“We can limit ourselves to just one gender,” I agreed reluctantly, “but, um, we don’t.  Or rarely do.  It’s just – it’s like shutting off part of ourselves and we’re not just one.  We’re both.”

The frown morphed more into frustration.  “But I – I mean,” she paused, uncertain how to continue.

I knew the answer for her, though.  I’d known it as soon as it became clear why she was upset.   This wasn’t going to work for either of us.

“I’m sorry,” I told her, starting to feel a bit of humiliation creep in.  “I should have made sure you knew before agreeing to this.  But I don’t think – I mean, it can’t really work between us, so we should probably just…call it a night?”  She’d been sweet, inviting me on a date, but she couldn’t accept me fully, and like I’d just told Theo that he should wait for the right person, I wasn’t willing to paint myself into a box I wouldn’t be happy in.

There was a tiny part of me that was actually relieved.  While I liked Charlotte as a friend, I hadn’t felt any sort of chemistry with her, and now I didn’t have to try to work to make that happen.

But the bigger part of me felt embarrassed that I’d forgotten this teeny tiny thing that might bother most non-merfolk, or even confirming her sexuality, and that it had come to the point where we were supposed to be meeting on a date and I’d screwed things up by showing up as the wrong gender.

Though…maybe that was a good thing, actually.

I offered as much to Charlotte.  “It’s good to know that now, right?  Before we try dating?”

She sighed a bit, her shoulders slumping.  “I don’t know.  I guess.  Probably.  I really like you,” she admitted, her expression now a bit sad, “but this just…doesn’t work, does it?”

I patted her arm – in as a platonic manner as I knew how – and offered some sort of garble about how it wasn’t her fault and again apologizing for not making sure she knew in advance, but I was kind of dying to get out of there by now.  This entire situation was just awful and when I suggested we leave, she seemed glad at the idea – probably wanting to get out of there and process this just as badly as I did.

I waited to really think things through, though, until after I’d gotten back to Theo’s house – he was actually out still, obviously not expecting me to have returned anywhere near this early – where I changed out of the suit and back into the sarong before practically making a run for the ocean.

Even then, I wouldn’t let myself think until I got back to the privacy of my home and then sank down on the floor, tears slowly filling my eyes.

As first dates went….that was awful.  It had crashed and burned in the worst way possible, even if Charlotte had tried to be nice about it.  At the end of the day, though, the very first person actually interested in me wasn’t interested in me.  Not in all of me, at least.  I looked down at my still-male body and felt myself deflate a bit further.  It wasn’t even like my male form was my favorite, but I still wanted it.  I didn’t want to have to give it up to be loved, but what if that was my only option?  What if no one would love me unless I was just one or the other?

I started the shift back to my female form automatically, but as I did I knew deep down that I couldn’t do that.  I couldn’t give up on who I was, not for anyone else.  I might think it was worth it for a short time, but in the long run, it never would be.  Even if I had someone with me, if that person couldn’t accept all of me, I wouldn’t be able to be genuinely happy.

Which meant…which meant I’d always be alone, right?  Most likely, the only people who’d ever accept me for me were other merfolk.  Merfolk in my community, though, all saw me as the nice friend-type person, not a potential partner.  Merfolk in other communities might, but I didn’t know if I wanted to try traveling like that.  As much as I claimed that the surface scared me, it wasn’t just the surface.  It was really anywhere other than my own merfolk community.  It was safe here, peaceful.  Other merfolk communities might be just fine, but…what if they weren’t?

No, Sage, I told myself.  I couldn’t let fear get in the way of myself.  I’d spent far too much of my life afraid of leaving my safe community, but even after everything that happened with the centaurs, I was able to go to the surface and be safe.  Sure, there was still violence up there, but I could avoid it and I didn’t need to hide beneath the waters forever.  Merfolk didn’t often fight with themselves, though succession wars did happen, and we even less often fought with others.  Traveling to another merfolk community would be fine.  Most likely.  I just…I could do that much, right?  I could maybe visit the nearest community in Willen Cove, just visit for a few days, and maybe work up to longer stays or visiting further away communities.  I didn’t have to restrict myself to my own community just out of fear.

It was kind of sad, though, that I had to think about leaving in order to find my own family.  I liked it here.  I liked the people, and all my friends and family were here, minus my parents who were who knew where on their travels.  I didn’t like the idea of traveling alone, but that gnawing feeling reminding me that something was missing was reminding me that the only way I could ever stop that feeling was by seeing other merfolk and maybe finding one for me.  Maybe most of them wouldn’t be interested, either, but there was always a chance, right?

I was in the middle of a spiraling debate with myself on whether this was worth it – maybe I should just be happy on my own instead? – or whether I was being stupid for wanting to travel around in hopes of finding the magical person who might be interested in me when a knock on my door interrupted my thoughts.

I went to the door, not entirely surprised to see Sidney outside.  Sidney, who looked very troubled when I let him in.

“It didn’t go well?”  He asked hesitantly.

It had to be obvious that it didn’t go well.  I was here, before the date should have ended, for one thing.

I shook my head anyway.  “Charlotte didn’t know we shift genders and she’s not interested in guys.”  I looked away as I hugged myself.  “The whole thing was super embarrassing and I’m pretty sure as first dates go, that’s probably one of the worst.  It’s not her fault, but she was the first person ever interested in me, you know?  I just wish – ”  I stopped myself and sighed a bit.

“It’s not your fault, either,” Sidney started to say.

“I could have made sure she knew,” I pointed out.  “I should have.  I just…forgot.”

“Sage.”  Sidney looked like he was going to say something, stopped, then sighed abruptly in frustration and, before I expected it, grabbed my hand and started swimming off with me.

I didn’t really protest, even if I was now confused.  “Where are we going?”

“You’re having dinner with us.  Well, me and Zoey, Jett ate already, which is good because I think he eats more than the size of our entire house so it’s probably best he doesn’t try to eat with us.”  Sidney didn’t release my hand as he swam, but I didn’t entirely mind.  I was kind of used to Sidney’s hands on approach to stuff, anyway – no pun intended.

I was also happy that Sidney was inviting me to dinner – even if it was without really giving me an option to disagree – because for one thing, I’d just wallow at home alone otherwise, but for another, I simply liked hanging out with Sidney and Jett and baby Zoey.  Even if I was starting to become aware that couples could make me feel lonely, I didn’t feel that way with Sidney and Jett.  Maybe it was just because they included me so much I didn’t feel like an outsider with them.

Jett was rocking Zoey when we arrived, and he seemed a little surprised to see Sidney with me in tow.  “Wasn’t your date tonight?”  He asked hesitantly.

“Yes, but it didn’t work out because Charlotte’s not into guys and didn’t know we can shift genders,” Sidney explained.  Then he kind of shoved me in Jett’s general direction.  “I’m getting supper, wait here.”

“I’m sorry,” Jett offered as Sidney began rattling around to prepare some shrimp.  “I know this was your first date, it’s unfortunate it didn’t work out.”

However, when I glanced at him, I got the impression he was actually…relieved?  Was that it?  Maybe he was just relieved that Sidney was back, because I didn’t know why he’d be glad my date went badly.  Jett was too nice to just enjoy other people’s misery.

“It’s okay,” I told him, though I wasn’t entirely sure it was.  “It’s better to find out now, right?”

“That’s true.”  Jett shifted Zoey a bit so he could reach over and offer me a hug, though.  “I’m still sorry you’re upset.”

That part seemed very genuine, so I decided the relief from earlier must be just that Sidney was back.  That made more sense, anyway.

Sidney finished the quick preparation of the food and swam back over to hand me some, giving Jett a bottle as he did.

For a few minutes we ate in silence.

“I’m thinking of traveling,” I announced abruptly.  “Maybe visiting the merfolk community in Willen Cove.”

Apparently I startled both of them so much that Sidney dropped his bowl of shrimp and Jett nearly dropped the bottle – thankfully not Zoey, though.

I was kind of surprised at their reaction.

“Um, okay, but, uh, why?”  Sidney shifted his loose-flowing hair to one shoulder.  “It’s not like you were really dating so it’s not like you need a trip to get over her, right?  Or…did you like her?”  He suddenly seemed troubled.

I slowly shook my head as I tried to figure out how to word this without sounding totally pathetic.  “No, I like her as a friend, but I didn’t feel anything for her like that.  It’s just,” I sighed a little, but they had to already know, right?  “I’m alone,” I pointed out.  “I have friends, but no family of my own, and, well, I guess I’ve been feeling lonely about that.”  I carefully ate my last shrimp, still struggling to find the proper words to explain this without blaming the merfolk community, either.  “I, uh, I mean, Charlotte was the first person ever interested in me like that, and then she wasn’t really interested, but that’s beside the point.  I think if I’m going to meet anyone, it has to be a merfolk, right?  Because merfolk are pretty much the only people who are okay with us.  But, um,” my voice dropped a little, “people here aren’t interested in me like that, obviously, since Charlotte was the first one, so I just figured if I was ever going to meet someone, it’d have to be at another community.  So I thought I might visit some other communities some, starting with the closest, and just…see if anything happens.”  I shrugged helplessly.  “I don’t think I can try a surface-dweller again and I don’t know what other options there are here.”

Sidney was staring at me, almost aghast, then looked at Jett with something like agonized pleading in his face.  I had no idea what that meant, so I decided to just ignore it.

“Just visits,” I added.  “I mean, this is home for me.  But I suppose,” I admitted reluctantly, “that if I did meet someone at another community, then we’d have to talk about where we’d live.  I’d really, really like to stay here, but I’m kind of afraid I’ll always be alone if I stay here and never try,” I admitted in almost a whisper.

“You’re not alone!”  Sidney burst out at almost a yell, startling me so much it was my turn to drop my – empty – bowl.  “You’re not alone,” he continued at a more normal volume.  “You have us.”