Two days later, I lost my job.  That absolute snake of a woman complained enough that my manager fired me.  No doubt bribery was also involved.  Who wouldn't say no to a bit of extra cash just for firing an employee?  Especially from such a rich woman who nobody wanted to be on the bad side of.  

Hearing the news made my mother furious at Beatrice and my father became infuriated with me.  Apparently, it was my fault in his narrow mind.  Seeing the other side of things was impossible for him.  Over and over, he yelled at me, telling me I was nothing but a useless piece of shit who took everything for granted.  Mum tried to stop him, but even she couldn't calm him down from his raging.  The toll this took on my well-being could've damn near killed me.  Binges became more severe and I began taking money from my savings to fulfill them.  On top of that, I was attempting to exercise everything off.  All-day I would be out walking or running, only to come home and binge after getting yelled at again.  I mean, it was kind of working with my weight.  Somehow, I had actually dropped a fair bit of weight, leading me to be in the slightly overweight category instead of obese.  Progress?  I guess.  It still didn't stop me from looking horribly ill though.  But I suppose that couldn't be helped when my routine was messing up my body.

Day after day after day, I repeated the same cycle.  I was unable to get out of it and I didn't know why.  All I wanted was to stop.  It was causing me too much physical and emotional anguish.  I also began picking up a new habit.  One that seemed to be a form of gaslighting myself.  Instead of cowering around my Dad, I would look for a fight.  With all these emotions that I didn't know what to do with, it seemed like a fair way to get out my anger.  So I would proudly sport all the dresses I had around him.  Not going to lie, it did feel good knowing that I was able to fit into them again without much issue.  It also felt good to feel like I was presenting as a woman.  I didn't have anywhere to be now, so why not be the person I wanted to be?  

Every time I walked by Dad, he would scowl and mutter something rude.  He HATED my new attitude.  A few times he threatened to burn my dress, but I would threaten to walk around naked if he did so.  As a woman, I wasn't wearing men's clothing.  He seemed to understand that I meant what I said and thankfully, never did it.  Poor Mum was caught in the middle of it all.  While she loved that I was finally standing up for myself, she found it difficult watching Dad and I fight constantly.  Torn between everything, she just stayed out of it unless it got physical.  

"Adam?"  Mum called from the kitchen.  "Do you want to come with me to the park?  It's a nice day for a walk."

"Yea, sure."  I nodded.  Walking sounded great.  I was already planning on going anyway.  Tiredly, I pulled myself up from the couch to go up to my room and change.  My legs were still hurting from my previous day's walk, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle.

"Oh!  You should be okay out there in the dress."  Mum stopped me before I went upstairs.  "There's almost never anyone at the park and I think with a nice hat, you shouldn't be questioned."

"You think so?"

"Mhm!  With a hat, you'll look like a replica of me, and I look like a woman… I think."

"You do."  I laughed.  As scary as it was, I wanted to go out presenting as a woman.  I figured that if I stayed quiet around passerby people, then I wouldn't give it away with my voice.  Even though I've been working at it, my voice was still barely passable.  

Being out at the park presenting as a woman was nerve-wracking but exciting at the same time.  Euphoria filled my veins every time a passerby would greet us with a 'good afternoon, ladies’, or even simply pass by without any second glances.  Did I really pass?  Could what I saw in the mirror be wrong?  From my perspective, I looked like a man.  Despite my facial features being soft, they were still masculine in my opinion.  Especially my jawline.  But being out that day gave me so much validation.

"So, how are you doing?"  Mum asked to start some small talk.

"Okay, I guess."

"I guess?"

"I don't know.  My legs hurt."

"Would that happen to be related to why you're usually gone all afternoon?"

"Maybe,"  I mumbled.  I almost never told Mum what I was doing when I went out.  If she knew, she wouldn't let me leave.

"Adam,"  Mum said in a stern tone.  "Honey, I'm worried about you.  You disappear for the whole afternoon and come back looking exhausted, and then you hide away in your room."

"I've been trying to get out more, that's all."  Despite wanting to open up and just spill it all, I couldn't.  Giving up what made me feel safe just wasn't something I couldn't do.

"Are you sure?  I can't help but feel like you're exercising a bunch to try and make up for what you eat.  Don't think I'm dumb, I know you've been eating a lot more lately."

"So I want to lose weight."  I shrugged.  "It's no big deal."

"It is if you're hurting yourself in the process."  Mum frowned.  "I don't want to see you go through some big health scare."

"I won't,"  I said. "I've got things under control, okay?"

"Alright."  Mum sighed.  "I'm always here to talk if you need me.  Especially if you need help.  I'll always be here for you."

"Thanks."

"On another note, any luck finding another job?"

"I tried a couple of places, but I guess the snake lady spread the word and has made it her goal to make sure I don't get a job."

"That damn bitch."  Mum grumbled.  "If I could slap her, I would.  Nobody messes with my daughter like that."

"Maybe I won't have to work if I find a husband,"  I said without thinking at all.  Never had I admitted to Mum that I was attracted to men.  

"Oh, so I was right!"  Mum's reaction was unexpected.  She seemed to have found it cute.  "My little girl wants a husband!  I knew it!"

"You knew?"

"Well of course!  You don't hide it very well!  Even as a kid when you expressed your want for a family, you always took on a motherly role while the other was a man!"

"Oh.  Too bad no man wants to marry someone like me."

"You never know!"

"Fat chance."  I laughed.  As if someone would ever love me!  Nobody wants a fat man who thinks he's a woman.

Later that night, I fell into the same routine.  Dad and I got into another argument yet again and I found myself leaning on my usual crutch.  Food.  After dinner, I headed out to the shop and spent a big chunk of money on food to binge on.  Buying all of it made me feel terribly guilty, but I was also too irrational to care.  Once I was home, I wasted no time and dug into the collection of food I bought.  

After finishing the first half, I ended up puking into the trash can.  Despite doing this for so long, I really didn't have the capacity to eat that much and after a while, I always ended up hurling.  Of course, that didn't stop me from continuing on.  

Unbeknownst to me, Mum was just behind my partially open door.  The door was open just enough that if anyone was curious, they would be able to look through the crack and see what I was doing. Unfortunately, it never really closed all the way, so I was used to it being slightly open even when I wanted privacy.  Determined to get to the bottom of things, she had been keeping a very close eye on me.  Already having witnessed me bring my bag of purchased food into the house, she knew something was up.  Unfortunately for her, she looked at the wrong time.  She watched in horror as I forced down too much at a ridiculous speed, puked it up unintentionally, and then continued eating.  Witnessing it made her tear up.  Seeing her daughter go through such a thing hurt immensely.

"...Adam?"  I jolted at the sound of her voice.  Terrified and ashamed, I whipped around and saw Mum standing next to my bed.  How did she get there without me hearing her?!  Our eyes met and I nearly broke out into tears when I saw the pain in her eyes.  Quietly, she knelt down and sat down next to me.  My usual placement for binging was behind my bed.  I would sit on the floor, facing the wall, and layout all the food on my bed or on the floor.  After seeing the pain in her eyes, I looked away and kept my eyes focused on the floor.

"Mind explaining what's going on?"  Mum asked gently.  

I stayed quiet.

"What's all this food for?"

"I don't want to talk about it…" I was on the verge of tears.  Being caught in the act made me even more ashamed.

"I know, dear."  Mum placed her hand on my back and played with my hair a bit.  "But I think it's time you did.  Surely this is causing you a lot of emotional distress…"

"...It hurts…"  Unable to stop myself, I curled up in a ball, clutching my horribly bloated stomach.  

"What does, dear?"

"Everything… My stomach, the things Dad says, the lack of control… everything…"

"C'mere."  Mum sighed as she pulled me close for a hug.  "Like I've been saying, I'm here to help, okay?  We're going to get through this.  I promise."

"I c-can't stop…"  I sobbed.  "I've tried… b-but I can't do it…"

"You can.  It will just take time, and I'll be here every step of the way."

I didn't know what to feel.  Guilt was definitely there, but hope and relief kept coming up.  Help was something I had been wanting for ages.  Stopping this horrible cycle was all I ever wanted.  At the same time, fear was beginning to set in.  Ending the cycle meant having to give up my only coping mechanism.  I wasn't sure how I would deal with that.  Would I fall into something else?  The whole situation was causing a mess of emotions, causing me to feel the need to eat more.  Desperate to numb the feelings, I reached for a nearby package of food.

"Oh, Adam, I don't think that's a good idea."  Mum snatched it before I could get my grubby little hands on it.  "I saw how you puked earlier.  You've probably already eaten too much."

"But-"

"How about you work on knitting your sweater as a distraction?  I'll clean all this up and then join you so you're not alone, okay?"

I sighed before nodding.  "Okay…"

"Alright.  We're gonna get through this."