I’m packing up my books today. That’s the hardest part. The one I was waiting till the absolute last minute for. They all have so many memories written into their pages, so many people I loved and grieved and laughed for. Now they’re going into a dark, cold box, and knowing me, who knows when I’ll take them out again.

As I’m reminiscing, I notice one in particular. It was part of a series I started in high school. Back then I had all these plans. I had so many ideas for who I wanted to be. One of the only places I felt solace was the library, and I saw this really old, clearly loved set of books. They’re thick books too, so whoever decided to read them made a commitment when they started. I promised to finish the books by senior year. But like most of the things I thought would happen in high school, that didn’t happen. When I realized it, I was actually super disappointed. Another abrupt ending. Water under the bridge at this point, I suppose. 

Dad calls from downstairs. “Ok, kiddo?”

No. “Yeah. It’s just a lot right now.”

Words form on his lips, clearly a little hesitant. “…You don’t have to go, you know that right? Your mom’s expectations don’t define you. If college isn’t right for you, then that’s that.”

He gives me a small, weak smile, sensing that I’m not really listening at this point. He knows he won’t change my mind. This is something I have to do. I have to get away from what I know. And I feel like I have to at least try college before I decide anything. Dad knows that. But I understand his concern too. We’ve never really had to be apart in this way before. It’s new territory for both of us, since I’m an only child. 

“Alright, kiddo. When you’re done packing, let me know. How about I take you to dinner to celebrate?”

“Sure. Sounds nice.”

It actually does. So I go back upstairs and start packing taping up the boxes of books. 

It comes suddenly. 

The tears, I mean. 

I wasn’t expecting this today. Or maybe I was, and that’s why I put it off for so long. Whatever. Now the cardboard is all soggy. 

I’m not ready. How will I ever be ready? I can’t do this. What am I going to do when I’m sick, and my dad isn’t there to make saffron rice and chai? What am I going to do when I get bored studying, if I can’t trace the crack in the wall above my desk. What about my friends? Jace and Dessa finally got together this summer. How am I going to tease them about it from 3 states away? Gracie will be lonely at school now that we’ve graduated. 

It all just feels like too much. For a long time it does. But then it doesn’t. The wave is gone. The pain passes. And in a way I hate that too because at least I can hang in a little longer if I’m sad. 

I can’t force it though, so instead I tape up the boxes. And I go to dinner. I get salmon. Dad gets steak. It’s really good. I wonder if they have good salmon in Minnesota. Probably. But still. Are there bodies of water in Minnesota? Shouldn’t I know this? I’m out of high school and I don’t even know if Minnesota is near water. This is a stupid train of thought. 

At least I know I won’t be a geography major. 

- - - 

Eventually the day comes to leave. I said goodbye to my friends yesterday. We spent the day at the skating rink, like we always used to. At the end, we went to Kate’s and got burgers. It was really nice, but bittersweet too. At least Dessa and Jace will have each other at UIUC. I’m jealous, not of their relationship necessarily, just that they have each other through it all. I’m sure I’ll meet someone eventually, but I’m not interested right now.

When we parted ways, Gracie cried. And that made me cry which made Dessa cry and then Jace and it was all just a mess but we promised to meet up again in October. 

My dad wanted to come help me get settled in at the University of Minnesota, but he’s getting older and I didn’t want him lifting stuff. I already sent most of the boxes ahead anyway. Plus, I feel like it might be easier to just rip off the bandaid here. I’m not ready. I never will be. But I have to take this step. I have to find out what’s out there. What I’m really capable of. I have to be brave. 

So I smile and wave as I watch my dad’s silhouette fade from the backseat of the taxi. 

“Where to?”

“The airport.” I tell the cabbie. 

“Off to bigger and better things eh?”

“Something like that.”

Something like that, I tell myself. It’s a long ride to the airport, and it’s early. Slowly, I feel myself drift off to sleep as I leave behind my childhood. 

- - -

“Love, what are you doing?”

“Huh?” Leah snaps me out of my reverie as I turn to look at her sweet face. I smile and kiss her. Then I say:

“Nothing. I was just looking at my old books. I remember these books from high school. God, I was so innocent then. It took me like 7 years to finish them but that’s life you know?”

“Mhm.” She nods softly as she leans her head on my shoulder. 

“You weren’t listening were you?”

“Mhm.”

I laugh. “Alright, someone needs their coffee. Tell you what, it’s the weekend. Let’s go to that little cafe you like, you know the one next to the bookstore.”

“I’d love that.”

I put the book back in it’s place on the shelf. As I leave my apartment, there’s a smile on my face. The time where I was just a scared little kid trying to find my place is far gone by now. You can’t stay a kid forever, after all, but I wouldn’t trade what I have now for anything.