Bryce 

Later that night, I am pacing alone in my apartment, drinking whiskey neat with all the lights turned off. The soft glow of the TV and a dim desk lamp are the only two islands of brightness. The TV is on mute, but I don’t need sound to know what the characters are saying. I’ve been watching episodes of our TV series since I got home. Remembering the good ole days. Feeling pathetic.

Ten episodes in, my phone rings. I stare at the phone for a moment, frozen. It’s Dylan. I quickly clear my throat and inexplicably check my appearance in the mirror before I answer the phone.

I don’t speak at first. I just hold my breath. Then I hear his fragile little voice.

“Bryce?”

Oh no! My angel is crying. I sit down on the couch and place my whiskey on the coffee table. I pause the TV and lean in, focused.

“Dylan? Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

He doesn’t answer at first and I hear quiet little sniffles. My heart breaks into a thousand pieces.

“Could you come hold me?”

“You know I can’t do that, baby. You asked me not to give in, no matter how much you beg.”

“Please. It’s the only thing that makes this feeling better.”

“That’s not what you said, Dylan. You said you needed time and space to move on from your character. You said that we needed to keep this professional, so we don’t blur the lines.”

He also said he didn’t really love me, and it was all in his head. That he got carried away in his first acting role.  I harshly remind myself so I can resist his beckoning tears.

“Please, Bryce. I need you.”

He whispers that last statement, but it echoes loudly in my ears. There is no holding on to my resolve now.

“I’ll be right there, baby. Just hold on.”

I turn off the TV, grab my keys and wallet, then rush out the door. I don’t even have to think about the drive to his place. I’ve been there so often, that my body navigates the route while my brain stays on Dylan. What could have happened to make him relapse? Would I walk in to find a distressed Dylan, or Cody?

Near the end of filming our series, Dylan had expressed his concern that his character, Cody, had taken too much of his headspace and he felt like he wasn’t himself anymore. It happens sometimes when actors get deep into their roles, and we had been playing these characters for a little over two years. When we met fans, appeared in music videos, and did interviews in magazines, we were still expected to be some version of these characters.

He and I had talked extensively about our roles and acting techniques throughout the process. That is part of the reason we bonded so well. He looked up to me as a mentor, despite me being only one year older. I did a good job treating him as my mentee at first, even though I was hiding a big crush.

Honestly, it was love at first sight for me. When it came to my sexuality, I never really cared for labels, but I had only had girlfriends in the past. When I first laid eyes on Dylan, he walked into the room and gave me this radiant smile that pinned me to the chair I was sitting in. I remember all the little hairs on my body seemed to stand on edge. I already knew I was doomed. 

 

Dylan's eyes had lit up because he recognized me from TV, and he knew I was his new co-star. Waving at me enthusiastically, he walked towards me, full of excitement. So much so, that he didn’t look where he was going, and he tripped on his way to me, somehow sending loose papers from a nearby table flying into the air. It all seemed to happen in slow motion. My heart stumbled with him and just never stopped falling.

I was elated as time went on and I started to feel like he might like me too. On set and in between scenes we would continue behaving like a couple to stay in character and give our fans something to talk about. I never had to pretend. My character, Dane, was as whipped for Dylan’s character, Cody, as I was for Dylan. I treated him like a prince that I did not mind spoiling, and he let me.

We also started hanging out constantly. We went out to eat together, drove to and from set in the same car, and often slept in the same bed with him opting for little spoon 80 percent of the time. We never did anything sexual, but we were beyond comfortable sitting in each other’s laps, cuddling, holding hands, and hugging, even in public.

Then came the day that we found out that the series would be ending. There were talks of a movie and several public events, but for the most part, it would soon be time to say goodbye to Dane and Cody. This was part of the job. Still, everyone on set was sad to let go of this happy time. Cody, however, was not just sad. He became anxious.

“Don’t worry, stud. You’ve already got offers for other series and movies rolling in, and you deserve it! You killed it as Cody. Even I am shocked that this is your first acting experience.”

He and I were sitting on a wooden picnic table with me on the tabletop and him on the bench. We were wearing our fake high school uniforms from a flashback scene we had just shot, and we were waiting to shoot another one later that night. 

“I know. I mean, thank you. I just…That isn’t what I’m worried about.”

I looked at him for a moment and then ruffled his inky black hair.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s just…I feel like I’m too attached.”

“It happens. In a couple of months, we will both be working on different sets and playing different characters. You’ll have moved on before you know it. Besides, I’ll always be here if you need to talk. It’s not like we won’t be hanging out.”

Dylan nervously played with his fingers.

“That’s…um. Cody is in love with Dane, right?”

“Yeah?”

“But you and I are just regular friends.”

The finality in his voice was a cold, sharp knife in my chest, but I stayed silent so he could finish.

“I think, if I am to move on from this, you and I should spend less time together.”

I kept a straight face, but I was reeling. With the number of unscripted kisses that made it into the series and the fact that we were inseparable off set, I thought he was at least interested in seeing where this relationship could go after the series wrapped. It appears I had been naïve.

Dylan stood up and dusted off his uniform.

“I think we should start now. I am going to ask my brother to pick me up tonight…you don’t have to come get me tomorrow.”

And that was that. We were just as adorably sweet when the cameras were rolling, arguably more so, but he started eating lunch at a different table. Soon after that, I heard the news that he was dating Amy in a press release from our agency.

Imagine my surprise when I got the first frantic call from him asking me to come over. He was having a full-on panic attack when I arrived, and it scared me. When he calmed down, he explained that the Cody part of him couldn’t understand why we had to break up. He didn’t want to talk about it more, he just wanted to be held. When he felt better, I would make him something to eat and then leave.

This was an almost regular occurrence until one day he said that he had become too dependent on me. He said he would delete my number and if I needed to contact him for work, I could talk to our shared agent.

“I’ll always be grateful.”

He told me this as I stood outside his door for the last time. His eyes were red and puffy, and he was wearing an all-white T-shirt, matching boxers, and a white bathrobe that hung off his shoulders. His feet were bare, and I remember thinking that even his toes were pretty. He looked like an angel.

Taking a deep breath, I turned away.  Three steps later he called my name. I turned to face him.

“If I call you like this again, don’t come. Even if I beg and plead. Ok?”

I didn’t answer. Tears were building up in my eyes and I did not trust my voice.

“Bryce.”

His voice was stern, and it made me straighten up my spine.

“Ok.”

I whispered my answer, turned away, and rushed to my car as fast as I could without running. I was wiping tears the whole way. In the car I broke down, but I never looked up to see if Dylan saw. As soon as I could see through my tears, I drove away.