“Now, as you may have noticed,” Nathan gestured around the room, “the remodeling’s done but it still needs some paint inside.  So…you feel like painting?  It’s been primed already but now it’s time for some color.”

“I…guess?  I don’t know that I’ll be any good at it though.”

Nathan grinned enthusiastically.  “Don’t worry, it’s easy, plus it doesn’t matter if it’s not perfect – I doubt the kids will notice.”

I was about to point out that the parents might, but he was handing me a painting smock and putting one on himself and then opening up paint cans and explaining how this worked – demonstrating, too – before I remembered what I was going to say.

We figured out that since Nathan was tall and I was, um, not, I could deal with the lower portions of the wall while he was responsible for the upper portions.  I carefully rolled the paint roller along the wall, pleased at the smooth dash of bright blue.  This was actually kind of fun.

We talked about random things while we painted.  I wasn’t sure if it was intentional, but Nathan kept asking me about things that were fairly neutral and I was willing to talk about – my favorite food or coffee, what kind of books I liked to read, what movies I liked, that sort of thing.  He shared his own, too, so it wasn’t just me talking, and since it wasn’t about serious stuff, I felt more comfortable.

I was actually pretty relaxed by the time we reached the last wall and was starting to wonder if we were going to do other rooms today, too, when Nathan decided it was time for a serious question.

“Um, so…do you still feel like you never want to be in a relationship again?”

I dropped the roller, sending some spatters of paint on me, the floor, and the lower part of the wall.  Oops.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you.”  Nathan handled me some paper towels and I tried to wipe the paint off my face but probably just smeared it instead.  “I just – I can’t forget our conversation about that and now that I know why you feel like that, it seems a shame that you’re letting your ex ruin any chances of a relationship for you.”

I guess in a way, he probably related to my position – Sorrel wasn’t his ex, but as long Nathan had had feelings for him, a real relationship wasn’t an option.  For me, someone had deliberately destroyed any chances I might have of opening that door again, but the end result was kind of the same.

“I – I don’t know,” I admitted reluctantly, “I don’t like the idea of him affecting me like that but I also can’t see myself ever being okay with a relationship again.”  There would always be that fear.  He had seemed so normal, so polite at first, like he really cared about me, but there was a monster hidden beneath the still waters.  What if I tried with someone else and didn’t see the monster in time, and ended up in the same situation – or worse?  I didn’t know if I could take that chance.  “Besides,” I added after a moment, “I don’t plan to sleep with anyone again so that’s kind of a dealbreaker for relationships, right?”

“Not necessarily.”  Nathan’s voice was calm and I was kind of glad he wasn’t looking at me.  Was I actually talking to Nathan about sex?  This was…weird.  And embarrassing.  “Sex doesn’t have to be a part of all relationships,” he pointed out.  “There are those where it is an important part, it may be how they express their love, but for others….”  He shrugged.  “Like for me, I’m ace.  I don’t experience sexual attraction.  That’s not to say I can’t sleep with someone and enjoy it, it’s more like…like a dish of food, I guess?  I can eat it, enjoy it, but I’m also fine without it.  There may be people for which that is a dealbreaker, but some will understand and respect your feelings.  If you’re upfront about your expectations in the relationship, I think you could have a perfectly healthy, happy relationship with someone even without sex being part of the equation.”

Was that…really possible?

“Although,” Nathan turned to look at me, his eyes serious, “I’d like to point out that your past experience was with someone awful.  It’s not like that in a proper loving relationship with a partner who respects you.  I’m not going to say you need to try – trauma like that can be difficult to overcome and it’s perfectly fine if you’re never okay sleeping with someone again – but if you’re just ruling it out because you’re scared of it being the same with someone else, you might want to, um, consider the possibility that it wouldn’t be.”

I honestly didn’t know if I was scared of sleeping with someone again because of my past or because I expected it to feel like that again.  Probably some of both.

“This is a weird conversation,” I mumbled, ducking my head while I tried to focus more on the paint roller.  Actually, it wasn’t weird so much as awkward and I suddenly was feeling like I didn’t want to be a part of this particular conversation anymore.  At least not when the other participant was Nathan, of all people.  “Besides, it’s all pretty pointless.  It’s not like anyone would want a relationship with me, anyway.”  Especially not if they knew my past, if they knew how broken and – used I was.  People didn’t want someone like that.

I could feel Nathan’s eyes on me for a moment, considering, and then he placed his roller down and came to crouch next to where I was sitting on the floor.

“I’ve been debating whether or not to say anything yet,” he said slowly, “but…for what it’s worth, I’m interested in a relationship with you.”

I froze.  Mostly.  I found myself slowly turning to look at him with wide eyes, like I couldn’t help myself because I had to see if he was serious.

Nathan’s face was calm, kind – but deadly serious.

I felt my breath catch in my throat and felt a moment of rising hysteria.

“Hey,” he reached out and gently took the roller from me, setting it aside.  “Breathe, please don’t panic.  Just listen to me for a minute, okay?”  He waited until he was sure I wasn’t going to have a complete breakdown and then settled himself cross-legged on the floor next to me, his eyes fixed on mine.

“I’ve been interested in you for a while,” he explained.  “I even tried to tell you that, back when we went for lunch at the food truck, but I couldn’t tell if you just didn’t get it or if you weren’t interested in me.  I know I’m probably one of the last people you’d want to consider, given that I’m a rabbit shifter and you were hesitant enough to even be friends with me, but I can guarantee I am not your ex.  I would never hurt you.”  His tone was steely, like he needed me to acknowledge this.

I nodded once.  I did get that.  Even with all my fears about people seeming nice and something evil lurking underneath, I was pretty sure that wasn’t the case with Nathan.  He’d been unreasonably nice and patient with me, even when I was being rude and pushing him away out of my own fears.  He could have gotten mad at me, but he didn’t.  Plus, Riven trusted him, and that mattered.

But I didn’t understand.  He was still getting over his feelings for Sorrel, and Sorrel and I were nothing alike.  In appearance, he was tall, handsome, and radiant while I was just…the opposite.  And I was pretty sure our personalities were nothing alike, either.

So how could Nathan be interested in me?  That didn’t make any sense.

“I’m…not like Sorrel?”

My half question, half statement really seemed to confuse Nathan.  “What?  Of course you’re not, you’re your own person.”  Then realization seemed to dawn.  “Oh.  If you’re worried about my feelings for him, don’t be.  I’m not in love with him anymore.  I haven’t been since…well, a while now.  I’d decided to let go of him before I took that trip to the mountains, and was basically just trying to take a breath of fresh air and accept my new status with him.  As just friends.  I still love him – always will – but not in the same way.”  He leaned back to rest his weight on his hands.  “So I went on that trip and for the first time in over a decade, I had decided I could consider other people.  I was open to the idea of a relationship.  I wasn’t exactly planning to jump into one immediately, but then, I found it…interesting, really, that here I met you, just as I had decided to consider a relationship, and I was inexplicably drawn to you.”  He smiled a little at me, but somewhat shyly.  “Yeah, you’re different from Sorrel, but I’m not attracted to people based on how they look or even their personality type.  I’m more interested in the person themselves.  You…I felt a connection, maybe because of our shared love of kids, and then I just enjoyed hanging around with you.  By the time of that picnic, I knew I was already interested and was trying to figure out if a long-distance relationship would work or how to handle that.  Then,” he shrugged, “well, things kind of, um, took a turn I wasn’t expecting.”

My head was buzzing.  He’d been interested in me since back then?  And – that hadn’t changed learning my past?

I suddenly felt a lot worse about the whole confrontation with him.  The idea of apologizing in front of someone was bad enough, but if Nathan had been forced to watch as he assaulted someone he was interested in…that could be traumatizing in different ways.  And since then, he’d been there at my request, listing to each time I testified about the abuse.  It wasn’t a pretty picture and it seemed even more impossible that it wouldn’t have affected his interest.  Why wasn’t he disgusted with me?

“I…I don’t know what to say.”  My heart was practically jumping up and down in excitement but my head…my head was very much afraid.

“You don’t have to say anything.”  Nathan reached out and gently squeezed my hand reassuringly before releasing it.  “You can think about it.  If you decide against it, it doesn’t need to affect our friendship – I will still be here for you, things can remain as they are now.  But if you are willing, we can try exploring a different side to our relationship.  On your terms, nothing you would be uncomfortable with.”

He was offering something I really wanted, but was terrified to accept.

“But…we’re not even soulmates.”  I hadn’t been soulmates with him, either.  I knew it was exceedingly rare to find a soulmate, whether the soulmate turned out to be a friend or romantic interest, so it wasn’t like I’d ever planned to put that as requirement in a relationship.  The difference was, Nathan already did have a soulmate, Sorrel, and even if he wasn’t in love with him anymore, it just felt – felt uneven, somehow.  That he had been in love with his soulmate.  That wasn’t something I could ever compete against.

Nathan’s brows drew together.  “Miles,” he said gently, “did your parents ever explain how you recognize a soulmate?”

Well…no.  They thought the idea of soulmates was ridiculous.  I was just romantic enough to think it was a beautiful idea, finding someone who would match your soul, whether it was friend or partner.  Maybe that had been crushed some since then, but I did still believe in the idea.  I mean, Riven had told me back between the trials that I was his platonic soulmate, which maybe explained some of my immediate attachment to him, and I believed him – he could see soulmate bonds with his unicorn vision anyway – so clearly I believed in soulmates, but I hadn’t even realized he was mine until he told me so.  I had no idea how to recognize them on my own.

When I shook my head, Nathan’s eyes softened a little.  “It’s different for different species.  Fairies apparently have this moment where something just clicks in their head and they know.  For shifters, though,” he was speaking more slowly, hesitantly, his eyes carefully searching my face, “it’s more like your heart tells you this person is important to you.  Like even if you haven’t known them for long, it screams at you that you need to be together.  We don’t usually know whether it’s a platonic or romantic soulmate – and even if it starts as platonic it can sometimes change – though some shifters do know from the beginning.  I suppose it can be a little hard to distinguish from infatuation,” he admitted, “but usually there’s some part of you that just knows.  Plus, with a soulmate, reason and even,” he hesitated ever so slightly, “fear won’t work to completely drown out your heart.  It’ll still insist that you need to be with this person.”

I could feel my mouth open a little in astonishment.

Wait.  So…wait.  Did that mean that all this time when my heart had been telling me it liked him, even when I tried to talk it out of it…that it was trying to tell me we were soulmates?

“We are soulmates,” Nathan confirmed quietly, his eyes still searching my stunned face.  “But like I said, it can be a platonic thing.  It’s part of the reason I couldn’t give up on being friends with you.”

Was that also the reason I kept letting him in even when I was scared to?  Even when it went against my rules of not being around prey shifters?

But…but my heart hadn’t just insisted on friendship from the beginning, it wanted more.  Did that mean I was one of the shifters who could know if this was a romantic soulmate?

I suddenly put my face in my hands.  “I’m so confused.”

“Yeah, sorry, that might have been a bit much to drop on you all at once,” he murmured.  “I just presumed you’d realized the soulmate thing already.”

I hadn’t.  Apparently I should have, but I hadn’t.

“I don’t know what to do,” I admitted in a whisper.  “I do like you, and you’re kind of my ideal guy,” okay maybe I shouldn’t have said that, now that I had it seemed very embarrassing to admit, “but I’m scared.”

“Then,” Nathan scooted a little closer and carefully reached out, taking one of my hands in his, holding my fingers loosely.  He waited until I looked at our hands, then at him, before continuing.  “Why don’t we give it a try, but go slowly, like very slowly?  Until you’re sure, until you’re not scared of where we’re at, and then we take another step.  I can’t promise it won’t be scary – honestly starting a relationship is always a little scary because of the possibility to be hurt emotionally and the prospect of being vulnerable with someone – but if you’re willing, I’d really like to try.”

Try…a relationship with Nathan?  That sounded, well, exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time.  He was a prey shifter, which I hadn’t wanted to be involved with ever again.  But he was kind, gentle, he could make me laugh, and we had a dream together.

My heart insisted it was crazier for me to refuse than to give in.

So for once, I listened to my heart.