Skye contemplated me for a moment before continuing.  “Unlike any other type of supernatural, we oceanids are closely tied to our emotions.  Our magic, our existence – a lot can be determined by them.  For example, we can die due to broken hearts, something you started to experience yesterday.  It doesn’t happen every time we lose someone, but in this case, you were losing two at once – the result would have been compounded breaking, pretty much guaranteeing your death.  But our emotions can also affect our magic.  My mother is full of selfishness and cruelty – so her magic bites, hard.  She can’t use it for anything that requires a gentle touch.  Bruce said you didn’t have a good experience with your first merfolk community?”

I rolled my eyes, wondering how much he said and wishing I had never told him any of it.  “No, it – wasn’t great.”

“Did you have problems with your magic levels before that?”

That question actually stumped me, so it took me a few moments to respond.  “I don’t know.  I didn’t use magic much before that, that I remember.  My parents died too young for me to really learn much from them and then I went to live with humans.  I didn’t really use magic hardly at all until I went there.”

“At which point you were upset over parting ways from your human soulmates and then felt unwelcome in the community,” she mused.  “It isn’t exactly a surprise that your magic may not have been cooperative with you.  Bruce’s theory about you not being happy since then and that is why you have little magic may be close to the mark.”

“If that were true, wouldn’t it have improved some now?  Since I – they – you know what?  Nevermind.”  Why were we even having this entire conversation?  It wasn’t like my magic level could be fixed, no matter what they said.

Bruce suddenly started smiling.  “Did you agree to date them?”  When I looked at him, nonplussed, he quickly explained.  “They told me about it when they came to find me after leaving the witch’s place.  I kind of guessed it might be something like that, and after Skye said they were your soulmates, I figured that meant you would go ahead and date them.”

I was a little surprised he seemed fine with the idea, and Skye didn’t seem bothered either, but I really didn’t want to talk about it.

“Yeah, we’re – dating.  But doesn’t that disprove your theory?”

Skye was still looking at me thoughtfully.  “Does it?  You don’t really seem happy now, either.”

I looked at her, surprised yet again.  “Why wouldn’t I be?  I got something I thought was impossible.”

“But you don’t look happy,” she pressed.  “Not any more than you were when I’ve seen you in the past.  Better than yesterday, I’ll grant, but…not happy.  Not really.”

Bruce was frowning.  “Why – isn’t that what you wanted?  Or is it not?  Did you only agree to it because you thought you had to, because you need them in order not to die?”

“No, of course not, I just know – I know it’s not permanent, okay?”  I still didn’t know why we were discussing this at all, let alone in front of someone who was almost a stranger to me.  “They’re not in love with me now, they just love who I used to be.  And that – that’s not who I am.  Eventually they’ll figure that out and go back to their lives.”

“Ah.”  Skye’s brows rose.  “And now we have discovered why you’re not happy now.”

But I was done with all of this.  What did it matter if I was happy or not?  None of it changed anything, no matter what they said.

At the end of the day, I’d still be what I’d always been – pathetic and useless.

“This is all irrelevant – I just wanted to make sure I didn’t ruin your entire community just because I – because I’m weak.  Can’t you please just forget about it?”

“No, I can’t.”  Her tone was kind, but firm.  “My mother has gotten away with hidden cruelty for far too long.  She nearly killed you, and unlike you, she did know that you could die of heartbreak.  She knew enough to realize they were important to you, should have confirmed whether they were your soulmates, at the very least.  She just gambled that they weren’t because they’re humans – but she gambled your life on that assumption.  But don’t worry, it shouldn’t come to violence.  People will be upset, they’ll talk, but once the truth starts to come out, not just about yesterday, but about everything since she became the Elder – people will start to understand.  She’ll lose followers.  Disruptions in leadership happen amongst merfolk.  It rarely turns to violence.”

Of course not.  That’s why I could still remember images from when I was very young, the screams of fighting, the fear as I hid, hoping my parents would return safely – but they never did.

There were children here, too.  Children who might find themselves lost, alone, without family if this continued.

“No,” I told her fiercely, my eyes burning with passion.  “There cannot even be a risk of war.  This ends now or I’ll – I’ll go to her to stop it.”

They both drew back, startled.  I didn’t know if my threat would actually hold any power, but probably?  If she was challenging the Elder based on what happened yesterday and then I appeared in support of the Elder and denied things…that would end any challenge, right?  If I had to, I’d do it.  I wouldn’t risk letting anyone get hurt.  Not because of me.

“Morgan,” Bruce said gently, “if she’s everything Skye has said, the Elder needs to be stopped.  For other people’s sake.”

“Then find another way!  Something that doesn’t involve potential war, and something that doesn’t involve me!”  I glared back at him, unflinchingly.  I may not have much in this world, but I was determined that no one ever get hurt because of me – whether it was the twins getting hurt because I brought them into the supernatural world or supernaturals getting hurt because of a misunderstand over me.

We were all quiet for a few long minutes, and eventually I decided that the conversation was apparently over because neither of them seemed to know what to say.  I’d said what I’d come to say, anyway, and I would carry through on my promise if I needed to.

“I’ll call you tomorrow morning,” I told Bruce.  “If this isn’t done, I’m going to the Elder.”

Then I moved to walk by them and head back to the beachhouse on foot.

“Morgan.”  Skye’s voice stopped me before I got very far and I turned back to look at her reluctantly.  “I think you’ve never really accessed your magic because you aren’t happy with yourself.  If you can start to accept happiness, start to find confidence in yourself regardless of what magic you may or may not have – well, you might find it is the key to open the gate.  Then, your magic may fluctuate some based on your moods, like all of us, but you’ll always have a river instead of a trickle.”

I snorted mirthlessly.  “And this gate doesn’t open and no magic comes?”

She smiled softly.  “Then at least you’re happy with yourself and your life.  Isn’t being happy without magic better than being miserable with it?”

How would I know?  Apparently I’d never been happy.

I tried to think over the entire conversation on the walk back to the beachhouse, but all I could focus on was the possibility that the merfolk would end up going to war because of me.

How had I managed to screw up everything even by accident?  I really should just stay out of merfolk society entirely.  But since I’d messed things up, I had to fix them.  Somehow.

Hayden was out at the front of the beachhouse, resting against the fence, watching the road when I walked up.  He stood up the moment he spotted me, waiting for me to approach, which I did a little more slowly.

Right, I forgot, they were upset at me when I left, too.  Still had to resolve that whole issue on top of everything else.

Why had I thought my life would get better because they walked back into it and accepted me?  Things were worse now than before, and when eventually they gave up on me, it would be even harder to watch them go.

“Morgan!”  Hayden smiled at me, reached for my hand, and pulled me in for a kiss the moment I got within reach of him.  “You were gone longer than we’d expected.  Did everything work out okay?  Are you hungry?  Want some dinner?  What would you like?  Do you need a shower or anything?  Want to watch a movie tonight?”

I blinked as he ushered me quickly inside the house.  One of those things was not like the others.

Vance was reading in the living room, but at the sight of me, he lit up, set aside his book, and came over to get his own kiss.  “Welcome back, Morgan.”  He slid one hand around to my lower back and pulled me closer to him.  “Sorry if we were too pushy earlier – we’ve just been missing you for so long, it’s hard to contain ourselves now that we have you back.  We get it, it can take some time to re-familiarize ourselves with each other.  We’ll try to be more considerate, okay?”

“Just try to be patient with us?”  Hayden murmured as he pulled my hair aside to brush a kiss against my neck.  “I promise, we’ll be worth it.”

With one of them in front and one of them behind me like this, it was hard to even think straight, especially when they seemed pretty intent on making me forget how to even speak.  Vance’s hands on my back and waist felt so right, while Hayden’s lips on my neck were sparking fires again.

It was far too easy to forget myself with them.  Forget everything that was wrong with me.  Forget that they weren’t the ones in the wrong here, yet they were apologizing to me anyway because they cared.

Only, they cared about the me who didn’t exist anymore.  That was the problem.

“Hmm, you didn’t leave with this.”  Vance slid his hand at my waist slightly lower, this thumb rubbing against the knot in my sarong.  “I kind of prefer seeing you wear our clothes than some random person’s.”

I shoved him off and kind of elbowed Hayden back as I took a step towards the master bedroom.  “Fine, I’ll go shower and change.  Figure out supper while I’m in there – I don’t care.”

They let me go, thankfully, giving me time to cool down a bit and try to remember why it was a bad idea to let them go too far with me.

My inclination was to just let them do whatever they wanted.  I was really bad at telling them no, plus I did actually enjoy it when they were being so…so hands-on, as it were.  It felt nice, it felt like it was reaching some part of my sad, pitiful existence and soothing all the pain and hurt, making me forget for a few brief moments what reality was.  It would be easy to give in and let them, let them claim my body if they wanted – but couldn’t.  If I did that, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to recover once they left.  Seafoam was already likely my future as it was, but if they gave even more to me, only to take it away?  There wouldn’t be even a chance I’d survive.

So I locked away the possibility and tried to build my cold walls around my heart before coming out.  Anything to have a slight buffer for when they inevitably left me.

Despite me not answering the question about a movie, Hayden and Vance had already decided we were indeed watching a movie that night, which they’d also decided involved snuggling with me on the couch while Hayden kept running his hand up and down my thigh and Vance kept burying his face in my neck, then resting his head on my shoulder to watch.

Apparently, dating the twins was a lot different than just being friends with them as kids.  I couldn’t remember them ever being this into cuddling, even with their girlfriends, or being so eager to make out or touch me at any given opportunity.  I wasn’t complaining, exactly, but it was taking some adjustment and I wasn’t sure my brain was up to it.  Even just the way one would hold me while the other kissed me…sometimes I was pretty sure I was going to lose my mind.

And it scared me.  It scared me because it felt so good to be surrounded like that, I didn’t know how I would ever survive losing them.  It had been hard enough 10 years ago, but back then I hadn’t known what their lips tasted like, hadn’t known how it felt to have their hands run across my bare skin.

This…this would probably kill me.