Desire - Restored

Throughout many lifetimes, Omoide had fallen in love, several times.  He even married and had children but as time went on, and he neither aged, got sick or died, he would end up watching what he loved age and die.  Even after generations had been born, eventually they would all perish and leave Omoide alone and empty.

He became more and more distraught after each natural lifetime would end for those he loved, and begged Tamashii to remove his desire to love or even be attracted to anyone or, that he be released from being Omoidenobannin.  To live one life time, to love, marry, have a family and watch them grow and live but to eventually die and start a new life in a new vessel, building new memories and not be burdened by old memories any longer.

Tamashii should have granted his request to be released from his duties so he could just become another one of 100 original souls but, Omoide was special to Tamashii and Tamashii was a selfish god. 

Omoide was the first soul he ever created.  He was created from part of Tamashii himself and therefore was so closely connected to Tamashii, to let him go would be letting a part of him die at the end of every lifetime.  After watching the anguish and pain Omoide had been through, he definitely didn’t want that.

So Tamashii told Omoide he would remove the desire to fall in love, to have romantic feelings for others.  But, Tamashii made certain Omoide was aware that all of the memories connected to that feeling, that desire, would have to be erased for the process to be successful.

Omoide didn't even take a second to agree. He was in pain, terrible crippling pain.  He chest felt like a heavy weight had been thrust upon it and gripped it tightly.  He just wanted to be free and be able to faithfully serve his god again.

----------------

The folder opens on the laptop screen showing several files within.  The filenames are only a string of numbers. "Are all of these files my memories of love?" Omoide asks as his eyes open wide and he tries to count how many there are. "Why are there so many?"

Tamashii shifts so he is sitting all the way back on the couch and clasps his hands on his lap.  "My soul, you have been in existence since the beginning of the world plane.  You have witnessed many souls and vessels go through their lifetime.  You always seemed to find one soul that touches your own and you would bond and stay with that soul until its vessel's life ran its course."

He moved his right hand, palm up, over the keyboard as if presenting the information to Omoide.  "These are your memories of the time you spent with those soul's vessels.  You begged me to take them from you so that you wouldn't know of them nor feel the pain of the feelings you had for them."  He sits back again, watching Omoide intently.

With his eyes opened wide, Omoide's hand hovers over the keyboard. "I loved this many times?  I had someone in my life that I loved?" Tears begin to gather in the corner of his eyes as he turns and looks at his god.

Tamashii leans forward and places his left hand on Omoide's cheek.  "And you were loved as well, my soul.  Maybe that's why these memories were so painful and you begged me to take them from you."  He smiles as he retracts his hand and rests back against the couch again.

"It's up to you, my soul.  You don't have to watch these memories.  You can continue on, collecting memories for your god, living your life on the world plane as you have for several lifetimes since your Desire was taken from you."  Tamashii looks at Omoide, his eye searching for the emotion in Omoide's eyes.

Omoide turns back to the laptop and touches the mousepad, moving the pointer to the first file. "What order are these in?  Are they random or by date or by length?"  He asks and waits patiently for the answer.

Tamashii releases a heavy sigh.  "The first file there, is the last memory extracted.  Are you sure, Omoide?  You will see your memories but you won't be able to recall the feelings.  They are gone, my soul.  Without your Desire to be in love, romantically in love, it will be an empty scene." 

"I want to see what I have given up.  I need to know if I want my Desire to love back or if my existence is better without it.  I want to serve you, my god, but I need to know I did the right thing.  If I'm living my best existence."  He takes a deep breath and clicks on the first file at the top of the screen.

Omoide isn't sure what he expected but what he sees is a little disorientating.  It's not like a movie, he has watched so many, but it's more like looking through his own eyes.  He doesn't see himself but sees through his own eyes.

The first file is short, only a few minutes but he sees, through his eyes at the time, Tamashii watching him from a throne of white marble.  Long drapes of billowing fabric move around the border of the space defining its shape.  The scene blurs as his then self must be crying.  Omoide realized the sound is muted so he clicks on the speaker icon and unmutes it.

-------

"PLEASE!  PLEASE MY GOD!" Omoide is shouting, slapping his palms on the marble floor. "This last one, please, I can't take this.  Please remove this last life memory.  I c..can't go on like t.this.  It hurts…" his voice is rasping, getting quieter with every word, "Please, let me go or take it all away.  I don't want to feel like this any longer."

"My soul.  I can take as many memories as you would like but that feeling will not go away.  You will always have a desire to love, to be loved, to give yourself fully to another soul.  Would you want me to remove that desire, for you to never have those emotions again?"  Tamashii is seen with his arms open wide, palms up as he slowly rises and begins to descend the marble stairs growing larger in view.

Barely a whisper, Omoide is looking at his own hands now, palms down on the white marble floor, "Yes, please, I beg you, my god, take the desire from me.  Please…." sobbing can be heard along with the rustling fabric of Tamashii's robes as his image is suddenly in view.

"Then," Tamashii's hands move around Omoide's face and disappear from view, "my soul, that is what I will do.  I will ask that you forgive me now as I will remove this memory as well."  Tamashii moves his face close to Omoide's, resting his forehead against his.

"My god, I forgive and thank you."  A sigh is heard as his eyelids close and all goes black.

--------

The laptop player stops and closes revealing the individual files once again.  Omoide doesn't move, eyes fixed on the screen.  Tamashii shifts slightly trying to get a better look at his face. "My soul? Are you okay?  Should we continue or have you seen enough."

He still doesn't move but does take a deep breath and speaks slowly, quietly. "I have seen so many memories of souls in love, souls in pain after loosing love or the one they loved.  I always wondered why I never felt that level of emotional pain.  Why my heart never felt like it was breaking or an incredible weight was pulling me down.  I watched as I extracted those memoires for you but couldn't understand what that pain was." His shoulders slump as he seems to emotionally deflate.

Tamashii moves forward on the couch and places his hand on Omoide's face, turning his head gently so he can see his eyes.  He his taken aback when he see no emotion in Omoide's eyes.  They are blank and lifeless, just staring forward not really focusing on anything in particular.  'I broke him.' Tamashii thinks to himself.

Tamashii smiles and rubs his thumb gently over Omoide's cheek. "So do you see now?  You saved yourself from that pain.  From that crushing feeling that everything is wrong."

Omoide jerks back out of his touch.  "Perhaps.  But I have also robbed myself of the positive side of being in love.  Of being loved."  He turns back to Tamashii with a determined expression. "When I came to you, this was before I chose to become a psychiatrist on the world plane, to help others work through their pain, to understand and overcome.  Had I known then, what I know now, I would never have asked you to remove my desire!"

Tamashii grins and barks out a laugh, "Oh my!  How you have evolved, my soul!  Better than I could have hoped for!  You are the best soul I have ever created!"  He claps his hands together a few times.  "Yes, yes!  This is perfect!" 

He regains his composure and stands from the couch, offering a hand to Omoide.  "So what now, my soul?  Shall we continue watching these memory files, let you continue to gather information for your decision?"  He bends down slightly to look more directly into Omoide's eyes.

Omoide stands, purposefully not taking Tamashii's hand.  Tamashii straightens, continuing to keep eye contact with Omoide.

"My god, I humbly request that you restore my Desire."  He says firmly knowing that looking his god directly in the eyes and making a request is disrespectful but he must make sure Tamashii can see his resolve.

Tamashii places his hands on Omoide's shoulders. "Just as a son would ask a father for a very important favor." He winks at Omoide and smiles. "Okay, my son.  I will honor your request but you are aware that the memories and feeling from those memories are lost to you.  Those I cannot restore."

"I understand, father." Omoide takes the opportunity to test out the father/son dynamic that Tamashii is toying with.  "I want to experience the Desire for myself as something new."

Tamashii smiles even wider, taking Omoide's face in his hands. "Do you have any questions before we begin?"  Omoide closes his eyes, "Will I feel different when I return to the world plane?"

Tamashii gently brushes his thumbs under Omoide's eyes and pulls Omoide's forehead to his. "Oh my son, everything will be different from this time going forward.  Take your time with your feelings and protect your heart and soul.  I will see you soon, my son, my soul."  With those final words, Tamashii brushes his lips gently over Omoide's, ghosting his breath, "I love you, my soul"  He whispers as Omoide's vision begins to darken.