Look at you. You finally made it. Congratulations and welcome to Flower-Fruit Mountain – your last stop before Cave Heaven. You have two choices. You may continue forward to Water-Curtain Cave or you can take a break, catch your breath and listen to a tale while you rest your weary feet. Really, you should do something for them – your feet that is. Soak them. Or better yet hide – ah, cover them up. Here’s a complimentary shroud. No offense meant by it. It’s simply my job to make you comfortable after such a long journey.

So, what do you say? Would you like to hear the adventures of Sun Wukong right here in the very spot where he was born? Indeed, we are currently standing atop the legendary immortal stone that – hold on.

What do you mean ‘Who is he?’

Who?

You mean to say that you know nothing of the Handsome Monkey King Sun Wukong?

Were you born under a duck’s ass?

If you haven’t heard of the handsome and intelligent god king until now, what in Fruitful Heaven’s name are you doing on this tour?

You know what, it doesn’t matter. Save your senseless explanation for some other sun clone. Just pay me and you’ll get your story. Then we can move on with our lives.

Sweet immortal peaches . . . tourists these days.

Uh, excuse me. You call this payment? Haven’t you insulted me enough already from your crustugated bare feet down to your imbecilic derangement of handsome divinity? Pardon?

You want to take it back? As if!

I’ll accept your damn pocket change, but it won’t be worth an origin story of the Monkey King. For a cheap duckass spawn like yourself, you’ll get to hear about one of Sun Wukong’s clones, like me. And no, it won’t be me specifically because I’d have to be dumber than a troll’s only tooth to share any sensitive information about myself with the likes of you. Understand?

More questions? How thick are you?

Yes. I am a clone of Sun Wukong! Can’t you tell by my tail, my teeth, and not to mention my handsome sideburns?

You’ve made it this far on the journey. Surely you’ve met at least a dozen sun clones by now.

No?

Hmmm . . . well, I suppose it would be rude of me not to properly introduce myself. I am Sun Duza, one of the highest ranking bards among the clones. To be honest, I don’t care what you call yourself, so you can put down your hand. I don’t intend on shaking it.

Now, back to the story. 

You will hear the adventures of quite a forgettable, underwhelming clone named Sun Ritsu. That’s precisely what you paid for, so quit your whining. Do you want to hear the story or not?

Thought so.

You’ll probably like this one because where our story starts, Sun Ritsu is as dense and ill-bred as you, Dear Traveler. He winds up working for tips in a remote noodle house for the spirits. Everything about his inadequate existence turns upside down the night he serves a spider spirit on the run from the law. There was a bounty on her head that marked her as wanted – dead or alive . . . .