“You think,” I hesitated, “you think Nathan would still want to be friends with me?  Even after I got him hurt?”

Riven gave me a slightly scolding look.  “I just said you didn’t get him hurt, pay attention!  But yes of course he does!  He put himself in that position because he cares about you, and he’s been checking in with me and Ren constantly trying to make sure you’re okay.  He doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable but he really cares about you.  If you give him a chance, I think you’ll find he’ll be delighted that you let him in again.”

Maybe…maybe I could ask and see if he still wanted to be friends after what happened.  Maybe it was okay to let him choose to stay friends.

And maybe I could one day forgive myself for getting him hurt.  Regardless of what Riven said, I did know that if it weren’t for me, he’d have never gotten hurt.

After we finished the pastries, Riven took the plate back downstairs and offered me more tea before he had to leave to go get some books from the library that he needed to write a paper for his class.  I drank it, thinking, and then went back downstairs to retrieve the letter I’d written.

This time I wrote a new one.

Nathan,

Thank you for helping me with my ex.  I didn’t want you to get hurt, I’m sorry.

I never wanted to get any prey shifter hurt.  I really didn’t mean to.  But Riven seems to think you might be willing to forgive me and still be friends anyway.  If you do, I will try not to get you hurt again.  If you don’t, I won’t talk to you anymore.

I’m sorry.

Miles

Was that – too honest?  Could I just come out and ask that in a letter?  It reminded me of back in elementary school when kids would pass a note saying to circle yes or no about stuff.  I stuffed it in an envelope and wrote his name on it.

I waffled back and forth on the letter for a while, trying to decide if it was better to give the original or the revised version.  Would it really be safe to be his friend?  What if I got him hurt again?  He – he didn’t deserve that.

So, which letter to give him?  Did I really still want to be friends?  Well duh, of course.  I liked him, a lot.  He was nice, he believed me, he was gentle – and we got along easily.  Easily other than the whole predator/prey thing.  But…that was just it, wasn’t it?  I did like him, even apart from the stupid crush thing.  And I didn’t want him to get hurt again because of me.

My eyes went back and forth between the two letters and I groaned, unable to make up my mind.  But then I thought back to that moment when I’d had to decide whether to let him have me or try to run and risk letting Nathan get killed.  I’d decided I couldn’t be selfish and had to protect him.

The same applied here, too, right?  It was selfishness that wanted to try to still be friends, to hope he’d forgive me despite everything.  I wasn’t thinking of his best interests.

Reluctantly, feeling that cloud of depression again, I closed my eyes, buried my face in my hands for a moment, then sighed and reached out to grab the letter, which I then took it back downstairs to the side table.

I turned to go back upstairs when someone whistled to catch my attention.  I nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw Beatrice sitting sprawled out on the armchair.

“Hey, never got a chance to officially meet you,” she informed me from her weird position – which involved her back against an armrest and her feet on the back of the chair and did not look comfortable.  “I’m Beatrice, Riven’s friend.”

“Um, Miles.”  I hadn’t met any naga before.  I wondered if there was something special I should do?  Did they shake hands?  “Oh, uh, thanks for helping.  He – I – you may have saved my life.  At least Nathan’s.”

“Eh, he seemed like a creep.  I beat those guys up for free.”  Her eyes were slitted, like a snake’s, and were studying me closely.  I felt a little nervous under her gaze, but she was Riven’s friend, right?  So she must be okay.

“Yeah he, uh, isn’t the nicest guy.”  I agreed.

She laughed abruptly.  “Dude, he was talking about you like you were his pet.  Pretty sure you’re allowed to say more than just he’s ‘not nice.’  You wanna go throw things at him in the prison cell?  Yell at him?  We can arrange that.”

I looked at her with a mixture of horror and shock.  “I – no!  No!  I’d never see him again if I had my way, he makes me feel so – ”  I stopped, unable to continue.

She observed me again for a minute, then shrugged.  “People handle exes in different ways,” she seemed thoughtful.  “I liked this guy, a human.  Thought I might even be able to convince him to be okay with a naga.  Long story short, turned out he was a Hunter trying to use me to get into my nest and kill us all.  Kinda ruined the romance, ya know?”  She rolled her eyes.  “I channeled my hurt into making him pay.  Revenge and all that.  Killed him myself, made sure his friends all walked into our trap.  It was satisfying.”  The look on her face was fiendish delight.  “But,” she added, her face going back to more of a normal look, “it’s okay to handle it differently.  I think.  I dunno, Riven seemed surprised I wasn’t more heartbroken, but I just got too pissed off to be sad about it.  I wanted to yell at the guy and demand answers before killing him with my bare hands.”

Should I be mad?  I mean…maybe.  He’d stolen my life, my identity.  He’d abused me, crushed my spirit, mocked me, and then framed me for something he did.  Maybe I should be angry.  I just didn’t know if I knew how to be mad anymore.

“So Riven seems to like you, which means you must be pretty cool,” Beatrice told me, suddenly shifting subjects.  “He also said you’re like tiny in shifted form?”

It seemed we shared an appreciation for Riven’s judgment – if Riven said someone was a friend, then they must be okay.

“Yeah, I’m a fennec fox.”

“Ooookay,” she said slowly.  Her face was blank.

Ah.  She had no idea what that meant.

I shrugged a little to myself and shifted.

Beatrice gasped and came over closer, picking me up before I could do anything more than squeak a protest.  “Oooh, I didn’t think I was into cute things, but it seems like you’re fucking adorable!”  She practically beamed at me.  “Look at you.  Look at those ears.”

If I’d have been human, I’d probably have blushed.  I wasn’t used to someone fawning over me like she was now doing.  Saying I was cute, yes.  Tiny, yes.  But acting like I was cutest thing on the planet?  That was new.

“Um, wow, I don’t even know who you are anymore,” Riven’s voice came from the door.  “Who are you and what did you do with Beatrice?”

She spun around to look at him.  “You said he was tiny, you did not explain how fucking cute he is!”  She glared at him accusatorily.  “Why doesn’t Ren take like a million pictures of him?  He likes cute animals, right?”

Riven covered his mouth, trying not to laugh.  “Wow, okay.  Calm down a bit, B, he barely knows you.  Also, since when did you like cute things?  You didn’t even care when we adopted Sapphire, you just said she looked like an overgrown marshmallow.”

“I don’t know,” she wailed as she set me down gently on the couch.  “I’ve never thought stuff was all that cute before!  My nest mates would laugh if they saw me.  You,” she said suddenly, pointing at Riven, “it’s all your fault!  First I become friends with a human – who maybe turns out not to be a human – then I make friends with a freaking fairy, then an actual human, and now I’m finding things cute?  It’s all your fault!”

“Riiight.”  Riven gave her an amused look.  “I’ll try to stop ruining your street cred?”

Beatrice sat back and started grumbling to herself, which I took as permission to shift back to human form.  She looked at me a little wistfully when I did.  “You’re a really cute fox,” she admitted.  Then suddenly her entire expression changed to fury, such a sudden change that I sat back a little, concerned.  “And that fucking deer was hurting you, wasn’t he?  What kind of creep hurts something so cute?”

“He, uh, never saw my shifted form?”  I volunteered tentatively.

She seemed surprised.  “How come?  Weren’t you like, together?  Or did I miss something?”

“No, we were, but I never showed him.  I think,” I said slowly, “at some point I realized subconsciously that he would use it against me.  By the time I saw him for who he truly was, I knew I couldn’t show him because he’d just use it to hurt me worse.”

Beatrice crossed her arms, still looking murderously angry.  “Kinda regret not poisoning him now.  Look, Tidbit,” she told me, “if you ever have issues with someone like that again, come find me.  I’ll kick their ass, kill ‘em if you want me to.  No charge – you’re a friend of Riven’s and for some reason you seem to have made me realize I find some things cute, which is fucking frustrating but whatever, so yeah, you need something?  Let me know.”

I felt a whole lot of emotions flow through me but only came away with one question.  “Tidbit?”

“His name is Miles!”  Riven called from the kitchen.

“I know, I know.”  Beatrice rolled her eyes.  “I call people by their name when they earn my respect,” she informed me.  “Otherwise, nicknames.  Ren was ‘fairy boy’ until I found out about his art.  You, though, you might keep your nickname, just because it fits.”

“Oh.”  I didn’t know how to respond to that.  Should I be insulted or pleased?  I really couldn’t tell anymore.

Riven came over and leaned on the back of the couch.  “Are you staying for dinner?”

“Fuck no,” Beatrice responded, making a face.  “You all just eat green stuff.  I like real food.”

Riven laughed.  “Don’t pretend you don’t like what we make just because it’s vegetarian.  As I recall, you said you couldn’t even tell the difference.”

“Don’t recall embarrassing things,” she told him.  “Now I’m going to go before I do more embarrassing things or find out I suddenly want to start knitting or something.”  She shuddered.  “You’re corrupting me, Riven.  I know you are.”

He stuck his tongue out at her.  “Next time come back when I’m actually here so we can hang out.”

“Sure, sure.”  She paused to wink at me.  “Nice to meet you, Tidbit.”  And then she was gone, like a whirlwind.

I looked at Riven, a little bewildered.  “Is she always like that?”

“Eh, no, the getting excited about you being cute was new.”  He slid down onto the couch next to me.  “Actually we didn’t really start out on good terms – it was before I was protected and she kind of half strangled me.  But once we started talking, I found out she’s really cool.  She wants to become naga boss – the head of her nest – a position no girl had ever gotten before.  She’s tough and won’t let anyone stand in her way.  And she’s a really good friend.”  He gave me a sideways look.  “She likes you, so, that’s good news for you.  She can be a bit abrasive at times but once you get past that, she’s fun to be around and you know you can count on her.”

“That’s nice.”  I pulled my knees up to my chest.  “But…what if I don’t stay here?”

Riven looked at me, alarmed again.  “What do you mean?  Are you planning to leave?  I didn’t mean to make you feel like that!  Please don’t go!”

“I’m not, I mean, I don’t know.  I came here because I was hiding in Nathan’s bag – it wasn’t like I was exactly planning to move here.  I don’t know if I should go back home if all this gets fixed.”  I didn’t really want to go back to where I’d grown up.  I felt like Retherwood was ruined for me.  All I could feel when I thought of it was the fear and despair from being trapped by him and the betrayal when I’d realized my friends and even my own parents didn’t believe me.

“Well,” Riven admitted slowly, “I guess you do have family there, although – well, I mean, we’d like it if you stay.  I understand if you want to go get closure with them or whatever after it’s proven you were innocent and told the truth all along, but if you want to stay here, you are making some new friends, like Ren and me, and Beatrice, and Nathan if you’re willing.  I think you’d like it here if you give it a chance.”

“I think I’d like to stay, but I’m not sure if I should return.”

He considered that.  “Do you have anything tying you there other than your family?”

I shook my head.

“Then my two cents is that you shouldn’t do it for them.  They weren’t there for you when you needed it most, they didn’t believe in you.  I’m not saying you shouldn’t forgive them, you probably should for your own sake, eventually, but I also don’t think you should give up what you want for them.  Let yourself be selfish and think of what’s best for you and your mental health.”

For my mental health?  That would be anywhere by Retherwood, regardless of my family.

Ren came through the front door, spotted us on the couch, and a warm light lit his eyes.  He came over and gave Riven a long, deep kiss, ignoring me.  When he broke it, he was blushing slightly as he looked at me.

“Hi Miles.  Sorry, no kiss for you.”

That got a startled laugh from me.  “I don’t – I don’t want one?”

“Good,” Riven giggled, “I don’t want to share them with you.”

The rest of the evening was pretty relaxed, which was nice after all the stress I’d been under lately.  I went to bed feeling like maybe I could start unwinding this tangled bundle that was my life and fell asleep before I even figured out what the first step was in that process.