Ortiz

3  W E E K S  L A T E R

The days began to blur together as they passed, and I floated through them in an aimless, dissociative haze. The countless meetings, training, and patrols that I once attended with pride became nothing more than a tedious obligation, and I found myself counting the seconds until I could curl up underneath my weighted blanket at the culmination of every day.

To make matters worse, the pain in my chest got gradually worse as the days went on. The only time I noticed that the pain abated was when I supervised warrior training from afar, which was coincidentally also the time that Corey and I were in the closest proximity to one another. 

Over the past two and a half weeks it'd gotten so bad that I'd adopted a steady regimen of extra-strength painkillers I'd stolen from the infirmary to keep me from screaming at the top of my lungs as the sharp, stabbing pain flared every time I so much as took a step. The painkillers were some of the strongest, formulated to work on even the strongest of werewolves for life-threatening injuries. They were a welcome distraction from the torture of the past few weeks of my life. 

Whenever they entered my bloodstream I could quite literally feel the stress and pain lifting off of my shoulders and I simply floated through life in a state of semi-awareness, almost as if someone else was in control of my physical being and I was simply along for the ride. I'd found myself taking more and more each day to keep up with the amount of pain that was gradually getting worse over the days.

It was much better than restless nights in excruciating pain, knowing that the only remedy was the one thing I would never willingly admit I needed.

"Ortiz, did you even hear me?" 

I jumped in my seat at the sound of Osias's loud, grumbly voice, pulling myself out of my dissociative trance enough to be able to comprehend what was going on around me. 

"Yeah, sure, uh-huh." I replied after clearing my throat, crossing my arms and attempting to focus my blurry vision on Osias's perpetual resting bitch face and act as if I was paying attention to whatever topic we were discussing during our upper-rank meeting. His eyes narrowed as he spoke.

"Then what is your opinion on what I said?" 

A slight panic raised in my throat and I pursed my lips as I tried to figure out how to reply to him, made worse by the fact that I could practically feel Corey's eyes digging holes in the back of my head from the end of the long table. The mere thought of him sent a flicker of desire through me, but I quickly shoved it into a box and locked it into the back of my brain, which was much easier to do due to the numbing feeling the painkillers provided. 

I hesitated before deciding to go with the safest option to reply to Osias's question, which was always something that would stroke his huge ass ego. However, the cloudiness in my brain prevented me from forming any constructive words that would make my response even somewhat believable.

"Uh... Good...?" The word came out sounding more like a question than a confident statement, and I winced as Osias's eyes narrowed even further in a highly suspicious manner.

"Ortiz, stay after the meeting. I'd like to speak with you." He stated before turning back around to the giant TV that held what I assumed to be the new patrol plan. 

I could feel my face flare up, adopting a crimson glow. I sunk into the leather conference chair, grinding my teeth and ticking my jaw at the eyes I could feel staring at me with judgment.

Fuck all of you, you don't know the half of it. I thought to myself with a sneer before allowing the sweet, comfortable cloudiness to take over my consciousness again. 

It wasn't long until Osias adjourned the meeting, and the rest of the higher-ups began to file out of the room. Even though my senses were significantly dulled, I subconsciously stiffened as I felt a painful tug in my chest at Corey's exit. 

I made a mental note to take another pill afterwards as Osias approached me, and I focused my blurry eyes on his face. He looked a lot more tired than normal with uncharacteristic dark circles under his eyes and his stubble grew out longer than normal. 

"The dad life looks good on you. I bet those twins have you up at all hours during the night, not to mention Berlin." I managed a strained laugh and straightened up slightly in my chair, trying my best to act how I normally would when not blitzed out on abused narcotics. Osias ran a hand through his hair before replying.

"Being a dad is a lot more work than I thought it would be, I won't lie. Sometimes I think being the Alpha is easier. But I'm not here to talk about myself. What the hell is up with you?" I shifted in my seat at his question, trying with all of my might to pull my foggy brain cells together and conjure up a believable answer. 

"I'm just fine, what are you talking about?" I replied with a smile, trying to calculate each of my movements and words so they'd seem natural. However, a moment later I cussed myself as Osias's eyes narrowed even further and a long, uncomfortable moment of silence passed between us while he analyzed me closely.

"Do you think I'm fucking dumb?" Osias finally grumbled as he leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees, his eyes staying locked on mine. I opened my mouth, a smart-ass reply at the ready, but Osias beat me to it as he recognized the mischievous glint in my eyes. "Actually, don't answer that." My lips turned up in a slight grin at his response, knowing he knew me well enough to know not to ask me questions I could easily use to fuck with his ego.

"But I'm being serious here. I know we fight all the damn time, but we grew up together. I know you better than anyone. And contrary to popular belief, you know I care about you." I stiffened as Osias spoke, my jaw ticking again as I ground my teeth together, his words about growing up jarring one of the many unwanted memories of the past from behind the cloud of smoke in my mind.

"No, daddy please don't hurt him! I love him! I love him!" I desperately grabbed at my father's pant leg as rivers of snot and tears ran down my face. I tried with all of my 4 year old strength to pull my father back into the house in an effort to save the kitten I'd kept hidden in my closet for upwards of a month. I'd found the tiny kitty in the backyard while I was playing with the butterflies in my wolf form, immediately noticing how he was blind and grossly underweight - a runt separated from his mom. I'd secretly adopted him as my own, putting my blanket in a box for him and saving my milk from dinner to feed him at night. 

The poor kitty was mewling hopelessly as my father swung him by the scruff, his wide, milky eyes looking around at nothingness as he tried to use his other senses to figure out where I was. I could barely see through the tears that rapidly fell from my eyes, and my father grunted as he haphazardly kicked me off of his pant leg. 

"Get a fucking grip, Ortiz. How are you supposed to become half of the Beta I am if you act like this?!" My father growled and I flinched away from him at the wicked tone of his voice. My tears rushed forward like a waterfall as I watched my father toss my innocent little kitten to the ground, and I went to crawl towards him as fast as I could, only to have the air knocked out of me as my father grabbed the back of my shirt and yanked me to my feet.

The kitten squirmed and meowed over and over, looking for a sense of comfort that I couldn't provide. I prayed to the Goddess that my father would simply send my precious kitten away and not hurt him, but even just with the few years of experience I had enduring my father's version of 'Beta training,'  I knew how this would end.

The silver barrel of the gun glistened in the sun as my father shoved it into my hand, and I choked on my own tears as I realized what was happening. 

"If you want to have the chance to become Beta one day, you need to realize that you submit to nothing. You submit to no one. If you are vulnerable, you are nothing." His words echoed in my mind, sending terrifying shivers down my spine as I tasted my own salty tears on my lips. 

"Now kill it." 

"Daddy please! Please don't make me! I will do all of the dishes for the rest of my life! I promise I'll never ever get another pet again! Please just let him go! Please!" I screamed and cried, pleading with all of the energy in my little body. The cold metal of the gun sunk dangerously into my small fingers, the finality of the instrument chilling me to the bone. 

"You are a wolf Ortiz. And not any ordinary wolf. You are a Beta. If you submit to something as powerless as a damn kitten, you will never amount to anything more than a fucking Omega." He spat the word as if it was poison on his tongue, and my heart burned as I heard the kitten's desperate mewls. "I do not allow Omegas in my family. Kill it. Unless you'd like me to find the entire family and I'll make you shoot the rest of them, too."

I hiccuped, my tears running rivers down my cheeks. My hands shook as I whispered a soft "I love you" to the kitten before closing my eyes tight and stifling a sob as I tried to drown out the sound of the gunshot.

"Ortiz." Osias snapped his fingers in front of my face twice, pulling me out of my haze of memory. My heart felt like someone had blown a hole straight through it from the reliving of the memory. My foot began to tap anxiously and I willed time to go faster. I needed another pill before another one of the countless memories of my upbringing decided to pop up from the place I'd suppressed them in and fucked with my already fucked up head even more. 

"Dude, you've barely been paying attention to anything at all these past few days. What is going on?" Osias's voice took on a seriously concerned tone I hadn't heard him use in years. Lately we only seemed to fight, and I'd honestly started to feel as if I'd lost my best friend, making me feel even more lonely in this huge pack house. I pressed my lips together and tried to keep my emotions at bay before running a hand through my disheveled hair. 

"I... I just..." I started trailing off, wanting so badly to confide in someone about my true feelings, but the sudden phantom feeling of metal against my palm caused me to shudder and pause, trailing off. 

Submit to nothing.

"Corey. This is about Corey isn't it?" I jumped in my seat at the name as Osias spoke quietly and dare I say, sympathetically, before sighing and leaning back with crossed arms. "I knew it. Not gonna lie, what you said at the party was fucked up. Not only to all of the gay mates in the pack, but especially to Corey." 

Suddenly my black Air Force 1 Nikes became the most interesting thing in the room, as I couldn't bring myself to meet Osias's eyes. I knew my words probably hurt him too. 

"I didn't mean to... hurt you." I mumbled under my breath, which was met with a humorous chuff from Osias. 

"Are you kidding me? I know how you are, you say shit you don't mean every hour of the day. I know how you operate, it's a defense mechanism." I bit my lip as my foot tapped with anxiety even faster, feeling slightly humiliated that he knew me so well. My immediate response was to reply with anger that he'd figured me out, but I bit my tongue to keep myself from following through with it, tasting blood. 

"...But Corey, on the other hand, doesn't know that. You're doing nothing but hurting him and yourself. Did you know he's been showing up to training looking like he hasn't slept in years?" My heart tugged painfully as he mentioned that Corey seemed utterly exhausted lately, and I rubbed my chest where it hurt. I hadn't noticed. I'd made it a point to not look directly at Corey's face over the past few weeks in an effort to curb the longing in my soul. 

My wolf Luka had gone quiet days ago after desperately pleading for me to go to his mate, eventually giving up after trying every tactic possible to force me into complying. I couldn't lie, I felt pretty bad about denying him his mate as well, but I couldn't help it.

I'd already submitted to Corey more than once. But no matter how much toe-curling pleasure he brought me or how tightly he held me at night, I'd always had that voice in the back of my head. That voice that was branded into my consciousness and flashed in my mind during every waking moment. 

If you are vulnerable, you are nothing.

And for that reason, I could never be with him. 

Part 2 in next Episode