The feeling returns as he sees through the corner of his eye, the rush of a crowd into the store.

There are no words formed in his mind, only the glimpse of the past and what he first felt years prior and many times since, from before he had chosen to block out what was around him and retreat from all forms of gathering if given a choice.

It is coupled with the thing he wanted most then.

The celebration continues -of what, he doesn’t remember anymore- and he has been disregarded, even though he is slam-in-the-middle of it, even smiling as the others are. He wishes he could be happy as the occasion most likely is about. What brought about this feeling, he doesn’t remember either. He wishes to get out of the crowd and for the sound of the music to be louder so that it can drown all the rest.

One concrete thought was formed then but he doesn't remember it. Even though it was what set him on his path.

“Are you sure you want this model, okyaku-san?” The employee’s voice brings him back.

“Oh…yes,” he replies. He also sees that he has, in this one moment, reached into his pocket, grabbing his set of earphones. He asks for a set of earphones along with the invoice for a phone.

“The cheap ones… that aren’t on show anymore,” he replies to the question of which one he would like, “…like these ones.” He brings out his own set from the pocket.

“We have better ones, too… Would you like me to show you some?”

“No, I’d like these. These are the loudest, after all.”

He completes his visit to the electronics store without damaging his eardrums further. An achievement? Maybe. Maybe not.

He had already decided to buy a new phone. The previous one was already lagging but having it broken and not connecting to any network wasn’t a situation he could dwell on for long. He would be distraught if Makoto-san needed something of him and he didn’t pick up the call.

Another huge crowd… Why wouldn’t there be, it’s a shopping mall. Achievement opportunity squandered.

The hand sinks into the pocket but before he touches his old phone, he hears a boy calling to him.

“Matsu Onii–san!”

The nickname, he recognizes for some reason but not the face. But that’s the same for anything he tries to remember nowadays So he goes through the same motions every time he thinks he knows someone but can’t be sure.

He turns to the boy and says, “Yes?” In a questioning tone, and always, always, under his breath so that even if it is not him, he can just flee the scene.

“It is you!” Says the boy. His uniform reveals that he is a middle school student and from the same school Isamu went to. He has his bag sling around his shoulder and he’s holding onto it. But it’s the smile that catches Isamu off guard.

“Why is he so happy to see me?”

 “You… don’t remember me? Well, it was only one time… so that’s kind of expected…”

-------------

The man across the table flips through the notebook. He had already skimmed through it before but he tries once more to find something in it worth publishing since a special request has been put in to make a booklet of sorts.

“What is this, Aki-… Shimada-chan?” He asks Akira as his trained eyes speed through the pages.

“Is it a yes or a no? If no, then please let me know why, Sakai-san.” Akira has her arms crossed, resting herself against the table.

“You’re so hard on me… Though that’s the norm with you youngins these days…”

“You know exactly why I’m talking to you the way I am. You just keep launching into your monologues about that ‘youth’ crap!” She says, straining her voice to be sterner.

“Yes, yes…” He says before his eyes slow down. He leans back. “You see… the start and this… these are the only two parts I like about this.”

He reads the last parts of the notebook out loud:

“Maybe still holding on to this so tightly makes me another kid unable to grow up.

“I have been saved from my state of being lost and at the same time driven into it more by the little detour that I call my prize-student whose dreams were similar to mine, but run deeper.

“I wonder what he’s doing, now that he’s going to another school and I can’t help him further. Thinking back, spurring him on without giving him all the necessary wisdom of how to stop will most likely be detrimental to him.

“Will he hate me for doing so? He was my last chance to see if I could get that dream to start becoming a reality within this lifetime. Will he forget about me, making the last year or so of my efforts a waste?

“But maybe that’s okay. Seeing him grow, even the little that he did, was so rewarding! Getting to teach him some things I had to learn the hard way felt great!

“I got to help him a little, right? He won’t let me die with my body, right? It’s a little sad that I won’t know those answers.

“I wish I was a better teacher.”

He squints while reading the last sentence. It is squeezed in at the end and unlike the whole notebook which is written in pencil, it’s written with a pen.

“So, why is it a no?” Akira prompts him to answer.

“Because publishing the rest of it isn’t something the higher-ups are going to agree with. Even I don’t like the middle… It’s just a bunch of jumbled thoughts and thought prompts to me!”

He puts the notebook down and sighs.

“How about you make use of her as a character? You do stuff like that, right? Making people go on monologues about how they think and recording them?”

She slams her palm on the table. “You make me sound like a torturer!” She proceeds with a harsher, colder voice, “So far it’s only been you, my friend and my family. Besides, I don’t keep track of who it is and I always ask for their consent first! You want me to pull out your signed contract?”

“No, that won’t be necessary… I know what I got into when I agreed.”

She takes the notebook and puts it into her bag. “So… that’s a no for the publishing?”

“Yes. It’s a no from me, as an editor… But let me ask you something before you leave.”

“Hmm?”

“Why do you ask us to… do that?”

“Well, they’re reusable resources for me… I can use them to think about new things… For example... I could think of new story ideas from them or if I disagree with points brought up in them, I could use that indirectly as some conflict… and even base characters off of small sections of the recordings.

“I don’t think I have had the most eventful life because of my parents, so they help a lot. Of course, they're not the only resources, but I do value having the opportunity to use something like this.”

“What was that about me going into monologues?” He pokes at her with a smirk.

“What was that about me being too harsh on you?” She says as she stands up. “I’ll be leaving then.” 

She excuses herself.