped them away as I started to speak.

“Alright. I know.. I know how damn weird this is. But I need to do something to apologize about the awful thing I said to you, and this is the only way I can now.”

I took a breath before continuing. 

“I can’t forgive you for this, though. You should have told me. I should have been the one there with you when you passed. I could have helped. That is irrelevant to my guilt mostly, though. The things I’m guilty about are how nasty my words were to you and I’m worried you didn’t know how damn proud I was and am of you. You were sober and had been for a bit, and that is an impressive feat.”

I brushed my fingers over his cheek, my tears falling on the skin under my fingers, cold as ice and pale. 

“I would have never said those things to you. Hell. I never should have said those things to you at all. But god, I was so mad, you kept pushing me away. But I didn’t know your pain, your suffering. I didn’t know, and that’s what kills me. That’s what I regret so deeply.”

My hands trembled more than they had at any point so far, when I brushed a tear that had fallen on his cheek and fell like he himself had cried it.