“It’s my favorite,” Anna admitted. “I love the zing of the mayonnaise, and the soft tuna against the crunchy celery. But I can’t eat such things every day. I would never fit into my jeans.”
She stayed casual, making sure not to emphasize or dwell on anything. She wanted the woman to know that this was ordinary. That change happened all the time and didn’t affect her. This was a lie of course. Anna still heard the voices and felt the fear. But she couldn’t let this woman know that.
“I’ve never-” Speaking to Anna was not part of her daily routine and the woman hesitated, but she was too intrigued to stop. “I’ve never had mayonnaise.”
“Oh, it’s so good! It is quite fatty, but as long as I only eat it occasionally, I’m fine.”
Anna had to test her, to see how strong she could be. To see if she could challenge the fear.
“Too much fat is dangerous. It clogs our arteries and kills us. We shouldn’t eat those fatty foods.” The woman was certain. The fear told her this and she had to listen. “If we die, what will happen to those around us? No. It’s safer to avoid those things.”
Anna was losing her. The woman’s face was paling, every part of her growing tense. The fear was taking hold.
“True, that’s always a possibility," she agreed. "But every once in a while is very different from ‘too much.’ You don’t have to try anything you don’t want to. You don’t ever have to do anything you don’t want to.”
That caught the woman’s attention and some color returned. She was curious again.
“Anyway,” Anna continued. “I don’t think we’ve actually been introduced. My name is Anna. What’s your name?”
The woman gave her a blank stare. Anna knew she was searching; looking for some memory inside her that could answer that kind of question. She wouldn’t find it. Not right now. Anna just needed her to do the searching.
“My name?” she wondered aloud. The response was a mixture of confusion and intrigue, but there was no fear. “I don’t have a name.”
“Really? Everyone has a name. You've probably just lost yours. It took me a long time to find mine.”
“Anna? That’s your name?" She pondered some more, still searching for that missing part of her. "Anna. That sounds familiar. Perhaps that’s my name too?”
“Perhaps," Anna encouraged. "I can help you remember, if you like.”
A visible shiver ran through the woman and her voice lowered to a whisper. “But, what about the fear?”
“I can help with that too.”
It
continued like this for months. A person here, a person there. The city was
coming back to life.
It was slow progress. Many could not fight the fear. Some refused outright, the hold so overpowering it prevented them from even trying. Others experienced their first moments of terror and turned back. The visions of death and destruction, the panic, the paralysis - it was too much for them to handle. It was better to listen to the voices and avoid the fear.
But some were strong like Anna. On her morning run, she might pass one or two others going in different directions. Her bike rides were no longer down abandoned streets. When she ate lunch in the park, she no longer always ate alone. No matter the day or time, there was a chance she would pass someone in her travels.
Of course the fear was still there. It haunted her just as it haunted the others. But it was no longer the only thing that existed. They had experienced life, they had seen the world, and they realized the struggle was worth it. It would take time, but more would come to this realization. The fear would not rule them anymore.
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