Nathan showed up promptly in the morning with donuts.  Donuts.  I hadn’t had donuts in years and the kids were excited, too.  Susanna seemed happy with the unexpected treat and even happier with Nathan’s offer to help out while he was in town.  We got some extra help with the kids and he got to spend his vacation playing with kids, so he claimed it all worked out.

Meanwhile, I had to wonder how spending time away to think worked out when he was spending all his time taking care of children instead.

Still, I liked getting to spend time with another adult, and a man at that.  He was nice, he was funny when he wanted to be, and he was great with the kids.  He wasn’t that bad to look at, either, and, well, he loved kids.  If it hadn’t been for one thing, I might have had a massive crush on him.

The one thing, though, was kind of a dealbreaker.  I’d realized on the second time with him, when I caught a whiff of something as he moved to pick up one of the kids, that Nathan was a shifter, too.  I hadn’t noticed in the first night because I’d been focused on other things and trying to keep a distance from him.

The realization had made me freeze, but thankfully I’d managed to catch myself and turn away before he could notice.

I know, I know, I’m a shifter, weird that I’m against a relationship with another shifter, right?  I’d just…I’d learned better.  Shifters were no good for me.  Even if I didn’t know what kind of shifter he was, it really didn’t matter – shifters were off limits.

So I told myself very firmly that even if Nathan might be my type, it didn’t matter.  He was just a nice stranger who was helping out briefly and then he’d be gone.  I wasn’t going to let my feelings get involved.

And then he went and decided to take us all on a picnic.  Damn it.  Why’d he have to be so nice?  Why’d he have to decide to take us on a picnic in the woods, which was pretty much my dream date?  I mean, obviously it wasn’t a date and there were kids running around and Susanna was there, too…but it still made my heart insist that he was perfect and I should like him.

I spent most of the picnic sitting off to the side, arguing with my heart, and only engaging with the little ones when they needed help.

Nathan approached me when the picnic was over and Susanna took the kids back for a nap, leaving me and Nathan to clean up on our own.  He had a cautious look on his face as he came over.  “Are you okay, Miles?  Did I do something wrong?  You’ve seemed kind of distant all day.”

I decided it was safest not to look at him, so I instead focused on meticulously folding up the dirty napkins and placing them in the basket.  “You’re fine, I’m just…thinking about stuff.”

“Anything you want to talk about?”  His voice was kind, open.  “You looked a little stressed.”

I sighed deeply.  “You ever started to feel interested in someone you shouldn’t but you can’t talk yourself out of it?”  I hoped I wasn’t giving away too much information, but surely he had no idea I was maybe possibly having a teeny crush on him.  I was decently good at hiding my emotions, after all – anything other than fear, anyway.  Well, better than decent.  I’d been trained into it for years, I should be fucking perfect at it.

“Actually yes.”  Nathan took a seat next to me, resting his elbows on his knees while he looked out at the forest, brooding.  “I fell in love with my best friend,” he explained.  “He’s my soulmate, but…in the friend sense only.  At least for him.  He’s straight.”

I paused, taking a moment to look at his face.  “Is this the same person you gave up your daycare dream for?”  I couldn’t help but ask.

He seemed a little startled but nodded sheepishly.  “My friend’s a vet.  When I realized he was going to vet school, I knew we’d never really have time together anymore if I opened a daycare like I wanted.  But I couldn’t let myself give up my time with him, so I decided to take the landscaping job instead.  I didn’t intend initially for it to last past his vet school, but,” he shrugged, “it’s more convenient this way anyway.”

I frowned.  “So…you gave up your dream for a guy who will never love you.  Seems kind of like a poor outcome for you.”

“He does love me,” Nathan corrected, “just as a friend.”

My eyes narrowed, picking up on something he wasn’t quite saying.  “Does he know how you feel?  And he just lets you give up your life like that, leading you on?”

Nathan shook his head quickly.  “No, it’s not like that.  Yes, he realized, some years ago.  He actually tried to bring it up, I think he wanted to talk about it so he could officially reject me and help me move on.  I just didn’t let him and told him I wasn’t interested in that.”

He glanced sideways at me, seeing my incredulous face, and laughed a sad little laugh.  “I’m ace,” he explained.  “I’ve never been that interested in sex, so for me, just being in love was okay.  I didn’t need to have the physical side, and he’s my best friend, so I thought that was enough.”  Then his face got pensive.  “So my friend, Sorrel, I’ve known his family since I was really small.  His little brother is with this guy, Riven.  Riven is pretty much the sweetest person you’d ever meet, but super perceptive, too.  When he realized I had feelings for Sorrel, he gave me this whole speech about how it was my choice what to do with my life, but he thought I deserved a chance to be loved back.”

Nathan rested his hands behind him and leaned back on them.  “I hadn’t thought of it that way.  I’ve always assumed that whenever Sorrel finally found someone, seeing him in a relationship would finally let me move on, but as long as he was single…I could be okay with it.  I’m still interested in romance, I still want someone in my life like that.  I just figured I’d be okay with my best friend sort of unintentionally filling that role, but Riven made me start to think whether that was really the best option.  Whether I’ve been shutting out the possibility of someone who could be my person just because I can’t give up on my stupid fairy best friend.”  He sighed heavily.

Wait.  Fairy.  And…he’d mentioned soulmates.  Come to think of it, that wasn’t exactly a human thing to talk about.  That must mean he’d realized I was a shifter, too.  I mean, if I realized he was, I shouldn’t be surprised he recognized me as one, too, but I couldn’t help but feel a pang of fear with the realization.

I didn’t want people to know what I was.  I didn’t want to be involved with other shifters.  If I’d had my way, I could just be human, living in a human world.  It’d be safer that way.

Nathan glanced sideways at me and seemed started by my withdrawn expression.  “Sorry, I guess that was a bit much to share.  I didn’t really mean to, but your question brought it out.  Truth is,” he admitted, “that’s why I’m on this trip.  I wanted to get away for a bit and try to reset my life, as it were.  But I didn’t need to unload all of that on you.”

“It’s okay,” I said stiffly.  “I – won’t tell anyone.”

I got the impression that wasn’t the answer he expected, but I didn’t really want to continue the conversation, either.  To be honest, I found myself regretting that he’d decided to take his time out to think in this town over any other he could have chosen.

What was the point in being attracted to a guy who was in love with someone else?  So what if he was my ideal guy?  He was a shifter, he knew I was a shifter, and he was in love with someone else – three very good reasons not to have anything more to do with him.

“Did you want to talk about who you’re in love with and not supposed to be?”  He asked quietly.  “You don’t have to, but it can help.  It’s helped me a lot, to be honest, to start talking about this with people.  Riven, you.  It sort of sets it out bleakly in front of me and I can’t hide it anymore.”

I shook my head.  He was the last person I’d want to talk to about that particular issue.  “Doesn’t matter,” I said shortly.  “I have no intention of ever getting involved with anyone.”

He looked at me in surprise.  “Ever?  Is it – are you ace, too?  Or is it something else?”

“Not ace.”  It wasn’t that, though maybe it was similar.  Sex repulsed, was that the term?  For me it was probably more like sex traumatized.  I never wanted anyone to touch me like that again.  Yet another reason not to be attracted to anyone, it wasn’t like I was willing to commit.  “Just…don’t want to be in a relationship.”  I finally said.

Nathan seemed to accept this as an answer.  “That’s fair.  Not everyone has to be, some people are fulfilled by themselves and that’s perfectly fine.  You’re still young yet, though – don’t completely shut out the possibility of love this early.  Which I guess is an ironic thing, coming from me,” he laughed lightly, but with a touch of sadness.  “But love can be a beautiful thing, even when it’s not returned.”

“Yeah,” I muttered softly, “right until it fucking destroys you and turns out to all be a big lie.  There’s no such thing as real love.”

He’d heard me, which was not what I’d intended, and looked at me this time with concern.  “You’ve – you’ve had a bad experience with love, haven’t you?”  He finally asked.

I hugged myself and refused to answer, which was probably enough of an answer anyway.

“I’m sorry,” he told me gently.  “Sorry you went through that, whatever happened.  But I disagree about there being no such thing as real love.  I hope someday you get to experience it for yourself.”

He was being so nice, even without knowing anything about what was going on with me, that I thawed a little, started to relax, and was about to tell him he didn’t need to apologize when we heard a long, echoing howl.

I knew who that was, it was one of the town elders.  A wolf shifter, he sometimes wandered around in the woods at twilight, like now – how had it already gotten this late? – and howled to the moon about his sadness over his long-lost wife.  It was the only time he would really let himself mourn her.  I felt sad for him, trying to go about his days pretending he was okay, and only at night really letting out his pain.  I suppose, in a way, his timing was actually a bit ironic – talk about loving someone for that long.  I suppose to him, at least, his love was very real.

Nathan, however, stiffened when he heard the howl.

I glanced over at him, curiously.  Shifters weren’t usually scared of animals.  “It’s a town elder,” I explained.  “He’s just mourning his wife.”

“Ah.”  Nathan looked like he was making an effort to relax, but it wouldn’t quite work.  He sighed a little when he noticed me watching him.  “I’m not really good with wolf shifters,” he admitted reluctantly.  “I got attacked by one a few months ago when we were having some trouble with predator-shifters in our town.  I would have died if someone hadn’t stopped him in time.”

I felt my heart start pounding in my ears.  I – I really hoped he wasn’t implying what I thought he was, but I suddenly needed to know.

“Are you…are you a prey-type shifter?”  I asked.

His eyes focused on me, and I prayed to any deity out there that he wouldn’t recognize my fear.  “I am,” he confirmed, my heart sinking at the words.  “I’m an English lop.  A rabbit.”

I felt like choking.  He was a prey shifter.  Of all – why was I so stupid?  I couldn’t be around him.  I couldn’t.  I couldn’t risk it all happening again.

He was a shifter, he was in love with someone else, and he was a prey shifter.  Of all the combinations, it had to be the worst possible one on the planet.  And this was the person my heart insisted I was falling for.

It made me want to vomit.  Either that or start running away again, but vomiting seemed like the better option.  Just – not yet.  First get back to the orphanage, then deal with vomiting.

“I’m sorry, I have to go.”  I jumped up, yanked the blanket up, stuffed it in the basket, and started to take a few steps away.  Then I stopped.  I didn’t look back at him because I was afraid I’d throw up.  “Um, I can’t – I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”  I knew I was being rude, knew he was probably shocked and confused, but it didn’t really matter.  “If you want to keep coming by the orphanage while you’re here just please let me work inside or something and don’t talk to me.”

Then I ran off, leaving him alone in the dark, hoping he wouldn’t follow me.

Susanna didn’t ask me any questions when I got back.  Maybe she saw the answer on my face anyway, saw the terror I was pretty sure was etched all over it.  But at least I was free to run to the little bathroom next to my bedroom and empty out my stomach’s contents until there was nothing left.

Breathing heavily, silent tears falling down my face, I curled up on the cold bathroom floor and tried not to think.

It didn’t work.

Why?  Why did the first person I was interested in since him have to be Nathan?  Nathan was kind, he was amazing, he loved kids.  In another world, maybe he and I could have gotten together.  Could at least have been friends.  Maybe he wouldn’t be in love with his best friend.  Maybe he wouldn’t be a prey shifter.

But that was the bottom line.  Nothing else really mattered, at the end of the day, about whether he was in love with someone else or not.  I could never go near another prey shifter, not even in the same room with one, not if I valued my life.

And I did.  I knew it wasn’t much, but I did value it.  That was why I had run to begin with, how I’d ended up here, hundreds of miles away from anyone I knew, tired, hungry, and alone.  If I had to, I’d do it again.  The only thing I could hope for was that since Nathan was traveling through, he’d leave in a few more days and maybe I’d be safe again.

Never, I reminded myself, never be alone with a prey shifter.  It’s far too dangerous.