The apparatus clanged loudly behind me making the walls of the room reverberated with each sound. Just like that, the memories of that day flooded into my mind. Almost everything came rushing in. My memories overflowed from the depths of my mind where they had been hiding into every other nook and cranny that could hold them. I felt my breath come out in short hiccupy bursts. The more memories I remembered from the day the more I felt like I was dying again. The air I was taking in felt hot and suffocating. I was breathing in smoke and the clean air was not enough. The air living inside my body was too much. It was burning its way out and at the same time, the air inside was not enough. My lungs were grappling at the small amount of oxygen that they could get. My whole body was stuck between a push and pull limbo of too much and too little.
Everything was too much. My memories were burning me from within. Air was in short supply and someone was ... holding me? Voices were all around me and I couldn't concentrate on anything. I tried swallowing in the air but nothing came in. Instead, all I got was more smoke filling up my lungs. I coughed as the smoke choked me up. I wanted to breathe again. But I couldn't. The air was insufficient. I didn't want to die, not like this at least not before I...
Someone draped something over my head and darkness engulfed me. The voices were still present but they seemed low and distant. Present but not dominant. The smoke in my lungs seemed significantly less now that I could feel toned arms enveloping me in their warmth. A faint hint of something familiar was wafting off the body holding me and words were drifting from the person's mouth. Words I couldn't focus on. Words I couldn't hear. But the scent of motor oil & coffee seemed to calm me so I focused on that instead.
"Are you okay?" The familiar voice asked from inside the dark cover.
I didn't speak. I couldn't, even if I wanted to. My heart was beating so loud I couldn't hear anything besides the constant thrum of my heart. I looked into Baring's eyes and noticed him for the first time since the scent of smoke had wafted into my nose.
"Breathe with me." He said, placing my hand over his heart and his over mine.
I followed his directions, breathing in and out, slowly and evenly. With each passing breath, I noticed my surroundings. I noticed that we were still sitting on the cold tiles of the science lab. I noticed that Baring and I were huddled close to each other under his letterman jacket. I also noticed that Baring's 'free' hand was gripping the edge of his jeans tightly. I looked up into his eyes and tried for a small smile. It failed but Baring just smiled back at me.
"Are you okay...?" He asked, quietly.
I stared at him, feeling my heart rate rise again. This time for a completely different reason. The thought of embarrassing myself in front of the whole class made my heart rate escalate again. I stared at Baring hoping he would understand but unfortunately that was not something I could telepathically signal to him.
I scrambled off the floor and tried to get up but failed. Baring stared at me, panic clearly drawn across his face. He reached for me then pulled back his hands.
"Maybe we should go to the sickbay." He said.
I nodded, relief seeping through the cracks of my panic. I pushed his jacket towards him and staggered to my feet. Baring followed closely as I made my way past the now empty lab tables. I didn't stop to ask what everyone had moved, instead, I just made my way to the sickbay seeking some sort of comfort.
The sick bay was empty. Nurse Ratchet had probably gone out to pick up something but I didn't dwell on that. Instead, I clambered onto 'my' bed and sat against the headboard. I pulled up my knees and wrapped my arms around them forming a loop for my head. Baring climbed next to me and casually stretched out in the small space next to me.
I dropped my head into the circle I formed with my arms and peeked at Baring. He was watching me with keen wide eyes. His shoulders were hunched back and lines were forming between his brows. Worry lines? I think that's what Kennedy had called them one time. I wasn't too sure about it. Baring noticed me watching him and his lips did a small sad half-smile. It looked like a cross between a grimace and a failed smile. For a moment watching Baring and his sad smile made me forget my erratic heartbeat.
I smiled at him, trying to hide the loud banding in my chest and the way my body had overreacted. It wasn't such an overreaction as it was a reaction. But since I couldn't explain to Baring that the scent of smoke had transported me to the worst moment of my short life, I figured I could just try to reassure him with a smile.
Baring didn't smile back. Instead, the corners of his mouth pulled down even further and he looked sadder than he had a few minutes ago. I lowered my head back into the comfort circle I had created with my arms. Watching Baring fret and worry over me and I feel more broken than I was and I didn't like it.
Baring placed a gentle palm on the top of my curly head, "Are you ok?"
I nodded, without looking up because I was not ok. I was far from ok. But I didn't want Baring to know that. Instead, I wanted him to see me as a normal cool person. I wanted him to give me his radiant smile and stupid jokes. Not the sad pity look he was directing towards me. Even if I could talk I couldn't tell him about the nightmares that plagued me. If I did he would think I was more of a freak than he already thought. Instead, I gave him another small nod.
"Here. I have a playlist..." Baring pulled out his phone, "You don't have to listen to it. It's nice. I promise. It makes me feel better on my bad days too."
I nodded.
Baring smiled and pulled out a set of red earphones, ridiculously loud like him. I smiled at that thought. I placed one of the earbuds into my left ear and Baring put the other into his right ear. He tapped on his phone silently and in a matter of seconds music began to play.
The song was slow and unfamiliar, it sounded like an instrumental instead of a song. I closed my eyes and concentrated on the sound of the violin solo playing through the earbud. Just when I had given up on hearing words a deep baritone male voice joined the violin solo. The voice was one of those calm voices sleep and meditation apps used. The type of voice everyone wanted to hear when playing an audiobook or listening to a podcast.
The song lulled me into a calm mind space and at that moment I understood what Baring meant by its works. Thoughts of fires and death seeped out of my mind living the sound of tranquil voices and Baring's body heat on my mind. I leaned into his warm shoulder and let the calm and peaceful atmosphere surround me.
I opened my eyes and turned to look at Baring. Baring was sitting next to me with his back resting against the bed. His eyes were closed and his long lashes softly swept over his cheeks. His eyebrows were still knit together and his mouth was drawn into a small frown. For a calming song, it didn't seem to be doing much for him.
Baring was quiet, still and unmoving. The quietest I had ever seen him be. I watched him, I stared at the short black hair on his head. My gaze wandered past his neck and landed on the white soccer Jersey he was wearing. The garment was mostly creaseless except for the spot where my hand had been. The spot I had unconsciously left my mark on. I smiled at that thought.
I scanned more of him and lowered my gaze catching the scuff marks on his black jeans and the Jacket carelessly draped over his knee. To everyone else, Baring looked like your average high school jock but to me, he always seemed to be so much more than that. Even with the typical football wristbands coiled around his wrist I couldn't help but see so much more to him. I wanted to sketch him. And I probably would have if standing up didn't mean startling him awake.
"You two again?" Nurse Ratchet asked from the door.
Baring startled awake and I rolled my eyes. So much for not waking him up.
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