Nathan attempted to come by and see me the following day after he was discharged.  He’d apparently asked Riven and Ren to give me messages before that, but I had refused to take them.

I didn’t know how to handle this.  On the one hand, I needed to thank him for trying to protect me and getting himself hurt in the process.  On the other hand, I couldn’t see him again, couldn’t talk to him.  I definitely couldn’t be around him.  But since I hadn’t explained all that, it probably just came across as very rude and ungrateful to just stop talking to him all of a sudden.

That didn’t stop me from shifting when I realized he was at the front door, racing out the back door which was open for Sapphire to take advantage of, and using a combination of jumping and climbing to get up the tree and up the side of the house until I was on the roof.  I heard Riven and Nathan calling for me for a while, then eventually just saw Riven down in the yard, looking around anxiously, while Nathan’s car headed down the street.

“You know,” Ren suddenly spoke up next to me, “you could just refuse to see him instead of climbing up here.  This seems potentially dangerous.”

I startled and scrambled a few feet away, staring at him with my heart pounding.

He laughed and stuck out his tongue playfully at me.  “I’m a fairy, silly.  I can fly.  I saw you come up here and decided to follow you.  We have fairy enchantments on the house that prevent people from breaking in, but we also have some that basically prevent humans from seeing anything, uh, unusual in the yard area.  It allows us to fly a little if we want, or shifters to shift without worry, that sort of thing.  I can’t fly all over town without risking being seen, but in the little domain of our home?”  He shrugged.  “It’s fine.”

Then his face turned serious.  “I don’t know what’s going on with you and Nathan, and I won’t force you to talk to him, but whatever it is, please consider talking to him soon.  He’s very,” Ren seemed to be searching for the right word, “concerned about the current state of things.  He’s not entirely sure what happened, though I’m assuming it has something to do with the encounter with your ex.  Sometimes it can be hard to know how to deal with people who went through a traumatic event with you.  If you don’t want to talk to him in person, at least consider writing him a letter.  Just think about it, okay?”  He gave me a kind smile.

Ren and Riven were so nice to me.  I didn’t really understand it.  I hadn’t done anything to help them.  I didn’t deserve this kind of kindness.  I basically just moved into their house and ate their food and expected them to be okay with it.

If I was safe now, if he really couldn’t get me anymore, then maybe it was time to consider finding a place to live instead of imposing on them.  I was afraid at some point they’d get tired of me and stop being nice, and I really didn’t want that.  I just wanted them to stay my friends, so if I was going to keep them, I at least needed to make sure I didn’t give them any reason to dislike me.

Which started with taking to Nathan, apparently, since Ren wanted me to do that.  Reluctantly, after Ren left, I climbed back down, startling Riven when I jumped out of the tree to the bench next to him.

“Oh, there you are!  Ren said you were okay but didn’t say where you went.”  He looked up at the tree, then back at me.  “I didn’t know foxes could climb trees.  Interesting.”

If I’d been in human form, I would have shrugged.  Instead I went to the door, then looked back at him.  Riven came over and obligingly opened the door for me.  I went inside, then hesitated, turned and came back to rub my face against his foot as a thank you, then bounded inside and up the stairs to the guest room.

I wanted to stay in shifted form since I felt safer in it, but I couldn’t exactly write that way, so I reluctantly shifted back.  Once in human form, I hesitantly sat down at the window seat and struggled to write my letter.

Nathan,

I want to thank you for helping me with my ex.  I don’t know what would have happened if you weren’t there.  I’m sorry you got hurt.  It was all my fault and I wish it hadn’t happened.

I hesitated.  Now what?  Tell him the same thing I’d told him back in the woods that day after the picnic?  It hadn’t seemed to work.  Maybe I needed to be more straightforward.

I think I made a mistake agreeing to be friends – no, that wasn’t it.  I crossed that out and tried again.

While I appreciate all you’ve done for me, I think my previous plan – aaaand that was no good either.  How could I tell him I just wanted him to be safe and he couldn’t be safe with me?

I put my head in my hands.  I wasn’t great with words.  I could be awkward and rude and abrupt, though some of that might have been due to four plus years spent under the thumb of one man who barely let me talk to anyone else.  I used to be able to talk to people normally, but I didn’t know how to do that anymore.

I frowned at the letter and decided I had to get it right this time.

You have been very kind in trying to befriend me, but I think it’s best for both of us if we aren’t friends.  I hope you find some other friends who are safer.  I’ll make sure not to stay at Riven and Ren’s house for too much longer so you can visit them again.

That sounded…mostly okay.  Now how to close it?

I’m sorry.  Thank you for everything.

Miles

I read over the letter twice.  I wasn’t 100% happy with it, but it would have to do.  I carefully sealed it up in an envelope, wrote Nathan’s name on the front, and took it downstairs where I set it on the side table by the front door.

Then I spent the rest of the day in the guest room, crying over the loss of a friendship and a relationship I wasn’t allowed to have.

I heard a knock at the door after a while and reluctantly got up to peek out, finding Riven there.  He had a plate of some sort of baked goods in his hand and smiled at me hesitantly.

“I thought you might like some sweets, they can help when you’re feeling down.”

I let him in.

Riven came and sat on the bed with me, just eating the fruity…whatever it was without saying anything.  It was probably obvious that I’d been crying – no doubt my eyes were red and my face splotchy – but he didn’t say a word about it.

Riven was nice that way.  Him and Ren both, really.  They didn’t push me to talk, although they did let me know I could.  Sometimes they encouraged me to talk, like Ren asking me to think about talking to Nathan, but they didn’t try to force me.

“I wish I wasn’t a shifter,” I said suddenly.  “I wish I was just human.”

Riven raised one eyebrow.  “You think life would be easier as a human?  Humans deal with stuff like abusive relationships, too.”  His tone wasn’t challenging, just matter-of-fact.

“Well, yes, they do,” I struggled to figure out how to say this, “but it’s less complicated.  None of this…predator/prey stuff.  Feels like everything would be easier.”

“Hmm.”  Riven wiped his fingers on one of the napkins he’d brought up.  “You know, I used to feel that way.  A lot.  I spent so many years just trying to pretend I was normal when I knew I wasn’t.  I mean, I didn’t know I was supernatural,” he shrugged, “but yeah, I get it.  Supernatural life is complicated sometimes.  You have secret wars going on in the city or difficulty getting along with someone due to species issues – like naga and fairies.  They don’t have as much of an issue with each other in this city as they used to, but all the species have added layers to the same things humans have to deal with.”

I looked at him, hesitating.  “But you seem to be okay with being a supernatural now?”

He bit his lower lip in thought.  “When Adair – Ren’s dad – first suggested I might be a supernatural, I freaked out.  I ran off because that was my coping mechanism – running away.  It took me a few months to accept that it might be true, a lot of time of thinking about my past and things which didn’t make sense if I were human.  It helped that Ren and his family were fine with it, were supportive, and helped me understand what was going on.  But it also helped that, well, there wasn’t anything to do about it.  I was supernatural, and we can’t just run around altering our DNA to be something we’re not.  I had to make peace with what I am and just learn to accept it.  It’s not always easy,” he admitted.  “I mean, look at me – everyone thinks I’m human, and I have no magical talents.  I have to be protected like a human because it’s not like I can do much on my own, while everyone around me can at least protect themselves.  Sometimes it kind of sucks.”  He pulled one knee up to his chest and selected another pastry to eat.  “Sometimes I still wish I had some kind of magic so I could actually do something.  Like with your ex, I mean I know I’m safe, if he’d tried to hurt me it wouldn’t have worked and actually would have basically summoned Ren, who is trained to deal with shifter issues.  I actually thought for a moment about intentionally trying to get him to attack me to do that, but it just seemed like I’d be manipulating Ren’s protection mark – plus Beatrice was with me anyway, and she’s second in command of her nest, so she’s not to be trifled with.

“Anyway, point is, I guess I’ve accepted that I’m supernatural, but sometimes I’m still not thrilled with where that leaves me.  But I have several friends who care about me and want to keep me safe, and I have abilities that are useful in certain contexts.  It helps me feel more useful.  I think,” he glanced at me, “maybe part of why you’re struggling is because so much focus has been on you being a predator, when that really…was just an excuse for him to justify what he was doing.  It didn’t actually have anything to do with it at all.  At the end of the day, it was about a man being abusive, and what you are and what he is has nothing to do with that.  But look, you’re finally free for the first time in years, not stuck under his control, not having him as a constant threat.  Maybe it’s time you have something to focus on in your life other than this.  Maybe you can start thinking of hobbies again, or volunteering with kids, whatever – you can start trying to figure out your life again.”

I liked that idea, trying to introduce something other than this whole situation back into my life.  Maybe not having a distraction made me obsess over the whole predator/prey thing even more.  “I was thinking about trying to get a job and move out,” I admitted.  “The plan was I stay until I was safe, and that’s pretty much over now, right?”

Riven gave me a soft smile, but he looked slightly alarmed too.  “Don’t be in too much of a rush!  You can stay as long as you want.  We like having you here.  I mean, obviously if you want to leave, that’s fine, but don’t hurry off on our account.  You can stay here after you get a job if you like, ease back into everything a little more slowly.  I bet we – well, Ren’s family – can even help you find a job.  And Miles, don’t feel in a rush to get back to everything if you’re not ready yet.  I wasn’t trying to say you need to go back to normal instantly.  If you want to wait – or if you want to go to therapy or something before or after finding a job – that’s fine, too.  You’ve gone through something traumatic, you don’t have to be in a rush to get back to how you were before all this.  Give yourself time to adjust and find yourself again.  If getting a job helps with that, good.  If it turns out to be too stressful, don’t worry about it.”

Finding myself.  That was true, I’d completely lost who I used to be.  Well, not lost so much as had it crushed and beaten out of me.

He fiddled with the edge of the comforter.  “Do you want to talk about Nathan?”  He asked hesitantly.  “You don’t have to, it’s just – you seemed okay until we got to the hospital.  I didn’t see anything happen other than Sorrel coming in and – ”  He stopped.

I could almost see the wheels turning and knew he was going to jump to the wrong conclusion.

“It’s not – that,” I admitted quietly.  “I mean, Nathan would be my type, would be kind of my ideal guy – he even likes kids too, you know? – but he’s a prey shifter so that’s not even an option.  Not again, ever.  I don’t know if I’d ever be willing to try with anyone ever again, anyway, not after – not after that.”

“But?”  He prompted.

“He got hurt because of me,” I whispered, a lump in my throat.  “I got a prey shifter hurt.  I wasn’t – I thought – I didn’t think I’d hurt him.  I really didn’t.  But then I did and I didn’t mean to!  I – I – ”

Riven grabbed my upper arms as I started to go into a panic.  “Hey, hey, it’s okay.  Shhh.  Breathe.  Okay?  Just breathe with me.”

I gulped in deep breaths, listening to him, slowly letting my heartrate return to normal.

“You’re wrong, by the way,” Riven said gently when I calmed down enough to breathe normally.  “You didn’t get him hurt.  Your ex did.  Your ex was the one who hurt him and you shouldn’t feel responsible for that.”

I choked back a hysterical laugh.  “My ex only hurt him because of me.  How is that not my fault?”

Riven shrugged.  “Nathan chose to get involved, for one thing.  For another, your ex is crazy, you can’t take responsibility for a crazy’s person’s actions.  I mean, I guess you can, but you shouldn’t – I’ve learned that from personal experience.  You didn’t make him chase after you and try to kill someone to get to you.  No,” he stopped me before I could speak, “you didn’t.  That was his choice, his obsession.  You would have left him alone and never contacted him again.  Nathan said you were even willing to go back with your ex to try to protect him – that is pretty much the opposite of getting him hurt.  You were doing everything you could to protect him.  Also, Nathan being a prey shifter and you being a predator has nothing to do with it in this context.  If he’d had been human, Nathan would have done the exact same thing, and same if you’d have been human.  Don’t blame your shifter type for this.  The only one to blame is your ex.  If you want to be mad at someone, be mad at him.”

I sank back dejectedly.  “I can’t be mad at him, I’m too busy being scared of him,” I mumbled.

“I can kind of understand that, after everything he put you through.”  Riven touched a hand to my shoulder until I looked back up at him, and then he smiled at me.  “It takes time to work through stuff like this.  It took over four years for your ex to break you down.  You’re not going to go back to normal overnight.  Don’t be discouraged if it takes a while.  But please don’t blame yourself for his choices, either.  That’s not a burden you should bear.”